Whispers In The Sand (one of my original works)

[nicebuns]

It seemed like a dream
One special night
We were together
And it felt so right


The wind and the water
And the stars above
Right then and there
I felt so much love


In our own little world
Not a soul around
Such peace and tranquility
I was so glad we’d found


Lying in the warm sand
So close to you
Just talking and laughing
Was a dream come true


The soothing ocean wind
Along with your touch
Made me feel complete
You’ll never know how much


And in your eyes
Was the most beautiful sunset
A window to your soul
Something I’ll never forget


I’ll always treasure
When we were hand in hand
And always remember
Our whispers in the sand

author and written by nicebuns. This poem is copyrighted at WWW.poetry.com

Well, I'm just looking for some feedback here. Do any of you think this is good? I love romantic poetry, and I'm eager to see everyone elses here too!

 

[AChild]

Break my finger if you love me. Pull my hair. Lock me in a room and starve me off from everything save your affection. Feed me love in ice cream scoops like lard. Just don't ever call it romantic let it be romantic.

You poem is nice but I like a little teeth in my cereal. If you know what I mean. My eyes keep slipping off your stanzas.

 

[Liar]

First of all, Hi and welcome to the forum.

Ok, so some feedback. Here we go...

Your poem is simple and sweet, in a sing-along kind of way. And charming in it's own right. But my advise to you is the same that I seem to often give to poets coming here seeking feedback.

First of all, look at the phrases you have written and ask yourself, are they maybe overused? have I seen them myself a hundred times before? Is there an alternative way to say what I ewant to say? One that maybe feels more original? I'm not saying that common phrases and expressions are bad, but a reader needs something to remember the poem by, something that stands out a little.

That aside, it's a nice little decaration about what you feel. But that's it. It doesn't make me, the reader, feel anything. Because all you do is tell me that you feel loved, that you feel complete and so on. Good for you. But how am I supposed to relate to that and feel with you? I suggest you try to find something more tanglible to show me, a thing that I can connect to instead of just reporting (but with flowery words) how happy you are.

What happens to stuff around you when in love? What kind of things do you notice that you wouldn't otherwise?

Experiment, that's the way to grow as a poet try saying what you just said, but in a completely different way, and see what happens.

 

[champagne1982]

Welcome to the Poetry Discussion and Feedback forum, nicebuns.

You have a very simply structured and schemed poem here. You tell a nice story about a moment on a beach. Perhaps you can lift your narrative into a different state by stopping the tell and beginning the show. Most readers can say that they've experienced those moments but won't get excited over the way you bring us your story.

Give us something tangible in your experience. Was this on an ocean shore? Did you hear the waves and the wind, taste the salt in a kiss shared with your love, see the way the stars reach down and touch the night, just out of reach of your fingertips?

Even if you keep your language simplistic you will find your poems more of an experience your audience can relate to more closely.

Keep writing please. It's wonderful of you to share like this and I hope your association here will help everyone enjoy the event of your poetry and growth.