Why am I like this?

[Azalea]

I am not involved in the "Lifestyle," as you all refer to it, and have no hope of being involved in it, as Iam monogamously (and happily) wed to a man who would consider it pretty immoral and perverted.

But I have questions I need answers to, about my sexuality.....and there are people here whose intelligent reflections I have come to respect who could probably help me.
In fact, it is this forum that drew me to register at lit, tho now I mainly write sexual role-plays.....which I have discovered I love doing.

My sexual fantasies always include the idea of my being a slave, and my master finding that he receives sexual pleasure from whipping/punishing me. In my fantasies, this man is never cruel, but just the opposite - an intelligent, sensitive master who loves me and is even experiencing distress over his need to hurt me in some way for his enjoyment. Lately, my fantasies have increasingly included him sharing me with someone in authority over him (a noble sharing his woman with his king, for example, or a Roman patrician sharing me with his friend). The idea of my master offering to allow another man to "mount" me for his pleasure drives me insanely wild.

I grew up in a very conswervative home religiously, and was closely sheltered. I was a virgin when I married and have only been with my husband. Is it possible that this pain/punishment thing is a psychological mechanism which enables me to enjoy something I was raised to view as "dirty"?

I would really appreciate someone with some knowledge of the BDSM mechanism to help me understand myself, my need to feel I am submitting to a master, albeit a loving one.

One further note....when I was only 7, I used to draw stick pictures in my books of people tying up and torturing/whip[ping other people. This theme has run through my sexuality from my earliest childhood. Do any of you think I need some kind of therapy? Or do I sound like I am more normal than I think I am?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Therapy never hurt anyone...not to say I think you are sick, but it may help to have a neutral professional to talk to. You need to frigure out how to balance your needs with you desire to stay married to the man you love. Simply trying to suppress it, of course, is likely to lead to disaster.

 

[Justina123]

Hi! I am by no means an expert, a knowledgeable professional, or in any way "qualified" to answer this question. That said, I'll be happy to throw in my two cents...

I was also raised quite conservatively and was more or less happily married for 18 years, and probably all that time I occasionally had the same kind of fantasies you talk about. At the time, I considered they were something wrong and to be hidden and suppressed. Had life played out differently, if I had not been divorced, fallen in love againn and subsequently "widowed", etc. I may lived happily ever after and never tried to lived any of my fantasies.

But, as life would have it, the curves and downturns caused be to want to see if any of these fantasies could be reality, and whether the reality would be all I hoped it to be. There were some rough spots at the beginning, but I would say I am very, very glad I took the gamble to explore and I have been fortunate enough to meet and come to belong to a very loving Master.

However, everyone is different and, had my life not taken some rather difficult twists, I may have been every bit as happy just enjoying the sexual fantasies, NOT taking them out of the realm of daydreams and into the realm of real life, who knows? I honestly don't. I do think a lot more women, especially, have these type of fantasy thoughts than are willing to admit it.

Enough rambling...be well...

- justina

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hi! I am by no means an expert, a knowledgeable professional, or in any way "qualified" to answer this question. That said, I'll be happy to throw in my two cents...

Just for the record, I was in no way implying that you or anyone else on Lit shouldn't put in their opinion, or that your contribution couldn't help.

 

[psiberzerker]

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and yes, I think it's possible that your upbringing may have contributed to your fantasies. My advice to you, and anyone in the position you described is this:
Let your mind wander, and keep it all in your fantasies. Due to your upbringing, and experience (Or lack thereof), I wouldn't suggest trying anything like that IRL. Perhapse share a little with oyur husband, slowly, gently, and introduce him to the concepts. Make sure you have them fixed in Your mind first, though before trying to bring him out.
Finnaly, there's nothing wrong with kinky thoughts, they're part of the human condition. That you are strong enough to resist them shows how good a Christian you are, and is a credit to your upbringing. You shouldn'ty be punished for that because you never get to act on them.
I don't know you, or your husband, but there's little to be lost from carefully exposing to your fantasies. Don't be surprised if he has had similar thoughts, but found them too disturbing to mention, or even aknowledge. The guilt mechanism can be very powerfull. I doubt he will leave you for your dirty mind, if that's your fear.

 

[Azalea]

He is aware of how feeling overpowered excites me and we have experimented quite recently with him using a tie to restrain my hands behind my back. I will never forget the force of the feelings that flooded me during the simple act of him taking my wrists behind me and tying them. He was knotting them too tightly though, and there was some pain which interfered with the experiment's success..
He teases me about tying my wrists to the bedposts...he even joked about needing to get a whip and chains. So he has some awareness of my fantasy content.

Thanks for the comments so far......I appreciate your ideas, and welcome more.

 

[psiberzerker]

Just take it slow, savour it nstead of diving in with both feet. He sounds reasonably receptive, if hesitant, and that's probably what you need. It'll actually help foster the kind of loving relationship that I envy you for. Have fun, be safe, and thank him profusely for his understanding every chance you get.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

He is aware of how feeling overpowered excites me and we have experimented quite recently with him using a tie to restrain my hands behind my back. I will never forget the force of the feelings that flooded me during the simple act of him taking my wrists behind me and tying them. He was knotting them too tightly though, and there was some pain which interfered with the experiment's success..
He teases me about tying my wrists to the bedposts...he even joked about needing to get a whip and chains. So he has some awareness of my fantasy content.

Thanks for the comments so far......I appreciate your ideas, and welcome more.

Looks to me like you are doing just fine! Take things slow, and gentle, and give him time. Pretty soon, you'll have him trained to beat you raw on a weekly basis!!


LOL, that doesn't sound romantic, does it?

 

[bunny bondage]

sounds like things are turning in greased grooves. since the one person you're going to be having sex with for the rest of your life is this husband fellow, then it logically follows that if you have any sexual fantasies, he'd be the guy to go to. i will keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[Azalea]

Thanks! You all are making me feel pretty normal! I'm smiling for the first time since early this morning, actually......

 

[Richard49]

You are normal and sounds like you are handling it as well as you can at the moment ......

Lets hope hubbt feels over whelmed with passion and power also

 

[D's mariposa]

Relax! You're normal....

And very lucky; your husband knows how you feel and appears to be willing to help you with your, ahem, er, thing... I have to admit I'm a geek and tend to point people towards books and such. (Wow, a kinky geek.. Who'd've thunk it?) You might want to try "When someone you love is Kinky" by Janet Hardy and Catherine Liszt. They also did a pair of books called "the Topping Book" and "The bottoming Book" And finally, "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman, is a pretty good read.

Another thing you may try is looking for a bdsm group in your community, especially if your hubby wants to learn to handle a whip. Yes, I know it is possible to learn to handle a whip or flogger with out assistance, (D learned that way, and WOW is he good...) but your local organisation usually will have demos and things. Lots of fun stuff.

 

[Azalea]

Goodness, I am a mess! Your post has me excited....lol

The idea of my hubby learning to "handle a whip" cracks me up, though...he would never approve. However, I want to report that he has taken to pulling/tuggong on my hair (I wear it pretty short) during our sex play, and I find that exciting. He also has started to enjoy using his fingernails really hard, scratching me so much he leaves red lines all over me.....they disappear after a while, don't worry!

I seem to have him turned on to being a bit rougher during sex, and I guess that's a start.

P.S. The idea of finding a BDSM "group" in this reactionary, Bible-belt community cracks me up....lol

 

[bunny bondage]

glad to hear things are going well! (and about the red lines - hang around for a bit, you'll learn that things like this do not worry us! ) keep us posted! ^_^

 

[MWG]

Goodness, I am a mess! Your post has me excited....lol

The idea of my hubby learning to "handle a whip" cracks me up, though...he would never approve. However, I want to report that he has taken to pulling/tuggong on my hair (I wear it pretty short) during our sex play, and I find that exciting. He also has started to enjoy using his fingernails really hard, scratching me so much he leaves red lines all over me.....they disappear after a while, don't worry!

I seem to have him turned on to being a bit rougher during sex, and I guess that's a start.

P.S. The idea of finding a BDSM "group" in this reactionary, Bible-belt community cracks me up....lol

Believe me, Az, I can VOUCH for that last statement! ;-)

 

[Richard49]

P.S. The idea of finding a BDSM "group" in this reactionary, Bible-belt community cracks me up....lol

I have found them were ever I have went
from seminary in Alabama
to
Mormon elders in Salt Lake

 

[MissTaken]

I grew up in a very conswervative home religiously, and was closely sheltered. I was a virgin when I married and have only been with my husband. Is it possible that this pain/punishment thing is a psychological mechanism which enables me to enjoy something I was raised to view as "dirty"?

I was doing some research on BDSM last night and did find references that suggested that for some, their desires are repressed by their upbringing.

Some psychologists suggest that people who were raised thinking or believing that sex is "dirty" may seek out this "punishment" during sexual play...hence BDSM.

I think that the more and more we are seeing research indicate that fantasies such as yours, a desire for submission or Dominance, is a "sexual preference" versus and anomaly or aberrant behavior. Some people are just drawn this way as others are gay or even asexual.

Your husband is a very lucky man. I have to blurt this. So many people come on line and find themselves drawn from their generally wonderful relationship because their sexual goals aren't being realized. I respect your decision and your commitment to your marriage.

And you are a lucky gal to have someone who is willing to explore this with you, even quite slowly and carefully.

I often wonder if my own childhood fantasies of the knight in shining armor and the castles and the dragons and the Lady of the House, managing the castle, but deferring to her Knight has anything to do with where I am now.

 

[Azalea]

Thank you MissTaken! Your remarks are very kind, dear, and greatly appreciated.
I am indeed a blessed woman......who also happens to be thrilled she has a very vivid imagintion!!!