When They're Doing It "Just Because you Like It"

[Chicklet]

When I was younger I always liked to play power games. My friends and I used to tie each other up, play "kidnapping" and such like that. I discovered BDSM when I was thirteen and began to read as much about it as I could, and it began to dominate my fantasies.

My first boyfriend was interested in my fantasies, and he began to play along. I enjoyed it so much, I can't even put it in to words. But then he said something that made my enjoyment sort of fall through the floor. "I'm only doing this because you like it."

He didn't ge ANY pleasure out of it, he said. He hated it, he just did it because it turned *me* on.

So, the next boyfriend. We played some BDSM, and again I really enjoyed it. Until he said those SAME magic words, and all my pleasure seemed to drain out of me. He was only doing it because I liked it.

Now, my third boyfriend, and current. We play sometimes, but not often. Sometimes I feel like he's enjoying it, other times I think he's only doing it for me. I'm afraid of the same thing happening as before.

Strange(?) comments about myself. Whenever I fantasize, I'm thinking about BDSM. Whenever I'm having sex, no matter what kind, I'm always playing in my head. I yearn for a D/s relationship, but I'm afraid I'm never going to find one.

Now, I guess my question is, for all of you folks out there, has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Is there a way for someone who can't seem to find enjoyment in vanilla sex to settle down without BDSM being involved? My boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex very often. We're only intimate about three times a month...I feel that it's because the only things that turn me on are BDSM related. Does anyone have any suggestions or words of advice?

Chicklet

 

[Lancecastor]

Originally posted by Chicklet , with input in bold from Lance Castor, "The Love Doctor" seen Fridays at 8 Eastern right here on CBS.


Now, I guess my question is, for all of you folks out there, has this ever happened to you?

Nope.


Is there a way for someone who can't seem to find enjoyment in vanilla sex to settle down without BDSM being involved?

Nope.


My boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex very often. We're only intimate about three times a month...

Your boyfriend has a valid complaint. ....unless your are 86.


I feel that it's because the only things that turn me on are BDSM related. Does anyone have any suggestions or words of advice?

Two Things:

1. Have lots more sex, like 3 times a day at least.

2. Start looking for Boyfriend Version 4.0; he should be cumming soon.

 

[NemoAlia]

Last night, after months of nothing-but-nilla, my boyfriend and I had our first (very mild) D/s moment. And the whole time, I was wondering, "Is he enjoying this? Or is he only doing it 'cause I like it?"

The thing is, I'm very open about what I fantasize. I am also very open about my past experiences. I think that my history in BDSM intimidates him a little, since he considers himself relatively unkinked but he doesn't want to disappoint me. Moreover, I think he falls into the category of people who are ambivalent about the Domination/Abuse question.

Last night, however (through some Divine Inspiration, I guess) I happened to say, "Domination isn't abuse! It's when two people have high standards, and one person helps the other one achieve them." (Well, of course this isn't a very complete description of D/s, but I gave it in a much broader, untypable context.) Apparently something clicked in his mind. He thought, "Hm. Does that mean that if I Dominated you, I could make you stop using Chap-Stick?" Well, yes, but there are other things that would necessarily go with it.

And so we tried some of those other things, and I had a wonderful time!

However, now that I'm wandering around with a 24-hour chap on the surface of my lips, I'm wondering how serious this D/s thing is for him. Is he only doing it 'cause he knows I like it -- 'cause he's afraid he won't be able to 'satisfy' me otherwise?

I'd hate to think so. Especially when you're a sub, it's important to know that you're giving your Dom/me pleasure. Otherwise, what's the point? You might as well be visiting a BDSM vending machine, for all the personal connection that's being made.

So, Chicklet, now that I've rambled all over your thread, I suppose I ought at least to attempt a response to your post. I know what you mean about the disappointment involved in being told, "I'm only doing this because you like it." But how can we avoid that disappointment? I don't know. The best suggestion I can give (and I hope it works -- for me as much as for you!) is to say beforehand, "It's not worth doing unless you enjoy it," and then to figure out ways in which s/he would be able to enjoy it, too.

Still, it can be very frustrating. Especially when you're head over heels about someone, and your sexual fantasies are the only thing keeping you apart. You don't want to drop a relationship because one of you feels outdone by the other person's fantasies. However, you don't want just to humor each other. Sex should be a mutual passion. How can we strike a middle, happy ground?

 

[P. B. Walker]

Have you told your current boyfriend the same thing you just told us? What was his response? Does he know you have these strong feels for BDSM? Does he realized you can't be satisfied with just plain vanilla sex? If you are to have any hope of keeping your current relationship alive and long lasting, I personally think you should consider communicating with him fully. Do you know what his kinks are? Maybe he is into this too.

I can understand your fear of "those magic words", but think about it... are you ever going to be happy with the relationship as it is now... will you be happy 5 years from now? 10? 15? I think you get my point. You might as well get it out of the way now, rather than go on for many years hating life.

And it is not the end of the world if he is not into BDSM or is not turned on by it. YOu might also get him some reading material so that he FULLY knows what BDSM is all about so that he can make a fully informed decision. If he is still not into it, then you can either a) separate and move on, or b) see if he minds you finding a "play partner", or c) continue on in your current state.

Finding a BDSM play partner is not as difficult as you may think. For that matter, finding a new boyfriend that is it BDSM isn't either.

I think you will just end up hating yourself if you continue this without approaching him. Also, don't kid yourself into thinking you can just push these feelings aside. THey will resurface eventually.

Best of luck.

PBW

 

[cymbidia]

Ahem.

I recently left a 21 year marriage. He wasn't terrible. He wasn't a monster. (Errr, sorry, monster.) There wasn't anything really awful about him. He's a nice man and a good dad to our kids. He and i have a much better friendship now than we did for many of those 21 years while we pretended to be be good marriage partners to and for each other. He's a fine, good, intelligent, kind, caring man.

But definitely unkinked.
Unkinked to the max.
He's Mr TotallyNotKinkedMan, in the flesh.

Here's the bottom line: you cannot ask or expect a partner to be kinked. They cannot ask or expect you not to be kinked. You have to be who you are or, trust me on this, you will not manage to be content on a basic level in the years to come.

Find someone who matches you in most ways.
Keep looking until you find them.
Don't settle.

 

[SexyChele]

Hey Chicklet! Good to see you here!

Really, I think the best advice is what PBW has said - communicate. Yeah, it can be scary because this boyfriend might say he's just doing it to please you as well, but there are lots and lots of Doms out there, believe me! It's just a matter of wading through them and finding the "one" you click with.

I've been in your situation, though, with a man who was engaging in a "little" BDSM because I liked it. At first, the idea turned him on, and he really wanted to get involved. But even though we were doing very light stuff (light, light bondage and spanking, actually), I noticed a real reluctance on his part. I stopped the action and he admitted that it wasn't as thrilling as he had expected. He was afraid of losing control and really hurting me.

I personally enjoy vanilla sex, so to engage in that is not that big a deal for me. But if you truly get nothing out of 'nilla sex, there is no way you are going to be able to "force" yourself. And besides, you are doing what you don't like him to be doing : engaging in something just because it makes him happy.

Going back to the beginning, I would talk to your boyfriend. Give him some links to BDSM to read up on. Once he realizes the full scope of the lifestyle, he might develop an interest in learning more. But if he doesn't, then you have a decision to make. But the important thing is to talk to him, openly and honestly.

 

[Lancecastor]

Find someone who matches you in most ways.
Keep looking until you find them.
Don't settle.

HetMen tend to do things just to please their women...

HetWomen tend to try and train/change their men....

I suggest that both tendencies have a low rate of success.

Lance

 

[Trainerman]

Underlining

The really good advice above. For me I think PBW said it very well and to return to an old theme...its that communication thing again. As someone said....better now than later.

To put a slightly different slant on things......I have many times done things about which I am ambivalent just because it works for my partner (different ones, over the years..nilla and not)...and usually the only thing needed to turn me on is for her to be turned on. So if he is ambivalent it maybe possible to 'meet' somewhere, but if he really hates it..then my view is that is all surely doomed to be unsatisfactory for both of you. Sorry.

Good luck...I hope happiness finds you


Dave

 

[CarolineOh]

When I was younger I always liked to play power games. My friends and I used to tie each other up, play "kidnapping" and such like that. I discovered BDSM when I was thirteen and began to read as much about it as I could, and it began to dominate my fantasies.

My first boyfriend was interested in my fantasies, and he began to play along. I enjoyed it so much, I can't even put it in to words. But then he said something that made my enjoyment sort of fall through the floor. "I'm only doing this because you like it."

He didn't ge ANY pleasure out of it, he said. He hated it, he just did it because it turned *me* on.

So, the next boyfriend. We played some BDSM, and again I really enjoyed it. Until he said those SAME magic words, and all my pleasure seemed to drain out of me. He was only doing it because I liked it.

Now, my third boyfriend, and current. We play sometimes, but not often. Sometimes I feel like he's enjoying it, other times I think he's only doing it for me. I'm afraid of the same thing happening as before.

Strange(?) comments about myself. Whenever I fantasize, I'm thinking about BDSM. Whenever I'm having sex, no matter what kind, I'm always playing in my head. I yearn for a D/s relationship, but I'm afraid I'm never going to find one.

Now, I guess my question is, for all of you folks out there, has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Is there a way for someone who can't seem to find enjoyment in vanilla sex to settle down without BDSM being involved? My boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex very often. We're only intimate about three times a month...I feel that it's because the only things that turn me on are BDSM related. Does anyone have any suggestions or words of advice?

Chicklet

From what you've said here, it seems like you are gun shy, that because the previous boyfriends said those "magic words" you assume your current one will as well, but so far, that is still an assumption, not a fact.
I know it's scary to ask the question when you are afraid of the answer, but I believe you owe it to him, and yourself, to discuss this with him openly.
Perhaps he is more interested than you suspect, but is retcent to bring it up himself. maybe he has misconceptions about bdsm. That was the situation with Sam and I, his impression of what it meant to have a D/s relationship was based on the commone negative stereotypes, but when he learned that there is no standard that must be met, no outer imposed rules we must conform to, he began to explore with an open mind.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I have read your stories and followed your beautiful picture threads, and I am very pleased to see you participating in this forum.

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Underlining

...and usually the only thing needed to turn me on is for her to be turned on.

Agreed, Dave....corollary: in that case, you're not really doing it "just" because she wants you to.

~~~~~~~~


Anytime a guy starts saying it right out loud....in the bedroom....that he's only doing her a certain way because she asks....that's not a good sign.

I don't care how much sugar-coating and support *hugs* you'll see here, chicklet...your man is either a fool or he's lost interest.

Some things are simply the wisdom of the ages.

Maybe it's time to tell him you need some "space" for a while to think about things...then find a guy who wears black to be seen with by one of his friends.

Surely you know how this boy-grrl stuff works, right? ;-)

All the best; if you wanna know...ask.
Lance

 

[Georgia Girl]

To some extent I believe we would all love to find that "perfect one" to be with and thats not an easy thing to find. In finding a partner comparible interest are important but within that same framework there needs to be some differences to allow for growth.

If one partner is rigid in what their boundaries are and not willing to explore it makes for dissatifaction for both parties because you don't have that sense of being able to achieve something different and looking at the sex you had on Monday being the same as what is projected for Thursday is miserable.

I've had it happen to me just as others have. But I had to be honest with myself, in out in out in out cum snore does not interest me. If that is the highest achievement on the sexual scale I'll just masturbate, if nothing else I'll get the toys out and get kinky with myself.

Dawn

 

[SierraMoon]

i don't know if this is the correct place to say this, but.....
one of the reasons that i am not seeing my Dom right now, is because he said a similar thing to me... we were talking about our relationship, and what it meant to us (we had already started having problems), and he said " i don't really get much out of our sessions, but you seemed to enjoy it" so i said back to him "well, if we aren't both getting something out of playing, then why do it?" and the rest is history......

 

[Chicklet]

Needed A Big Cup Of Coffee To Write This One...

I'm wondering how serious this D/s thing is for him. Is he only doing it 'cause he knows I like it -- 'cause he's afraid he won't be able to 'satisfy' me otherwise?

I'm afraid every time I talk to my boyfriend about BDSM because of this...I don't want him to think he's not going to "satisfy" me unless he dominates me, because I don't want to push anyone into a dominating role.

At one point we'd found sort of a middle ground, where he would tie me up for an hour (not as long as I'd like!) and then untie me and we'd have sex. He didn't have to do anything, just sit back and read, and it still excited me...but it didn't do anything for him and it seemed as though it wasn't enough for me.

I'd hate to think so. Especially when you're a sub, it's important to know that you're giving your Dom/me pleasure. Otherwise, what's the point? You might as well be visiting a BDSM vending machine, for all the personal connection that's being made.

Exactly, EXACTLY!

You don't want to drop a relationship because one of you feels outdone by the other person's fantasies. However, you don't want just to humor each other. Sex should be a mutual passion. How can we strike a middle, happy ground?

sigh...

Have you told your current boyfriend the same thing you just told us? What was his response?

I have, and he says "I wouldn't do anything if I didn't enjoy it" but at the same time I see something in his eyes that's telling me otherwise.

Does he know you have these strong feels for BDSM? Does he realized you can't be satisfied with just plain vanilla sex?

I think he does and I think he realizes it, but I don't think either of us really know what to do with this information. It always ends up being "How important IS sex?"

... are you ever going to be happy with the relationship as it is now... will you be happy 5 years from now? 10? 15? I think you get my point. You might as well get it out of the way now, rather than go on for many years hating life.

My mother said something similar, along the lines of "if you two aren't going to get married then you're wasting your time." My boyfriend responded to her that no time with me is considered wasted, and even if we don't end up happily ever after our relationship wouldn't have been a waste. I agree. I love him, and that means a lot to me. I'm torn between wanting sexual satisfaction and wanting...well, my boyfriend.

Finding a BDSM play partner is not as difficult as you may think.

I've thought about this, and I've brought it up with my boyfriend. He doesn't want me to be with any other men, and I understand, since I don't want him to be with any other women. I've half-heartedly looked for some female doms, but they're a little hard to come by, around here...

Thanks everyone who responded

----------------------

So some more of what I'm feeling is that I've never been in a D/s relationship, but I really want to be. I'm afraid that I'll never get to try all the things I want, but I don't want to ditch my boyfriend of three plus years for sexual reasons...I feel horribly guilty about it! GUILT GUILT GUILT! Argh...

I will see if he'll read up on some of the stuff I have and maybe that will change some of his ideas.

Chicklet

 

[Ebonyfire]

OK, here is my opinion

I have to agree with PBW & others who have said just about the same thing.

Women do themselves and their partners a disservice by not communicating their own needs. You cannot read your partner 's mind. So, you must tell him what you need in the relationship and you must ask him what is it he needs.

You may or maynot get the answer you want, but isn't that better than being in doubt?

Preservation of the relationship should not be the primary goal. Unhappy people have unhappy and unfulling relationships. Don't believe me, just look around you.

Communicate. Ask for what you want and need, and if he cannot provide it, then it is up to you to do what is right for you.

Life is short, do not waste it.

Ebony

 

[Chicklet]

Re: OK, here is my opinion

Life is short, do not waste it.

Ebony

Excellent advice, Ebony.

I'm planning to start a conversation with my boyfriend when he gets up. I don't know what I will do if he says he doesn't want the same things that I do...but knowing how he feels will be an excellent start.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: OK, here is my opinion

Excellent advice, Ebony.

I'm planning to start a conversation with my boyfriend when he gets up. I don't know what I will do if he says he doesn't want the same things that I do...but knowing how he feels will be an excellent start.

Oh yeah.

A positive note...

This is what I do to dsffuse a potentially heated discussion caused the the feeling he is being criticised.

1. Have the discussion in a non threatening venue, (not in anywhere near the bedroom).

2. Use lots of "I" language.

Example: "I feel when I ask you to bite my neck that I may be asking you to do something that you find hard to do. Am I right?"

3. Smile.

4. Tell him what he does that knocks your socks off first. (Guess this should be number one.

Hope this helps.

Eb

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: Re: Re: OK, here is my opinion

Oh yeah.

A positive note...

This is what I do to dsffuse a potentially heated discussion caused the the feeling he is being criticised.

1. Have the discussion in a non threatening venue, (not in anywhere near the bedroom).

2. Use lots of "I" language.

Example: "I feel when I ask you to bite my neck that I may be asking you to do something that you find hard to do. Am I right?"

3. Smile.

4. Tell him what he does that knocks your socks off first. (Guess this should be number one.

Hope this helps.

Eb

And possibly have a pot of his favourite coffee ready?
Serve him a cup (or two) first to make sure he is awake.


Good luck

 

[Chicklet]

Re: Re: Re: Re: OK, here is my opinion

And possibly have a pot of his favourite coffee ready?
Serve him a cup (or two) first to make sure he is awake.


Good luck

sadly he doesn't drink coffee

maybe I should wait until after he's taken a shower? He's usually more awake then...

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: OK, here is my opinion

sadly he doesn't drink coffee

maybe I should wait until after he's taken a shower? He's usually more awake then...

might be an idea

you want him awake!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: OK, here is my opinion

sadly he doesn't drink coffee

maybe I should wait until after he's taken a shower? He's usually more awake then...

Take him out to lunch?

Eb

 

[Chicklet]

Maybe I should wait until I have some cash, go find some good bread, and make him french toast? I make a killer french toast...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Maybe I should wait until I have some cash, go find some good bread, and make him french toast? I make a killer french toast...

You just made a very good point. It is important to pick the right moment to have this talk. This might not be the right time.

Eb

 

[Chicklet]

..the problem with "the right time"...

The problem about the "right time" thing is that it's so easy to put this in the back of my mind, and not bother with it for months. He and I have been going out for three years, living together for two, and I've always had these feelings about our situation. I've tried to approach the subject, but it's never felt like the right time...and if/when I chicken out it'll be months before I feel up to bringing the topic to the surface again.

I want it to be the right time, but what if the right time never comes?

Chicklet

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: ..the problem with "the right time"...

The problem about the "right time" thing is that it's so easy to put this in the back of my mind, and not bother with it for months. He and I have been going out for three years, living together for two, and I've always had these feelings about our situation. I've tried to approach the subject, but it's never felt like the right time...and if/when I chicken out it'll be months before I feel up to bringing the topic to the surface again.

I want it to be the right time, but what if the right time never comes?

Chicklet

You answered it.

Forget the french toast. The right time must be now.

Go for it.

Eb

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Re: ..the problem with "the right time"...

You answered it.

Forget the french toast. The right time must be now.

Go for it.

Good advice.

For me, the right time is when i feel the need to say it, whatever it is, as an irresistable force in my world.

Over a year ago, i sat in my home office and told my then-husband that it was time for us to divorce, that there was no going back, that i would not change my mind, that no additional counseling would help.

That was hours before we had to attend an enormously important business function, important to him, anyway. I was the consummately perfect corporate executive wife so i guess it was important to me, too. It wasn't the best of times for that declaration--but it needed to be said then.

Say it, darlin'.
Just get it said.