Why do submissives submit?

[ImaMember]

I generally thought that a submissive submits (pleases his Master/Mistresses desires, service the needs, accept the dominance, obey orders, etc) because pleasing the Dom pleases the sub in return. I mean, why would a sub submit if they didn't enjoy it, right?
But my real question is, if a sub submits and receives nothing in return--no sex, no formal training, no affection, no sign of thanks or recognition, no signs of appreciatevness--and only gets cold stares in return, or the occasional lecture on wrong behaviour, then is the sub really getting anything out of submitting? My answer from a Dom was that it doesn't matter; that it is the sub's life to submit, even if nothing is given in return. A Dom's needs/desires come first and a sub should expect nothing in return. I thought the sub would have no reason to submit if there was no positive reinforcement, even if it just a thank you or a pet on the head.
How many subs and Dom's think this is true?

 

[Netzach]

If that answer is good enough for you, then you have your answer.


Obviously it's not. So you know something about your submission.

"should" doesn't f-ing enter into it.

If I wanted something I could be unresponsive to all the time, I'd buy more furniture.

That said, I don't think I should have to positively reinforce every last single thing either.

 

[Shadowsdream]

The occassional pat on the head is a good thing! Confirmation in My opinion of both positive and negative behaviour in the submissive is necessary for growth.
I personally do not believe it is "ALL" about the Dominant to such a degree that the submissive simply becomes a door mat. The Dom/me that gets caught up in that attitude has a bit too much ego and not enough common sense in My O so humble opinion!
There is a constant delicate balance between showing appreciation to the submissive for a job well done and also ensuring they know it bloody well better be well done...if that makes any sense at all at 4.30 in the morning.

 

[rosco rathbone]

[Some emotional masochists get off on cold treatment....if that were you, you'd know it.

 

[Desdemona]

For me, D/s is a relationship. Within the relationship, there is give and take. If all I got was cold treatment, I would not be in the relationship. I would never have progressed beyond casual chat online and certainly wouldn't have met Him in person. Nor would I consider submitting to Him. I figure I deserve more than that and I won't settle for less.

Submitting and pleasing Him does indeed give me great pleasure and it certainly meets my own internal submission needs. However, I need more in order to thrive and grow. No, I don't get a pat on the back (or anywhere else) everytime I do something well. But, I do get positive reinforcement occasionally and there are other ways that He lets me know that I'm loved and cherished.

In the end, it's about finding the right match between people so that you both get your essential needs met.

 

[ownedsubgal]

every submissive, and likewise their submission, is different. personally, i submit because i do not know how to be any other way. it is an instinct for me. i do not submit because i get something out of it, or hope to get some reward, with me it's simply automatic. as far as what i LIKE, yes i do like to be shown, even if by a simple "good bitch", that i have pleased, that i have done well, but whether that happens or not has no affection on my submission.

 

[ethereal~minx]

The occassional pat on the head is a good thing! Confirmation in My opinion of both positive and negative behaviour in the submissive is necessary for growth.
I personally do not believe it is "ALL" about the Dominant to such a degree that the submissive simply becomes a door mat. The Dom/me that gets caught up in that attitude has a bit too much ego and not enough common sense in My O so humble opinion!
There is a constant delicate balance between showing appreciation to the submissive for a job well done and also ensuring they know it bloody well better be well done...if that makes any sense at all at 4.30 in the morning.

your words always affect me sooo deeply Shadowsdream~
it is a balance. I state that as if it is fact but to me a d/s relationship is the most profound of any human relationship~~~ and if it were one sided where the submissive had no value per se, where is the growth? the fulfillment? where is the dance?

 

[sasha_fem22]

I think it's a question of whether she's a sub or a slave. A slave submits......that's what she does; that's what she's there for. A sub gets off on submitting.
I sure wouldn't submit to anything if it didn't excite me, on or off-line.

 

[Netzach]

wow, that was surreal, paraphrasing oneself.

 

[FungiUg]

If I wanted something I could be unresponsive to all the time, I'd buy more furniture.

I can't say it better that that.

Remember, it does vary for the individual though, so for some submissives, they may desire being treated like furniture. Like any relationship, it has to work for ALL of the parties involved. So the real answer depends on the people in the relationship.

 

[Limbhugger]

Shadowsdream and Netzach give sage advice.

Even dogs get rewards for good behavior. No a dominant should not have to hand out atta-boys for every made bed or retrieved beverage. But I believe that without positive reinforcement there is little purpose to the gift exchange.

But then, I'm a firm believer in "after care." I think it is very important, for me in particular, after a scene. I am very emotionally open and and vulnerable after a scene and even just that subtle brush of her fingers on my cheeks can be enough to reassure me.

Don't try to fit yourself into D/s, fit D/s to you.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

When I choose to submit, it has nothing to do with positive or negative reinforcement from the Dom/me in question. It has to do with me having an underlying need at that time to be of service, to give up control, to do things for someone else: without thought.

Yes, a pat on the head, *well done*, or some such thing would be appreciated but is not neccessary. Like everyone else basically said...it's about the parties involved and how they choose to carry it. Each case, each person is different.

pet

 

[Etoile]

I would think there is at least satisfaction in a job well-done, even if there's no outright praise for it. I've sometimes felt that way.

 

[ethereal~minx]

to be guided by One believed to hold for you more than you hold for yourself ~~ for me anyway...

 

[M'lady&kitten]

BECUASE I LOVE M'LADY!!!!!!!!!
that's all that needs to be said!!

 

[kitty4ever]

....

 

[lapinova]

part of it for me is my job- i must be in control all day, every day... and to give that over to another is a huge release and relief for me.
a perhaps larger part is the devotion i am willing to offer- if you win me over, i am the most loyal, unconditionally loving and giving creature. i have found that most men, those looking for innocent, vanilla-type relationships... can be a little weirded out or threatened by that sort of devotion. i want someone who will accept it, and relish it as part of who i am... and a Dom is far more likely to consider that as part of His due.

 

[Limbhugger]

I think there is a difference between the title of this thread and the post that followed. Related yet different.

 

[Justina123]

I am a submissive who craves the positive reinforcement, even if just a pat or a word, fairly regularly. Something given not TOO often is, in my opinion, more valued.

On the other hand, there are times when, whether just for a few hours or a few days, I find it very erotic in some I guess weird way to be, I suppose you could say, objectified. Though I try to be a very useful, and often used, object!

On yet another hand, I also love to touch and be touched, holding hands when walking, stroking while watching TV or a movie, etc.

Variety is the spice of life.

-justina

 

[scooterbum]

I generally thought that a submissive submits (pleases his Master/Mistresses desires, service the needs, accept the dominance, obey orders, etc) because pleasing the Dom pleases the sub in return. I mean, why would a sub submit if they didn't enjoy it, right?

I submit because it thrills me like nothing else. I am in a kind of power position in real life and I think the role reversal is the twist that makes it exciting. I truly love to serve my mistress.

 

[esclave_PP]

I submit because that is naturally how I am. From a very early age I have always been that way. It is nice to get praise, but the pleasure I get is when I please my Master -- it might sound cliche, but really truly in my heart, what makes the submission so wonderful is seeing him pleased. It makes me feel all warm and tingly -- and if Master praises me, well that's even better Even if it is just a pat on the head or an "I love you MINE" that is always wonderful. I submit because I am also in a power position all day long and by the end of the day I just don't want to make decisions any more. Submitting all of my will and my being is such an awesome release that I would go crazy if I couldn't.

 

[noodleslut]

Why do submissives submit?

I can't answer for anyone but myself...but I submit because it is my nature. To explain is almost like answering "Why do you breathe?"

I submit because yielding power and serving another fulfill me: To please another is more rewarding than pleasing myself.

But my real question is, if a sub submits and receives nothing in return--no sex, no formal training, no affection, no sign of thanks or recognition, no signs of appreciatevness--and only gets cold stares in return, or the occasional lecture on wrong behaviour, then is the sub really getting anything out of submitting?

Yes, even then the sub is getting something out of it. They are in a position to act according to their nature. They receive some other perks that have nothing to do with reward. Some examples are freedom to embrace total self -- good and "bad" parts, motivation and permission to excel.

Noodle

 

[Etoile]

Yes, even then the sub is getting something out of it. They are in a position to act according to their nature. They receive some other perks that have nothing to do with reward. Some examples are freedom to embrace total self -- good and "bad" parts, motivation and permission to excel.

That's actually a really excellent point. I loathe having to be the one to make decisions, and being submissive allows me to give up those choices and that demand. It's a tremendous freedom (even in my slavery!) to not have to make that effort to decide.

 

[Sir's Plaything]

I'm sure each sub has their own motivation---i had a deep seated desire to submit, but finding the right person is sooooo important. I couldn't submit to just any Dom or any guy calling himslef a dom. i could only submit to Sir who has brought me to so many new places!!!

 

[Etoile]

I'm sure each sub has their own motivation---i had a deep seated desire to submit, but finding the right person is sooooo important. I couldn't submit to just any Dom or any guy calling himslef a dom. i could only submit to Sir who has brought me to so many new places!!!

It sounds to me like you're in the "love before submission" group. There was a thread about this, I believe. Some people said they will only submit to someone they already love, others couldn't fall in love someone if they weren't being dominated by them already. Neither is better than the other, of course.