Where are you Sir?

[Angeleyes355]

......

 

[91Ranger]

My wife has been my sub before we got married. It was her idea to call me Sir. That was 27 years ago. In that time we grew close and she loves me now more today than back then. She has grown into a great little slut and has embraced her life style to the fullest.

 

[Angeleyes355]

My wife has been my sub before we got married. It was her idea to call me Sir. That was 27 years ago. In that time we grew close and she loves me now more today than back then. She has grown into a great little slut and has embraced her life style to the fullest.

Sounds like you struck it lucky

 

[Ashesh9]

Sounds like you struck it lucky

Sure did!!!!

 

[91Ranger]

Sure did!!!!

Yes I did. However it was a lot of hard work to get her to this point. The fact that she was willing from the start and she trust me made the whole lifestyle work for her.

 

[Primalex]

If you read an ad here on lit, what stood out and said "I have to have her"?

I'm good when the sentence ends with a punctuation mark instead of lol.

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

Great question that has prompted some definite introspection....as always I can only speak for myself. As any relationship, there has to be the basic chemistry and compatibility on multiple levels to go the distance. I view my role as a Dom to be as much a mentor and coach as an authority figure and sexual partner. I use my power to help my pets expand their comfort zones, find their "hot" spots, and grow in sexual awareness and confidence at the same time.

Qualities I find most attractive in my pets and potential pets:
1. Submissiveness without neediness, and strength when necessary.
2. Intelligence
3. Openness to exploration
4. An innocent, untapped lust and desire to find her maximum pleasure
5. That "je ne sais quois" that stirs my mind and my cock.

Each relationship is different as is each Dom, but I hope this gives you an idea of what I look for and offer.

 

[AnnieLit]

Qualities I find most attractive in my pets and potential pets:
1. Submissiveness without neediness, and strength when necessary.

Is that even possible? If she does not need to feed her submissive side, then why is she here, why would she want to talk to you?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I’m clearly not a Daddy/Dom, and I’m taken, yet, I’m going to answer.

I love looking at the Personals. I’m nosy.

What stands out to me is humor. Smart humor.

What I don’t like are men and women who don’t want to go to the threads and interact. This is a message board. Talk to each other. Someone who has 3 posts and they are all Personals is not anyone I’m interested in.

Same 100%

I read those clever personals and hope the best for those folks. So many of the ads are just cringeworthy.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Qualities I find most attractive in my pets and potential pets:
1. Submissiveness without neediness, and strength when necessary.

Is that even possible? If she does not need to feed her submissive side, then why is she here, why would she want to talk to you?

I used to think that being submissive and needy were related and while they can be I find that I'm much better as a submissive when I handle my own neediness and find my own strength. If I can take care of myself, then I can let go of what I need to focus on someone else's. I don't like myself when I'm needy. It's annoying to me because I feel that it makes me weak and really focus on my less attractive qualities rather than what I can offer someone. Of course I ultimately want to be with someone that brings out my best but I also have the responsibility to bring out my best too. I would hope to find someone that complements that. We are all human and have weak moments though. I would be wary of someone that didn't have weaker moments and were not willing to share them with me. I think there is a difference between having a weak moment and being needy though. Having a weak moment that you acknowledge and are working to remedy on your own shows strength of character. Of course, you can seek others help to get through the weak moments. Ultimately you are your own responsibility. You have to communicate those times and others.

This line of thought makes me wonder what defines neediness for others. I know for me I get whiny and that connection to being needy is what makes it more negative in my mind though. At the same time I guess there can be a neediness that is not obnoxious but more a time when you just need help. It's still possible to go through those times with grace. Thank you for making me think about that.

 

[cookiecat]

Great question that has prompted some definite introspection....as always I can only speak for myself. As any relationship, there has to be the basic chemistry and compatibility on multiple levels to go the distance. I view my role as a Dom to be as much a mentor and coach as an authority figure and sexual partner. I use my power to help my pets expand their comfort zones, find their "hot" spots, and grow in sexual awareness and confidence at the same time.

Qualities I find most attractive in my pets and potential pets:
1. Submissiveness without neediness, and strength when necessary.
2. Intelligence
3. Openness to exploration
4. An innocent, untapped lust and desire to find her maximum pleasure
5. That "je ne sais quois" that stirs my mind and my cock.

Each relationship is different as is each Dom, but I hope this gives you an idea of what I look for and offer.

I dunno. That #4 chaps me. Maybe it's because I'm old? Cynical? Experienced? Lewd and tapped?

So often guys seem to look for the newbies. Of course, the strong, not-needy, smart newbies. Untapped and innocent. Like having bdsm or submissive experience is detrimental.

How many pets do you have??

 

[cookiecat]

I used to think that being submissive and needy were related and while they can be I find that I'm much better as a submissive when I handle my own neediness and find my own strength. If I can take care of myself, then I can let go of what I need to focus on someone else's. I don't like myself when I'm needy. It's annoying to me because I feel that it makes me weak and really focus on my less attractive qualities rather than what I can offer someone. Of course I ultimately want to be with someone that brings out my best but I also have the responsibility to bring out my best too. I would hope to find someone that complements that. We are all human and have weak moments though. I would be wary of someone that didn't have weaker moments and were not willing to share them with me. I think there is a difference between having a weak moment and being needy though. Having a weak moment that you acknowledge and are working to remedy on your own shows strength of character. Of course, you can seek others help to get through the weak moments. Ultimately you are your own responsibility. You have to communicate those times and others.

This line of thought makes me wonder what defines neediness for others. I know for me I get whiny and that connection to being needy is what makes it more negative in my mind though. At the same time I guess there can be a neediness that is not obnoxious but more a time when you just need help. It's still possible to go through those times with grace. Thank you for making me think about that.

I used to be attracted to D/s because I wanted someone to fix me. I couldn't get my own shit together so I looked for someone who wanted to do that for me. The thing is, who wants a broken, hot mess? Well. There are some guys who do want that. But I didn't feel good about myself in those moments.

I think you're right, ultramarineblue. Finding our own strength, feeling confident usually makes us better submissives. Better humans, I suppose. I like how you say that this sense of strength allows you to let go so you can focus on someone else.

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

Well said...

Ultramarineblue perfectly describes the difference I was going for in my original post. I'm attracted to a sub who wants to surrender all control in pursuit of expanding her boundaries and who gets maximum pleasure from doing so. Not one who needs a Dom to control every aspect of her life; this is my personal definition of "neediness".

As for my preference to "innocent, untapped, etc", well, the cynical responses to that comment reinforce my preference. I love the thrill of exploration and watching a sub experience the pleasure of a previously unknown aspect of her sexual persona. I believe in monogamous Dom/sub relationships and loved all the explorations I did with the 4 women I've been Dom to.

It's always disappointing to find trolls in a relatively open community like Lit. Rather than celebrate our different preferences and experiences, there always seems to be at least 1 curmudgeon who has to attack in a weak attempt to feel better about themselves.

I used to think that being submissive and needy were related and while they can be I find that I'm much better as a submissive when I handle my own neediness and find my own strength. If I can take care of myself, then I can let go of what I need to focus on someone else's. I don't like myself when I'm needy. It's annoying to me because I feel that it makes me weak and really focus on my less attractive qualities rather than what I can offer someone. Of course I ultimately want to be with someone that brings out my best but I also have the responsibility to bring out my best too. I would hope to find someone that complements that. We are all human and have weak moments though. I would be wary of someone that didn't have weaker moments and were not willing to share them with me. I think there is a difference between having a weak moment and being needy though. Having a weak moment that you acknowledge and are working to remedy on your own shows strength of character. Of course, you can seek others help to get through the weak moments. Ultimately you are your own responsibility. You have to communicate those times and others.

This line of thought makes me wonder what defines neediness for others. I know for me I get whiny and that connection to being needy is what makes it more negative in my mind though. At the same time I guess there can be a neediness that is not obnoxious but more a time when you just need help. It's still possible to go through those times with grace. Thank you for making me think about that.

 

[AnnieLit]

. Not one who needs a Dom to control every aspect of her life; this is my personal definition of "neediness" .

Oh, I see. Are there people who really want to give control of their WHOLE life to a stranger they have never even met?

To me "neediness" is a chance to cry about everyday troubles on the Dom's shoulder. I don't expect him to fix anything, in most cases I don't even need him to come up with
ways for me to fix things, just a friendly shoulder for ANY topic, not only sex/kink related. Listen, be somewhat interested in what's going on, ask for details. Basically, the ideal "how was your day?" dinner time conversation where you actually do talk about how was your day, not just give a fine/good/shitty as a non-answer.

Can I give my submission without all that? In RL yes, but not for long. Online it's a no. If there is no real touch, it has to be compensated by something and emotional closeness seems to be the only available option.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I used to be attracted to D/s because I wanted someone to fix me. I couldn't get my own shit together so I looked for someone who wanted to do that for me. The thing is, who wants a broken, hot mess? Well. There are some guys who do want that. But I didn't feel good about myself in those moments.

I think you're right, ultramarineblue. Finding our own strength, feeling confident usually makes us better submissives. Better humans, I suppose. I like how you say that this sense of strength allows you to let go so you can focus on someone else.

I find it so interesting to examine the reasons we explore BDSM. I think my start had a little bit to do with “please fix me,” but overwhelmingly I think I was looking for permission to be “bad,” if that makes sense. I do love how it developed over the years, through, and I find myself in a wonderful long-term relationship with someone very down for very similar play. It took a while to get here, though, that’s for sure.

 

[Mei5ter]

I’m clearly not a Daddy/Dom, and I’m taken, yet, I’m going to answer.

I love looking at the Personals. I’m nosy.

What stands out to me is humor. Smart humor.

What I don’t like are men and women who don’t want to go to the threads and interact. This is a message board. Talk to each other. Someone who has 3 posts and they are all Personals is not anyone I’m interested in.

Fara, don't faint, but I agree with just about all of what you've said.

I know some find the PG a bit silly, and there are some threads there which I just don't get. But it's a place where people interact, and you can learn a surprising amount about people from how they behave there.

D/S relationships, including online LDRs, take time. I suspect that anyone who is serious about investing that time will want some reassurance that their partner isn't going to vanish from Lit after a couple of days. I'm not looking, but I wouldn't even think about responding to a personal from someone who's been on Lit for two days and only has two posts to their name.

Good luck in your search.

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

The fact that your first reaction was to assume I'm predatory tells me all I need to know about you and your views, and I'm extremely offended by your immediate assumption given no evidence to the contrary. You've clearly had some bad experiences and your pessimism is why I prefer to engage with women who are open to exploration.

You have no right to call my comments on trolls in this board "way off base", given that I was responding to a totally uncalled for attack on my response. A response I might add, to a question on my personal preferences when looking for a potential sub. You clearly didn't read my other attributes where I emphasized a desire to explore and help my subs grow in their own sexual confidence. In no way is that "predatory".

I strongly suggest you shelve your uninformed opinions until you find a way to view others' opinions as they're stated, without prejudice or bias. Don't even dare to attempt to cloak your own cynicism in the desire to "look out for our own" because it's obvious you're just reacting to your own bad experiences.

Your last paragraph is way off base.

Your first list, number 4? You sounded a bit predatory. All of us subs were “untapped” at some point, and many of those who did try to “tap” us were often trying to take advantage of that.
Surely, you can see that.

We look out for our own. I don’t call that cynical.

 

[cookiecat]

Ultramarineblue perfectly describes the difference I was going for in my original post. I'm attracted to a sub who wants to surrender all control in pursuit of expanding her boundaries and who gets maximum pleasure from doing so. Not one who needs a Dom to control every aspect of her life; this is my personal definition of "neediness".

As for my preference to "innocent, untapped, etc", well, the cynical responses to that comment reinforce my preference. I love the thrill of exploration and watching a sub experience the pleasure of a previously unknown aspect of her sexual persona. I believe in monogamous Dom/sub relationships and loved all the explorations I did with the 4 women I've been Dom to.

It's always disappointing to find trolls in a relatively open community like Lit. Rather than celebrate our different preferences and experiences, there always seems to be at least 1 curmudgeon who has to attack in a weak attempt to feel better about themselves.

I'm an experienced, monogamous submissive. Not a troll. Perhaps a curmudgeon. I didn't attack. I questioned the words you used to describe yourself and your potential pets. I questioned the cliche I see time and time again of a Dom who says he has the "power" to help an innocent submissive find her hot spots.

Prefer away. You like what you like. Help those subs soar.

 

[cookiecat]

Oh, I see. Are there people who really want to give control of their WHOLE life to a stranger they have never even met?

To me "neediness" is a chance to cry about everyday troubles on the Dom's shoulder. I don't expect him to fix anything, in most cases I don't even need him to come up with
ways for me to fix things, just a friendly shoulder for ANY topic, not only sex/kink related. Listen, be somewhat interested in what's going on, ask for details. Basically, the ideal "how was your day?" dinner time conversation where you actually do talk about how was your day, not just give a fine/good/shitty as a non-answer.

Can I give my submission without all that? In RL yes, but not for long. Online it's a no. If there is no real touch, it has to be compensated by something and emotional closeness seems to be the only available option.

Sort of like any good relationship, D/s or otherwise?!

 

[cookiecat]

I find it so interesting to examine the reasons we explore BDSM. I think my start had a little bit to do with “please fix me,” but overwhelmingly I think I was looking for permission to be “bad,” if that makes sense. I do love how it developed over the years, through, and I find myself in a wonderful long-term relationship with someone very down for very similar play. It took a while to get here, though, that’s for sure.

The "make me" be bad thing is super true. That permission to do the shameful, fun, dirty things a "good girl" shouldn't do.

Yay for the long-term relationship! I firmly believe once we feel comfortable with ourselves, our kinks, it becomes easier to find someone, trust someone to have that safe space for a good D/s relationship.

 

[Acktion]

Curious as to what attracts a Master/Daddy/Dominant to his slave/sub/Little girl.

If you read an ad here on lit, what stood out and said "I have to have her"?

The journey of the dominant and submissive is both a physical and emotional rollercoaster, and us "Kittens" are delicate beings. It doesn’t come without its highs and lows, but when approached correctly, it can be the one thing that can teach you more about yourself than any other kind of relationship.

Submissive women are strong women, there’s no question about that! Ps HAPPY WOMENS MONTH TO ALL BEAUTIFUL STRONG LADIES!

Well, first off, I'm not looking. And, perhaps worse, I never have.

"Then why the fuck are you responding to a question about 'what are you looking for?'"

Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm not looking now. Nor have I for a very, very long time. Decades. But, for a reason that I think is pertinent to your question.

Ok, so am I the only one that used to get my tail in a knot way back when the old folks give me that sage dating advice "just be yourself?" I mean, come on! Who the hell else would I be if not me? The problem was, nobody wanted me!

And, yeah. Back in those days, I was looking. Every-fuckin-where.

And, I fucked up. Majorly. I thought I'd found... **cue angelic chorus***... The One. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. And for five years, I wasn't me. Not with her (although I certainly was with every other little kitten who dared climb my fence) as she bounced back and forth between me and another guy like a ping-pong ball.

Thankfully, she finally threw both of us over in favor of a third that she eventually married and seems to be happy all these decades later from the little I know. I know I was much happier, eventually. The other guy? What the fuck do I care?

And only a couple of months later, I found... **cue angelic chorus***... The One.

Again.

And being seven kinds of dumbass that was letting the little head do all the thinking, made the same fucking mistakes out the starting gate, changing what I was, who I was, so that she would stay. Which, she didn't. Eight times in just a few short months, she left me. Only to come "allow me back" three days later because I was preferable to being alone.

I woke the fuck up at that point. Maybe I'm not all that with a side of fries. But, I do deserve better than to be someone's consolation prize. Or someone's "'til something better comes along."

When she came back to try again, I was me. With bells on. Mostly.

Unfortunately "me" was apparently a real prick with a lot of anger and bitterness. Imagine the worst "Master" that you've ever heard of. Now, multiply that by about three. While I was not physically abusive, that is the only way I wasn't. And although I assuaged my conscience for years that she consented to everything I did... Did she really when her initial "no" only changed to "okay" when I brought out the only tool in my toolkit at the time and said, "so, we're over then, never to speak to each other ever again?"

***shrug*** I'm not proud of it. And the thing is... that wasn't the real me either, although I didn't know it at the time. Thankfully, after sixteen months as my slave, she retained enough of her soul to give me the ninth and final heave-ho. And I was stubborn enough that I did not allow her back when she came sniffing around for another chance two years later.

The combination of those two experiences fundamentally changed me.

While I was still very much a hunter, I no longer pursued but lay in wait instead. And, yeah, I'm aware that is very unusual for a dominant personality.

It just... For me, being the one to pursue felt like surrendering power. So, she gets all dolled up and then sits there on her barstool like it's a throne, and gets to pick and choose from among the throng of wolves baying at her heels? Meh... no thanks. I'm not her submissive to come belly crawling for a little attention. It's not on me to do tricks to try to impress her, but on her to prove she is more than just pretty window dressing and worthy of my attention.

And, yeah. Like I said, that is not the popular view. Even outside the realms of BDSM. Much less anything that most would recognize as Dominant behavior.

What can I say? It worked for me as a couple of years later... ***cue angelic chorus*** The One found me. Again.

***sigh*** I was... some better. I wasn't the windsock I'd been with my first "One." Nor was I angry and bitter like I'd been with my second "One."

The thing was... when we weren't fucking, we were fighting. And the only way we knew to stop fighting was to start fucking.

And it wasn't always clear just which was happening from moment to moment. But, as long as I could shut her up by pushing her to her knees and shoving my dick in her face (and she didn't bite it off), it was preferable to being alone.

Or so I thought at the time.

And then I sensed a change. Nothing felt the same. All my dreams were strange. Love came walking in.

Wasn't looking for her either. Quite the contrary. I was still engaged to my third soon to be ex-fiancee. And she was married to another man.

NOT proud of it. It just is what it is and was what it was. And what started as a nympho and satyr using each other to bleed the need our "Ones" couldn't (or wouldn't) turned into... something more.

Well, to keep a long story short... Well, crap. Too late. Alright to keep this from being even longer, I broke off my engagement (the only one ever I was the one who walked away), she left her husband, and we were married.

And the story is supposed to go "happily ever after. The End."

Oh, for two and a half decades, we were as happy as any could expect this side of a fairy tale with a heavy side of tail. But, then she died. And my happily ever after didn't last near long enough.

Oh, dry up. Them's the breaks. Everything that is born, dies. The important part is what happens in the middle. And I'm proud to say that I made some of her middle pretty damn good, and she made mine worth sticking around for.

I suppose I could have taken to a lead diet, munched on a bullet. However, she left me with a dog (that I take full responsibility for) and three cats (that were so not my fault). And I take responsibility seriously. Maybe if I could have found anyone I trusted to take care of them like I knew she would have wanted...

But, I'm still here, writing a whole ream of bullshit to piss off "TL;DR" types. So, obviously, I didn't.

And I'll be damned if another One didn't find me.

I wasn't looking for her either. What would have been the point? I'd already had my fairy tale, my happily ever after.

I held out for three days before allowing her to be a friend. Two weeks before I let myself fall into... something more. Just what, I don't know, as nine months later she repealed all of her consent and informed me that we'd never been what I'd thought I'd agreed to after all.

However, it was enough to re-awaken the old hunger. And I... Well, as I say, I didn't go looking. I just... baited my traps. And waited for a little kitten to fall in.

Several did. I'm ashamed to say I've quite lost count just how many I was (supposedly) an LDR Dom of one stripe or another for.

Easy come, easy go, I suppose. All of them left. Some after a few hours. Others after a few days or weeks. A few lasting a few months. All but one.

***snort*** Sorry. Just remembering a few that accused me of being the one that left. Sorry, no. My third ex-fiancee is still the only one that I left, revisionist history notwithstanding. A couple that claimed I wasn't a Dom. That isn't your call to make, dearie. Maybe I wasn't what you were looking for, Christian Grey stepping off the screen. But, not giving in to your every little whim does not make me "not a Dom." And a slew that got pissy when they left and then I wouldn't allow them back.

Someone mentioned "needy." I don't mind "needy." Actually, I'm the type that needs to be needed. But, then, work hard to help her get to the point she doesn't.

What can I say? I'm an onion. I have layers.

***shrug*** Actually, there are only three things that I absolutely require from anyone who is even just a friend. 1) No lies. And don't try to pretty it up by calling it "compartmentalization." If you say something that isn't true, then it's a lie. 2) Don't abandon me when I need you in return. 3) Don't lash out to hurt me. I'm not your emotional masochist. And don't ever, ever, ever lash out at me through lashing out at someone I care about.

Pretty much anything else, I have a proven track record of being able to work with.

Any road... I said all that to say, it's just one old Dom's opinion, and worth about what you are paying for it, but you are going about it the way wrong way.

First, stop looking for your Sir. I'm not saying don't be open and available for when it does happen. What I'm saying is that feeling sweeping you up that you need somebody and you need them right fucking now, damn it, will get you into trouble more often than not as you settle for something rather than having nothing.

Been there, done that, got the scars. Fortunately, in my case, one lone grain of wheat separated herself from the chaff to make my life a fairy tale once more. But, that driving need to just have somebody, anybody would do, made for a metric fuck ton of chaff to wait until it sorted itself out.

Don't try to turn "Mr. For-Right-Now" into "Mr. Right."

Second, fuck what anyone else is looking for. If it's you, fine. If it's not, drive on. Be yourself. Let the ones who can't accept who and what you are take a flying leap at a rolling stone. You may not be everyone's cup of tea. Most likely aren't. But, you will be the right One's whole meal deal.

Again, been there, done that, got the scars. Yeah, yeah. "But, you're a Dom! That's different!" I'm not just talking about me not being myself early on, but a whole slew of erstwhile submissives that I've worked with in some capacity or another. I don't, personally, do "windsocks" (pointing whichever way the wind blows).

Don't get me wrong, I've never played the "hard to get" game. Consent is my watchword. And "hard to get" flings clues of non-consent for me. Not interested. But, neither should she be easy for everyone. Hard for anyone else to get, but easy for me, is just perfect.

Third...

Ok, look. Lit is a party already going on. Read up on what people are saying in public. If someone seems interesting to you, then "post stalk" them. Click their name and look over their last two hundred posts. That will give you an approximate feel for who they are.

However, on the internet, no one knows that you are really a poodle named "Fluffy."

People do maintain a public persona that, sometimes, is very different from their private persona. I've been told that I'm a pretty odd rarity in that I don't have diddly squat left to hide. Hell, somewhere around here in a thread about "body image" I told the straight-up facts about being a hairy little runt with a short dick. I, personally, don't see any point to pretending to be something in public that I'm not in private. After all, if they did like what they saw, it wouldn't be me.

(Although... I've been informed, in no uncertain terms, that I way, way undersell myself by someone in a position to know.)

So... yeah. As someone has already said, post and interact publicly.

I would just add the proviso that once you do find someone appealing and want to move to private... Take. Your. Time.

Get to know the man (or woman) behind the curtain of The Great and Powerful Oz.

Your submission is your gift. Their Dominance is theirs. Neither of you should be in such an all-fired rush to exchange gifts with someone who isn't in a position to appreciate it. And I say that as someone who fell into a textbook Dom frenzy that nearly consumed me, rolling out of bed in front of the computer and "training" submissives from all around the world and looking for more and more and more in an effort to fill that tremendous raw aching need.

And, sure. I can see how you might could say that it's easy for me to say since I've got someone that keeps me pretty busy. Well, except for the odd rare times that she leaves me unsupervised and I hang my ass out for a paddling here.

But, more, what I was trying to impart was lessons that I picked up the hard way, the gravel I've picked out of road rash sitting beside this long and winding road I've been kicking my tin can down the side of for decades.

Best wishes for the sun out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday, angeleyes355. And in the meantime, take care of you and be good to you the way your True One will want you to. 'Cause at the end of the day, you are the only you there is. And they are probably looking for you, too.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I used to be attracted to D/s because I wanted someone to fix me. I couldn't get my own shit together so I looked for someone who wanted to do that for me. The thing is, who wants a broken, hot mess? Well. There are some guys who do want that. But I didn't feel good about myself in those moments.

I think you're right, ultramarineblue. Finding our own strength, feeling confident usually makes us better submissives. Better humans, I suppose. I like how you say that this sense of strength allows you to let go so you can focus on someone else.

I always wonder what happens if they do "fix" the submissive if that's what they get off on or is it basically an ongoing need to be saved type thing. Even getting therapy, a person still has to do the hard work to get better. I'm so thankful I realized that me being a hot mess needing saving was not really any fun and that it was way more fun when I owned my own stuff.

Ultramarineblue perfectly describes the difference I was going for in my original post. I'm attracted to a sub who wants to surrender all control in pursuit of expanding her boundaries and who gets maximum pleasure from doing so. Not one who needs a Dom to control every aspect of her life; this is my personal definition of "neediness".

As for my preference to "innocent, untapped, etc", well, the cynical responses to that comment reinforce my preference. I love the thrill of exploration and watching a sub experience the pleasure of a previously unknown aspect of her sexual persona. I believe in monogamous Dom/sub relationships and loved all the explorations I did with the 4 women I've been Dom to.

It's always disappointing to find trolls in a relatively open community like Lit. Rather than celebrate our different preferences and experiences, there always seems to be at least 1 curmudgeon who has to attack in a weak attempt to feel better about themselves.

I'm glad that I was able to clarify more of what you meant. I must respectfully disagree that others were attacking though. Perhaps challenging you to better explain what you meant as we can all describe things in ways that may make perfect sense to ourselves but others may not completely understand what you may be saying since they've lived different experiences with different ways of explaining things. The discussion aspect of this thread has been awesome and I understand that you might perceive that they were attacking but it is the behavior that is often associated with those types of words by many. While you may not have the same type of behavior, it would be easy to think you might if you're somewhat new to this board especially many others before you said similar type things. Of course it isn't good to assume but I'm sure you have seen the same type of things on boards or forums that you've been around a long time of how people may perceive messages of newer people to that particular board. Stick around and continue reading and contributing to the threads. I think you'll find us actually a pretty accepting group of people here.

Oh, I see. Are there people who really want to give control of their WHOLE life to a stranger they have never even met?

To me "neediness" is a chance to cry about everyday troubles on the Dom's shoulder. I don't expect him to fix anything, in most cases I don't even need him to come up with
ways for me to fix things, just a friendly shoulder for ANY topic, not only sex/kink related. Listen, be somewhat interested in what's going on, ask for details. Basically, the ideal "how was your day?" dinner time conversation where you actually do talk about how was your day, not just give a fine/good/shitty as a non-answer.

Can I give my submission without all that? In RL yes, but not for long. Online it's a no. If there is no real touch, it has to be compensated by something and emotional closeness seems to be the only available option.

I love this view of neediness. That's the type of neediness I can totally relate to and get behind. If I don't have conversation with someone, then the play won't last long at all.

I find it so interesting to examine the reasons we explore BDSM. I think my start had a little bit to do with “please fix me,” but overwhelmingly I think I was looking for permission to be “bad,” if that makes sense. I do love how it developed over the years, through, and I find myself in a wonderful long-term relationship with someone very down for very similar play. It took a while to get here, though, that’s for sure.

This is awesome in so many ways. I can definitely relate you needing permission to be bad.

 

[AnnieLit]

Sort of like any good relationship, D/s or otherwise?!

Yes and no...
In a real life relationship I do expect some form of help from time to time, help that goes beyond supporting words.

On the other hand, online I can allow myself to be a bit more "needy", meaning that at home I tend to keep my worries more to myself, especially the more irrational ones. I can tell my online Daddy that I am scared shitless to do a mammogram because I have a lump, but I did not tell my husband neither about the lump, nor the appointment. At least not before I got the results.

PS: just to make it a bit more clear, at home it is not a D/s relationship, at least not outside of bedroom. And in the bedroom I am the dominant one, not the submissive. This may or may not change the perspective, I would not know.