Which sentence is better?

[AG31]

1. He moved his hand in slow circles and let his fingers slip under the waist band of Scott's swim trunks, just far enough in so that they drifted into the top of the cleft between his buttocks as he stroked across.

2. He moved his hand in slow circles and let his fingers slip under the waist band of Scott's swim trunks, just far enough in so that they drifted into the top of the cleft as he stroked across.

The difference is the presence or absence of "between his buttocks."

 

[iwatchus]

I prefer the second.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

I'd choose the second. I think it gets the point across with fewer words for a reader to process, alongside all the other actions happening in the sentence.

 

[NuclearFairy]

I think "between his buttocks" is redundant in that sentence, and so the second one flows better.

 

[TheLobster]

I’d take the second and break it in two; it’s too long for my taste. Probably before the “just”.

But yes, number two.

 

[SimonDoom]

I prefer the first, because, IMO, without reference to "buttocks," "cleft" is too imprecise. Without "buttocks" you don't know whether the hand is in the front or the back. I personally think this should be clarified before the word "cleft" is used, OR "buttocks" should be used with "cleft" to make the positioning clear.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Second sentence for me too, it flows better. "Between the buttocks" is tad clunky for my eye. Never Mind the Bollocks, It's the Sex Pistols came to mind, which is not what you want from erotica.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

The entire sentence is too wordy for me.
I'd suggest two things change 'and let' to present participle, 'Letting.'
You can also use the implication that his hand is moving in small circles to adjust the last phrase to something like "as they drifted delicately across the very tip of the cleft he knew he'd find there." I'm making the assumption that the cleft is the goal here, not the buttocks.

He moved his hand in slow circles, letting his fingers slip under the waist band of Scott's swim trunks as they drifted delicately across the very tip of the cleft he knew he'd find there.

Obviously, this is just my opinion and your style will be different. I'm just offering suggestions I feel might help with what you're asking.

 

[Britva415]

If you aren’t going to say “buttocks,” I think you have to at least say where on the waistband that finger is. You’d have to say “the back of” it.

Otherwise it takes some unnecessary mental effort to figure out what the cleft is.

 

[ElectricBlue]

If you aren’t going to say “buttocks,” I think you have to at least say where on the waistband that finger is. You’d have to say “the back of” it.

Otherwise it takes some unnecessary mental effort to figure out what the cleft is.

Not really. Since when do blokes have a cleft at the front?

I think the issue here is, @AG31 didn't provide a road map .

 

[Britva415]

Not really. Since when do blokes have a cleft at the front?

I think the issue here is, @AG31 didn't provide a road map .

The issue is not expecting the word “cleft” at all.

And figuring out how it makes sense.

So if it’s between the two given sentences, the one which provides context for the word “cleft” is the one I’d recommend.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Either the cleft of his butt crack, or between his buttocks, but not both. Unless it's another sentence about his his feels when his hand gets further down.

I'd also have 'waistband' as one word.

 

[AG31]

Thanks to you all!!! I'm persuaded by the "second sentence" vote. I LOVE clarity. But also much thanks to the people who suggested ways to break up the sentence. I'd already decided to post another short request, based on the success of this thread, which asks for just those kinds of suggestions.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Thanks to you all!!! I'm persuaded by the "second sentence" vote. I LOVE clarity. But also much thanks to the people who suggested ways to break up the sentence. I'd already decided to post another short request, based on the success of this thread, which asks for just those kinds of suggestions.

Please show us what you decided.

 

[AG31]

Please show us what you decided.

The second sentence in my OP. Here it is again:

He moved his hand in slow circles and let his fingers slip under the waist band of Scott's swim trunks, just far enough in so that they drifted into the top of the cleft as he stroked across.

 

[AG31]

Please show us what you decided.

Oh, sorry. I realize now you were asking about the various suggested re-writes. As I said, I was thankful for the responses that went further, but it was more because I like talking about writing styles. I actually liked my sentence very much and didn't plan on changing it in other ways. It fits my more formal style.