Why did it go down like a lead ballon...?

[matt_wolf]

I enjoyed writing my last story but it didn't get a particularly good response compared to some of my other efforts. Any constructive suggestions why....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=359190

thanks

Matt

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi Matt,

Well, I looked at your story. I think the problem is that your story was pretty much one long narrative. It needs dialog to bring it to life, and give it some spark. I really thought you have a good premise for a story, and it would have been much better if you would have allowed Matt and Michelle to tell it.

A lot of your paragraphs were exceedingly long. They need to be shorter, especially for readers using a computer.

I think you show some talent for writing, and I know you can improve. Good luck in the future.

 

[where]

what DSM said, but for all that, I was totally drawn into the story.

eTA: if you really wanna know what a led balloon looks like read my story SCI

 

[matt_wolf]

Thanks for those comments. Actually thinking about it with hindsight I realise I did have a problem with the voice or perspective of the story. It was supposed to be from the perspective from both Matt and Michelle but perhaps inevitably Matt view came across stronger. Maybe one result of this was it ended up as all story with no voice...

 

[where]

Thanks for those comments. Actually thinking about it with hindsight I realise I did have a problem with the voice or perspective of the story. It was supposed to be from the perspective from both Matt and Michelle but perhaps inevitably Matt view came across stronger. Maybe one result of this was it ended up as all story with no voice...

the advice I always get from eds is to only use one voice or it gets confusing. For me it was the same issue as DSM had. You need to think about paragraphing more and getting some dialogue in there.

And how bad is bad anyway? My story was wallowing with a rating of 3.4 for ages! Now that is bad lol!

 

[matt_wolf]

Ah TRB, but is it wallowing down about 3.5.... thanks for the hot and tender comment btw.

 

[where]

Ah TRB, but is it wallowing down about 3.5.... thanks for the hot and tender comment btw.

you are welcome

you may find that the score goes up when they sweep up the votes. SCI was a blazing 4.8-5 for a week and then plummeted to 3 overnight. Next thing, votes have been removed but the rating went up. I suspect the story is a bit too niche really (as well as all the writing construction issues etc!).

 

[starrkers]

I haven't read it yet, but if it wasn't for this thread, I wouldn't. As soon as I called it up I noticed great lumping slabs of type - your paragraphs are loooong. Not sure why, but long pars are hard on the eyes when reading on-screen. A lot of readers will back click straight away.

I'll offer more when I've read it.

 

[starrkers]

More: The story doesn't really get underway until about 2/3 of the way through - all that comes before is background.

You've made it tough for yourself to hold the reader's interest until the main point of the story - Michelle on the train and what happens after that.

Once again, the paras were awfully long, and some of the sentences a bit convoluted. It would have been easier to read in shorter bites.

I liked the premise.