Why do so many rush to label others and themselves?

[fauconier]

Hi everyone,

For some time I've pondered just why it is that we tend to label others in terms of sexuality, and may tend also to label ourselves. I wonder if perhaps we crave a sense of predictability: labeling gives us a feeling of reassurance, makes us believe that we understand the world, and thus relieves our anxiety.

In that vein, some people would rather harbor a false or untested belief than deal with their ignorance or with any ambiguity. People have such anxieties....I don't know how many times I've read someone's worried inquiry (or damning accusation) that having one gay or lesbian experience or fantasy 'makes them gay'---a prospect that society tells us that we should fear. Strangely enough, I've never heard a person who identifies as queer express dread that a couple of heterosexual encounters they had years ago means that they might secretly be straight. What do you think is going on?

 

[indianabicurous]

the simple answer - categorization is a natural process we go through as humans, and we've brought it into pretty much everything we do. that's basically it.

uncategorized things are ambiguous or unknown, and you know that old saying - we fear that which we do not know.

 

[none2_none2]

Except that I wish I have kids, I have everything I want in a partner. So at this point in my life I don't need labels in others because I'm not looking for anything other than just befriending whomever crosses my path. (Like if you're not shopping for groceries, why would you bother looking at the labels on the products.) (I probably label myself sometimes more out of habit. Plus it would be awkward having talked several times about my hot, hairy, muscular, manly love of my life, if someone thought from my generic userID of none2_none2 that I was a lesbian. Yes I'm really a lesbian and I have found a manly female body builder who doesn't shave her legs, 5 o'clock shadow, and has hairy breasts, ass, and forearms.)

If I were single again looking for sex and/or romance, sure I want to know the labels. In this busy world that many of us find ourselves in, unfortunately, there isn't time to get to know everybody. Also as you get older better know what you are looking for. I would want somebody who probably labels them self as gay. I don't have something against bi's that are of the persuasion that they can love and be faithful to which ever gender they are in love with at the time. However, I wouldn't want a bi whose unhappy unless they have both on an on-going basis. The same would apply to a gay guy whose life revolves around hunting for sex on the side, or bring people home for group encounters. Been involved with people into that, and after years about being around it I find it rather pretentiously boring.
I also wouldn't want a "str8, but..." person either. I don't have time to put on a burka with a hole for my cock because they are only interested in my cock -- just too boring. While I'm not turned off to str8 sex, my biggest interest would be kids. Since I'm infertile plus the fact that it would be unfair to be with a woman unless it was extremely intense spiritual love that transcended body attraction. Thus, I couldn't see myself entertaining the idea of going str8.

I also know what kind of sex I love and what kind of guys turn me on. I love hairy, masculine, muscular, fuckable guys. It is only 99% etched in stone, but after HUNDREDS of encounters over a span of 27 years I know myself. If I was with someone labeled as top or versatile (not 100% bottom) or only into oral or j/o, it would be unfair to pursue anything other than platonic friendship. I remember hundreds of guys who used to say I'd love oral if only I'd let them try. (That reminds me of the little old ladies at bakery events. I would tell them that I LOVED carrot cake, and then some might say something like, "but you've never had my chocolate cake". So I'd try it, and it might be fine, but it still wasn't as great as carrot cake. Fucking a guy is my carrot cake, and after 27 years of sexual experiences the best chocolate cake bakers (oralists) will never change that.

It may sound cruel, but life is just too short to deceive yourself or the people that you may wish to be romantic with. Think of the guys who lie about age or cock size or whatever just to get laid... Sure, I'd give anything to be able to label myself as a young, hung stallion. Then when I meet the person I gave that false advertising to, then I would have made a fool of myself.


Now one thing I find hilarious is when people (at least typically gay men) say that they are looking for "friendship only" and then give their stats, maybe cock size, etc. If I'm looking for "friends only", then do we need to have the same stats so that we can share clothing like a couple of teenage girls??? Do we need to know cock size because a platonic friend might just need to borrow a magnum sized condom at the last minute before going on a hot date? Do we need to have the same muscle mass because we'll be spotting each other at the gym and don't want to drop the weights?

 

[Etoile]

the simple answer - categorization is a natural process we go through as humans, and we've brought it into pretty much everything we do. that's basically it.

uncategorized things are ambiguous or unknown, and you know that old saying - we fear that which we do not know.

Perfect answer. Exactly what I would have said, but much shorter.

 

[SirLeo]

Whats My Label?

I just like to fuck and be served sexually by either sex. I don't need one, but I wonder what would my label be?

 

[fauconier]

Perfect answer. Exactly what I would have said, but much shorter.

I think you're both right. I can accept labels to some extent as a convenient shorthand for at least partially understanding other people and the world we live in. I have to admit that I'm bothered when labels (never more than a crude description of a whole person IMHO) are taken to represent a person's essential and permanent identity, rather than just a convenient approximation.

I'd feel better if more people seemed to understand that, since human beings and sexuality itself can be fluid, labels are not fixed but (if used at all) will change as people and circumstances change. But here again is the discomfort so many of us experience with ambiguity. I guess I'm bothered when people say to someone, "But you HAVE to call yourself SOMETHING! (e.g. gay, straight, or bi)." What if a person's sexuality has been truly fluid over their lifetime, and they really don't accept being easily categorized?

 

[alaskabibear]

I think you're both right. I can accept labels to some extent as a convenient shorthand for at least partially understanding other people and the world we live in. I have to admit that I'm bothered when labels (never more than a crude description of a whole person IMHO) are taken to represent a person's essential and permanent identity, rather than just a convenient approximation.

I'd feel better if more people seemed to understand that, since human beings and sexuality itself can be fluid, labels are not fixed but (if used at all) will change as people and circumstances change. But here again is the discomfort so many of us experience with ambiguity. I guess I'm bothered when people say to someone, "But you HAVE to call yourself SOMETHING! (e.g. gay, straight, or bi)." What if a person's sexuality has been truly fluid over their lifetime, and they really don't accept being easily categorized?

I think you answered your own question. "Labels" (e.g. names, categories of things, descriptions, etc.) are just what you said; "never more than a crude description of a whole...". It is true in almost all things, especially when dealing with emotions and things of the soul. For example, how many words does it take to describe the emotion of love? The simple word "love" doesn't begin to truly express the depth - and I'm sure what the label "love" means to me is not the same as your own inner understanding of it. Or, try to describe the color red to someone without the sense of sight - an impossible task. Human words are simply too crude to properly convey the depth of truth we know in our hearts. But, without labels,names and descriptions our human existence would be far less rich and also very confusing. Perhaps the frustration with poor "labels" comes because we are striving for the perfect the imperfect?