while I'm not him

[paulinsomerset]

while I am not PAUL C I thought I'd take the opportunity to post the odd poem from years ago when the earth was young. From my days as the administrator of a Nursing and Rest home.

Mollie.


Sitting in her chair Mollie runs her fingers through her hair.
People passing by must pity her for all she ever does is stare.


His body pressed to mine.
His hardness deep inside.
His movements, his sighs.
The wonderful light in his eyes.

No man had ever kissed a woman as he did.
No woman had ever been touched as he did.
No two people had ever been joined as we did.
No couple had ever reached the heights that we did.

Sitting in her chair Mollie runs her fingers through her hair.
People passing by must pity her for all she ever does is stare

 

[WickedEve]

while I am not PAUL C

???

Well, hi to you, not-paul-c.

Is this part what Mollie's thinking?
His body pressed to mine.
His hardness deep inside.
His movements, his sighs.
The wonderful light in his eyes.

 

[PAUL C]

yes

top and tail is what you see. In the middle is what she feels.

I'm back.

 

[PAUL C]

first posted

Mollie was first posted 12 July 2001.

 

[Angeline]

top and tail is what you see. In the middle is what she feels.

I'm back.

Hiya Paul. Nice to C you again.

I think you should put that second strophe in italics, like Eve did, so your readers can better distinguish between Mollie's voice and the narrator's.

 

[foehn2]

It's not poetry construction zone, I don't reckon, but this line bothered me and jumped out:

"No woman had ever been touched as he did."

That is an immediate grammatical error, in my slightly under-developed mind.

*tries to wave at WickedEve (and everyone else, lovely Angeline included)*

 

[WickedEve]

It's not poetry construction zone, I don't reckon, but this line bothered me and jumped out:

"No woman had ever been touched as he did."

That is an immediate grammatical error, in my slightly under-developed mind.

*tries to wave at WickedEve (and everyone else, lovely Angeline included)*

Hi! Didn't I get an email from you? If so, sorry I haven't answered. I'm such a silly head. I'm a very forgetful creature.

 

[Angeline]

It's not poetry construction zone, I don't reckon, but this line bothered me and jumped out:

"No woman had ever been touched as he did."

That is an immediate grammatical error, in my slightly under-developed mind.

*tries to wave at WickedEve (and everyone else, lovely Angeline included)*

Hi back atcha.

You're right: there's something weird going on with pronoun reference. It should be something like "No man ever touched her as he did" or "No woman had ever been touched this way."

 

[foehn2]

Hi! Didn't I get an email from you? If so, sorry I haven't answered. I'm such a silly head. I'm a very forgetful creature.

Yes, I think, but you were probably busy, burying the dead squirrel. *smile* Oh, and you are by no means a silly-head.