Why BDSM?

[VirginInEbony]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

 

[precious105]

Is this a general question on why people get involved in the lifestyle?

if it is I suggest you take a look at this thread thats going on now

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=519156

 

[A Desert Rose]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

It's been my experience that they are not strictly defined sexual roles, to most people. Yes, there are websites and books that ascribe this behavior and that as the only accepted way to practice BDSM. And there are those who do have rigid positions in a relationship; i.e. catalina, shy and other slaves who post here. But that's not to say they are rigid in their thinking regarding others and other people's relationships. They are not. Most are fairly fluid and accepting of other people's choices.

The word roles is problematic for me. It suggests that people in this this "lifestyle" slip in and out of character on a whim. Most aren't role playing a part when the mood strikes.

BDSM is a whole spectrum of things and choices and people.

I gotta pack for work and my train of thinking is not staying on the rail... sorry.

Talk about a flight of ideas. LOL

Carry on... and nevermind... aaaaaahahahahah.

 

[BiBunny]

My roles in my relationships are not strictly defined. I am, as a rule, a very laid-back person, so that's the tone my relationships take as well. As a switch, I can submit or dominate, depending on how the mood strikes me. I'd further go on to say that I don't think I play "roles," but that the way my relationships work is just an extension of my own personality.

 

[midwestyankee]

Seems to me the question really is, why sex in any particular form? Because, if you are honest with yourself about who you are, then your sexual choices will be in concert with who you are. A certain portion of the general population finds that sex with folks of the same gender is most fulfilling - because that's who they are. Another portion find that romantic sex between intimate peers is most fulfilling. For others, a sexual relationship is most fulfilling when they and their partner exchange power in an unequal proportion that satisfies them.

It's all in who you are and celebrating yourself and your partner through sex.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

Are you asking in terms of why people who practice BDSM do so?

Or is it a deeper question of why do people who practice BDSM do so, when society (as a whole) has so much inequallity (women paid less than male counterparts/etc)/rape/blunder/pillage stuff which happens on an individual through national level every day, therefore why choose to participate in something that actively creates a dynamic of inequality/force/brutality?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

BDSM is not always about sex, you know.

 

[april2000]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

There are strictly defined roles in society? I've never noticed that - no, really, I haven't. Maybe it's because I've always been one of the boys, and work in a male dominated industry where I'm treated as very much an equal (and superior in some cases), but I don't really see defined gender roles in little niche of society at all. Or maybe I'm just blind, I don't know.

On the other hand, maybe being treated like an equal all the time is what makes me want to submit to a man. I think you might have it backwards, as least as it applies to me.

 

[nh23]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

Why Not?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Seems to me the question really is, why sex in any particular form? Because, if you are honest with yourself about who you are, then your sexual choices will be in concert with who you are. A certain portion of the general population finds that sex with folks of the same gender is most fulfilling - because that's who they are. Another portion find that romantic sex between intimate peers is most fulfilling. For others, a sexual relationship is most fulfilling when they and their partner exchange power in an unequal proportion that satisfies them.

It's all in who you are and celebrating yourself and your partner through sex.

If that's a golf swing, you dropped your tee shot on a par three about two feet from the cup. Keep Eb's Corollary in mind, however.

BDSM is not always about sex, you know.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Wowsers...you don't ask the easy questions, do you?

Welcome back to Lit by the way... That was a long dry spell since your last message board post.

The only answer I can offer is that I am who and what I am, I like what I like, I need and want what I need and want.

Now that I better understand this aspect of myself, any romantic/erotic relationship I have will have BDSM elements involved. If nothing else, the SM will be there because I'm a sadistic summonabeach...

 

[MechaBlade]

Yes, why BDSM? Why the need for such strictly defined roles in a sexual relationship? Especially when there is so much of that in other aspects of life and society. Or maybe that is why?

Because it feels good.

I wouldn't say "strictly" defined.

 

[midwestyankee]

If that's a golf swing, you dropped your tee shot on a par three about two feet from the cup. Keep Eb's Corollary in mind, however.

Thanks. Now I just hope I can make the putt.

Yes, Eb's corollary is absolutely essential to the geometry here. Since the OP was asking specifically about sexual relationships, I held my answer to that corner of the topic.

 

[VirginInEbony]

Thank You

Thanks to all who replied to my topic. I appreciate it more than you could ever know.

Now I will give a few responses:

1. Thank you CutieMouse you got the point of my inquiry exactly right. You did a better job of summing it up than I ever could.

2. Yes, I know BDSM is not all about sex. But it is by definition a sexual relationship even if there is no actual sex.

3. To april2000, if only I could have your perfect life. I have worked in retail for 17 years and have encountered people from all walks of life. And that has taught me that women are still not well respected. I see this as not just a problem between the sexes, but also within the female sect.


Anyhow, thank you all again. I always find human reaction most fascinating. And this thread provided quite few interesting ones.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks to all who replied to my topic. I appreciate it more than you could ever know.

Now I will give a few responses:

1. Thank you CutieMouse you got the point of my inquiry exactly right. You did a better job of summing it up than I ever could.

Anyhow, thank you all again. I always find human reaction most fascinating. And this thread provided quite few interesting ones.

I guess I can sort of understand the "why" question from the viewpoint that society is screwed up enough with regards to power... but for me, society's failure to responsibly manage, delegate, and engage in acts of power doesn't have a lot to do with my private/personal relationship.

A lot of people get married to someone they love, or express conectivity through sex, or go skydiving with their best friend to solidify a bond... Those acts can have a spiritual, emotional and physical impact on the rest of one's life. they are well defined, understood commitments (or non commitments) that work (for a lot of people) as a form of personal expression.

I don't want to express myself, or my complete Adoration of the man I Love, through socially understood acts, because *for me* it isn't deep enough. Pain, pleasure, service, and devotion are the rawest and truest ways for me to crawl inside my Lover's soul, and for him to crawl inside mine. His requests that I suffer for him, is an expression of his Love for me. My agony is a mirror of that Love. If I don't return the favor, I'm stealing his opportunity to know he is equally cherished. (Oh the joys of being a hopeless romantic with a masochistic streak a mile wide... )

It's about as soul baring as I/we can get. There isn't anyplace to hide. No one can put on a smile and say "No dear I'm fine... really" when they're a blubbering mess of endorphins and agony. Better than being married, better than skydiving, better than random sex. Even if we still live in a somewhat patriarchal society that breaks stuff and kills things.

 

[april2000]

3. To april2000, if only I could have your perfect life. I have worked in retail for 17 years and have encountered people from all walks of life. And that has taught me that women are still not well respected. I see this as not just a problem between the sexes, but also within the female sect. .

Actually, I'll agree with you on the fact that women don't respect other women. I've noticed that women don't like to see other women succeed and will go as far as trying to drag other women down. As for men not respecting us, I'm an engineer in the aerospace industry, which has traditionally been an "old boys" club. I'm fairly young though, and I've never seen it. I make as much or more than some men with my same qualifications and my manager (male) defers to me on quite a bit of work. I'm not saying it's a perfect life, I'm saying that from where I sit, I don't see clearly defined gender roles.

I was thinking about my post yesterday, and the more I think about it, the more I think that's why being dominated appeals to me. We've gone so far into making men and women equal in the workplace, and although that's a GOOD thing, it makes me feel like one of the men. I don't mind men deferring to me in the workplace, but I DON'T want them deferring to me in real life. That's a turnoff to me. I want a man to put me in my place and not treat me like another man. I know for most women, it doesn't mean they want a man to tie them up and "beat" them, but that's what it means for me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Since the question asked why BDSM, I had to add my two cents worth.

If I had a sexual relationship with every submissive I had a
BDSM relationship with, I would be dead by now, or at least unable to stay gainfully employed.

Truth be known, not every submissive who comes to me is sexually attractive to me AND vice versa. The only component we have in common is that I can take them places a vanilla woman cannot because I can dominate them.

Now others may use BDSM as a bedroom practice. More power to you. It just is not my way. YMMV.

 

[midwestyankee]

Ebonyfire, as always, your "two cents" would buy a lot more than a Tootsie Roll.

 

[Ebonyfire]

2. Yes, I know BDSM is not all about sex. But it is by definition a sexual relationship even if there is no actual sex.

I have to disagree.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebonyfire, as always, your "two cents" would buy a lot more than a Tootsie Roll.

Thanks. It is very hard to explain to people who find BDSM a sexual experience to understand the opposite effect.

To me sex is sex. And it is only a tool I use. The ability to manipulate a person's sexuality is a parlor trick. Another type of Pavlov's conditioning.

There are elements that can be though of as being erotic (for some) sensual (for others) and sexual ( for many). I could go on and on, but the bottom line is this.

If it is a sexual kink, that is ok, but to say it is a fundamental sexual focus is doing the process a disservice.

Whew! Now I need a nap!

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... and I come to my senses again.

Or remember the last time you were <fill in the blank> out of your senses.

 

[Ebonyfire]

There are days when I think I could totally geek out on pure service oriented exchanges... then I think about how much I would miss stupid relationship stuff, and I come to my senses again.

What do you consider stupid relationship stuff?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well... that too. (it's been so long I'm not sure I *can* remember such a thing... sigh.)



I know myself well enough to know that I need intimacy to be happy in a relationship- which is part of my "stupid relationship stuff" file. I actually miss intimacy quite a bit... not enough to regret my divorce or anything, but I miss stupid things like waking up next to a Lover, or planning/cooking together for a dinner party, or hanging out and bullshitting with friends...dumb things like remembering stupid details of really minor things, and taking advantage of opportunities to let each other know you remembered XYZ. I miss companionship, which I know exsists in service oriented relationships, but I'm not sure it would work for me.

I'm actually very service oriented while in relationships, but in my head, being in a service oriented relationship would limit interaction in terms of intimacy, and I know in order to be happy, I need intimacy beyond what *I* would feel comfortable with in a relationship *I* defined as "service oriented."

Ahhh, thanks for elaborating for me.