When Your Spouse Has An Affair

[Paul Branton]

When your spouse has a sexual affair, do you get mad at: (1) your spouse, (2) your spouse's lover, or (3) both of them? And why?

I've learned that a surprising number of my friends do not get mad the spouse at all, but only at the spouse's lover.

In contrast, I've learned that a surprising number of my friends do not get mad at the spouse's lover, but only at the spouse.

And very few seem to get mad at both.

I personally love when my wife has sex with other men, so I don't get mad at anyone. Although I think that if I got mad at anyone, it would only be at her. How do you feel and why?

 

[Fallen Angel]

Well I haven't been down that road yet. While I think it would be fun and liven up the our sex life, my partner doesn't, so we don't.

To answer your question about "When your spouse has a sexual affair" which I take to mean without your consent and/or knowledge.
I would be mad at three people probably.
Myself for letting the relationship slide to a point where they would go to someone else for their needs.
My spouse for breaking a bond of trust and openness.
The lover for taking away something that was precious to me.

Each situation will have its own variables. Like did the lover know your spouse was married.
Outside preassures like being seperated due to work for long periods of time or mental stress like when a child or someone close dies.

In a marriage or close relationship there seem to be regular intervals of testing? how strong the bond is. Take the 7's for example.
At 7 years, you get the itch from being with one person (only?) and life has changed with kids, house payment, etc.
At 17 years, you are approaching midlife the job is hopefully paying well the young ones look nice and you can afford to splurg on flirting, and you relaize that if you are ever going to play around it had better be soon.
At 27 years, the kids are gone, niether of you look like you did when this thing started,and all those annoying things you spouse does you just can't take any longer, especially when some young thing flirts with you.
Unfortunately I think most people cheat for two reasons, boredom and as a way to get back at a spouse they are mad at.

Playing around and cheating are two different things. As has been stated many times before, you shouldn't include others unless you are very secure in your relationship now.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

This reminds me of Marriage and the Three Stages of Fucking.

Stage One: Married one year. You fuck anywhere, anytime.

Stage Two: Married ten years. You fuck only in the bed, at night.

Stage Three: Married 50 years. You pass her in the hallway and say "Fuck you!"

Not going to happen in my marriage. Still, it's funny.

 

[Lanna_P]

I became furious with both of them.

I went out of town for 2 weeks... My Husband invited a gal he knew from the Net to visit during that time.. and well... they had sex.

The fact that they had sex, wasn't the issue.. it was the fact that BOTH of them lied to me about it when I already knew.
Least to say, I ripped them both a new one.

I rather enjoy involving a third or fourth person in the sack with my Husband... It eases the tension off the "Forbidden Fruit Syndrom" and allows us both to be totally and completely honest/open about our desires.

Honesty is the key in a marriage...
I'm still with my Husband... I can't fault JUST him.. I fault HER too. It was a 50/50 decision between them.
If he would have been more open to what he desired... I would have given th Ok. But he didn't... and so now he's paying for that dishonesty. With his own guilt.

I've said my peace to both of them.. and now, I'm working it out.

Understanding your Partners needs to the fullest, leads to a long lasting relationship whatever that may be.

just my 2 cents on the matter.

-Lanna P.