When to tell someone you're a virgin?

[shy_girl0119]

When is the right time to tell someone you're seeing that you're still a virgin? Is it something you should be upfront about on the first date? Second date? Only when things start getting hot and heavy?

 

[fire_breeze]

When is the right time to tell someone you're seeing that you're still a virgin? Is it something you should be upfront about on the first date? Second date? Only when things start getting hot and heavy?

When you decide that you wish to get intimate with someone, then it's important to have a frank conversation about sexual history and expectations. You don't need to get into details, but a discussion outside of the bedroom regarding birth control and testing is usually in good order. You can mention it then while you are excited to get intimate with the individual, you are a bit nervous because you haven't much experience (or any, if you wish to go that route). Go from there. If the person gives you grief about your decision to have sex when you want to, then run away. It's often an indication (though not always) of how they will treat you.

And if you're too embarrassed or shy to talk about sex (pregnancy, birth control, safer sex) then you shouldn't be having it at the moment.

Good luck and play safe

 

[texas cop]

Agree!!!

 

[phil_o]

What

What firebreez said....

also it's not something you can undo, make sure it is what YOU want, don't worry about saying no if the relationship is about more then sex he will be happy to wait until you are ready.

There's lots you can do beside fucking!

 

[Ewobbit]

Pretty much the best place to mention it is the first time sex comes up. Whether it is conversational or touch.

Example; "So, what do you like in the bedroom?"
" I don't really know as I haven't ever had someone in mine."

Example 2: While kissing, you feel a hand exploring your body.
"You should know that I've never been with anyone."

Pretty much, just be straight up when it comes up. And, of course, add in just what the forecast is for the likelihood of it not continuing.

But, I don't think there is really much need to bring it up before it comes up, unless you are angling that direction and want to get the ball rolling (or bouncing).

 

[Hypoxia]

[snark]

Immediately before he slides in.

I assume it's 'he'.

[/snark]

You get to decide what happens at any stage. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th date? 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base, Home Run! How excited are you? How prepared? And apprehensive? Is he a virgin too? Older or younger than you? Have you been acquainted (non-date) for long? How much have you talked about yourselves, your personal histories and hopes?

I guess I'm suggesting you become friends before lovers. Although I've gone fast more than once. (Including the start of my current 36-year partnership.) Anyway, do you hope for a romantic relationship, or an exploratory fuck, or what? Do you feel or want any commitment from him? Is this the first of a series of guys?

 

[tinytina9]

When is the right time to tell someone you're seeing that you're still a virgin? Is it something you should be upfront about on the first date? Second date? Only when things start getting hot and heavy?

I'm a virgin and proud of it - despite some of my dodgy posts my holy of holys is going to the man I marry - sounds old fashioned but hey I can loose it any time but I can't get it back - if any guy honours that they are worth having (even more if they do the same!!)

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[GrrlFriday]

To add to breezys' statement, sometimes trying to do the right thing and talk maturely about protection can make an inexperienced guy think you're more experienced than you are. I figure they don't always have it drummed in as much as the girls do. If they give you grief about your supposed experience, then be prepared to also run.

 

[YoungToy]

I would say let them know beforehand. Honestly, it isn't that big of a deal whether you're a virgin or not. It shouldn't change much.

Obviously don't introduce yourself as "Hi. My names ____ and I'm a virgin. Whats your name?" But if you feel comfortable and it seems like you're ready to take the figurative next step, whats the harm in letting them know?

 

[NightL]

I'm a virgin and proud of it - despite some of my dodgy posts my holy of holys is going to the man I marry - sounds old fashioned but hey I can loose it any time but I can't get it back - if any guy honours that they are worth having (even more if they do the same!!)

Do you lose a first kiss? Do you lose a first hand hold while walking in a park? What exactly is taken from you if you have penetrative sex - well I suppose you are not in a position to answer that - but curious your view.

So you intend to get loose with your husband only - OK I will try that again - you intend to lose something with your husband but you actually have no real knowledge of what that is. Is this going to be after the marriage vows or engagement or when you spot him walking down the street and think "that is the one"?

Will you insist your husband not to have experienced intercourse? Will oral sex be OK? If so what will be lost?

Would you buy a car purely on trust without taking it for a test drive?

What you may find indeed lost, are years of intimacy - that once you have "gained" that in marriage you regret not having been rewarded with those physical pleasures and emotional bonds years earlier. You can't get that back either.

Like the car - he could turn out to be a lemon (he may think you are a lemon). You only need to look around here to read of many who are in complete despair, fearing relationship and marriage break up, due to incompatible sex lives.

I can't say "good on you, well done, chin up" with a pat pat on the back - I think imposed or self-imposed denial of intimacy sad.

One more question - what is worse?:

• Maintaining a marriage where sexual incompatibility leads to resentment and everything that could follow.
• Serial marriages - trying to find the "right one"
• or taking the fellow for a test drive before marriage to find out if all works well?

 

[pplwatching]

Would you buy a car purely on trust without taking it for a test drive? ... Like the car - he could turn out to be a lemon (he may think you are a lemon). You only need to look around here to read of many who are in complete despair, fearing relationship and marriage break up, due to incompatible sex lives.

I always have trouble following this line of reasoning. Marriage is a union, a partnership with many aspects including sex. A car is a tool that we expect to trade in for a different model, or have wear out and be replaced eventually. Test driving a car tells us if we like it, but putting it up on the lift and inspecting it closely gives us much more insight into whether it's a good choice that will give us long and trouble free service.

Shy Girl, if you are a virgin for no other reason than circumstance, then ask yourself why you want a potential lover to know. Some people may take it as a challenge, and "taking" your virginity may become the brass ring rather than a healthy, respectful relationship. In that case once the ticket has been punched, the relationship may become less interesting to that person. When you decide that you want to have sex with someone, and if you feel that it's important for them to know that you're a virgin then pick an intimate moment to talk about it. If you want the first time to be special, then talk about it. Otherwise, you should be talking about safe sex and STDs before having sex and you can slip it into the conversation. "I don't have an STD because I have never had sex" may be the truth, but you need to know about your love interest's sexual health.

On the other hand, if you feel that sex should only be a part of a deeply committed relationship, however you define that, then there will undoubtedly be a lot of opportunities to talk about it as sexual tension grows in your relationship. You should talk with a Beau about it when you've decided that there's potential for a deeper commitment, and learn about whether or not their perspective is the same as yours, and how to approach sex in your relationship.

This is a tangent, but if the issue is sex before marriage then yes sex is a big part of marriage, and since we know that sex is a major cause of marriage problems we naturally want to know if we're buying a lemon (to borrow from the car analogy). But, do we need to have sex with someone to know if they are a good fit sexually? Courtship gives us the opportunity to get to "look under the hood" and get to know a romantic interest very intimately long before we chose to have sex or to marry them. Do we need to have sex in order to know more about someone? Unlike buying a car, We have the opportunity to ask questions, listen to answers, observe behavior, and learn about a love interest.

That said, my wife and I had sex before we got married. I don't think that it helped or hurt us, but there is no doubt in my mind that sex creates emotional attachments that may not be helpful. I stayed with prior girlfriends who weren't great potential spouses because good sex made it easy to overlook or ignore a lot of other very important issues. Great sex made it easier to coast along and assume that we would cross bridges when we got to them, instead of making decisions to move on to better relationships.

I am fortunate that my wife to be was and is a great woman, who's compassion, empathy, and loyalty made it possible for us to move past many problems in our marriage, including sexual ones. The amount and "quality" of sex before marriage didn't tell us much about each other as marriage partners. From my own marriage, and after reading this board and others I have come to the conclusion that "sexual compatibility" is both fleeting and always changing. I haven't counted, but it seems to me that for every "waited to have sex until after marriage, now sex isn't good" post there are at least 3 "had great sex before marriage, now sex isn't good" posts. It seems to be the same on just about every board that I lurk around. Women and men complaining that sex has tapered off, spouse is no longer interested in things that used to be regularly on the menu, spouse doesn't do things for me that (s)he did for past lovers, kids / jobs / stress killed sexual intimacy.

It seems that the modern area of sexual liberation has changed how we chose our spouses, and not always for the better. People place so much importance on sex that they ignore a potential spouse's passion, empathy, warmth, kindness, and compassion. "We have great sex" often trumps the very things that are needed to build, maintain, and sustain a healthy and fulfilling sex life between two individuals who's desires, needs, and tastes will always be changing as their lives unfold. It seems like people get so focused on "sexual compatibility" as a yardstick for choosing a marriage partner that they overlook that marriage requires a deep commitment that can weather many problems, including evolving sexual tastes and desires as life throws it's BS at us. When health changes, hormones, change, situations change, tastes change, and sex becomes infrequent or disappointing then the whole marriage goes off of the rails because one partner or both lacks the skills or personality traits required to make an effort to adapt sexually.

Most of us who have posted about sexual problems in our marriages fall into one of two categories. Our partner is either empathetic and makes an effort to meet our sexual needs because they understand how important it is and want us to be happy, or they don't care if we're miserable and are willing to let us be unhappy as long as we don't overturn the apple cart. These personality traits can be discovered before marriage without having sex. It seems to me that if people spent more time before marriage learning about the kind of person that they are considering marrying, reading boards where marriage issues including sex are discussed, and talking through "what if that was us in 5 years?" then they would have a much better chance of being sexually satisfied when the changes start. And, not just sex. Money, children, power, sex, religion, every thing should be discussed in light of people's successes and failures.

If someone is willing to discuss issues before marriage, and periodically revisit them to tune up the marriage then I think that they'd have a better chance of having a happy marriage, complete with a "compatible" and satisfying sex life than choosing or disqualifying love interests based on sex before marriage.

I apologize for the long tangent

 

[NightL]

tomorrow I promise to read... tonight I just started seeing STD then saw a WALL and stopped.

In 2016, in a lot of countries, young people are very fortunate to have access to good education and quality condoms.

Hopefully they have a better opportunities to develop emotional intelligence than previous generations as well.

I actually have more faith in younger generations than (some) older to make wise decisions about their sexuality and participation.

Promise to read your response in full tomorrow pplwatching

 

[pplwatching]

I just started seeing STD then saw a WALL and stopped.

Hah. Yeah, I almost didn't post it since it's a rambling wall of text. Too much time on my hands between semesters.

Promise to read your response in full tomorrow pplwatching

But will you still respect me in the morning?

 

[NightL]

Respect? What the hell? - Actually I meant what I wrote - I will read - I have no reason to dismiss your writings pplwatching. Tonight is just too late.

While the wall is insurmountable tonight - the fact you wrote it will have my attention tomorrow.

 

[pplwatching]

Sorry. Wasn't implying anything. Just a misfired attempt at humor given the context of the thread .

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Do you lose a first kiss? Do you lose a first hand hold while walking in a park? What exactly is taken from you if you have penetrative sex - well I suppose you are not in a position to answer that - but curious your view.

So you intend to get loose with your husband only - OK I will try that again - you intend to lose something with your husband but you actually have no real knowledge of what that is. Is this going to be after the marriage vows or engagement or when you spot him walking down the street and think "that is the one"?

Will you insist your husband not to have experienced intercourse? Will oral sex be OK? If so what will be lost?

Would you buy a car purely on trust without taking it for a test drive?

What you may find indeed lost, are years of intimacy - that once you have "gained" that in marriage you regret not having been rewarded with those physical pleasures and emotional bonds years earlier. You can't get that back either.

Like the car - he could turn out to be a lemon (he may think you are a lemon). You only need to look around here to read of many who are in complete despair, fearing relationship and marriage break up, due to incompatible sex lives.

I can't say "good on you, well done, chin up" with a pat pat on the back - I think imposed or self-imposed denial of intimacy sad.

One more question - what is worse?:

• Maintaining a marriage where sexual incompatibility leads to resentment and everything that could follow.
• Serial marriages - trying to find the "right one"
• or taking the fellow for a test drive before marriage to find out if all works well?

Maybe she simply wants to wear white at her wedding without being a total hypocrite.

My bride was impressed as hell when I didn't drag her to a bar for our first date. We went to a better Italian restaurant then to see SUMMER OF 42 then to Frisch's BIG BOY for banana splits and to talk. I imagine a date with you would be like fucked up on LSD.

 

[NightL]

Oh uncle jimblydrybitswishingthepartsstillworked

actually I would take LSD over your imaginary "white" - at the end of the day I think my sanity would be far more intact. In my experience LSD does not lie - though I never sought it as a truth sayer, nor could I ever think that of you.

 

[NightL]

Sorry. Wasn't implying anything. Just a misfired attempt at humor given the context of the thread .

no apologies needed - I was laughing at the time - should have communicated that as well

As for your big reply, my mistake was not to read it at the time - with quoting my post I took it that you were responding to what tripped me - the virgin badge of honour - which obviously I disagree with strongly - and the bizarre concept of "losing" something which I find a creepy way shaming a part of life and intimacy that should be considered rewarding and gaining - especially in light of what you wrote, regardless of a marital state.

As a response to the OP, I largely agree with you - and her post had no mention of marriage.

There are a couple of things I don't agree with - and of course my opinion

In that case once the ticket has been punched, the relationship may become less interesting to that person.

Better to find out sooner than later - if marriage is still part of this discussion. I am not suggesting anyone rush into sex - but delaying that union until after marriage just seems - well odd. Sexual incompatibility at the beginning of a relationship would be a deal breaker for me - sure there is a lot more to meaningful relationships than just sex but I would want to know there was a clear path forward to great sex before committing to marriage.

I stayed with prior girlfriends who weren't great potential spouses because good sex made it easy to overlook or ignore a lot of other very important issues. Great sex made it easier to coast along and assume that we would cross bridges when we got to them, instead of making decisions to move on to better relationships.

This confuses me - is a relationship (not talking of marriage here) based around "Great sex" necessarily a negative thing, especially if there is a clear understanding between the partners that this is the binding factor.

A relationship based around great sex may be the most appropriate situation for some - life choices. Waiting until after marriage to find out there will never be great sex would be sad and if there was no path forward to great sex it is likely an indication other communication issues will arise. Not a good basis for a marriage.

Deep meaningful relationships obviously can develop from a "great sex" start. Likewise great sex may develop from deep meaningful relationships. There are no rights or wrongs, just choices.

 

[Delilah_Night]

When is the right time to tell someone you're seeing that you're still a virgin? Is it something you should be upfront about on the first date? Second date? Only when things start getting hot and heavy?

From personal experience, while you're getting naked is not the best time.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[Athalia]

From personal experience, while you're getting naked is not the best time.

You've got that right.

On those rare times when I've been privileged to take a boy's virginity, I assured them that, in Kurt Vonnegut's words, "It is impossible to make a mistake." I think they greatly appreciated that reassurance, and put most of that anxiety behind them.

 

[Cumference]

IMHO virginity is hugely over-rated and the focus on it, is an evil smelling remain from a time, where women did not own their bodies.


And referring to it as "losing something" is in itself crazy.
(But closely linked to the myth of the hymen)

Have you ever heard people claim that you lost something when you started riding a bike*, learned to read or tasted Sushi for the first time?

In all other aspects of life, you are expected to train before being good at something. But when it comes to sex, large parts of the world (even the so-called civilized world) consider ignorance to be desirable?


A movie on the topic: https://youtu.be/7wDtmVaJDC8
(a bit more "edge" would have served it well, but it is OK)



Another part of the "hymen myth" is what FireB refers to here:

Sex, even for the first time, should not hurt if the woman is relaxed, ready, sufficiently aroused, is very well lubricated and is a willing participant in the play. If sex hurts*, barring any physical conditions, then one of the above criteria is usually not met, usually because the woman is tense or isn't lubricated enough. Foreplay and/or extra lube often helps.

We had the same discussion in another thread.
"Mindless un-lubricated pumping" is bound to hurt, and the vagina has to stretch, to accommodate its new friend.

Having some "me time" with your favorite erotica, lube, a cucumber and a condom beforehand, should remove any doubt about if there is room enough. And the good part is, that you can dump the cucumber afterwards, and not even feel bad about it.





*In that particular case, losing a couple of pounds could be possible.

 

[fire_breeze]

IMHO virginity is hugely over-rated and the focus on it, is an evil smelling remain from a time, where women did not own their bodies.


And referring to it as "losing something" is in itself crazy.
(But closely linked to the myth of the hymen)

Have you ever heard people claim that you lost something when you started riding a bike*, learned to read or tasted Sushi for the first time?

In all other aspects of life, you are expected to train before being good at something. But when it comes to sex, large parts of the world (even the so-called civilized world) consider ignorance to be desirable?


A movie on the topic: https://youtu.be/7wDtmVaJDC8
(a bit more "edge" would have served it well, but it is OK)



Another part of the "hymen myth" is what FireB refers to here:


We had the same discussion in another thread.
"Mindless un-lubricated pumping" is bound to hurt, and the vagina has to stretch, to accommodate its new friend.

Having some "me time" with your favorite erotica, lube, a cucumber and a condom beforehand, should remove any doubt about if there is room enough. And the good part is, that you can dump the cucumber afterwards, and not even feel bad about it.





*In that particular case, losing a couple of pounds could be possible.

Unless the cucumber becomes needy and won't stop calling right?

(sorry, couldn't resist )

 

[Cumference]

Unless the cucumber becomes needy and won't stop calling right?

(sorry, couldn't resist )

In that case.....

Stir water, vinegar, sugar, and sea salt together in a saucepan over high heat. Bring to a boil; remove from heat and cool completely.
Combine cucumber spears, garlic cloves, and fresh dill in a large glass or plastic container. Pour cooled vinegar mixture over cucumber mixture. Seal container with lid and refrigerate for at least 3 days.