Why I Stay..

[Algos_Idoni]

The question was asked in the "Marriage" thread asking why someone would stay in a sexless marriage. Here are my thoughts on why I stay.

Now, my marriage isn't sexless just less and less sex. And vanilla at that. I can give you a backstory and all that I have done to try to turn that around, but that isn't this threads point.

1) I do love her. In spite of the lack of intimacy (she doesn't like to cuddle, I do for example). Deep down I love her.
2) She loves me. I know without a doubt she loves me.
3) She is a wonderful mother.
4) Leaving would devistate her and leave her with 4 children
5) All other aspects (outside the bedroom) are great.

It has become easier for me to assume that I am to blame and that I am at fault for not doing enough. I would rather just go with the flow that try to bring it up anymore. I am tired of trying to initiate sex, and getting nowhere, so I have stopped.

Ultimately, for me the true understanding of love is sacrifice. So, I will sacrifice the spice that I want for the few vanilla I get. I hold onto hope that at some point it just might change. But I know deep down it probably won't.

Maybe I am not sacrificing enough, since I am on Lit and live out my desires and needs here. But for now, this is a good escape, and have found enjoyment here with others to help in releasing the inner me.

I realize some (most?) might find it contradictory, but I can live with the tension right now, that I am wishing at times for the opportunity to find someone on the side. But, that is probably a wishful wish.

Anyways, thought I'd share why I stay. Hope it makes some sense for you. If nothing else, it was a good reminder me for to write down.

 

[SexyAlison]

That's too bad. This might be a tough question to answer, but are you sure she is still attracted to you? I have no doubt what you said is true, she loves you, but maybe she's not physically attracted to you right now? Do you work out? Do you make an effort to look good?

 

[quietlylooking]

I think there are many here who are in a very similar position.

 

[Algos_Idoni]

That's too bad. This might be a tough question to answer, but are you sure she is still attracted to you? I have no doubt what you said is true, she loves you, but maybe she's not physically attracted to you right now? Do you work out? Do you make an effort to look good?

I have committed to losing 10 lbs a month for the next year. But here is the thing, I was big when we met at got married. So, while I do want to improve my health, I don't think I have become unattractive over the years.

But maybe she isn't. However, I have been told by some ladies here who have seen me that I am handsome.

 

[hilton1958]

Firstly, I truly admire you for the stand you have taken, in that you love your wife and wouldn't leave her despite your frustration. While I'm not in the same position, we have been through trying times in our marriage, but neither of us has ever considered walking away to be an option, and I trust we never will.
Secondly though, according to your weight loss resolution, you aknowledge that you have 120 pounds to lose, which I think is significant by any standard, so I encourage you to be as strong in that resolve as you are in preserving your marriage. Even if it doesn't improve things in the bedroom (I believe theres a very good chance it will), you will still be healthier and happier for it.
Strength to you.

 

[Algos_Idoni]

Firstly, I truly admire you for the stand you have taken, in that you love your wife and wouldn't leave her despite your frustration. While I'm not in the same position, we have been through trying times in our marriage, but neither of us has ever considered walking away to be an option, and I trust we never will.
Secondly though, according to your weight loss resolution, you aknowledge that you have 120 pounds to lose, which I think is significant by any standard, so I encourage you to be as strong in that resolve as you are in preserving your marriage. Even if it doesn't improve things in the bedroom (I believe theres a very good chance it will), you will still be healthier and happier for it.
Strength to you.

Thanks...

 

[pensivepoet]

......

 

[pensivepoet]

.....Edited because it was all bullshit. Just a bitter diatribe aimed at my own mistakes.
Make your choice, accept it, live with it, and don't look back.

 

[policywank]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Most experienced people have observed, quite rightly in my opinion, that relationships are multifaceted and sex is just one aspect. I don't think that there is such a thing as a perfect, no compromise relationship. The importance of sex relative to other factors, the degree to which it is sub-par and the likelihood of getting a better outcome elsewhere are all a matter of individual perspective.

The one thing I would say is that I think sex shouldn't be any more out of bounds than any other topic. For some people (I hate to say it but mostly women) sex occupies a special status where it is not an obligation and in fact having sex when you are "not in the mood" even with your own husband is somehow a compromise equivalent to prostituting yourself.

That is juvenile bullshit. Sex IS part of marriage. The terms are of course negotiable but if one party expects to dictate the terms of sex or withhold altogether just because they don't feel like it, they are abdicating their marriage responsibility and you shouldn't have to tip-toe around that reality.

Imagine if the primary bread winner just arbitrarily decided to quit their job and sit on the sofa eating Cheetos. The other partner should not be limited to only saying "will you please go back to work if I turn myself inside out to butter you up and make sure you feel adequately motivated each and every morning." Maybe there is a good reason why he/she has quit and the partner should be sensitive to all the possible scenarios. But if it turns out they are just being lazy and hiding their head in the sand their partner is allowed to say "What the fuck. Get your lazy ass to work."

 

[kaitlyn_sun]

Doesn't this strike you as a very firm argument against marriage as an institution in the first place?

I mean... if I were ever in a situation where I was required to be with only one person for ever, then the very first and most important part of that would have to be that we would have to have constant, ever-evolving sex forever. The second there was a dip in that the entire relationship would just crumble, because why did I even marry you then?

And honestly... that's too much pressure to put on a person. How can you possibly expect one person to meet your every sexual need for the REST of your life? No matter what, no matter how insane the sudden desire you woke up with that morning, this one person will always, always meet it? How is that fair? to anyone?

The very first thing I look for in a potential partner is a willingness to sleep with other people.

 

[pensivepoet]

Yep, K
We can't even decide what we want for lunch, and then after, we wish we had ordered something else.
People change, circumstances change, life as we live it is a perpetual changing.
And it's short, and we only get one shot at it.
A lifetime contract is bullshit, and frankly, arrogant.

 

[kaitlyn_sun]

I think it made sense back when it was a social contract and we didn't convolute it with romance. I mean... it's a holdover from a time when women were basically chattel and were traded for livestock, but there was a chunk of time there when you married someone as part of a contract, you both achieved social standing, and proceeded to fuck whoever you felt like.

I have a sneaking suspicion the main reason someone put the kibosh on that was because someone didn't like the idea of women being allowed to have sexual freedom... but I tend to think that's the reason EVERYTHING happens.

 

[Algos_Idoni]

There is one thing that I have noticed that when we have a good sex life, everything else seems better as well. I just don't understand why she doesn't see that. But I don't want to gripe. I really am not here to complain, but to get to know people and make friendships and connections. And who knows what might come of that.

But generally speaking, a healthy active sex life does seem to be the cure to other relational ailments.

 

[fullservice65]

The question was asked in the "Marriage" thread asking why someone would stay in a sexless marriage. Here are my thoughts on why I stay.

Now, my marriage isn't sexless just less and less sex. And vanilla at that. I can give you a backstory and all that I have done to try to turn that around, but that isn't this threads point.

1) I do love her. In spite of the lack of intimacy (she doesn't like to cuddle, I do for example). Deep down I love her.
2) She loves me. I know without a doubt she loves me.
3) She is a wonderful mother.
4) Leaving would devistate her and leave her with 4 children
5) All other aspects (outside the bedroom) are great.

It has become easier for me to assume that I am to blame and that I am at fault for not doing enough. I would rather just go with the flow that try to bring it up anymore. I am tired of trying to initiate sex, and getting nowhere, so I have stopped.

Ultimately, for me the true understanding of love is sacrifice. So, I will sacrifice the spice that I want for the few vanilla I get. I hold onto hope that at some point it just might change. But I know deep down it probably won't.

Maybe I am not sacrificing enough, since I am on Lit and live out my desires and needs here. But for now, this is a good escape, and have found enjoyment here with others to help in releasing the inner me.

I realize some (most?) might find it contradictory, but I can live with the tension right now, that I am wishing at times for the opportunity to find someone on the side. But, that is probably a wishful wish.

Anyways, thought I'd share why I stay. Hope it makes some sense for you. If nothing else, it was a good reminder me for to write down.

Thank you for the thoughtful writing.

 

[Zorber]

That's too bad. This might be a tough question to answer, but are you sure she is still attracted to you? I have no doubt what you said is true, she loves you, but maybe she's not physically attracted to you right now? Do you work out? Do you make an effort to look good?

Really that's your concern. Whether or not he works out and looks good. That's pretty shallow.

 

[SexyAlison]

Really that's your concern. Whether or not he works out and looks good. That's pretty shallow.

Shallow or not, physical attractiveness is an important part of an active sex life. Everyone has things they are shallow about, me included.

 

[prdigy666]

Shallow or not, physical attractiveness is an important part of an active sex life. Everyone has things they are shallow about, me included.

Very true... And anyone that says otherwise is usually a hypocrite

 

[SexyAlison]

Very true... And anyone that says otherwise is usually a hypocrite

Agreed.

I'm shallow about plenty of things. I'm usually not attracted to guys younger than me, I wouldn't have sex with someone overweight, I wouldn't date a weed smoker, I wouldn't date someone I don't find physically attractive, etc etc.

 

[prdigy666]

Agreed.

I'm shallow about plenty of things. I'm usually not attracted to guys younger than me, I wouldn't have sex with someone overweight, I wouldn't date a weed smoker, I wouldn't date someone I don't find physically attractive, etc etc.

I told my ex wife when we started dating not to cut her hair, keep herself in shape, and don't get a breast reduction. Shallow and selfish, yeah, but what drew me to her initially were those things.

 

[SexyAlison]

I told my ex wife when we started dating not to cut her hair, keep herself in shape, and don't get a breast reduction. Shallow and selfish, yeah, but what drew me to her initially were those things.

I don't see a problem with that. I mean, as long as you held yourself to the same standards, keeping yourself in shape, etc.

 

[prdigy666]

I don't see a problem with that. I mean, as long as you held yourself to the same standards, keeping yourself in shape, etc.

Hell, it was easy for me. I was in the service so it wasn't like we could change hair styles, colors, or even keep from being in shape.

 

[SexyAlison]

Hell, it was easy for me. I was in the service so it wasn't like we could change hair styles, colors, or even keep from being in shape.

well then I see no problem. I think it's ridiculous to think you can't be shallow about some things. You absolutely can. Some people might think you're an asshole for it, but if it makes you happy, then whatever.

Even things that are looked down upon for being very shallow are fine in my opinion. An older rich guy wants to date a beautiful woman 20 years younger than him? Go for it? Only want to date a woman with at least C cup breasts? go ahead, it's your life. Just don't be upset if you never find anyone that meets your standards.

 

[prdigy666]

well then I see no problem. I think it's ridiculous to think you can't be shallow about some things. You absolutely can. Some people might think you're an asshole for it, but if it makes you happy, then whatever.

Even things that are looked down upon for being very shallow are fine in my opinion. An older rich guy wants to date a beautiful woman 20 years younger than him? Go for it? Only want to date a woman with at least C cup breasts? go ahead, it's your life. Just don't be upset if you never find anyone that meets your standards.

Might be one of the reasons this guys old lady isn't happy... She settled. Always a horrible thing to realize when it finally comes around.

 

[SexyAlison]

Might be one of the reasons this guys old lady isn't happy... She settled. Always a horrible thing to realize when it finally comes around.

Possibly. I don't know enough about their lives to make that conclusion. But whatever it is, I hope they find happiness.

Another super shallow thing about me: I've had lots of sexual partners. When it comes to a long term relationship, I want my man to have had very few partners before me.

 

[36524]

Geez, and maybe it wasn't her "settling," or his "heaviness," maybe they just grew too comfortable in their marriage and lost time together like a zillion other married couples.