Who should do the travelling?

[emer]

This has been a question of mine from the first time i met someone online ... someone i actually felt like meeting in real life.

Is there a "rule" for who should do the driving or flying or whatever. I for one would love to meet a certain Dom but because of my work and children and family responsibilities I just can't up and take off. Also safety concerns. And the finances. Even with safe words, contacts, etc i don't feel comfortable leaving "my space" and being vulnerable in "his space".

I guess my question for myself is "am i feeling uncertain or unsafe in the relationship we are developing or and i just being very unsubly stubborn?"

I'm feeling the pressure to "come to him" (not his words, just something a creepy guy said once) by him and myself but truthfully, i know that the trip would cause me mental and financial stress. i think He thinks i'm just making excuses ... maybe i am.

( and may i add an emphatic NO to the query ... if he paid would you go? ... the doubts would still be there and i'd be offended ... guess i answered that one for myself ... it's not the money, what is it???)

How do the rest of Y/you who meet long distance bridge the gap?

 

[Quint]

I can sympathize with the long-distance nature of your relationship. T lives about 7 hours drive from me. We've varied our methods of visits...our first visit, he drove up to see me. The next time, I had a three-day weekend and he didn't, so I took a Greyhound to see him. (Sorry, Rosco, I didn't get cruelly molested.) I suppose that's the only way you could get me to say we switch!

Money is sometimes an issue, but we try to balance the expenditures so that the brunt of the food bill lies on the one who didn't buy gas for the trip. The biggest problem is time. Anything less than a three-day weekend and it's hard to justify such a time- and cost-consuming trip.

I don't think that it is "unsubly" for you to be concerned about meeting in real life. Especially for one such as you, who has so many other concerns that NEED to be dealt with, any respectable Dom/me would be understanding and shrug aside their "pride" to meet you, assuming of course that they do not have the same pressure of obligations as you. I think it may be romantic but misinformed to believe that such mundane details as "who visits who" should be the submissive's responsibility. Relationships, even (especially?) D/s relationships, are meetings of partners.

Whatever the reason, I wish you peace of mind. Be honest with yourself; if you feel threatened or unsafe as you put it, push even harder for a meeting on safer ground that will leave you an easy escape should you need it. But also be aware that what you're feeling may just be nerves or secret fears that may be resolved upon meeting with him. Best wishes.

 

[lady-kat]

This has been a question of mine from the first time i met someone online ... someone i actually felt like meeting in real life.

Is there a "rule" for who should do the driving or flying or whatever. I for one would love to meet a certain Dom but because of my work and children and family responsibilities I just can't up and take off. Also safety concerns. And the finances. Even with safe words, contacts, etc i don't feel comfortable leaving "my space" and being vulnerable in "his space".

I guess my question for myself is "am i feeling uncertain or unsafe in the relationship we are developing or and i just being very unsubly stubborn?"

I'm feeling the pressure to "come to him" (not his words, just something a creepy guy said once) by him and myself but truthfully, i know that the trip would cause me mental and financial stress. i think He thinks i'm just making excuses ... maybe i am.

( and may i add an emphatic NO to the query ... if he paid would you go? ... the doubts would still be there and i'd be offended ... guess i answered that one for myself ... it's not the money, what is it???)

How do the rest of Y/you who meet long distance bridge the gap?

thank you for posting this thread emer. i will be following with great interest to see what more experienced posters have to say also.

i have no experience with meeting a long distance Dom or "partner". i have had a few local to my area Doms (if they truly are) contact me thru IM. some conversations raised red flags in my thinking. if u are uneasy with meeting him on his turf, then so be it.

i cannot speak to a "rule" about who goes to whom.... my rule for myself is self-preservation/protection. unsubly stubborn?.... not in my book... you express valid concerns.

i have seen others post about meeting on neutral ground for a first meeting. and with a safe call also.

 

[lark sparrow]

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about who goes to see whom - aside from those of safety, comfort and do-ablility.

On our first meeting IRL, I flew to Mistress' city and we met on the neutral ground of the airport and then my hotel room. She stayed there with me the entire duration of the visit, but once we had spent some time together I did go to Her home. I had also known Her for a year online/telephone (as in daily, lengthy contact), so I was quite certain regarding Her trustworthiness and our connection, aside from the usual nervousness about first time meetings.

The three other people I've met from online were all different ways and occasions of meeting, often through business trips or holidays. Mistress was the first person wherein the meeting was my only purpose of travel. I've also never had a problem with anyone I've met real time from online, though I have usually known them for a substantial length of time.

If your discomfort is larger than your desire, I wouldn't push yourself too hard in an uncomfortable direction. It may simply not be time for this particular meeting - for an overwhelming number of reasons. If it doesn't feel right and it is overtly inconvenient, there is no reason for guilt and second-guessing yourself. A good relationship, with communication, can withstand a bit of waiting for the right time.

 

[T.J. Jackson]

There are no hard and fast rules about who travels to who. In my case for me to go to my PK it would be a four day drive to the West Coast followed by a 21 day cruise to the land down under. I have an extreme fear of flying. That was made clear when we first started talking to each other. While I am willing to take the cruise at this time it is not feasable for me to close up shop for that long. Sooo, she will be flying to me, soon.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Maybe it's because I've had such bad experiences with a few of the men I've met on the internet, I just would not be able to travel from my 'safe space'.

I understand that many people would think that it is the submissive's role to travel to his/her Dom/me, but at the same time, if a sub feels uncomfortable about something, and it's something THIS important, we must remember 'Safe, Sane, Consentual'. Would you go against your inner gut feeling? That's not safe, and it's not truly consentual.

If your Dom feels that you are making up stories, then the communication is not good enough. He needs to know all of your concerns.. he needs to understand, as your Dom, and as your partner, that you are feeling unsure and uncomfortable. The two of you must work something out so that you both feel comfortable.

Why won't he come to you? Some would argue that, as the 'provider', the 'mentor' in the relationship, that He would come to you.

As I mentioned, I don't think I could travel to meet someone from the internet. Even when I have FRIENDS online, I prefer them to come to me, because of the past experiences I've had. I like people to be on MY turf, so that I have the control of my safety, so that I can get out if anything goes awry.

 

[lark sparrow]

It's interesting how each of us view it. I have always been of the mind that if I am uncertain about a relationship, I would rather be on neutral ground, or their turf. That way, if I want out, all I have to do is leave and I don't have to worry about them hanging out in my turf.

 

[T.J. Jackson]

It's interesting how each of us view it. I have always been of the mind that if I am uncertain about a relationship, I would rather be on neutral ground, or their turf. That way, if I want out, all I have to do is leave and I don't have to worry about them hanging out in my turf.

Or knowing where your turf is.

 

[lark sparrow]

Or knowing where your turf is.

Yep!

my home turf is the last place I will bring someone I am uncertain about - and by uncertain I don't mean fearing that they will harm me (as I simply wouldn't be around at all if that was the case), but it allows for a cleaner break if necessary and retains the "sanctity" of my home turf. It also gives one an idea about how the other person lives, and yes, gives you an edge in privacy should it become a concern.

Both ways truly have their own benefits and downfalls. If you feel more comfortable having them come to you, I think you should stick with that reasoning, unless and until, it doesn't feel threatening or too inconvenient. There's also meeting somewhere in the middle - sharing the expense, travel, etc.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It can go either way

I have found that it just depends on the situation. I have travelled to meet a sub (at his expense), and he has travelled to meet me (also at his expense).

What matters to Me is that it is always at his expense. I will not pay to visit a submissive.

 

[Richard49]

IMHO

It is what you both decide and what works for you

Saftey is an issue
but
you can go to them and still be safe

 

[notaquietlurker]

I say meet your partner half-way in a neutral city. With each of you paying for your own way and seperate hotel rooms(in case things don't work out the way you wanted them to.) Make sure your family knows where you are going and follow your first instincts. Safety first and all that.

 

[emer]

Thanks Everyone

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. I haven't quite mastered the "snip and quote" process so i can't personalize this as much as i would like.

All of the responses have either validated my concerns or made me rethink my immediate reaction.

The major thing is communication ... something i've not been so good at in the past. Tend to assume too much. Honesty ... with myself or another ... is Hard!!!

(BTW ... i did try to do a search on Travel before i posted this question. Got distracted by the hilarous post on North/South football etiquette by SpankableBell.)

Good Night all ... off to get some much needed sleep myself. Tomorrow i'm taking my son and his friends to check out the bike rally here in town. (i'll pretend to be interested in all the shiny chromey stuff they are looking at ... but really drooling over the cuties riding them!)

 

[catalina_francisco]

While I was searching for the one for me, I both travelled to them, and had them visit me, though the latter was never in my own home for the initial meeting and not until I was 100% certain trust had been established and felt comfortable with that person. I think it is open to the people involved more so than the D/s role issues, and the elements to be considered including work, children, economics, safety.

I tend to agree with LS that if there is any degree of doubt left and you decide you still want to meet them to get a better idea, meeting on their turf in a neutral and public place is best. If that is not possible and they live a long way away, next option would be their booking into a motel/hotel room for their stay, and meeting away from your home and area as much as possible, always taking the appropriate safety measures.

Catalina

 

[hurtme]

hmmm...I have travelled to visit people I had never met in r/l, but i don't know if I would do it now, not beucase the experiences were bad, but because I was young and naive, and I didn't think anything bad could really happen to me...when in reality, no one would know where I was for weeks at a time, i didn't really know the people I hung out with...even now I seem to lack the self preservation gene...
I won't meet people on my turf...in fact, even my closest friend, someone I consider family, who only lives five minutes away from me, has been in my apartment maybe twice in the 6 months I have lived here, and this is the first apt of mine she has even seen, even though I have had three others...my turf is my sanctuary, I don't like other people here at all, I am very territorial about it...and if I don't bring my friends, I am not going to bring strangers...
I much prefer to meet on neutral ground...

 

[NCShin]

Well all good advice in this thread, I'll only add my experience.


We met IRL before we could be termed a LDR, it started local and I moved back home to the USA so this is a bit different.

She always come here. There are a few reasons, the biggest being that Japan is so HUGELY expensive and the fact that she has a roommate and I do not. She also loves to visit the US, so it works out.

IF i was to get involved with someone online...

I can see both sides, both could work and both could be best.

If I was the submissive, I'd likely rather be at my own place. A place where I knew that I had friends and reletives close by who I could have check on me.

As a dom, I don't think I'd care either way. I might prefer my own place just because I'd know my way around a bit better, but in the long run it really wouldn't matter.

If either location is a deal breaker for the dom in question I might have second thoughts.

 

[fallon2]

One time

One time we agreed that for the experience to work that I would have to fly to "the biggest kitty litter box" city. I got my ticket and then . . . you guessed it. Cold feet, and I never did go. Yes, I was unable to turn the ticket back in (try to explain about a sub) after being told there would be no problems.
The weird thing is that I still appreciate her and hope that where ever she is she is happy!

 

[fallon2]

I forgot

I forgot to answer the question. Thw answer is whatever is best for the woman. By the way, I never did get mad that she had cold feet. It DOES happen many times that subs get cold feet. have

 

[fallon2]

I forgot

I forgot to answer the question. Thw answer is whatever is best for the woman. By the way, I never did get mad that she had cold feet. It DOES happen many times that subs get cold feet. have

 

[fallon2]

I forgot

I forgot to answer the question. Thw answer is whatever is best for the woman. By the way, I never did get mad that she had cold feet. It DOES happen many times that subs get cold feet. have