phantome71
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2002
- Posts
- 36
This has been edited and re-written. Please check it out
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71288
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71288
White Cotton Panties
- Thread starter phantome71
- Start date
BigTexan
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2002
- Posts
- 268
Phantome71,
First off, everything I say is just my opinion.
Overall, this was a nice little erotic story. The main problem with it is that you "tell" everything and never real "show" the reader.
An example:
Behind the bar stood Gloria. My name is Maureen and all three of us had been through school together. Gloria's Dad was the landlord and Gloria herself had always had a reputation of being a slutty girl!
This is a clear "tell" paragraph. It would have been much better if you could have shown us how slutty Gloria was and what her reputation was by having her interact with other characters in a slutty way.
Gloria leaned forward from behind the bar, putting her fair cleavage on full display for all to see. She tossed her flaming red hair back over her shoulders and gave a naughty laugh in response to one young patrons advances. He just grinned a knowing grin.
I don't know if you can see the difference or not, but what I'm trying to say is to not "Tell" but "Show" the reader the details about the characters you want to emphasize.
My next complaint was with voice. Maureen was supposed to be an Irish girl, but her "voice" was much more English than Irish. To me this detracted from the story, mostly because I love the Irish lilt. I find it hard to write, but I love it when it is done well.
Still overall it was a good story. If you can find a way to show the reader the story you will be an excellent writer. Keep up trying. I look forward to seeing your next submission.
BigTexan
First off, everything I say is just my opinion.
Overall, this was a nice little erotic story. The main problem with it is that you "tell" everything and never real "show" the reader.
An example:
Behind the bar stood Gloria. My name is Maureen and all three of us had been through school together. Gloria's Dad was the landlord and Gloria herself had always had a reputation of being a slutty girl!
This is a clear "tell" paragraph. It would have been much better if you could have shown us how slutty Gloria was and what her reputation was by having her interact with other characters in a slutty way.
Gloria leaned forward from behind the bar, putting her fair cleavage on full display for all to see. She tossed her flaming red hair back over her shoulders and gave a naughty laugh in response to one young patrons advances. He just grinned a knowing grin.
I don't know if you can see the difference or not, but what I'm trying to say is to not "Tell" but "Show" the reader the details about the characters you want to emphasize.
My next complaint was with voice. Maureen was supposed to be an Irish girl, but her "voice" was much more English than Irish. To me this detracted from the story, mostly because I love the Irish lilt. I find it hard to write, but I love it when it is done well.
Still overall it was a good story. If you can find a way to show the reader the story you will be an excellent writer. Keep up trying. I look forward to seeing your next submission.
BigTexan
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Hi phantome,
Your story and I share the same last name! Isn't that great?
On to serious things... after all, we are supposed to be serious here.
"I did warn you she said mysteriously. "Warn us about what" I asked with a tinge of anxiety which induced a certain amount of sexual arousal in my panties!
This paragraph needs to be separated where the 'I' character starts speaking. Rule is - one speaker per paragrpaph, so that your readers don't get confused. You're also missing double quotes on one piece of dialogue and the puntuation isn't quite right. For a crash course on dialogue, see How To Make Characters Talk.
Remembering the dark hints that Gloria kept dropping I was feeling...
should be : 'Remembering the dark hints that Gloria kept dropping, I was feeling...'
What a cheek...
I think the correct expression is 'What cheek' with no 'a', but I'm not sure. The sentence you have looks like you're admiring his cheek - the physical one!
Gloria was held fast...
...
...once again frog-marched upstairs.
In this extract, you don't seem to know what's happening, or maybe I got it wrong. Gloria runs upstairs and the events there are described by 'I' - who is still downstairs - and then she's brought downstairs again. Then she's taken upstairs because she says she doesn't want to go. Too much movement, and not enough reason for it.
...caught site of...
Definitely the wrong site! It should be spelled 'sight'.
Gloria, the cause of...
...
arrived at the scene to find both of us with our hands tied behind our backs.
Where did Gloria arrive from? I had the impression that she was in the same room all the time.
I found the introduction of Jennifer too sudden and I don't really know why she's been included in the story.
They clapped and we all laughed.
Clapping!!??? It reminded me of a small boys birthday party. Didn't like.
I liked the idea in the story but felt that with a little more work, you can write it much better than it already is. Keep writing.
Your story and I share the same last name! Isn't that great?
On to serious things... after all, we are supposed to be serious here.
"I did warn you she said mysteriously. "Warn us about what" I asked with a tinge of anxiety which induced a certain amount of sexual arousal in my panties!
This paragraph needs to be separated where the 'I' character starts speaking. Rule is - one speaker per paragrpaph, so that your readers don't get confused. You're also missing double quotes on one piece of dialogue and the puntuation isn't quite right. For a crash course on dialogue, see How To Make Characters Talk.
Remembering the dark hints that Gloria kept dropping I was feeling...
should be : 'Remembering the dark hints that Gloria kept dropping, I was feeling...'
What a cheek...
I think the correct expression is 'What cheek' with no 'a', but I'm not sure. The sentence you have looks like you're admiring his cheek - the physical one!
Gloria was held fast...
...
...once again frog-marched upstairs.
In this extract, you don't seem to know what's happening, or maybe I got it wrong. Gloria runs upstairs and the events there are described by 'I' - who is still downstairs - and then she's brought downstairs again. Then she's taken upstairs because she says she doesn't want to go. Too much movement, and not enough reason for it.
...caught site of...
Definitely the wrong site! It should be spelled 'sight'.
Gloria, the cause of...
...
arrived at the scene to find both of us with our hands tied behind our backs.
Where did Gloria arrive from? I had the impression that she was in the same room all the time.
I found the introduction of Jennifer too sudden and I don't really know why she's been included in the story.
They clapped and we all laughed.
Clapping!!???
It reminded me of a small boys birthday party. Didn't like. I liked the idea in the story but felt that with a little more work, you can write it much better than it already is. Keep writing.
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