Why are people not direct and honest about sex in a relationship?

[dansemajik]

I have been reading some responses to if women really like giving oral sex...Good thread by the way, Good responses too.

I am amazed at the number of people out there, young and old, who play head games(no pun intended). Sexually speaking, they pretend to like something, be in head, or anal, or experimental, role play, I could go on and on. But once the relationship is "cemented" by marriage, or some other commitment, they suddenly stop doing it. Or, if it is oral sex, the partner, I would say woman, but I know a lot of guys who don't like to give oral to girls too...Will still perform, but only in a token measure. They will give maybe a minute of mediocre performance.

I don't understand why, if you don't like it, do you even do it to begin with? If the thought of a dick in your mouth makes you sick, don't put it there. Or if the thought of anything anywhere, makes you sick, don't go there.

any thoughts?

 

[PolishedKnob]

Very interesting question. They are probably thinking, "Okay, I've done this before and it was horrible, but if that's what he/she wants then maybe it will be better this time." So they give it shot, hoping they will learn to like it. I suppose it's possible that they really will learn to enjoy it; the first time for anything can be awkward. It takes quite a bit of experience before you can decide what you are comfortable with. However, usually the ending is not so happy, as you said. They may start to resent their partner for expecting them to do it; keeping their real feelings bottled up until they become bitter.

If a girl said to me upfront, "I don't like giving blow jobs," I would politely move along, even if she was perfect in every other way. Does this make me a pig?

Being compatable sexually is an important part of a relationship, but most people don't understand just how important it is until it's too late.

 

[dansemajik]

No, it doesn't make you a pig to want to be with someone who is compatable with your sexual needs. I am talking about the men and women who only give head until they have what they want, and then just stop. Like you said, it builds up resentment and in the end, things get ugly.

What is wrong with trying, and deciding you are not comfortable with something, be in anal, oral or bondage...and telling your partner in a way that is kind and not judgemental that you are not comfortable. Instead, they don't say anything, for a long time, and suffer. I have a friend, who I love dearly, she has been dating this same guy for years. He sometimes gets a little rough, and it hurts her. When he asks if it does, she says no...and then she comes to me, and asks me what she should do...She should tell him, yes, it hurts. But she is in this web now, where she has told him forever that it doesn't, it sounds stupid for her to tell him now, that she's been lying all these years....It just amazes me.

 

[Thor's Hammer]

old joke

Woman in wedding dress just before she walks down the aisle. Her friend says, "You are beaming. You are positively radiantly happy! Is it because you are finally getting married?"

The answer, "No, its because he has just had his last blow job."

LOL

 

[Guest]

Cute joke, BTW, Thor. I don't think I'm like any other woman out there. I'm very open and honest about my sexuality and what I do & don't like. I don't like people who play games, so I certianly don't do it myself.

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

 

[dansemajik]

I too have heard that joke, and it falls short here. I give head simply because I SOOOO love it. It is a bonus that my boyfriend loves it that I love it.

I'm with Tiggs. Stop the BS game playing, deal straight. If you can't be honest with the person you most care about, you are certainly lost.

 

[dancinvixen]

While I think everyone has a right to their opinions, I do believe that in this case, many women aren't honest because of the strictures of society. A woman is brought up to believe that saying she wants anything other than what the man wants is like posting a large flashing neon light saying" I'm a whore come get me". Not many women feel they can deal with this stigma. The women who are upfront about their sexuality are the ones who had parents that defied society. Basically, if the woman isn't willing to talk about her sexuality, take a look at how she was raised. In all actuality, how we were raised has a lot of bearing on who we are today

 

[dansemajik]

I beg to differ. With all due respect dancinvixen, My parents are of the original sexually repressed generation. Everything I learned, I did on my own. I am not promiscuous, nor am I a whore. I just choose to be direct in the way I deal with my life. People who don't, are lying, either to themselves, or to the people they claim to love. This just creates resentment, which is most often the main emotion that destroys relationships.

We can't continue to blame our upbringing, or our envirnment for the choices we make in life.

Forgive the soap box. We are all welcome to our opinions, thoughts, and the way we live our lives.

 

[Guest]

I beg to differ. With all due respect dancinvixen, My parents are of the original sexually repressed generation. Everything I learned, I did on my own.

I have to agree here. My mother told me "everything" (masturbation, premarital sex, homosexuality, etc.) was bad, wrong, and evil. Everything I know about sex I learned from "hands on" experience. Hell, it's possible that I could have been a lesbian to this day (I wasn't attracted to boys my age, or men for that matter, growing up), but I started messing around with boys also to "prove" to myself I wasn't a lesbian. (Talk about a fucked up childhood, huh? lol) At any rate, I'm NOT sexually repressed thanks to my mother!

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

 

[lala]

well there are so many motivations for the same action-

some people are sexually repressed,
some people believe that they can't speak up,
some are waiting to be asked,

i think it has to do with the fact that most people are not honest with each other about anything. i mean really honest about everything.

because i am currently having an immesurable problem- i am honest. and i hurt people all the time. sometimes it's because of my delivery or my word chocie- and some of it is that people have the right to be hurt by anything- including being told the truth.

so most people edit and candycoat what they have to say- in hopes of not hurting or offending-

i'm amazed at how often people do things for the benefit of the people around them long before what they want-

there is so much insecurity when it comes to sex- we don't have a manual on romantic relationships-

and talk about something uncomfortable- people would rather do something than talk about it- in most arenas, and especially romanticism- we want that to just work, without maintenance, or getting into the nitty-gritty,...

danse, you've brought up a lot of things in my mind, and this but a small portion- i'm glad you started this thread,...

 

[dansemajik]

Lala, I don't know how old you are, but it takes a while to learn tact when speaking honestly with other people. It took me a good many years (late 20's) before I learned the art of diplomacy. I was blunt, and that does sometimes hurt.

I have had the fortune of being my own person for as long as I can remember. I didn't accept anything my parents told me as true just because they said it. I am a cynic. I expect people to dissappoint me. That is a character flaw..but it is one I live with.

We have to wake up, and feel like it is OK to be straight about things we feel passionate about. If a guy hits you, and you don't "do" anything, just apologize for whatever you get hit, then he thinks it is OK to hit you. Granted, that is an extreme. But same with sex. If it hurts, and you don't like the pain, if you don't say something about it, you have no right to bitch...

There I go again, on this soapbox. Pardon.,
Danse

 

[lala]

danse, i wholeheartedly agree with you- the reason i'm so vocal, even to the point of hurting people is because i can't stand to take it (whtaver it may be) from anyone- i'd rather dish it. and if everyone did that we might all be more confident in ourselves, or our entire societal structure could collapse, i don't know,.. anyway,

i have to say honesty is so important, i don't know how anyone can be happy without.

what i don't like is people being passive aggressive- it chaps my hide everytime. if you don't like something- stop it, any way you can, but don't resent the other person because you won't actively participate in the decison making in your own life!

my soapbox,... one of my main complaints while on it is that people don't take responsibility for their life, make things happen in your life- don't let them happen to you!

here's the whole point i'm making-

DON'T TAKE IT!

*wiping hands on apron*
"well with that said,..."
i retire the soapbox for another ten minutes,... *L*