Where is he??

[annayarnkitten]

Ok so 2 weeks ago I got back in contact with an old High School Friend. I chatted with him for 2 days and we exchanged cell numbers to text. I am married and my husband found out, throwing me out of the house. All we were doing at the time was talking. My husband also called his phone and told him (my friend ) that he could have his whore wife and our kids.
I was not able to talk to my friend until the next Monday. That is when things changed a lot, he told me that he had always cared for me and would like to try to pursue something further. I had been very unhappy in my marriage for a number of years (10). My husband had always been very verbally abusive to myself and our kids.
Anyways I left my husband. My friend and I had talked a great deal more and felt that we were both open to having a relationship. He got called to Louisiana for his job and is there 3 weeks.
Here is the part I am not understanding. We have not talked or texted for almost a week now. I have called and sent email to him, with no answer, Is he scared off? or just busy. I am freaking out. He promised he would try to come home for the 4th weekend. So what the hell am I to do?

thanks
A

 

[SweetErika]

Does jumping into a relationship when you're in the process of ending an abusive marriage that you've been terribly unhappy with for a decade, especially when there are kids involved, really seem wise to you?

If it does, I'd suggest taking some (well, A LOT of, really!) time to cool off and get yourself in order. If nothing else, do it for your kids and/or because any relationship you get into too soon will be unlikely to work long-term. Breakups have a funny way of clouding our vision, and it sounds like you need to evaluate why you stayed in an abusive relationship for so long and heal from that. You deserve to give yourself that time and effort, and your kids definitely deserve it as well. If you work hard, hopefully you'll be ready for a healthier relationship in a year or two.

There's nothing wrong with being friends with this other guy, but keep it platonic for now.

 

[infinity706]

Does jumping into a relationship when you're in the process of ending an abusive marriage that you've been terribly unhappy with for a decade, especially when there are kids involved, really seem wise to you?

If it does, I'd suggest taking some (well, A LOT of, really!) time to cool off and get yourself in order. If nothing else, do it for your kids and/or because any relationship you get into too soon will be unlikely to work long-term. Breakups have a funny way of clouding our vision, and it sounds like you need to evaluate why you stayed in an abusive relationship for so long and heal from that. You deserve to give yourself that time and effort, and your kids definitely deserve it as well. If you work hard, hopefully you'll be ready for a healthier relationship in a year or two.

There's nothing wrong with being friends with this other guy, but keep it platonic for now.

Agreed 100%

 

[Eilan]

I agree with everything Erika said. If he's cared for you all these years, then surely he can wait a little longer for you to get your life together.

Here is the part I am not understanding. We have not talked or texted for almost a week now. I have called and sent email to him, with no answer, Is he scared off? or just busy. I am freaking out. He promised he would try to come home for the 4th weekend. So what the hell am I to do?

Is your friend, by any chance, married as well?

This is entirely anecdotal, so take it for what it's worth. . . .

Several years ago, someone I know fairly well started having an affair with a co-worker. They decided to leave their respective spouses and move in together. Once my acquaintance left her husband, the guy changed his mind and decided that he'd rather work on his marriage. If there's a moral to the story, I suppose it would be that sometimes, when shit gets real, people disappear.

Good luck.

 

[coastal-boy]

this story smells wrong to me. 10 to 1 says the "old" friend was more than just a friend and the husband knew this. Doesn't make what he did right, but there is more to this. Always is.

 

[mntcmn]

hmmmm

You've gotten some wise words. Here are a few more to consider. As an old man who has worked with abused folks, you need to realize that you are severely handicapped when it comes to decisions in life. My advice? Get some help in the form of a therapist, counselor, minister or priest, to help you figure out why you think so little of yourself you allow others to abuse you. The truth is, you learned a VERY unfortunate lesson as you were growing up. That lesson, in one form or another, is that you are (were) worthless and deserve disrespect. That was a LIE of the first order. Until you get some help or otherwise figure things out, you aver very likely to choose to allow another abuser into your life.
This is not your fault. You are lovable, worthwhile and deserve respect.
One other thing. Your children have learned the very same lesson you learned and unless you get help and get whole the pattern will likely be repeated. Don't allow that to happen.
M

 

[mentionME]

I don't understand why you dug up this guy's number. Also, why did you not work on your marriage first?

Eh. Let me. Stick to the post. Wait and see if he comes this weekend. If so, have your thoughts collected and discuss. Find out where he is and let him know where you are. Best advice is listen to the previous posters and tell him you need to scale back. Not even so much for yourself, but for your kids because that new daddy new home transition is moving way to quick. It seems.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't understand why you dug up this guy's number. Also, why did you not work on your marriage first?

If one's unhappy in a relationship for a decade, there's probably nothing left to work on.

Did you miss the part where she said her husband was abusive to her and her kids? Are you suggesting it was her responsibility to stay and try to fix that?

 

[PhaonsBrother]

Turns out your husband was right about your fidelity. This other guy doesn't want your kids, he just wants to bone. Or, he's over that already and just wants to get out of the way of the grenade you've laid in front of him. Sorry, but jumping ship to ship is likely not going to work for you or your kids.

 

[Rayven101]

Speaking from experience and having left a very abusive relationship, right now you are in no way shape or form ready for another relationship. You need time to heal. I understand the need to feel as if someone loves you, wants you. Because I am guessing you have felt invisible for years. We all have that need to be loved. But hun, you have so much to work through BEFORE you can let anyone into your life or your kids. Your kids are the first priority, making sure they ok. What you need to do is make a plan, get your life back on track and forget about him right now.

Since your husband called him he may be a bit scared as well, because like it or not your ex will be tied to you for life through your children. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Sorry if this sounded rushed......I am at work but wanted to respond

Lots of great advice here

Rayven

 

[Black_Bunny]

It sounds to me like you made a wise decision in leaving your husband, well really he overreacted and threw you out didn't he? But while this other guy may have been the motivation you needed to het out of an unhealthy relationship, doesn't mean you should pursue a relationship with him. If he truly cares for you, he will be very understanding that you need to be only friends for now. Even if your heart wants more than friendship, listen to your head. You want to be the best, strongest woman you can be before you attach yourself to someone else, otherwise that relationship will fail painfully.

 

[annayarnkitten]

update 6-7

Well what a weekend. I got to go out with my girlfriends and dish. Turns out this guy tried the same thing with another woman we went to school with. Only he gave her the bit, I love strong independent women who can take care of themselves. blah blah blah. I still have not seen or heard from him. Oh well I am no cheating and have no plans of doing so. I am however continuing on working forward. I know I must for my kids and to teach them that this is unacceptable. As always my Lit family dispenses with the no hold advice...as did my friends.

love

a