Why do I feel like this?

[southern_gal]

And why am I even asking this question in the first place? I have spent 40 years trying to be the person my mother always wanted me to be. I used to think that is what I wanted. Since joining Lit I have been on an information gathering quest of sorts. I decided a few months ago that I want some of the inner me to surface and wanted to learn from those that have not spent the bigger part of their lives hiding who and what they really are. I ramble often. I am at a loss to explain but lately I do not want to be the "nice lady" anymore. My husband has been gone for a few weeks (his job does that) and he may not even recognize me when he gets back. I have, for some reason lately, been a total bitch and even I am tired of me. Part of me wants to be treated like one too. Part of me wants to be the mommy and the tease, and part of me wants to be a whore. I hope there are a few folks in Litland that can relate and give me some insight so maybe I will calm my silly self down.

 

[BigCLaunchy]

I'd certainly would like to try.

 

[Story_Daddy]

*Kisses on the cheek*

That pull between who we feel like inside and who others perceive us as is hard. And certainly, the sexual, fantasy side of us is not something that people talk about- and is especially not something that is seen as "acceptable"- but fuck 'em.

Sounds like you are on a mission of discovery- that you are learning exactly what is important to you- and change is hard. Especially when you realize that the old "you" doesn't fit anymore (the side that would make your mom and husband happy)...

I think many of us feel this way- and don't have many people to chat with about it (I am laughing at the thought of telling my friends/family)

Good luck! And if you want to explore some of these things, let me know...

 

[TxBookGirl]

.....

 

[southern_gal]

*Kisses on the cheek*

That pull between who we feel like inside and who others perceive us as is hard. And certainly, the sexual, fantasy side of us is not something that people talk about- and is especially not something that is seen as "acceptable"- but fuck 'em.

Sounds like you are on a mission of discovery- that you are learning exactly what is important to you- and change is hard. Especially when you realize that the old "you" doesn't fit anymore (the side that would make your mom and husband happy)...

I think many of us feel this way- and don't have many people to chat with about it (I am laughing at the thought of telling my friends/family)

Good luck! And if you want to explore some of these things, let me know...

This just made my day. I have been wanting so much for so long and have been torn completely in half between wanting to be the "proper" kind of woman, do and say all the right things, dress a certain way and be seen at certain social events, and then there is the other half of me. We will call her Ms X. She is something. She lives inside my mind and has been cultivated from literally a decade long addiction to erotic stories. Ms X can be a harlot and enjoy it regardless of what the neighbors think yet she can still mix in any circle. She knows who she is and has no qualms about going after what she wants. Dammit I sure wish I was her. In truth I am married to a simply wonderful man that has wanted me for who I am and not who I wish I was. This transformation journey is for both of us. My decision, and very long overdue. It is trying to be sure. I taught school for 10 years before deciding I could no longer do it at the level every teacher should have. I chose a conservative lifestyle and some of me will always want that. Still........there is Ms X. She needs to be on the outside. Why is it so darn difficult? Ok I am thru venting for now but I reserve the right to resume the venting should I feel the need.

 

[southern_gal]

The joys of being a Southern lady

It's very hard to break from the expectations put on us by those around us. Just remember life is short. You don't want to waste anymore time being something you're not. You never know, maybe your husband is desperate to find a change in his life as well. Perhaps this is something you can explore together. It doesn't hurt to start dropping hints. You might be pleasantly surprised. Southern men have a lot of expectations put on them as well.

I am truly blessed in that my husband is one of the most free spirited and patient men I have ever met. We have talked and read literally volumes (we are both nerds sorta) about exploring things sexually and I am getting a bit impatient at my own lack of ability to go thru with many of the things I really want to experience. Isn't that quite a situation to be in? Wanting to be someone other than what you are and yet you are the one holding yourself back. Welcome to my world. Your post says so much in so few words. Thank you.

 

[Whitneymr]

I am truly blessed in that my husband is one of the most free spirited and patient men I have ever met. We have talked and read literally volumes (we are both nerds sorta) about exploring things sexually and I am getting a bit impatient at my own lack of ability to go thru with many of the things I really want to experience. Isn't that quite a situation to be in? Wanting to be someone other than what you are and yet you are the one holding yourself back. Welcome to my world. Your post says so much in so few words. Thank you.

Sounds like you need to setup the Grandparents or some one you trust to keep an eye on the kid/s and go on one your husbands shorter out of town runs so you can explore these feelings away your people you know ( I'm very familiar with southern towns). Then you can try anything you want with or without your husband present and no worry about the Hen Clubs that are so bad down there.

To shift to another part of your post, the reason you may be having all of this turmoil that you don't understand is at your age your mind/body may be hitting Peri-menopause and have a massive amount of hormone changes going on that can cause all kinds of shit to happen to your body/mind.

No matter what you decide to do don't be stupid in the town-neighborhood that your going to be living in especially if you have family there. No matter how much you think the other party you bring in will be quite and trustworthy the shit will get out and hit the fan.

As you can see your not the only one who can ramble, so I'll quit before this turns into my Psych masters thesis.

MRW

 

[LetForeverBe]

And why am I even asking this question in the first place? I have spent 40 years trying to be the person my mother always wanted me to be. I used to think that is what I wanted. Since joining Lit I have been on an information gathering quest of sorts. I decided a few months ago that I want some of the inner me to surface and wanted to learn from those that have not spent the bigger part of their lives hiding who and what they really are. I ramble often. I am at a loss to explain but lately I do not want to be the "nice lady" anymore. My husband has been gone for a few weeks (his job does that) and he may not even recognize me when he gets back. I have, for some reason lately, been a total bitch and even I am tired of me. Part of me wants to be treated like one too. Part of me wants to be the mommy and the tease, and part of me wants to be a whore. I hope there are a few folks in Litland that can relate and give me some insight so maybe I will calm my silly self down.

I certainly think its possible to be mommy/a tease but let out your "whore" side too. Seems to me like you could roll them all together, be the hesitant "mommy" and tease to a guy, before "giving in" and letting him have you, being like almost a whore. Its just a matter of how far you're willing to go. I think I get what you're getting at.

 

[coachr00001]

The joys of being a Southern lady

It's very hard to break from the expectations put on us by those around us. Just remember life is short. You don't want to waste anymore time being something you're not. You never know, maybe your husband is desperate to find a change in his life as well. Perhaps this is something you can explore together. It doesn't hurt to start dropping hints. You might be pleasantly surprised. Southern men have a lot of expectations put on them as well.[/QUOTE]

What exactly are the expectations of a "southern" man as opposed to say, a mid-westnerer, or a notherner? Perhaps it's too guard against change and ya just can't stop it.

 

[Veronica100]

And why am I even asking this question in the first place? I have spent 40 years trying to be the person my mother always wanted me to be. I used to think that is what I wanted. Since joining Lit I have been on an information gathering quest of sorts. I decided a few months ago that I want some of the inner me to surface and wanted to learn from those that have not spent the bigger part of their lives hiding who and what they really are. I ramble often. I am at a loss to explain but lately I do not want to be the "nice lady" anymore. My husband has been gone for a few weeks (his job does that) and he may not even recognize me when he gets back. I have, for some reason lately, been a total bitch and even I am tired of me. Part of me wants to be treated like one too. Part of me wants to be the mommy and the tease, and part of me wants to be a whore. I hope there are a few folks in Litland that can relate and give me some insight so maybe I will calm my silly self down.

i can relate to your story....i have had similar experiences.

 

[LadyVer]

There comes a day, sg, when women say fuck it..You have graduated.

 

[southern_gal]

There comes a day, sg, when women say fuck it..You have graduated.

LadyV you are something girl. I do indeed feel like I am taking some steps. I want to run soon and not crawl. Although for a good enough reason I might crawl.

 

[wooodyme]

Southern Gal
Is there a reason why you and Mrs. X can't coexist? Most of us have some form of dual personality. Keeping 'them' from clashing in public the challenge.

For instance, what would happen if your husband found you were active on LIT? You don't have to be a whore in public. Or even in private but you might want to be at least a bit truthful to both personalities.

I'll step down, now, from my perch in front of the classroom!

Woody

 

[L8tnIt]

amateur psychology

It also seems like you are now realizing how you are as multi-faceted as a fine-cut jewelry quality gemstone. And each facet (the Mother, the Wife, the Lover, etc...) needs attention to be balanced, or you will suffer an unhealthiness in that neglected area.
A first instinct is to overcompensate for the neglected area. Example*: You desire to explore your sexuality in a more daring way, so you go out while your husband is away to meet someone to 'help you explore' yourself. It seems alright, but it isn't balanced... Take your time to introduce yourself to new things at a safe pace for you and those you affect. This word of caution is to prevent irrevocable catastrophes with relationships that have value to you

But I am by no means a professional, so use these words as you see fit

*This is an Example. This is only an Example*

 

[drtyyoleman]

Sounds to me like you've been repressing your desires way too long.
Lots of people here can help you break out.
I'd love to oblige....
Whenever you're ready.

 

[southern_gal]

Southern Gal
Is there a reason why you and Mrs. X can't coexist? Most of us have some form of dual personality. Keeping 'them' from clashing in public the challenge.

For instance, what would happen if your husband found you were active on LIT? You don't have to be a whore in public. Or even in private but you might want to be at least a bit truthful to both personalities.

I'll step down, now, from my perch in front of the classroom!

Woody

Just to make sure we are clear, I am not suffering from a disorder or have multiple personalities. What I was making reference to was the woman that has the desire and nerve to do what pleases her (Ms. X) and the woman that lives a rather conservative lifestyle and acts in a manner that both she and all that know her have come to expect. That woman is the outer me. Ms. X is who I wish I was. I like to think I am sane albeit somewhat confused at times and usually torn between who I want to be and the way I am actually going thru life. As for my husband finding out that I am on Lit, I have been an avid reader of erotica for many years but only recently joined the forums. He and I have read several stories together. He supports my desire to bring more of the inner me to the surface. Does he know about my threads and posts? No. However you will be hard pressed to find one person on Lit that can claim they have naughty pics of me (there are none and even if I owned any they would never be seen by a stranger as long as I am alive) or for that matter ever cybered with me. It just isn't what I came to the forums for. I came for advice and shared experiences. Lastly, as for the whore thingie.......make no mistake I have no intention of, nor will I ever be, the town tramp. Simply will not happen ever. What I was talking about was more of an extreme sense of naughty that I want to share with my husband not every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along. Big Difference. I suffer from a mountain of insecurities and a lifetime of fitting myself into a predetermined mold that I am working to overcome. If I never become more than the person I am, life will still have been wonderful for me in the end.

 

[irishblade]

Good luck southern gal. It sucks not being able to be who we truly are. I hear ya. Good thoughts and well wishes your way!

 

[Pj2424143]

Good luck southern gal. It sucks not being able to be who we truly are. I hear ya. Good thoughts and well wishes your way!

I agree, I feel like a caged animal not being able to be my true self

 

[Dreamtalking]

similar situation

I also spent (wasted?) a lot of my life trying to do the right thing. I joined the forum because i wanted to explore /find out what i want without fear of judgement from my friends and family. Maybe one day when i know what I really want I will be confidant enough to go for it in real life.

 

[southern_gal]

Good luck southern gal. It sucks not being able to be who we truly are. I hear ya. Good thoughts and well wishes your way!

I agree, I feel like a caged animal not being able to be my true self

I also spent (wasted?) a lot of my life trying to do the right thing. I joined the forum because i wanted to explore /find out what i want without fear of judgement from my friends and family. Maybe one day when i know what I really want I will be confidant enough to go for it in real life.

and to all. Should we form a club?

 

[LadyVer]

LadyV you are something girl. I do indeed feel like I am taking some steps. I want to run soon and not crawl. Although for a good enough reason I might crawl.

...

 

[FantasyGir1]

And why am I even asking this question in the first place? I have spent 40 years trying to be the person my mother always wanted me to be. I used to think that is what I wanted. Since joining Lit I have been on an information gathering quest of sorts. I decided a few months ago that I want some of the inner me to surface and wanted to learn from those that have not spent the bigger part of their lives hiding who and what they really are. I ramble often. I am at a loss to explain but lately I do not want to be the "nice lady" anymore. My husband has been gone for a few weeks (his job does that) and he may not even recognize me when he gets back. I have, for some reason lately, been a total bitch and even I am tired of me. Part of me wants to be treated like one too. Part of me wants to be the mommy and the tease, and part of me wants to be a whore. I hope there are a few folks in Litland that can relate and give me some insight so maybe I will calm my silly self down.

I think I could have written this myself! Unless I'd like to be disowned, I'll always have to portray the innocent church girl my mom loves to see. Sometimes, it's a bit of a turn on, knowing I have this "darker" side to me. Just want you to know you're not alone!!!! I admire you for stepping out and being who you truly are!

 

[southern_gal]

I think I could have written this myself! Unless I'd like to be disowned, I'll always have to portray the innocent church girl my mom loves to see. Sometimes, it's a bit of a turn on, knowing I have this "darker" side to me. Just want you to know you're not alone!!!! I admire you for stepping out and being who you truly are!

Thank you FG but truth is, I am undeserving of such a compliment. I am not who I truly want to be. I may never be for that matter. Hopefully I will continue to pursue that end until the me that is on the inside is comfy with being on the outside. When that day might arrive I have not the first clue. If I could live out only a small fraction of my fantasy thoughts, I would likely not need Lit's erotic stories or feel compelled to keep looking for answers. Until then, I will keep smiling and enjoying life and dreaming of fantasies to be fulfilled.

 

[AW48]

Very common, for women and men alike. Look around your life: a lot of people you know - in their 30s and 40s especially - are going through the same thing. But there aren't many safe circles in which to talk about it in real life. Which is why people come on line to do it.

 

[irishblade]

and to all. Should we form a club?

I think this thread has formed a club ;-)