When to tell a potential partner about BDSM?

[Killishandra]

When do you think it is prudent/sensible to tell someone you are dating about BDSM? I am currently not dating anyone, but I have been thinking about this alot lately. Do you think something like BDSM should/can be brought up from the start (meaning the first time you hang out with someone for an extended period of time) if both parties are interested in each other? I'm hesitant about investing much time in someone only to have them recoil in horror when I explain I am a submissive. Or, learn that "BDSM-style" Domming is something they absolutely cannot see themselves doing.

The flip side would be to date only people in the lifestyle, but that community is so small out here that I fear I might end up an old widow with 12 cats before finding a suitable mate. I am not at all opposed to learning the lifestyle alongside another newbie if they have the same innate tendency towards Domming their SO that I have towards submitting to my SO. And it's not too hard to weed out the dominant types from the passive ones. The problem lies in discriminating who amoungst those personalities are willing to delve into the world of power exchange, rough play, and SM that most others in the lifestyle assume will exist but many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

 

[graceanne]

I wish I could help, but I couldn't even bring it up to my husband. I can't imagine having to bring it up to a person you're dating. I guess I'd just go easy, like getting a suggestive movie and see how he reacts to it, etc.

 

[Mr Niceguy]

many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

That has got to be the best term ever for "the rest of humanity" as referenced by a particular group.


As for your problem, I don't think it is as bad as you think. For one thing, through the miracle of the internet, most people in our generation have had at least some exposure to the BDSM community (or naked pictures thereof.)

Secondly, I believe that all guys in our society have a desire to dominate at some level, just based on cultural norms. If you wanted a guy to be submissive, you might want to tread lightly, but dominant? (I'm assuming you are looking for a guy.) My girlfriend had an embarrassing sexual request and it eventually turned out that it was to tie her up, and I thought 'What? That's it? That's your "embarrassing sexual request?" That's almost as bad as "would you like an orgasm?"

I know that if someone asked me to try it I'd jump at the chance at pretty much any point in the relationship (as long as it had progressed to the intimate stage of course, I wouldn't recommend putting that in your greeting.) And I'm the LAST person you would expect to if you knew me as I am usually very cheerful, kind, and easygoing.

Just don't start with full suspension or something crazy. Get a tape, or better yet, just cuff yourself to the bedpost, I guarantee he won't mind

Good luck!

 

[Killishandra]

Secondly, I believe that all guys in our society have a desire to dominate at some level, just based on cultural norms. If you wanted a guy to be submissive, you might want to tread lightly, but dominant? (I'm assuming you are looking for a guy.) My girlfriend had an embarrassing sexual request and it eventually turned out that it was to tie her up, and I thought 'What? That's it? That's your "embarrassing sexual request?" That's almost as bad as "would you like an orgasm?"

One of my male friends who wants to be more than a friend had a minor freakout when I brought up the fact that I'm involved in BDSM. Just about his only exposure to S&M is an episode of "Law and Order" and the last thing he said to me before we switched subjects was "Why do the nice girls always turn out to be crazy." I asked him if he'd ever tied up a girlfriend during sex, or blindfolded her, and he said no. This is a VERY dominant guy... Even as friends he takes the lead in our relationship. See, this is my point... A man can be dominant but have no interest in being "a Dom" in that sense. Or do you think it is just a lack of being properly informed or having ever tried something like that?

For reasons that have nothing to do with BDSM I do not wish to date him, but I run into this generalized situation alot with males who express interest in me. I know sometime soon I am going to have to explain my orientation again, this time to a male who is going to graduate from the Police Academy in two weeks. And I can't help but think that someone who is making a career as a police officer would steer widely clear of BDSM activities just because of their common (and unfortunate) connotations, no matter how dominant the man is.

 

[graceanne]

Actually I think a lot of dom/mes aren't into bondage or S&M. Their are a lot of dominant and submissive people in this world - if all of them were into BDSM then we'd be the norm, and 'nillas' would be the weird ones.

 

[Killishandra]

Actually I think a lot of dom/mes aren't into bondage or S&M. Their are a lot of dominant and submissive people in this world - if all of them were into BDSM then we'd be the norm, and 'nillas' would be the weird ones.

That's exactly my point, Graceanne. It's not the "D" in BDSM that I have a hard time finding in them... it's the rest of the letters.

 

[Loose_by_name]

Before you go dating and considering telling a 'potential partner' I would first think about how important BDSM in all its variations is to YOU. Once I'd read The Story of O and seen the movie I KNEW 'that' was a very important part of me and to deny it, would be denying myself. And why would I deny myself?

At the same time, why limit yourself to vanilla OR D/s relationships?

We are all multi dimensional and to that end require more than one dimension to stimulate us, sexually, psychologically, emotionally or physically.

Once you know how important BDSM is to you, you will figure out how best to approach the subject with a 'potential' ........

The best way for YOU, not them.

Once you are comfortable with your primary relationship- that being the one with yourself, secondary relationships will become more easy to formulate.

Good Luck

Lucy

 

[Killishandra]

Before you go dating and considering telling a 'potential partner' I would first think about how important BDSM in all its variations is to YOU. Once I'd read The Story of O and seen the movie I KNEW 'that' was a very important part of me and to deny it, would be denying myself. And why would I deny myself?

At the same time, why limit yourself to vanilla OR D/s relationships?

We are all multi dimensional and to that end require more than one dimension to stimulate us, sexually, psychologically, emotionally or physically.

Once you know how important BDSM is to you, you will figure out how best to approach the subject with a 'potential' ........

The best way for YOU, not them.

Once you are comfortable with your primary relationship- that being the one with yourself, secondary relationships will become more easy to formulate.

Good Luck

Lucy

Before you go dating and considering telling a 'potential partner' I would first think about how important BDSM in all its variations is to YOU.

Thank you, Lucy, I do agree with you that it is foremost to determine how important BDSM is to me. Actually, I may have misimplied the extent of my seriousness in the lifestyle when I refered to myself as a newbie... I do, in fact, consider myself a newbie even after having 2 relationships with Dominants. Power exchange, S&M, and service in a relationship have been important to me for a long time. After my last relationship with a Dom ended disasterously I decided to take a break from the lifestyle for a couple months or longer. I am, in a way, working on mentally preparing myself to join the dating game again when I feel completely up to it. Hence this thread.

Once I'd read The Story of O and seen the movie I KNEW 'that' was a very important part of me and to deny it, would be denying myself. And why would I deny myself?

I have actually never seen the movie or read the full book "The Story of O." (I have the illustrated version, which is much shorter.) I hear it hyped up so much, and one of these days I intend to read it, but from what I have seen in the illustrated version it is a bit unrealistic (LOL) and not much like the real relationships I've experienced. It's a great fantasy, and for a select people, reality, but for me... I do not see D/s as so cut-and-dry and I try to take an approach to BDSM that can realistically conform to modern life and my unique personality.

At the same time, why limit yourself to vanilla OR D/s relationships?

We are all multi dimensional and to that end require more than one dimension to stimulate us, sexually, psychologically, emotionally or physically.

These days, I do not pursue vanilla relationships, unless there is an understanding that we are working towards some sort of consensual power exchange. I don't see this as limiting myself... D/s is what I am attracted to in a relationship. Without some level of S&M I have found that I remain unsatisfied in the bedroom, and without power exchange I am unsatisfied in the relationship. I enjoy being stimulated on many levels, but most of them eventually come back to my desire to serve my PYL. In the same way that a lesbian would not pursue a relationship with a male, I would not pursue a relationship with someone I knew was and would always be "vanilla."

Once you know how important BDSM is to you, you will figure out how best to approach the subject with a 'potential' ........

The best way for YOU, not them.

Once you are comfortable with your primary relationship- that being the one with yourself, secondary relationships will become more easy to formulate.

Good Luck

Lucy

Thank you again for your input. And one thing you said here that really resonates in my mind is about being comfortable with myself ("primary relationship") before working on secondary ones... That is one of the reasons behind my current hiatus from sex and dating. It's a tough road, finding inner peace, and I don't think the journey ever really ends... People are such dynamic creatures that I think we must continually work on ourselves even to maintain the peace we do find. Or else life seeps it away from us. Right now all of my energy is being diverted to finding more of that peace... Once I reach a comfortable level, I'll have more time and energy left over to devote to my PYL once I find Him.

 

[mrmadman]

When to break the news

It's a question I've wondered about too, killishandra, which comes first. I've had good luck starting with "nice girls" and twisting them into subs, or let's say helping get them in touch with their latent desires, but you haven't had luck doing the same. If you're pretty sure that there aren't any BSM folks (just D) where you live, and you're committed to staying there, I should think that's still your only option though.

I gotta say, if it helps, that there's no reason to think a cop would be disinterested just because he's a cop. Quite the opposite. And yeah, doncha HATE stupid "Law & Order Special Victims Unit!" ARGH! Sadist=Murderer, every time, or at least plausible suspect, just because. We're the last despised minority in straight society. I'm convinced that even after gays are properly accepted, those dumb-butt cops will be wisecracking about "sick sadists." Good thing we're a fairly thick-skinned lot. [End of rant.] Or should I say [/RANT]

Anyhoo, good luck to you!

 

[Killishandra]

It's a question I've wondered about too, killishandra, which comes first. I've had good luck starting with "nice girls" and twisting them into subs, or let's say helping get them in touch with their latent desires, but you haven't had luck doing the same. If you're pretty sure that there aren't any BSM folks (just D) where you live, and you're committed to staying there, I should think that's still your only option though.

I gotta say, if it helps, that there's no reason to think a cop would be disinterested just because he's a cop. Quite the opposite. And yeah, doncha HATE stupid "Law & Order Special Victims Unit!" ARGH! Sadist=Murderer, every time, or at least plausible suspect, just because. We're the last despised minority in straight society. I'm convinced that even after gays are properly accepted, those dumb-butt cops will be wisecracking about "sick sadists." Good thing we're a fairly thick-skinned lot. [End of rant.] Or should I say [/RANT]

Anyhoo, good luck to you!

LOL, I'll rant right along with you, Mr. Madman... I never watch those shows myself (I try to steer clear of anything except "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart") but I've heard many people complain about the way BDSM is portrayed... It's rare to see it in a positive light on television or in the newspaper.

I think, btw, that it is a bit easier for Doms to twist good lil vanilla girls into subs... After all, that is what a Dominant does, they guide and steer their pyl into submission. It's alot harder (IMO) for me to "twist" good vanilla men into being Doms. It goes against the fabric of power exchange, and reeks to high hell of bottoming from the top. And despite my tendency to *try* to bottom from the top sometimes (often I don't recognize it until it's pointed out to me) I smell that from a mile away and try to avoid it as much as possible. If I date a man who has no BDSM experience but is eager and interested in learning I will support him (and his mistakes along the way) as much as I can but it will be up to him to network with other Dominants and keep one step ahead of me. Not always an easy task, if I do say so myself.

 

[bennmorland85]

LOL, I'll rant right along with you, Mr. Madman... I never watch those shows myself (I try to steer clear of anything except "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart") but I've heard many people complain about the way BDSM is portrayed... It's rare to see it in a positive light on television or in the newspaper.

To speak as Devil's (read: L&O:SVU's) Advocate (O! the irony!) my husband has near-personal experience with the genuinely disturbing and criminal manifestations of BDSM. The kind that is etymologically sound, in that there is actual bondage, domination, sadism and, to a far lesser extent, masochism. His sister's mind is warped beyond all repair because of it. There are the freaks out there who utilize the external accoutrements of BDSM for their own (truly) depraved ends, just as there are freaks out there who look at a child and see a sex toy, not a near-perfect human being.

Every demographic has its extreme deviants, its perverts, its downright diabolical. I'll be the first to raise my hand when someone asks "who has roleplayed vampirism in the bedroom, complete with potible stage blood?" However, I've not gone so far as Vlad Tepes, who gathered the crimson mojo from the small rivers flowing down his impaled victims' stakes, and drank that.

'Cause that's just fucked up.

 

[bennmorland85]

The flip side would be to date only people in the lifestyle, but that community is so small out here that I fear I might end up an old widow with 12 cats before finding a suitable mate. I am not at all opposed to learning the lifestyle alongside another newbie if they have the same innate tendency towards Domming their SO that I have towards submitting to my SO. And it's not too hard to weed out the dominant types from the passive ones. The problem lies in discriminating who amoungst those personalities are willing to delve into the world of power exchange, rough play, and SM that most others in the lifestyle assume will exist but many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

I post any of this only because Benn's away and not checking this site. Otherwise, I'd never let it be shown anywhere. As it is, I might just edit it away once I get a reply from you (who asked the question).

When I met Benn I about nine months into the local BDSM scene. Maastricht has a surprisingly vibrant community in those regards, although I have none of the English-language terminology (they speak Dutch Over There), so don't ask about the differences. Another reason why it's best probably not to ask is because once I met Benn I abandoned it.

Why? you may ask. I shall tell you. I was having the best sex I'd ever had in that BDSM lair. (Yup, lair. We'd rent out a basement club located in an old Renaissance-era dungeon. Still had the chains and all, but they were rusted shut. Great atmosphere!) Even had a few nights where couples and trios circulated about, trying out new things and people.

But I found that once I found Benn I didn't need those things anymore to make me enjoy life in bed. And things have pretty much stayed in-bed. Except for -- let me count here -- eighteen times in the past four years, it's been sheets, sheets and more sheets!

So, my advice to you is the following: Be open about it. Don't hide it, but don't bring it up either until you personal feel it's that time where it's "whip or get off the scaffold." You may find someone with whom you don't need the BDSM to have the most earth-shattering cums possible.

 

[chris9]

Maybe it would be better to bring it up as soon as possible. Not only because you don't want to spend much time on working out a relationship that has no common basis. I feel it would also be unfair for the man you're dating. If both spend time together, like each other, are thinking about becoming a couple, the time spent is not the worst sacrifice. There probably will be feelings involved. So building up a relationship, pretending all is well, that there is nothing more to it and then coming out of the closet has a high potential of injuring him. You, too, for that matter. Because even if you feel that a relationship with only D and without BSM is not for you, you, too, might have feelings for him that make it even harder to first tell him and second move out of the relationship when he's not into it.

 

[Killishandra]

First of all, it's nice to see you here on this board, Kate.

I try to keep myself open to all the wonderful possibilities that life can throw at me. Including the unexpected ones! However, the main difference I see between your situation and mine is that your interest in BDSM sounds like it was mostly sexual... Mine is certainly sexual as well, but it permeates much deeper in my relationships. I'm not just in it for the hot, kinky sex... I might indeed find someone "vanilla" with whom I can have the

most earth-shattering cums possible.

The question is, can I have an earth-shattering relationship if it is missing (for me) one of the most crucial elements??

 

[Killishandra]

Maybe it would be better to bring it up as soon as possible. Not only because you don't want to spend much time on working out a relationship that has no common basis. I feel it would also be unfair for the man you're dating. If both spend time together, like each other, are thinking about becoming a couple, the time spent is not the worst sacrifice. There probably will be feelings involved. So building up a relationship, pretending all is well, that there is nothing more to it and then coming out of the closet has a high potential of injuring him. You, too, for that matter. Because even if you feel that a relationship with only D and without BSM is not for you, you, too, might have feelings for him that make it even harder to first tell him and second move out of the relationship when he's not into it.

And this is the attitude I am leaning towards myself, Chris. I knew great minds think alike.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

The pool of possible Doms can be made greater by posting a personal on websites that are BDSM themed.

I placed a personal on Collarme, and I did have to deal with a few phonies, and idiots, but after getting past the bottom feeders, I found my little girl, and the rest is BDSM history. I had also posted an ad on ALT.com, but removed it quickly because I was getting bullshit replies to it, mostly prostitutes.

The key to finding someone through the personals is to be completely honest and direct in your desires.

It is my opinion that if you seek to find someone in the lifestyle, then throw your line where you will get a bite from someone that likes biting!

 

[Kierae]

I know sometime soon I am going to have to explain my orientation again, this time to a male who is going to graduate from the Police Academy in two weeks. And I can't help but think that someone who is making a career as a police officer would steer widely clear of BDSM activities just because of their common (and unfortunate) connotations, no matter how dominant the man is.

From my experience, I have found quite a few of the medical field, police/law, and firemen crew fairly open to kink. I think part of this stems from working in an environment that "thrives" off of edginess. They tend to need to find that adrenaline jolt in other parts of their lives.

I don't think there is any pat answer of when to bring the subject up. I know that I had no issues being open about any of my other preferences/kinks but I never discussed my bdsm inclinations/history until I really trusted a person (which ironically did not include a couple of ex husbands and should have been my first clue ).

Listen to your gut instinct and go with it - you will know when it is right to test the waters.

 

[Panache1957]

When do you think it is prudent/sensible to tell someone you are dating about BDSM? I am currently not dating anyone, but I have been thinking about this alot lately. Do you think something like BDSM should/can be brought up from the start (meaning the first time you hang out with someone for an extended period of time) if both parties are interested in each other? I'm hesitant about investing much time in someone only to have them recoil in horror when I explain I am a submissive. Or, learn that "BDSM-style" Domming is something they absolutely cannot see themselves doing.

The flip side would be to date only people in the lifestyle, but that community is so small out here that I fear I might end up an old widow with 12 cats before finding a suitable mate. I am not at all opposed to learning the lifestyle alongside another newbie if they have the same innate tendency towards Domming their SO that I have towards submitting to my SO. And it's not too hard to weed out the dominant types from the passive ones. The problem lies in discriminating who amoungst those personalities are willing to delve into the world of power exchange, rough play, and SM that most others in the lifestyle assume will exist but many vanillas would run screaming (and confused) from.

I believe, speaking as an experienced Dom, that normally during your initial and subsequent conversations of getting to know the person, there are certainly tell tale signs of the sexual leanings of your prospective partner. I would paraphrase the old adage of "if you have to ask how much someting costs; you can't afford it" to "if you feel the need to explain who/what you are; they are probably not going to understand". I have long ago stopped trying to convince the vanilla population that we really are not card carrying members of "wife and women beaters" club, the fact IS, that we, as Dominants understand COMPLETELY that the real "power" in the relationship rests in the hands of the sub. She willingly gives over to the Dom because they both have inherent trust in each other and what better foundation to a relationship than that?

 

[subbie_333]

When do you think it is prudent/sensible to tell someone you are dating about BDSM? <snip>

i am of the opinion that it is better to first determine if the person is *probably* tolerable or accepting towards BDSM. We don't need to go over the bad ramiifications that can happen when some people find out about your interest/involvement in BDSM. So, i recommend against telling someone about your involvement until you are pretty sure they won't freak.

So, i recommend that you feel them out about how they feel about alternative lifestyles, government involvement/intrusion into personal lifestyle, and, how open they are to changing their mind about something. Look for attitudes and catch phrases in how they talk about current events. See what they think about gay marriage, abortion, pornography, etc. If they are accepting of those things, have a "live and let live" attitude, or show that they haven't quite made up their mind, then, things look good. But, if they are not tolerant/accepting of those things, or, show an inflexibility about hearing other opinions or changing their mind, then, things don't look so good.

If you have your heart set on having a BDSM relationship, then, you have to be willing to explore their acceptance of BDSM early and be willing to move on quickly if things aren't going to work out.


subbie_333

 

[Killishandra]

The pool of possible Doms can be made greater by posting a personal on websites that are BDSM themed.

I placed a personal on Collarme, and I did have to deal with a few phonies, and idiots, but after getting past the bottom feeders, I found my little girl, and the rest is BDSM history. I had also posted an ad on ALT.com, but removed it quickly because I was getting bullshit replies to it, mostly prostitutes.

The key to finding someone through the personals is to be completely honest and direct in your desires.

It is my opinion that if you seek to find someone in the lifestyle, then throw your line where you will get a bite from someone that likes biting!

Although I still maintain a presence on Collarme, I have discontinued my search there for a Dom. My last (and only) two D/s relationships were forged through that site. My alt account was deleted after only a few days for reasons similar to yours.

The reason I've discontinued my use of Collarme is not because I do not think there are Doms on that site for whom I might be a good match... It is because I have already inquired with the few Hawaii-based male Dominants it lists (there are very few, around a dozen) that I was interested in. And at the moment I don't have the energy or trust to forge another long-distance relationship. All I use it for now is emailing back and forth with Dominants and submissives that I have made friendships with over the last half-year or so of using the site.

However, I must say that seeing how happy you and Sinn (and others such as Catalina and Francesco) are gives me hope for myself if I choose to use personals sites again in the future. Heck, Marquis and I met through that site, and even though we aren't together I am still eternally grateful to Collarme for introducing us. I wouldn't change that for the world.

 

[Killishandra]

From my experience, I have found quite a few of the medical field, police/law, and firemen crew fairly open to kink. I think part of this stems from working in an environment that "thrives" off of edginess. They tend to need to find that adrenaline jolt in other parts of their lives.

I don't think there is any pat answer of when to bring the subject up. I know that I had no issues being open about any of my other preferences/kinks but I never discussed my bdsm inclinations/history until I really trusted a person (which ironically did not include a couple of ex husbands and should have been my first clue ).

Listen to your gut instinct and go with it - you will know when it is right to test the waters.

Actually, I just got back from hanging out with my cop friend... I decided it was time to throw a few hints his way as to my preferences, and I think he took them quite well. He's a very stoic and even-tempered guy, so it's sometimes hard for me to figure out what is going on in that head of his... But I think I even detected some piqued interest when I dropped those hints. And at the end of the night he told me again how much he likes me, so I must not have scared him off too much.

 

[Netzach]

I believe in swimming in the pool however small it is. I don't think you need to worry about crazy cat lady widhowhood, Killi. Seriously. Hang where the perverts hang, even if it means doing some traveling to do it. There are very interesting people at conventions who may be outside the mainstrem of BDSM (renfaire goth and sci fi doesn't do it for me, sorry I love you all, but...)

I believe in bringing this subject up right away, pronto. I don't care who thinks I'm insane, they won't get a second date. When I used that napkin phone number and called M for the first time, I didn't know which side of the whip he liked, and thought he leaned top, but thought to give it a shot. HAD he been anything other than the bisexual omega bottom boy he is, I would have said, hey see ya around, but we're going to be friends at best, because that's the only thing which will work for me over the long haul.

Open minded, understanding, tolerant vanilla, good in bed, but just about utterly vanilla?

Been there done that didn't work.

I would not be able to be with a partner who "could be persuaded" to tie me up and do things to me if those were my needs, especially if it were just some societal tick of "men do this and like it." That would never be actual dominance, it would tickle the itch and never scratch it.

I used to let the vanilla dude top me because he was ok with that and hey, it was at least SOMETHING like the hot SM scenes going through my head. It was kind of like eating lukewarm soup for me. It might tide me over, but it wasn't what I wanted.

Bottoming is fortunately, tres chic among the elite these days. I'd just ask dates early on as possible "did you see Secretary?" see what happens.

 

[Killishandra]

I believe, speaking as an experienced Dom, that normally during your initial and subsequent conversations of getting to know the person, there are certainly tell tale signs of the sexual leanings of your prospective partner. I would paraphrase the old adage of "if you have to ask how much someting costs; you can't afford it" to "if you feel the need to explain who/what you are; they are probably not going to understand". I have long ago stopped trying to convince the vanilla population that we really are not card carrying members of "wife and women beaters" club, the fact IS, that we, as Dominants understand COMPLETELY that the real "power" in the relationship rests in the hands of the sub. She willingly gives over to the Dom because they both have inherent trust in each other and what better foundation to a relationship than that?

I think we SHOULD all be card-carrying members of some sort... Then I could just casually leave my wallet open near prospective dates and if they ask me what "BDSM" is I'll tell them to go look it up on the internet and get back to me.

Seriously, though... I understand what you're saying about having to explain ourselves to people, but I do think that understanding has to start somewhere. Sometimes it really is necessary to explain, even in graphic detail, exactly what is meant by "I am a submissive/bottom/top/Dominant/switch/etc." Just because they don't understand at first, just because you HAD to explain in the first place, doesn't mean the person or people in question won't eventually come to accept or even participate in it. People suppress their own desires, especially when it is something as un-PC as being a sadist or masochist. Even being a submissive is very un-PC in many circles. Being Dominant isn't, but sometimes being "a" Dominant is... and I don't think I have to explain the implied difference when I say that!

 

[Killishandra]

i am of the opinion that it is better to first determine if the person is *probably* tolerable or accepting towards BDSM. We don't need to go over the bad ramiifications that can happen when some people find out about your interest/involvement in BDSM. So, i recommend against telling someone about your involvement until you are pretty sure they won't freak.

So, i recommend that you feel them out about how they feel about alternative lifestyles, government involvement/intrusion into personal lifestyle, and, how open they are to changing their mind about something. Look for attitudes and catch phrases in how they talk about current events. See what they think about gay marriage, abortion, pornography, etc. If they are accepting of those things, have a "live and let live" attitude, or show that they haven't quite made up their mind, then, things look good. But, if they are not tolerant/accepting of those things, or, show an inflexibility about hearing other opinions or changing their mind, then, things don't look so good.

If you have your heart set on having a BDSM relationship, then, you have to be willing to explore their acceptance of BDSM early and be willing to move on quickly if things aren't going to work out.


subbie_333

This is how I'm coming to see it, I guess... If I become friends with someone first, then there is time to feel things out... Perhaps, as you suggest, find out where their attitude lies on other similarly controversial topics and go from there. However, if someone asks me out on a date in the future and I say yes right off the bat, I don't think the evening is going to end without me finding out if BDSM is something they express at least SOME interest in... And if not, I might have to explain that, hey, some things were just not meant to be. If they think I'm crazy and never call me again, well at least I'm not losing an established friendship. And I didn't want a second date anyway, right?

 

[Killishandra]

I believe in swimming in the pool however small it is. I don't think you need to worry about crazy cat lady widhowhood, Killi. Seriously. Hang where the perverts hang, even if it means doing some traveling to do it. There are very interesting people at conventions who may be outside the mainstrem of BDSM (renfaire goth and sci fi doesn't do it for me, sorry I love you all, but...)

I believe in bringing this subject up right away, pronto. I don't care who thinks I'm insane, they won't get a second date. When I used that napkin phone number and called M for the first time, I didn't know which side of the whip he liked, and thought he leaned top, but thought to give it a shot. HAD he been anything other than the bisexual omega bottom boy he is, I would have said, hey see ya around, but we're going to be friends at best, because that's the only thing which will work for me over the long haul.

Open minded, understanding, tolerant vanilla, good in bed, but just about utterly vanilla?

Been there done that didn't work.

I would not be able to be with a partner who "could be persuaded" to tie me up and do things to me if those were my needs, especially if it were just some societal tick of "men do this and like it." That would never be actual dominance, it would tickle the itch and never scratch it.

I used to let the vanilla dude top me because he was ok with that and hey, it was at least SOMETHING like the hot SM scenes going through my head. It was kind of like eating lukewarm soup for me. It might tide me over, but it wasn't what I wanted.

Bottoming is fortunately, tres chic among the elite these days. I'd just ask dates early on as possible "did you see Secretary?" see what happens.

I've never seen "Secretary", but your post just gave me a good idea... If I can get my hands on the movie, perhaps I can use it as a screener for dates, lol. "Hey what do you want to do tonight?" "I dunno. Wanna watch a movie?" "Sure, which one?" "Oh don't worry... I'll bring something over..."

I also would really like to go to some sort of fetish convention... Perhaps if I save up enough money I could visit one on the mainland. But to go to one of those things all by myself? I'm sure I'd meet people and make friends, but that sounds like a lonely vacation. I'd be really nervous to travel that far and go to a pervert convention all by my lonesome.

Also, I'm afraid of (as you said) being with someone who is topping me only because it is my need and not because it is his. Which is another reason why it is tricky to determine the when, what, and how much to say about BDSM... If someone really likes me, I think they might express interest in it just to seem to be more like what I'm looking for. How to tell the real ones from the phonies??