Why Do We Do What We Do?

[Glaive37]

Greetings All,
Upon the recomendation of a friend I found this site and have been lurking here for quite a while; a month or so. I have been involved in the real world scene for over 10 years and consider myself somewhat experienced ( but there is never enough experience is there?). So anyway. Enough about me, here is the post and the question:

Why do we do the things we do? We hold a special place in our hearts for the bondage and the pain. Over the years I have attempted to suppress these desires. I have attempted to go on as if they did not exist. And yet, I cannot hold these desires at bay. They become all consuming over time, infiltrating my dreams day and night. It is more than the lash, I desire. It is more than the control. It is the classic dictum, ‘the whole exceeds the sum of its parts’.

Unfortunately, in my view, very few people understand this all encompassing thing we call BDSM, and how addicting it can be. This thing we do touches our souls. It speaks to our inner core. It makes us reveal ourselves, makes us cry and feel as we have never felt before. It breaks down barriers within ourselves. At times it makes us confront that which caused us psychological pain. It laughs with us, it cries with us. It is not play, it is the very gift of life itself. That is, if you trust someone enough to take you there. This trust that one can have in their partner can be very selfish in itself. In the ten years I have been playing I have found two play partners that could do that for me. Both of these people have left the scene for all intents and purposes.

It is difficult enough to find a partner who is vanilla and touches our hearts, and yet we want to find someone who can touch both sides of the heart. The plain vanilla, and the rich dark raspberry decadence of BDSM. I often wonder if I set the bar too high? Will it be impossible to find that illusive person? The only reason I ask these questions is that it seems that many of the people I associate with are in the same quandary.

 

[cymbidia]

Guys? I am the 'friend' and this guy's a good guy (even though he won't come over this weekend and help me finish sealing the grout in my tile cuz he has "other plans". Geeze.)

I just thought you'd like to know that i know him personally and that he's for real.

 

[Skally]

Welcome

Good to have you on board ! Hope to see you around more.

 

[SierraMoon]

Welcome!!

Warmest welcome to you, Glaive37.. any friend of cym's is a friend of ours.. what a thought provoking post you have left here.. i can't wait to hear more from you... hugs.. sierra

 

[cymbidia]

It is difficult enough to find a partner who is vanilla and touches our hearts, and yet we want to find someone who can touch both sides of the heart. The plain vanilla, and the rich dark raspberry decadence of BDSM. I often wonder if I set the bar too high? Will it be impossible to find that illusive person? The only reason I ask these questions is that it seems that many of the people I associate with are in the same quandary.

Like me, for instance. Like all y'all who live in places where there is no discernable BDSM activity happening. Like anyone who wants and needs a partner who will touch their soul and pull from them all that is wonderful.

It's the yearning for a mate that i think you're talking about in part, C, uh, Glaive (sorry!) and is something we share with all the other humans on the planet. For us, though, it's harder to find that person. As you so aptly put it, not only do they have to meet our basic love needs but they have to meet our special sexual needs, too.

Unless we're fully and completely bisexual, we have to immediately exclude half the human race from consideration as potential mates. We have to exclude at least 1/2 of the remaining people from consideration cuz they'll forever be horrified by BDSM sexuality. If we require someone who approaches thier sexuality from an angle that complements ours, we have to exclude another 1/2 of those left. Now factor in geography, age, blah blah blah, and i think we can all see that it's a fucking miracle any of us ever even get to the point of sceneing with someone we halfway like.

~sigh~ Sorry to get down in your first post, C.

And no, you're not setting your goals and hopes too high. What is the alternative? Does one settle for less than they want and need? How far must one lower the bar, in that case? Does one go nilla in the quest for love? How long could any one of us stand that, happily, without needing and wanting the more we know is Out There somewhere? Does one learn to tolerate switching, if one isn't wired that way, just to improve the odds of finding a partner?

You can't settle, C, and neither can i. Neither can any of us. So we stay lonely while we continue to look. Or we have meaningless small affairs while we continue to look. (Those always end up feeling pretty lonely to me, anyway. Part of the way i'm wired requires a lot of emotional connection between me and anyone with whom i'm sexually close, but i know that's just me.)

Gotta have all the vanilla.
Gotta have all the rich dark raspbery decadence, too.
Eventually.

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome Glaive.

If you have been lurking for a bit, I am sure you know a little about each and everyone of us. So, I will save the introduction. I am simply mistaken, errr Miss Taken, mistaken for....

Forget it!

Why do what we do? Before getting involved in the lifestyle, I never imagined I would be doing some of the things I am now hungering for. Now, with some real life experience, I can't imagine NOT doing what I hunger for.

A double edged sword....we need a bit of A, a bit of B, and a bit of plain, old fashioned C. Finding all these things in one simple package is a daunting challenge, but one that I am willing to take on.

Don't settle for less. Settling is dooming yourself to failure.

 

[SpectreT]

I'll warn ya now (Like you don't already know, all of you..) It's a long, hard road if you never compromise any of your goals.

I never have, and it led me into over two decades of depression, self-inflicted mental and emotional agony, because I never became the man I wanted to be, never knew or tasted but the tiniest scraps of success, and never came close to achieving my goals.

I also never gave up, never gave in, and never compromised an inch of it. I came close, twice, and somehow never quite made it. The core of my inner strength, the power of my character, is that no matter how foolish and unrealistic my goals and desires seem, I never will give up, even though it hurts. Maybe even because it hurts. I think of myself as a warrior as well as a philosopher. cym, MissT, petrel, Doc, Hecate, Risia, KM, Hell, even Sparky and Todd: That's the deepest part of me laid bare, my firends. Some of you think I'm a wonderful person. That core of self-induced conflict is what made me who and what I am.

That's why I do what I do.

 

[fallon2]

we

It comes down to "we wants what we wants" and "we needs what we needs" in order to have meaning in our life. Those of us here at Lit accept each other as they are and not for what we want them to be. Good luck and remember to respect each other.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I also never gave up, never gave in, and never compromised an inch of it. I came close, twice, and somehow never quite made it. The core of my inner strength, the power of my character, is that no matter how foolish and unrealistic my goals and desires seem, I never will give up, even though it hurts. Maybe even because it hurts. I think of myself as a warrior as well as a philosopher. cym, MissT, petrel, Doc, Hecate, Risia, KM, Hell, even Sparky and Todd: That's the deepest part of me laid bare, my firends. Some of you think I'm a wonderful person. That core of self-induced conflict is what made me who and what I am.

That's why I do what I do.

T, you're a good man. Thank you for that, and it extends well beyond the honesty of the above post.

Glaive, welcome. We have probably heard of each other through our mutual friend cym b, so I'm just lumping you into the big realm of known and trusted folks around here; hope you don't mind.

I agree with the Spectre that it's going to be a long hard road if you don't compromise. But, that's fundmental to what we do, isn't it? It's the notion that one never appreciates fully what one doesn't struggle and work to achieve or receive, and it infuses every BDSM desire I can think of. Is it masochistic to be an idealist? Perhaps. But the rewards are great.

There is a great little monologue in (of all places) a Madonna movie. She tells a story about climbing over a fence to steal strawberries as a kid. There are brambles, it's a high fence, and she always gets cut and scratched; it's always tough to get to the berries. She could just get some at the store. But no others, in the rest of her life, ever tasted as sweet as those stolen spring fruits. That's where we are, I think.

It's not just us, though. The tougher the goal is to reach, the harder the road is to follow, the more rewarding is the end. That's why we admire (almost to the point of worship) the exceptional athlete, the most clever inventor, the most challenging writing, etc. There is, quite frankly, no other reason to do something like climb Mt. Everest or take an expedition to the South Pole.

The exception is a difficult thing to be, but what one sees along the road less travelled, even if the destination is far away and we sometimes doubt that we'll ever reach it, is well worth even the high price of having to blaze one's own trail.

IMHO, of course.

 

[cellis]

Glaive welcome to Lit.

A most thought provoking topic and one that Himself and I have discussed many times. Why do we do the things we do... and how did the two of us ever find each other?

I am older than many here, but less experienced in the tradition than a lot of people. I know what I want, what I need and I cannot tell you how lucky I was to find the one person to share this journey with me that I have. And to say that I am older, simply means that I have had a lot of life's experiences... some wonderful and some perfectly horrific. All of these life experiences made me the person I am today. That is to say a person who knows her own mind and what she wants.

I might tell you that I waited 15 years for this man to walk into my life. I could tell you that until recently, I was not ready to accept him and the gift that he has been to me. And these things are true. For me it has been about things happening when I least expect them. When I started this, I never thought that I would end up where I am today in terms of my relationship.

I have known for years that there were elements in a sexual relationship that I was unwilling to live without and had no idea how to go about making those things happen for me. I knew that the nilla would no longer do for me. I had needs, desires that I had to explore.

What can I say... I got lucky and even at that our relationship is far from ideal. There are things that I would change if I could, but I cannot and so in the midst of all of this wonder, I have learned acceptance... I have learned about gratitude and I have learned about love in a way that I never thought possible...

 

[Glaive37]

Greetings All,
Cymbidia, Skally, Sierra Moon, Miss Taken, Spectre T, Fallon 2, Risia Skye and Cellis. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your warm welcome and messages of hope. As sadistic as this sounds I would like to say that it is nice to hear that I am not alone in this search for the 'ideal' mate/play partner.

I am not one to respond quickly, or off the cuff, at least not when writing something out. I like to think through my responses. There is no plausible deniability with writing. 'There it is in black and white.' Of course conversations and social gatherings are a free for all, so look out for inane witicisms. But I did read your replies and posts with enthusiasm and enjoyment.

I think Spectre T hit the nail on the head. Our inability to compromise on what our needs are causes us to exclude (referring to Cymbidia's mathematical algorythm) so much. That is an interesting statement in itself. 'An open community that excludes by its very nature.

I don't plan on compromising , I never thought that I did anyway. Our unwillingness to 'bend' does make it all the more difficult though, doesn't it.

Hugs to All.
Glaive37

 

[Guest]

 

[Richard49]

Greetings All,
Cymbidia, Skally, Sierra Moon, Miss Taken, Spectre T, Fallon 2, Risia Skye and Cellis. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your warm welcome and messages of hope. As sadistic as this sounds I would like to say that it is nice to hear that I am not alone in this search for the 'ideal' mate/play partner.

Glaive37

No you are not alone.

I will not trouble you and bore the others here who have heard it
what I have been going through the last 7-8 months

I have thought about going back to nila....tried it...it was forgetable !!!!!!

Do you know what a hobosexual is?
A bum lay

If I have to comprimise.........I will give up relationships

If I spent half the time I spend looking on building my herb business ...I might be weathy again

 

[touchoflace]

i have asked myself for years why i am the way that i am? i consider myself to be a very extreme masochist, and the need to submit to another consumes me. i would reflect on my life, and i realized some time ago that i have always been this way. Then when taking my 4 year old in to have shots i had proof. i was expecting the usual tantrum, screaming fit, however she sat there as still as she could, and took all 3 shots without sheding a tear, or flinching. i was so suprised, and wondered if i too had been the same way as a child? So i picked up the phone, and called my mother, who confirmed that i never reacted unfavorably in physically, painful situations. Does this mean we are born to be a masochist or a sadist? Are we born to be a Dominant or a submissive? Or is this something that we learn?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I don't think this applies to BDSM alone. BDSM is, in my mind, merely the physical manifestations of the things that make us human.

The thing about being human is that our fertilizer is pain, our water is hurt, our sun is suffering. We cannot grow and mature without the dark sides of life. People who feel no pain, who don't hurt, who don't know what suffering is stagnate and never change.

We have to suffer. Sometimes it's not enough to have the nasty things in life do it to us, we must do it to ourselves as well. We are all emotional masochists and we are all mental sadists. And we do it to ourselves.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a part of our id. We have drives for food, sex, water, and suffering. Why do we do this to ourselves? Quite simply because we have to just to be human.

 

[Richard49]

i have asked myself for years why i am the way that i am? i consider myself to be a very extreme masochist, and the need to submit to another consumes me. i would reflect on my life, and i realized some time ago that i have always been this way. Then when taking my 4 year old in to have shots i had proof. i was expecting the usual tantrum, screaming fit, however she sat there as still as she could, and took all 3 shots without sheding a tear, or flinching. i was so suprised, and wondered if i too had been the same way as a child? So i picked up the phone, and called my mother, who confirmed that i never reacted unfavorably in physically, painful situations. Does this mean we are born to be a masochist or a sadist? Are we born to be a Dominant or a submissive? Or is this something that we learn?

IMHO we are born that way

 

[SpectreT]

I don't think this applies to BDSM alone. BDSM is, in my mind, merely the physical manifestations of the things that make us human.

The thing about being human is that our fertilizer is pain, our water is hurt, our sun is suffering. We cannot grow and mature without the dark sides of life. People who feel no pain, who don't hurt, who don't know what suffering is stagnate and never change.

We have to suffer. Sometimes it's not enough to have the nasty things in life do it to us, we must do it to ourselves as well. We are all emotional masochists and we are all mental sadists. And we do it to ourselves.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a part of our id. We have drives for food, sex, water, and suffering. Why do we do this to ourselves? Quite simply because we have to just to be human.

Thank you again, KM.

You remind me of an off-hand remark I typed out without thinking it through. the remark was something to the effect of, "BDSM is, for some of us, a metaphor for life itself."

There is a certain irony in the French word for bread being 'pain'. We all seem to need pain to learn and grow, whether it's physical pain or emotional. as a species, we seek it out, create it where there is none. This is also why we (BDSM'ers) differentiate between 'sensation' and 'pain'.

To be human is to know pain.

another $0.02 from The Beast....

 

[Shoshi]

im not a fan of the pain myself, i have a touch of a rape fetish, not to actually rape someone else, but to be helpless myself, i always enjoy to be overpowered by a girl

i guess my fetish stems from the way i am in real life, i have never been in a situation where i couldnt get out of, i study traditional martial arts and through the TA i have experience with leadership and quick thinking, so i guess its only natural for me to long for what i have never had, even if it is in the bedroom

 

[Shadowsdream]

Long ago I knew I could never settle for less than I need..and I need total control..physical and emotional. I need the responsibility for the well being of those I own, their sexuality needs to be in My hands. 10% given to Me would be as useless as 90%. I need it all.
Settling for less is completely out of the question.
I believe that all of humanity should try to be true to themselves..whether 'nilla or BDSM. It would appear that trying to live in a compromise is what brings long term suffering of a type not associated with a suffering for growth or pleasure.
I would hope that all of the suffering I give to My partner will be a suffering that cements the relationship rather than a suffering of discontent.

 

[artful]

I hope you don't mind,...if you do,...just PM me and I will take it down,...

Long ago I knew I could never settle for less than I need..and I need total control..physical and emotional. I need the responsibility for the well being of those I own, their sexuality needs to be in My hands. 10% given to Me would be as useless as 90%. I need it all.
Settling for less is completely out of the question.
I believe that all of humanity should try to be true to themselves..whether 'nilla or BDSM. It would appear that trying to live in a compromise is what brings long term suffering of a type not associated with a suffering for growth or pleasure.
I would hope that all of the suffering I give to My partner will be a suffering that cements the relationship rather than a suffering of discontent.

**************************************************
I am moving your post to another thread and reposting it. If you don't wish it there, just PM me and I will take it down. I think it is a MARVELOUS post!

 

[Shadowsdream]

artful

Reposting My words is fine with Me. Thank you for understanding what I am trying to say.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Long ago I knew I could never settle for less than I need..and I need total control..physical and emotional. I need the responsibility for the well being of those I own, their sexuality needs to be in My hands. 10% given to Me would be as useless as 90%. I need it all.
Settling for less is completely out of the question.
I believe that all of humanity should try to be true to themselves..whether 'nilla or BDSM. It would appear that trying to live in a compromise is what brings long term suffering of a type not associated with a suffering for growth or pleasure.
I would hope that all of the suffering I give to My partner will be a suffering that cements the relationship rather than a suffering of discontent.

Have to say though Shadowsdream is speaking from a Domme's position and POV here, it speaks volumes to me in how I also approach my own position as a slave. People question why one would want 24/7, TPE, no limits, suggest it isn't real, and yet as is stated here, for me to play any other way would not work, nor would it fulfil the need in my soul. It has to be all or nothing, and as Shadowsdream so beautifully put it, settling for less is completely out of the question.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Great stuff I'm reading here and welcome Glaive37!

I myself am not too full of wisdom this day, particularly in speaking to this issue.

Fury

 

[sassy kitten]

We are who we are, and there is no turning back once one has experienced the love and joy/pain and pleasure submission has brought me. I believe being Dominant or submissive is in everyone, to what degree one can only learn and find out. With all the lessons I've learned, been taught, and cherished, I can only learn more, and will be forever learning the rest of my life, submission is who I am, the skin I'm most comfortable in.

 

[Bandit58]

I have struggled a bit with this over the last two years, as we have gone deeper into our relationship and the BDSM aspects, especially the S/M part. Master explained it to me thus: I'd never had the opportunity to explore this before. No one had taken the time to teach, I had been lost and confused about my submissiveness. Now it's so different, I have realised what I have been my whole life, and however confusing it seemed before, now it seems so right.

We both enjoy what we do, and I now have the sense of belonging where before I felt like a square peg in a round hole