Why I fear the lifestyle

[Richard49]

My divorce is final.

Cyndi used our life in the lifestyle ......
as ammunition that I am an abusive terrible person

She never called it the lifestyle
Never said she had been a concensual particpate

So in my mind I ask myself
"self .. do you ever want to put yourself at risk again?"

 

[Grvdigger]

I am sorry to hear that Richard. I have also finished one recently but fortunetly that was not a prblm.

I hate to see anyone leave the lifestyle after being hurt by another. You have to live life the way you want to and not by the way others would like you to. I guess what I am saying is that You have to decide if the joys your recieve from it out weigh the potenial hurt

 

[~Dream~]

WELCOME BACK Richard..

I am very sorry to hear that you got hurt like that Richard ,very sorry indeed.
I understand how bad you must be feeling ,but no matter what she or anyone has done ,please do not allow this to stop you from living whatever makes YOU happy. That indeed would be a shame..

I only know you from online ,it's true ,however I do NOT feel that you are an abusive or terrible person at all, I respect you ,just so you know that .. I know it may not be much ,but I DO.. You have been honest and upfront about alot of personal issues in your life and I know that hasnt been easy. I admire that quality in You to.

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your divorce as I am also soon to go through 1 myself.. at this time I cant really think of much else to say ,except dont let ANYONE make you afraid or ashamed of who you really are .. I know ALOT of people here at Lit who like you .. take care hun..

 

[SexyChele]

You have my sympathy, Richard. That must be very, very tough to comprehend and try to absorb. I can only say that you are in my thoughts and I hope you can your inner peace once more.

 

[Richard49]

Thank you to those who have replied.

I am OK with the divorced.

It is how the lifestyle was used against me.
Do I ever want to take that risk again?

Those that are old like me ......
can remeber when this lifestyle was against the law most every where ... it still is many places .... it certainly is not something I would want everyone ot know I am part of ... though my mom knows <smile>

 

[SexyChele]

Richard, I may be way off here and if I am, please tell me. But did I read once that this was some one who was vanilla and you "turned"? Could it be that played a major role? What I'm saying is that, if you were to get involved with some one who has some experience behind them, they understand the lifestyle more and are less willing to beat some one over the head with it.

Regardless, I do think you need a period for healing - and not from the divorce, necessarily, but from the betrayal in general. Right now, from the tone of your posts, you are hurting. This takes time to heal. And taking that first step after having been hurt is the hardest step of all to take.

Good luck and best of all to you, Richard.

 

[Richard49]

Richard, I may be way off here and if I am, please tell me. But did I read once that this was some one who was vanilla and you "turned"? Could it be that played a major role? What I'm saying is that, if you were to get involved with some one who has some experience behind them, they understand the lifestyle more and are less willing to beat some one over the head with it.

Regardless, I do think you need a period for healing - and not from the divorce, necessarily, but from the betrayal in general. Right now, from the tone of your posts, you are hurting. This takes time to heal. And taking that first step after having been hurt is the hardest step of all to take.

Good luck and best of all to you, Richard.

Thank you for your kind thoughts

Yes she was nilla .. that was 14 years ago

I am presently involved in a situation where the woman was nilla and always had "the fantasies"

The point is why/how do we trust someone with such power again... hey remember this is an experenced Dom asking here


Even though I know I am innocent ... I felt lower then dirt

 

[SierraMoon]

Richard, i am so sorry to hear about this heartbreak... it must be such a shock to learn that she could take something that you both shared, and enjoyed together and turn it against you. You are NOT an abusive, terrible person.. and don't let anyone tell you that you are.

Divorce is a really hard thing, especially if there is hard feelings on one side. Don't let these accusations get you down. Anyone who knows you, knows how kind and gentle you are.

Keep your chin up, my friend.. we love and support you!!
r.

 

[zipman]

Hey Richard

Good to see you again!! I was beginning to worry about you. Sorry to hear that things have been tough.

I had a friend who was a wonderful, devoted husband, a great father and yet, his wife falsely accused him of child abuse to get custody of the children.

The point is that you can lead a blameless life and still get into trouble. Is BDSM worth the risk, well, that depends on how you answer two questions.

How happy does it make you?

How unhappy will you be if you don't have it in your life?

Only you know what is in your best interests. But I wish you the best. You are a kind soul in a sometimes cruel world.

 

[MissTaken]

hugs to you, Richard.

Realistically, if you weren't an experienced Dom, but chose to drink beer with the boys once a month, she would have used that.

When someone is feeling bitter and trying to justify their own actions, they will use anything to make themselves look less culpable.

Remember, she used the lifestyle as a tool. She would have used anything and twisted it to meet her needs.

I dont' mean to embitter you, but it is the truth.

My ex used my long work hours against me. Oddly enough, I worked 70 hour weeks because he wouldn't assist me or the children financially.

In the end, what is in a divorce petition really doesn't matter.
Well, only to us because it hurts.
It doesn't need to follow you, dear.
File the orders away.
Breathe deep.
Lick your wounds and move forward.

I don't believe you are ready to live a life of loneliness, and you know you will, if you try to avoid risk.

Give it time.

Many hugs

 

[artful]

Richard,...

...there are SO many GREAT posts to quote from,...and once again,...I will decine to choose ONE above the others to add my two cents to.

The one thing that I CONSTANTLY look for within MYSELF,...is *FEAR*. Recognising it for what it is, what caused it, how best to deal with it, etc.

Unhappily,...I have to admit,...there ARE some fears I have not been able to deal with, and YOUR fear, MAY be something you aren't able to deal with effectively at THIS time.

Never the less,...you have leaped over the BIGGEST hurdle already,...you have recognised it,...and now you are struggling with it. The GOOD news is that you *can* win. You KNOW this too, and that's one reason you are facing it head on.

When anyone allows their FEARS to *rule* their life, when they allow fear to govern how they choose to live, they then have lost CONTROL of their life.

That is not YOU Richard,...I know this,...and YOU know it too. Control is what YOU are all about. Take your time, relax, smile, have a little FUN.

You will be back in good emotional shape as soon as you REALISE this. BTW,...it's GREAT to see you actively posting in the Forum again bud.

 

[Cirrus]

Richard, first of all you are not old!! And this is coming from a 25 year old. Old is washed up, content to sit around, play canasta and watch Murder, She Wrote. I don't perceive that as you.

Second, and I realize this is anecdotal, a friend and I had a discussion about something similar not too long ago. Remember Marv Albert? And how his lady used the fact that he bit her and walked around in her panties against him? That was probably just how they played. It doesn't make you feel any better, I realize, but it happens to the rich and famous as well.

Give it some time. Not everyone is like your ex. There is a lovely, submissive lady out there somewhere that you can trust, who will trust you in return. I know this first hand. Even though my Dom and I are no longer together, I too felt I could not trust again...and I was proven wrong.

The bottom line is when you find the right person, you will know it. I'm sorry you've been hurt.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've never been in that situation, but I've been in something similar.

A long time ago someone used sex to hurt me and it ruined my trust in sex to be something that I could get without getting hurt again. Someone just used sex (the lifestyle) to hurt you and right now you're really low on trust in getting that sex (the lifestyle) that you need without getting hurt again.

You were emotionally violated with sex. It's not an easy thing to get past and you probably will never be able to forget it.

So, what do you do? You first give yourself some time to get past the hurt and develop a little trust in sex (the lifestyle), trust that it won't hurt you. Then you find someone like minded and take it very slowly. Women usually understand what emotional violation with sex is like because it's not that far removed from physical violation with sex. It will also teach you to put the relationship in writing. Signed checklists written in her writing make a wonderful piece of evidence. So do signed BDSM contracts. Give yourself time to heal.

Eventually you will meet someone that you want to trust. This is where you take her aside and tell her what happened. Then you move slowly, a little at a time. She will either be patient and wait for you to be ready to trust her with power over you, or she isn't the one for you.

 

[Lancecastor]

Hey Richard;

Good to see you again.

I can see by reading this thread you are getting tons of emotional support from the gals. God bless'em.

I believe you need some good old fashioned Guy Talk, too.

So I will say it again; as soon as you can, push your ass out the door and start doing the things you like to do in your spare time.

Sooner or later you'll spot some gal in tight leather pants with really spikey black heels and a puffy white gauzy top with big nipples.

And it will Begin Again. Guaranteed.

I can also guarantee you that She is not going to knock on your door while you are sitting at home, pal.

So, ASAP, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

Have fun Richard!

Cheers;

Lance

 

[bunny bondage]

hiya richard. i don't know you, as so many others here seem to, as i am new to the boards, but i just wanted to offer my condolances and a smidgen of advice. please don't drop the lifestyle!! it's a part of you! denying yourself that is to deny who you are! everybody else who knows you can offer much more insightful sympathy and wisdom, but i just wanted to encourage you to not give up on yourself, or us cute subs who enjoy experienced doms! ^_^

 

[Ricckk]

Re: Hey Richard

Sorry to hear that things have been tough.

I had a friend who was a wonderful, devoted husband, a great father and yet, his wife falsely accused him of child abuse to get custody of the children.

The point is that you can lead a blameless life and still get into trouble. Is BDSM worth the risk, well, that depends on how you answer two questions.

How happy does it make you?

How unhappy will you be if you don't have it in your life?

Well put, Zipman7... just because accusations are made it doesn't make them true.

Please don't say you are old, Richard....that would make me positively geriatric! But I certainly do understand the personal decision of being open about your involvement in the "lifestyle".

You have my empathy, Bro.

 

[moonstruck3774]

Hello Richard,
I don't know you either but folks here have been giving you a lot of love. Take it in!?! and then follow Lance's advise. There are a lot of us out here who would love to find an experienced, loving DOM--don't deny us, please.

 

[Richard49]

I was doing a Lance this weekend and have not been here till tonight .... I want to thank all that have posted ........

I have been seeking answers many places and for those that are physically closer that are in the lifestyle that I know ... I asked to read Cyndi's court filing.... some of these people knew/know Cyndi .. they responded with

"our lifestyle is about consensual .. Cyndi was/is not well enough to make consensual discions ......."

My question then was
" how do you know if a woman is well enough?"


For you subs that have not gotten to know me ...... well.....

 

[Cirrus]

Richard, I haven't gotten to know you, but I think you are worth knowing.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by "well enough"? Did your ex have physical or emotional problems that may have precluded her ability to make an informed decision? If you don't feel comfortable posting such personal information, feel free to PM me and we can talk there...

If that's the case, it's one of those intrinsic things you "just know". I know it sounds cornball, to say the least, but it never hurts to trust your intuition. There have been several things in my life that I have just known, and they've all been right with the exception of one. Maybe Cyndi was your one.

You need some time, that's all. I wish there were somthing I could say that would make it all clear for you, but there isn't. You'll make some mistakes, but you'll make some great choices too. Don't be afraid to love or trust again when you meet the right person. You will "just know" because the feelings will be there, despite your fears.

Remember...the backstabbers of the world are the minority, despite what it seems like sometimes.

 

[TheWanderer]

For What It's Worth...

I have been seeking answers many places and for those that are physically closer that are in the lifestyle that I know ... I asked to read Cyndi's court filing.... some of these people knew/know Cyndi .. they responded with

"our lifestyle is about consensual .. Cyndi was/is not well enough to make consensual discions ......."

My question then was "how do you know if a woman is well enough?"

Hello, Richard... I've seen you around, just haven't had occasion to interact with you.

Two things I just had to say here...

1 - I've just watched my best friend/roommate Sue go through this... she poured out her heart & soul, and offered her submission to a friend-turned-lover via an LDR when he went overseas. Only to find out, once he came home, that he wasn't what she thought he was. It's all over now, but she's made it clear she won't accept any relationship without D/s. Because it's what she is - a submissive. I'm on the other side of that coin, myself, but I feel the same way... I don't feel I could be in a relationship that didn't have a Dom/sub feel to it, if not a full-fledged D/s aspect. It's what we are, Richard, nothing less.

2 - People are strange creatures. All throughout my life, I've never ceased to be amazed at them, from their ability to ruin something beautiful... to the ability to see beauty in something most would find ugly. I've also watched people who were completely devoid of integrity 'do the right thing' when the chips were down... and seen best friends & soulmates turn on people when least expected. Even those you know best of all can turn, it's a sad fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. While you have my empathy here, just remember: it's ultimately one person, and no one person should control your life(style) unless you allow them to.

And if I'm not mistaken, you're the Dom, not the sub, right?

Seriously, don't let this shake you. Take the time to deal with the feelings, but don't allow it to change who you are.

 

[Richard49]

Richard, I haven't gotten to know you, but I think you are worth knowing.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by "well enough"? Did your ex have physical or emotional problems that may have precluded her ability to make an informed decision? If you don't feel comfortable posting such personal information, feel free to PM me and we can talk there...

They were speaking of her mental health and maturity. They went on to say that some people need to to be "part" of another so much they goi along with anything....

One of the people that brought this up was a woman new to the lifestyle.... I asked her how I could know if "she' was able to make this kind of discion or if "she too" were just "needing"?

 

[Richard49]

Re: For What It's Worth...

Hello, Richard... I've seen you around, just haven't had occasion to interact with you.

Two things I just had to say here...

1 - I've just watched my best friend/roommate Sue go through this... she poured out her heart & soul, and offered her submission to a friend-turned-lover via an LDR when he went overseas. Only to find out, once he came home, that he wasn't what she thought he was. It's all over now, but she's made it clear she won't accept any relationship without D/s. Because it's what she is - a submissive. I'm on the other side of that coin, myself, but I feel the same way... I don't feel I could be in a relationship that didn't have a Dom/sub feel to it, if not a full-fledged D/s aspect. It's what we are, Richard, nothing less.

2 - People are strange creatures. All throughout my life, I've never ceased to be amazed at them, from their ability to ruin something beautiful... to the ability to see beauty in something most would find ugly. I've also watched people who were completely devoid of integrity 'do the right thing' when the chips were down... and seen best friends & soulmates turn on people when least expected. Even those you know best of all can turn, it's a sad fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. While you have my empathy here, just remember: it's ultimately one person, and no one person should control your life(style) unless you allow them to.

And if I'm not mistaken, you're the Dom, not the sub, right?

Seriously, don't let this shake you. Take the time to deal with the feelings, but don't allow it to change who you are.

I guess I am leaning towards just going along with the nilla world on everything .......

It seems safer if it is boring and yes it would be dishnoring myself

You have no idea what it is to set in court and hear someone bring up things you and they have done... never mention the lifestyle just some of thr behaviors ... and bring them up in a way ... as they proclaim...... to prove you are abusive and they had no chooice....

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: For What It's Worth...

You have no idea what it is to set in court and hear someone bring up things you and they have done

Actually I have heard it in court.

I have heard about how wrong I was because I wanted that lifestyle and he didnt.

But if I change who I am,then he wins.

I am not going to let him win.

Ever.

Just my thoughts on this.

 

[UCE]

Re: Re: Re: For What It's Worth...

Actually I have heard it in court.

I have heard about how wrong I was because I wanted that lifestyle and he didnt.

But if I change who I am,then he wins.

I am not going to let him win.

Ever.

Just my thoughts on this.

Were there kids involved, Loves to Read? Some spouses make you choose between changing who you are and keeping the children. It's a despicable thing to make someone go through that sort of choice, but some ex-husbands and ex-wives do.

The most painful part of this whole thread for me is the reality that people we once really loved and trusted with all of our hearts can do this sort of terrible betrayal. Breaking up is terrible enough, but then to drag it all into court? Ugh.

To Richard: there are women out there, I swear, who do have a high enough sense of morals that they would not do such a thing to you even if they were terribly unhappy, because they would see it as not fighting fair, they would hate themselves for stooping so low. You're as likely to find such an ethical women is kinky as not kinky as one's ethics and sexual needs are not interrelated.

Urelated image of hair to die for:

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: Re: For What It's Worth...

Were there kids involved, Loves to Read? Some spouses make you choose between changing who you are and keeping the children. It's a despicable thing to make someone go through that sort of choice, but some ex-husbands and ex-wives do.

The most painful part of this whole thread for me is the reality that people we once really loved and trusted with all of our hearts can do this sort of terrible betrayal. Breaking up is terrible enough, but then to drag it all into court? Ugh.

To Richard: there are women out there, I swear, who do have a high enough sense of morals that they would not do such a thing to you even if they were terribly unhappy, because they would see it as not fighting fair, they would hate themselves for stooping so low. You're as likely to find such an ethical women is kinky as not kinky as one's ethics and sexual needs are not interrelated.

Urelated image of hair to die for:

First who is the woman with the hair?

I think the abuse of trust that I experenced is what is bothering me the most. And if I could be this wrong about someone for so long... how can I trust myself again in repect to my choice of people ?

I will not ask where I Would find these moral women ... but I will ask ... how do I know if/when I found them?