Where do I find her?

[holywagon]

Fair advice. I've found most women sleep with me before then. Any suggestions to keep them from doing this? Not being an egomaniac, it's just my experience.

Love your FetLife pics. Ur hubby is one lucky fellow

Off topic and you can reply if & where u see fit obviously, but id loce to hear your answer. How do u find the balance between your family & "BDSM" life?

 

[thirty]

I'm looking for a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I had one & lost her. The next one will be my princess.

There is a similar Chinese saying: a perfect woman should be a noble lady in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a bitch in the bedroom.

It's not easy to find a qualified woman, good luck!

 

[SweetErika]

That's such a long process to find out what sort of sexual things they're into. Sadly, it's not something ppl talk about more freely. One of the other reasons I joined Lit.

Maybe you should look for women who talk about sexuality freely. I've found people like that on this site obviously, as well as certain personals and social networking sites, at events and groups that tend to attract sex-positive folks, and even in the health/healing community (massage therapists, my chiropractor and her assistant, etc.). You'll likely find many ladies with high EQs in these places in general, but they may not fit all of your other requirements to the letter.

I've never been to Halifax, and I can fully accept it could be a cultural thing, but I've never had trouble finding people who are willing to discuss sex openly. A big part of that is the fact that I seek out people with whom I have much in common and can communicate freely.

Maybe your real task is NOT comparing anyone to your ex, making a list of requirements, or looking for women who do QRSTUVWXYZ, but rather simply meeting people and letting connections evolve organically. After all, it's not like you have to spend months with someone to get a good idea of where they are on various spectra (and if you do, you probably need to ask far better questions and actually listen to everything in the response).

 

[bailadora]

Fair advice. I've found most women sleep with me before then. Any suggestions to keep them from doing this? Not being an egomaniac, it's just my experience.

How about not offering up sex as a possibility until you're sure this is someone you'd be compatible with? Honestly, how difficult is it to keep it in your pants?

Not trying to come across as bitchy, but really - the way you worded that put all the onus on the woman - as if you have no say in the matter.

 

[bailadora]

There is a similar Chinese saying: a perfect woman should be a noble lady in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a bitch in the bedroom.

It's not easy to find a qualified woman, good luck!

Makes me glad I'm not Chinese. It's one thing if a woman chooses to conform to the mold. But to have it as a cultural standard? Fuck that.

(I'm fully aware there is a huge cultural difference between the two countries. Still makes me glad I was born where I was! )

 

[satindesire]

Fair advice. I've found most women sleep with me before then. Any suggestions to keep them from doing this? Not being an egomaniac, it's just my experience.

If you don't want to sleep with them too early and risk fucking someone you end up not being all that interested in, which is a very noble goal I might add, you need to realize that YOU have a choice in whether or not to sleep with someone and you can actually choose to not go forward if she makes sexual advances on you. If she starts making advances, make sure you tell her AND yourself that you're looking to take the relationship slowly and make sure that you two are compatible before sleeping together. Then I suggest extracting yourself from that situation by leaving so that there's no awkward "OMG I just tried to seduce him and he rejected me!" feeling. If that does happen, be sure to reassure her that you're not "freaking out" or rejecting her because you're not attracted to her, you're just not ready to sleep with her because you don't know her well enough to be that vulnerable with her.

I suggest making sure that you two are doing "public" dates until you're well into the relationship. Often times I've noticed that the minute the date gets held at one of the partner's homes, that's when it turns to sex. Take her out for dates until you two have been seeing each other for a while, you'll be less inclined to be intimate if you're in public.

Love your FetLife pics. Ur hubby is one lucky fellow

Thank you. Although I think I'm the lucky one, really.

Off topic and you can reply if & where u see fit obviously, but id loce to hear your answer. How do u find the balance between your family & "BDSM" life?

My husband and I have a 24/7 relationship. Meaning I am not a "bedroom submissive" or a bottom, I submit to him in all ways in all things. So, I don't really know what you mean when you say "balance" because everything I do is always completely tailored to please him and make him happy.

Can you clarify your question? I might be able to help you understand better if I knew exactly what you meant.

 

[holywagon]

Maybe you should look for women who talk about sexuality freely. I've found people like that on this site obviously, as well as certain personals and social networking sites, at events and groups that tend to attract sex-positive folks, and even in the health/healing community (massage therapists, my chiropractor and her assistant, etc.). You'll likely find many ladies with high EQs in these places in general, but they may not fit all of your other requirements to the letter.

I've never been to Halifax, and I can fully accept it could be a cultural thing, but I've never had trouble finding people who are willing to discuss sex openly. A big part of that is the fact that I seek out people with whom I have much in common and can communicate freely.

Maybe your real task is NOT comparing anyone to your ex, making a list of requirements, or looking for women who do QRSTUVWXYZ, but rather simply meeting people and letting connections evolve organically. After all, it's not like you have to spend months with someone to get a good idea of where they are on various spectra (and if you do, you probably need to ask far better questions and actually listen to everything in the response).

Good advice. I'm going to start looking in those places.

Oh ok. I guess I'm just used to talking about sex I never really thought that it was a taboo topic.

Ya, that's gonna be really difficult. I get hung up on women who have everything I want pretty bad. I'm gonna try the friends thing first though although I've fallen into that "just a friend" trap on many occasions. I never know what to ask. It always feel like I'm interrogating the poor women.

How about not offering up sex as a possibility until you're sure this is someone you'd be compatible with? Honestly, how difficult is it to keep it in your pants?

Not trying to come across as bitchy, but really - the way you worded that put all the onus on the woman - as if you have no say in the matter.

Can be tricky. I really love sex and if it's a sure thing it can be tough to turn down if I don't have a solid reason and it's been a long time.

Touche. I'm gonna start taking a hard line on the friends thing until I know more. I'm really sick & tired of causing pain and being hurt.

If you don't want to sleep with them too early and risk fucking someone you end up not being all that interested in, which is a very noble goal I might add, you need to realize that YOU have a choice in whether or not to sleep with someone and you can actually choose to not go forward if she makes sexual advances on you. If she starts making advances, make sure you tell her AND yourself that you're looking to take the relationship slowly and make sure that you two are compatible before sleeping together. Then I suggest extracting yourself from that situation by leaving so that there's no awkward "OMG I just tried to seduce him and he rejected me!" feeling. If that does happen, be sure to reassure her that you're not "freaking out" or rejecting her because you're not attracted to her, you're just not ready to sleep with her because you don't know her well enough to be that vulnerable with her.

I suggest making sure that you two are doing "public" dates until you're well into the relationship. Often times I've noticed that the minute the date gets held at one of the partner's homes, that's when it turns to sex. Take her out for dates until you two have been seeing each other for a while, you'll be less inclined to be intimate if you're in public.




Thank you. Although I think I'm the lucky one, really.



My husband and I have a 24/7 relationship. Meaning I am not a "bedroom submissive" or a bottom, I submit to him in all ways in all things. So, I don't really know what you mean when you say "balance" because everything I do is always completely tailored to please him and make him happy.

Can you clarify your question? I might be able to help you understand better if I knew exactly what you meant.

Excellent idea! You have such fantastic ideas. I see myself picking your brain more. I really hope you don't mind.

I have no doubt he feels the same way.

Interesting. So, submitting in what way? Like he just tells you what to do all the time? You have no say? You where leather all the time and never leave the house? Sorry, all this is REALLY new to me. Is there a place for me read about this stuff? I hate asking so many questions. There's so many terms, positions and different things I've never heard of on FetLife. I thought I was fairly well versed, but I feel like such a n00b. In "meat life" (love that term btw) I'm usually the one educating people. Let my education begin again I guess lol.

Sorry again for the long message, but I got wrapped yesterday. Thanks again for all your guys help and advice. It helps a lot and gives me things to think about. Keeps my mind off her too :-(

 

[Licia]

The other posters, I think, are bringing up eloquent points. Another point of the spectrum to which I would add: a girl who knows what she wants and understands what she's looking for will not necessarily be inclined to sleep with you before she trusts YOU. The guy who was willing to wait for ME to be ready was the one I married. Men who are only interested in getting into your pants fade away.

 

[holywagon]

I'm sorry to say I've never met one of those. Much to my chagrin at this point, but I'll keep on looking as I don't really have a choice sadly.

 

[satindesire]

Excellent idea! You have such fantastic ideas. I see myself picking your brain more. I really hope you don't mind.

No, I don't mind. I specifically come here to this site to help people such as yourself.

Interesting. So, submitting in what way? Like he just tells you what to do all the time?

If I need to be told, then yes. I don't usually need to be told to do a specific thing unless he needs a specific thing. We've been together for almost six years so in that time I've learned how and when to do most of the things he needs and wants done. I think however, you've got a twisted idea of what D/s is due to being exposed to negative or "glamorized" visions of it through the media.

Our relationship is like this. I usually take on most of the domestic responsibilities, i.e. cooking, cleaning, childcare. He works outside the home to pay the bills. I wait on him when he's at home. When he's hungry, I feed him. When he's horny, I give him whatever sex he wants. I care for him in any way I can, in whatever way he wants me to. If that means he wants me to walk to the grocery store and pick up strawberries and whipped cream so he can eat them off my ass, then I'll do it. But most of the time it's completely mundane everyday things that isn't sexual or fantasy-like at all. I submit when he tells me "Hey, can you go get the mail for me?" or when he says "Suck me off!"

You have no say?

I'm a submissive, not a robot. I absolutely have a say, an opinion, and he values my ability to share my opinion and desires in a respectful and thoughtful way. He ultimately makes the choices, but he always listens to my thoughts because he knows I'm an intelligent woman with experiences that are valuable to him. What makes him a good Dom in my eyes is the fact that he uses all of his tools in a way that improves our lives the most. One of his most important tools is his wife, and he uses my insight and intellect and opinions in a way that is best for us all.

You where leather all the time and never leave the house?

Again, the twisted perspective of what D/s relationships are like. I am the primary caretaker of my elderly, disables parents and two daughters under the age of two, so I can't afford to mince around the house in lingerie and six inch heels. Most of the time, I wear completely normal looking clothes that anyone else would wear. Of course, I think I'm particularly stylish and well dressed, but that's just MY opinion.

Anyway...I've never worn leather in my life and probably never will, since it's cruel to animals for one, and two, I have to leave the house in order to take care of our family. Now, he DOES help me shop for clothes and I don't have anything in my closet that he doesn't like, but he does NOT micromanage me. No one can micromanage someone for very long before it gets to be too overwhelming. I leave the house to do whatever needs to be done, domestically. I ask for permission to leave for "luxury" reasons, like going out with friends, etc.

I know what our guidelines are, what he wants and likes, and I follow them with my own choices.

Think of a BDSM relationship like...like a haiku. A haiku is a very strict form of poetry, yes? But within that strict form, you are able to say...well...whatever you want to express, whatever you wish. Within my boundaries I have absolute freedom.

I hope that makes sense to you.

Sorry, all this is REALLY new to me. Is there a place for me read about this stuff? I hate asking so many questions. There's so many terms, positions and different things I've never heard of on FetLife. I thought I was fairly well versed, but I feel like such a n00b. In "meat life" (love that term btw) I'm usually the one educating people. Let my education begin again I guess lol.

I am here to educate. I came here to learn many years ago, and I stayed to learn and to teach. So I'm more than happy to share my own knowledge and experiences with anyone with an open ear.

The folks out there who regularly read my posts...they're going to roll their eyes right now, because I do this all the time and I'm sorry guys, that I'm being so repetitive.

But here it is again.

I'm going to suggest that you visit Amazon.com and pick up two books and read them both several times. "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book". I recommend those books all the time to people who are new to BDSM and want to learn not a "how to" but a "why for". Those books will explain why Tops are Tops and why Bottoms are Bottoms and why they need each other.

Some things that you need to understand about BDSM is the fact that being "kinky" doesn't make you suddenly, magically, less or more than human. The variety in BDSM relationships are as vast as "vanilla" relationships, and there are very few things that we can as a community say are "right" or "wrong". Basically, BDSM relationships all comes down to one single, shining thing that separates what we do from abuse...

CONSENT.

If a man takes a belt to his wife and beats her black and blue across the back and thighs, that's wrong.

Unless she consents to it. Maybe she gets off on the pain, maybe he enjoys giving her pain. The difference between it being okay and it being not okay is whether or not both of them are saying "yes" to it.

Not all BDSM relationships involve pain, or leather, or needles, or threesomes. Every relationship is different because every person involved is different, and that's GOOD. So, when I tell you about MY relationship with MY husband, you should not model what I say about my relationship as what "real" BDSM is or should be.

The beauty of BDSM is in it's variety and the different likes and fetishes and kinks of the people involved. Again, with the haiku metaphor...within it's boundaries lies extreme freedom.

 

[fire_breeze]

<snip>

Think of a BDSM relationship like...like a haiku. A haiku is a very strict form of poetry, yes? But within that strict form, you are able to say...well...whatever you want to express, whatever you wish. Within my boundaries I have absolute freedom.

<snip>

The beauty of BDSM is in it's variety and the different likes and fetishes and kinks of the people involved. Again, with the haiku metaphor...within it's boundaries lies extreme freedom.

What an exquisite way of describing the relationship

And I hope that the wondrous Satin won't mind a quiet butt-in with a different analogy along the beautiful haiku metaphor.

I believe it was VelvetDarkness who once described a BDSM relationship like a captain and its first mate/officer. A captain has the final say what goes on the ship, but the first mate/officer has complete freedom within his/her assigned role. Each has their own set of duties, and often the first mate/officer has free reign to do a lot on the ship, up to and including making some decisions. If the first officer needs to voice an opinion then s/he will, and a good captain will listen, evaluate and often base his/her final decision on what the first mate said. However, the final decision will rest on the captain.

I mean, let's make this scientific, shall we? Look at Picard and Riker in ST: TNG. Riker will voice his opinions, will give his insight - in fact, Picard often asks for his number one's suggestions. However, there are times when Picard will put his foot down and say whatever. The Enterprise (i.e. the relationship) is Picard's responsibility (i.e. the Dominant) and Riker (i.e. the submissive) will do whatever he can to facilitate Picard's job.

Again, didn't mean to butt in, but I couldn't resist . Just another way of looking at it, I suppose.... bah!

*withdraws into the murky world of observations and lurking and non-answer answers*

 

[bailadora]

Can be tricky. I really love sex and if it's a sure thing it can be tough to turn down if I don't have a solid reason and it's been a long time.

Touche. I'm gonna start taking a hard line on the friends thing until I know more. I'm really sick & tired of causing pain and being hurt.

Not wanting to cause someone else pain or wanting to avoid being the recipient of it yourself seems like a pretty solid reason to me.

If there's someone you feel an attraction for and she's indicating an willingness to hop in the sack, just be honest with her and say pretty much what you did here. Unless the woman in question is looking for a sport fuck, I'm pretty sure she's going to respect and understand your reasoning. Sincerity means a lot.