when you dont find the one

[Guest]

ok i'm playing with melissa etheridge's lyrics - - - when you find the one

whether you believe that there's only one out there for you or many doesnt really matter. i wanna know if you'll ever settle for second best. or even third best. would you or have u ever met someone and not felt headover heels for them but because they fit the description of someone you could love you go for it?

or maybe youve never really been in love but you know what you feel for this person isnt it. but you settle anyway.

would you stay in your current relationship if you did meet "the one or one of the ones" or would you be loyal and stay where you are?

i know its not so black and white. but i just wanted to know how many people would follow their hearts and go with what seems to be love over settling for something less or different. and how many would risk. and what would they risk. for love.

 

[Sapphire_O]

Well, I guess I'm still holding out for the one. I've had some nice bf's and a couple wanted to get married, but it never felt right and I walked away. But at the same time I know someday I will feel the pressure to have kids and then who knows where my romantic ideals will go?

 

[Guest]

bumpy

 

[TxRad]

bumpy

Yes, yes you are and we love you for it......

I'm to old to wait....... uh... wait for what? Is supper going to be late again?

 

[carsonshepherd]

I "settled" twice. Even at the beginning of both relationships, I had reservations; deep down, I knew "he's not the one." But I went for security. I took the easy road. I just let life happen to me.

Then I realized just how unhappy I was, and I did something about it (one year ago today, actually.) It wasn't easy to leave behind the security and everything I knew, but I did it for myself, instead of continuing to do what someone else wanted me to do.

I decided that there was no one out there for me; that nobody could make me soar without trying to clip my wings. I asked myself why I had allowed myself to make such bad decisions; it wasn't an easy question, but I learned to love myself again.

And then - only then, I met someone. Actually, someone I already knew, and had nearly forgotten; we were old friends and the comfort level was instantaneous. It took a lot of soul-searching on both our parts for us to commit to a relationship. He's not the person I saw myself with, but at the same time, he is: he's kind, loving and mostly gentle. Instead of making demands on me, he inspires me. He makes up for what I lack.

Things are a little challenging right now, with our financial situation and his health, but we're both committed to each other. I want to grow old with this man. I didn't think that would ever happen to me, but now that it has, it has allowed me to grow and change in a positive direction. I stopped letting life happen, and started making it happen.

So, I learned never to settle. What you want and need is out there, if you stop wasting time with something(someone) that "isn't it."

 

[impressive]

So, I learned never to settle. What you want and need is out there, if you stop wasting time with something(someone) that "isn't it."

I'm torn.

I think there is a line there somewhere -- a line that is "close enough" to your ideal. I think it varies from person to person and even from relationship to relationship depending on where you are in your life & what you need from a relationship.

Communication is key. After all, it's not easy to say (or to hear): You're not really my ideal, but you're damned close.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I think we have an "impoverished" vocabulary and conceptual framework on these issues. The words and notions we do have more often skew and even pervert our thinking about how to live a happy and meaningful life with another person. Our language and mental landcapes are twisted by many false and damaging notions, and by often-absurd fantasy-worlds that are totally unconnected with real human nature and "existential" realities. The result is tremendous unhappiness for millions of people.

I suspect that concepts such as "the one" and "settling" are part of all that. If they are not just plain false then they are dangerously incomplete in destructive ways. I'm sure we could do better, but I don't know how to make that happen.

~~~~~~~~~

I think there are two kinds of people: "Count your blessings" types and "Demand it all" types. While I'm the mostly the former I'm sympathetic to the latter, but - if the "the all" one demands is a product of what I described above rather than any real human experience, then this is a recipe for unhappiness.

I think happiness comes from inside you, not from something or someone external. Indeed, the truth of this is demonstrated by the presence of many happy people who have very little, and many unhappy people who have it all - and I don't mean materially.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I'm torn.

I think there is a line there somewhere -- a line that is "close enough" to your ideal. I think it varies from person to person and even from relationship to relationship depending on where you are in your life & what you need from a relationship.

Communication is key. After all, it's not easy to say (or to hear): You're not really my ideal, but you're damned close.

You also have to define "ideal". Is your ideal just a romantic idea you have in your head, of someone who's tall, dark, handsome and rich or whatever? Or is your ideal a real person, who maybe doesn't fit the picture in your head, but comes along and completes you, uplifts you, and makes you believe in yourself?

I don't think you can gain happiness or completeness from someone else, but I've found that "the one" for me is the one who can make me feel better about myself, and because I want him to be happy, I am willing to change into a better person.

 

[impressive]

You also have to define "ideal". Is your ideal just a romantic idea you have in your head, of someone who's tall, dark, handsome and rich or whatever? Or is your ideal a real person, who maybe doesn't fit the picture in your head, but comes along and completes you, uplifts you, and makes you believe in yourself?

I don't think you can gain happiness or completeness from someone else, but I've found that "the one" for me is the one who can make me feel better about myself, and because I want him to be happy, I am willing to change into a better person.

Agreed.

Then there's the issue of "completes you, uplifts you" in some aspects and tears you to shreds in others ... requiring you to prioritize your needs.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Agreed.

Then there's the issue of "completes you, uplifts you" in some aspects and tears you to shreds in others ... requiring you to prioritize your needs.

So true, and sometimes it's hard to know right away.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

I question the whole notion of there being "the one" for everybody. I have been in love with many women, and I have also been in love with the idea of being in love. Now, I simply love what I love about them and accept them for who they are and don't project onto them some kind of ideal.

 

[Recidiva]

In my case I do believe that there are many people with whom you could be happy. People that fit in different parts of you. No one person can do all of it.

But there will tend to be that one person that fits you best in more places than anyone else. The person with whom you feel the most "YOU" and good about it.

I met "THE ONE" and lost him. I tried to carry on, I did "settle." I ended up with a man who knew I didn't love him the way he loved me, but I was shattered and he said he wanted to take care of me and I let him.

But "THE ONE" for me was out there and I knew who he was and I never lost that certainty, though I tried.

Had I remained like that for a lifetime I imagine I'd still feel the way I did at that time, broken, half a person, waking dead.

I'm with "THE ONE" now, and I don't ever want to go back to knowing my match is out there, but I can't have him.

 

[cloudy]

I met "THE ONE" and lost him. I tried to carry on, I did "settle." I ended up with a man who knew I didn't love him the way he loved me, but I was shattered and he said he wanted to take care of me and I let him.

But "THE ONE" for me was out there and I knew who he was and I never lost that certainty, though I tried.

Had I remained like that for a lifetime I imagine I'd still feel the way I did at that time, broken, half a person, waking dead.

This might have well been written by me. And that's pretty much the way I feel.

 

[Recidiva]

This might have well been written by me. And that's pretty much the way I feel.

Not a place I wish upon anyone, but a place I know well.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

The first thought that came to mind when I read this thread, is that I don't think it is accurate to "measure" people by what their answers will be. We need different things at different times of our lives. And if you asked me this question a few years ago, my answer probably would not be the same as it is now.

I don't think it is as simple as there being "two different kinds of people in the world" (people who believe there is a 'one-and-only' vs. people who believe there isn't. People who settle vs. those who won't. Etc.)

Secondly, logic says that, my ideal mate would have certain characteristics that is a must, then there are certain criteria that would be nice, and then there are certain criteria that would be wonderful, but highly unlikely. And then there's feeling, which, in my case, absolutely overshadows all of what I've just said. I go with how I feel, not what I think.

Having said all of this, and to answer your question, Fem, if the relationship I have invested the past 17 months into, had to end, or never reach the potential we know it could, or we never get to be what we would like it to be, I would not start over again with someone else. In my case, this is all or nothing. Because, I know our potential. I know what we are and I know what we can be. I know how I feel. And I know what I have felt, and I know for certain, that I will never have this again, with anyone except for her. I won't do love again. Not this way. I'd rather be without. Because, once you've known what it can be . . . how it can be with the right person, you wouldn't ever be able to have just another kiss, or another body in your bed or another promise of a future together. Everything is different. I'm different. My universe has fundimentally changed.

I will not settle, because it would not be true to whomever I'm trying to settle with, I would not be true to my current partner, and I would not be true to myself.

 

[feeeriek]

would i settle.... no... there are too many things in my life that i have settled for... that is not nor will not be among them... i would rather do without...

 

[Guest]

Agreed.

Then there's the issue of "completes you, uplifts you" in some aspects and tears you to shreds in others ... requiring you to prioritize your needs.

if someone does both then are they still the one??

 

[Guest]

Now, I simply love what I love about them and accept them for who they are and don't project onto them some kind of ideal.

ok but is that enough? will that be enough for you? will you truly be satisfied by that?

 

[Guest]

The first thought that came to mind when I read this thread, is that I don't think it is accurate to "measure" people by what their answers will be. We need different things at different times of our lives. And if you asked me this question a few years ago, my answer probably would not be the same as it is now.

I don't think it is as simple as there being "two different kinds of people in the world" (people who believe there is a 'one-and-only' vs. people who believe there isn't. People who settle vs. those who won't. Etc.)

Secondly, logic says that, my ideal mate would have certain characteristics that is a must, then there are certain criteria that would be nice, and then there are certain criteria that would be wonderful, but highly unlikely. And then there's feeling, which, in my case, absolutely overshadows all of what I've just said. I go with how I feel, not what I think.

Having said all of this, and to answer your question, Fem, if the relationship I have invested the past 17 months into, had to end, or never reach the potential we know it could, or we never get to be what we would like it to be, I would not start over again with someone else. In my case, this is all or nothing. Because, I know our potential. I know what we are and I know what we can be. I know how I feel. And I know what I have felt, and I know for certain, that I will never have this again, with anyone except for her. I won't do love again. Not this way. I'd rather be without. Because, once you've known what it can be . . . how it can be with the right person, you wouldn't ever be able to have just another kiss, or another body in your bed or another promise of a future together. Everything is different. I'm different. My universe has fundimentally changed.

I will not settle, because it would not be true to whomever I'm trying to settle with, I would not be true to my current partner, and I would not be true to myself.

which brings me back to one of my questions. what would you risk for love?

and if you wont settle would you be ok with being alone for the rest of your life?

if she's your ideal and you know you're not gonna settle for anything less then what would be the point of ever ending it? why would you?

 

[Recidiva]

which brings me back to one of my questions. what would you risk for love?

and if you wont settle would you be ok with being alone for the rest of your life?

if she's your ideal and you know you're not gonna settle for anything less then what would be the point of ever ending it? why would you?

I've risked everything except my children. Given up jobs, homes, status, a business, family approval...

I bring my children with me and that's where my line is drawn. I'm first a mother. "THE ONE" would truly have to wait if he wished to come first. My kids are my duty, he is my pleasure.

I would never settle again.

 

[angela146]

It's theoretically possible that you may find "the one" person, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, but it is a long shot.

I've never known a happy, long-term-married couple that started out that way.

Instead, the couples I've known - including my husband and I - have all used the approach of starting with friendship.

Friendship is much easier to find. It doesn't need to be a perfect fit just to get it going. And, you can be friends with more than one person at a time.

You can get close as friends and become emotionally intimate, sharing desires, hopes dreams and needs. You can adapt to each other or you can discover the limits of your adaptability.

As some friendships deepen and others level off, eventually you will start to see that there are one or two or five good friends that you might be able to spend your life with - as friends.

And assuming were talking about the gender(s) that you find sexually attractive, it's possible to look at a good friend and say "you know, it would be fun to give him/her an orgasm. I'd love to see him/her moan in pleasure simply because I wiggled my hand just so ... and, now that I think about it, I could spend the rest of my life fucking her/him while I'm at it."

And despite not having fallen in love, you marry your best friend, settling for the kind of closeness that can make life happy and serene. You settle. You know you're settling and you're happy doing it, because even though you aren't in love, you enjoy playing checkers with this person and they're fun to have sex with.

Then, a few years down the road, you start to wonder if there was ever a time when you weren't madly in love with your spouse ... and it's only then that you discover that you fell in love along the way. It snuck up on you.

The love was retroactive. It went back and enveloped your relationship, recoloring every memory you have and shining light on something that had always been present but never noticed.

When others tell you that you have the perfect relationship, you smile knowingly. When they ask how you knew you were right for each other, you lie and tell them that it was love at first sight.

And all of your single friends get depressed and wish that they could find the one right person just like you did.

And you laugh your asses off in bed that night as you fuck each other silly.

That's how it works.

Us happily married folks have y'all snowed.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

It's theoretically possible that you may find "the one" person, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, but it is a long shot.

I've never known a happy, long-term-married couple that started out that way.

Instead, the couples I've known - including my husband and I - have all used the approach of starting with friendship.

Friendship is much easier to find. It doesn't need to be a perfect fit just to get it going. And, you can be friends with more than one person at a time.

You can get close as friends and become emotionally intimate, sharing desires, hopes dreams and needs. You can adapt to each other or you can discover the limits of your adaptability.

As some friendships deepen and others level off, eventually you will start to see that there are one or two or five good friends that you might be able to spend your life with - as friends.

And assuming were talking about the gender(s) that you find sexually attractive, it's possible to look at a good friend and say "you know, it would be fun to give him/her an orgasm. I'd love to see him/her moan in pleasure simply because I wiggled my hand just so ... and, now that I think about it, I could spend the rest of my life fucking her/him while I'm at it."

And despite not having fallen in love, you marry your best friend, settling for the kind of closeness that can make life happy and serene. You settle. You know you're settling and you're happy doing it, because even though you aren't in love, you enjoy playing checkers with this person and they're fun to have sex with.

Then, a few years down the road, you start to wonder if there was ever a time when you weren't madly in love with your spouse ... and it's only then that you discover that you fell in love along the way. It snuck up on you.

The love was retroactive. It went back and enveloped your relationship, recoloring every memory you have and shining light on something that had always been present but never noticed.

When others tell you that you have the perfect relationship, you smile knowingly. When they ask how you knew you were right for each other, you lie and tell them that it was love at first sight.

And all of your single friends get depressed and wish that they could find the one right person just like you did.

And you laugh your asses off in bed that night as you fuck each other silly.

That's how it works.

Us happily married folks have y'all snowed.

I think you have the right of it. This is a better model than the one which is "sold" to people. I think people would be much happier if they never heard about the other and lived by this one.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

which brings me back to one of my questions. what would you risk for love?

A more accurate question would be "What would I not risk for love". And how does one answer that anyway? Besides, the real answer does not lie in the words, but in the action , (or lack of) when it is necessarily, and when the time is right.

and if you wont settle would you be ok with being alone for the rest of your life?

I have been 'alone' for most of my life. I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. I'm not saying I won't have relationships. I have many relationships right now, on different levels and of different natures. I just won't see someone else for what they're not.

if she's your ideal and you know you're not gonna settle for anything less then what would be the point of ever ending it? why would you?

If she or I had to overstep any of the boundaries that we, together have agreed on, and we could not resolve the conflict without irreparably damaging our futures together.

If she had to decide that this is not what she needs/ wants, for whatever reason. And she asked me to let her go.

If the pain, and agony of not being together, the disappointment, the loneliness, the hurtful hope, and having to bear all this ever became so much, that I had to make a decision to either stay or leave, and I could not stay, and she could not be with me.

 

[Guest]

A more accurate question would be "What would I not risk for love". And how does one answer that anyway? Besides, the real answer does not lie in the words, but in the action , (or lack of) when it is necessarily, and when the time is right.


I have been 'alone' for most of my life. I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. I'm not saying I won't have relationships. I have many relationships right now, on different levels and of different natures. I just won't see someone else for what they're not.


If she or I had to overstep any of the boundaries that we, together have agreed on, and we could not resolve the conflict without irreparably damaging our futures together.

If she had to decide that this is not what she needs/ wants, for whatever reason. And she asked me to let her go.

If the pain, and agony of not being together, the disappointment, the loneliness, the hurtful hope, and having to bear all this ever became so much, that I had to make a decision to either stay or leave, and I could not stay, and she could not be with me.

just wow

 

[Boxlicker101]

I don't beliee in love at first sight, but I do believe there can be an attraction that can quickly become love.

Two of the most devoted couples I have evere known were my parents and my older brother and his wife. The former were married over sixty years until Dad died. They were married when in their early twenties, and couldn't have known each other very long. The latter will soon celebrate their Golden Anniversary. He was 20 and she was 16 when they wed, and they had only known each other about eight months.