When Jealousy raises it's ugly head.

[Carl East]

I'd like to know how any of you have handled jealousy, being a relatively new thing to me, I didn't like the feelings I was getting. So, instead of listening and trying to understand I blew my top, making, what turned out to be a harmless situation, into something it never needed to be.

Carl.

________________________________

Loving you was easy, finding you was hard.



[Edited by Carl East on 08-11-2000 at 09:58 AM]

 

[morgainefairy]

well, you didn't give much in the way of specifics but...
when it comes to attraction or sexuality and my partner i try to remember i'm not meant to have everything that can be offered. lots of people like lots of things and we don't spend our lives in a cave w/ one other human.
that's why we have friends and lovers and share our lives w/ our family and children. there is so much beauty to go around.
if you are feeling jealous, it is probably that you feel you are not able to adequately fulfill something to another person. remember, there is nothing wrong with that. you cannot be everything to everybody...or even one person for that matter.
just remind yourself of the wonderful qualities you DO have and think of how wonderful will be the next occasion at which you get to share them.

i doesn't have anything to do with an innocent or not situation...it has only to do with yourself.

 

[dusk2dawn]

When I ended up being jealous, I ended up having to sit my x-b/f down and have a talk with him. It was hard but it got out my feeling (without yelling) and it got him to understand why I was acting the way I was.

 

[CreamyLady]

I recognize it for what it is. My lover once asked me if I really minded if he talked about the gorgeous women he worked with (I'm not gorgeous). I told him that yes, it bothered me, but that he paid for it one way or another -- the gold necklace at Christmas, for instance. We both had a good laugh. He talks about the ladies; I tell him about my fellow art students. I pay for THAT.

Possessiveness is another matter. I'm not particularly possessive -- I cannot "own" another person -- and kick like a mule if someone applies that standard to me.

You didn't state exactly what happened, so I'm not sure if the above is at all helpful.

 

[Carl East]

I really just wanted your thoughts on jealousy, and how you've dealt with it.

Carl.

_____________________________

Loving you was easy, finding you was hard.

 

[Bliss]

Come on guys! Carl doesn't need to air the dirty laundry to get the comfort & advice!

Obviously, from what he did say, he overstepped in some way & got snapped at.

I agree with CL on this one. The more you try to put chains on someone, the more they will chafe at the bit. Woohoo, nothing like a mixed metaphor.

Carl, my SO and I do occasionally rile one another with petty jealousies but we have a very "talk it all out" kind of relationship and there's nothing we can't say and I believe that that is the key.

Don't be afraid to express yourself, but don't let the green monster get the better of you too often.

If someone does something that unravels your security blankie, let her know.

Best Wishes,

Payne

 

[Savage Kitten]

I've always seen jealousy as a lack of trust, and where there is little or no trust a relationship can not survive or thrive

Carl, why is it that you do not trust this person? deal with that then you will be able to deal with the jealousy

 

[SimplySouthern]

I don't believe that jealousy is always a lack of trust. Often, people can be jealous as a result of their own insecurities. I have met people (ummm...I could be included here)that don't believe they are worthy of the love and/or affection that anohter person in bestowing up on them, and for that reason are always under the impression that they are only "temporary" until the other perosn finds someone new. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.

My only advice on how to conquer this is to, first of all...get a little more self esteem. Easier said than done...its taken me FOREVER. Second, if you happen to be in a relationship with a person like this, it might be to your advantage to make sure you "stroke the ego" a little every day.

Without making this post into the longest one I have ever had..I read this book on the 5 "languages" of love. It was the best relationship book I ever read. It said that every person falls into one category of how the give and feel love.

1 ~ Physical Touch
2 ~ Saying Nice Things
3 ~ Gift Giving
4 ~ Acts of Service (doing things for people)
5 ~ Quality Time

Basically, the book said that people gue and accept love on one of these 5 premises. You r job (as a prospective mate) was to find out which of these ways your partner used/needed and make sure you pay attention to "giving it to them" (pun intended) in that manner. Some people are a combination...so..look carefully.

I found it to be true with myself and with other people that I have seen. Myself, I am a Quality Time/Saying nice Things person. I need both these things to feel loved.

I have turned this into a moster post...sorry!

 

[Thumper]

OK serious here

I do not understand Jealousy at all...I don't feel it and never have...envy I can relate too...But jealous feelings are alien to me

I don't know why this is and I have been told that it is a good thing by some people and bad by others. Some have said that I must not care about the person if I am not jealous. That I know is not true...My wife has been with other men before and it did not bother me in the least...still wouldn't...even if she decided to move on to someone else...but god help him if he ever harms her..

This lack of jealousy on my part has caused a few problems though...since I don't feel it, I don't understand it from others...including my wife...

I must meditate more on this...guess the last 17 years hasn't been enough..

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

I agree with Thumper I really don't understand jealousy at all. I hate it when I talk to another guy and my man freaks out. I feel that it is stupid and childish. I don't freak out when he talks to girls. Hell they are just friends! Well that's my opinion.

Bonnie

 

[Isabella Thorne]

ohhh Carl dear .. please don't be jealous of Siren and me .. I really only got to first base with her ..LMAO .. no seriously ...

 

[Skitten]

Carl I think that at one point in any of our relationship we all get jealous at one point or another. Jealousy is ok to a point. It is just how you act on that impulse is what you have to watch.

Being married for as long as we have there are times I have gotten Jealous, but most of the time it is not even worth mentioning because then is when the problem starts when there is really no situation.

Just watch how you react and always try to trust the other partner. Because there is nothing worse than feeling like a idiot when deep down you know that person only has eyes for you.

 

[Skibum]

I am way to insecure to act jealous! Before you dump all over me here is my rational.

Jealousy is a symptom of insecureity, I know. But what if, knowing that, you concsiously refuse to allow your feelings of jealousy show? You know that if she sees you act jealous she will be disgusted and leave you.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I think jealousy is perfectly normal at one time or other. It's human to feel insecure about some fault we see in our own personality or appearance. When we see or hear about our mate or prospective mate dealing with a person who seems to epitomize what we lack the most, we naturally see a little bit green at the very least. It's the fear of losing our loved one, irrational as it may be.

I have this problem with, ummm, lack of obvious femininity. Well, feminine behavior. I've always behaved like "one of the guys." Yes, I actually prefer to change differential grease to painting my fingernails and I don't have a clue how to apply makeup artfully. My husband person ratfink moron thing has noticed this as well. Even though he abhors grease and changing fluids in the truck, he still points out a woman on occasion, who dresses more feminine than me. Once in a while they are dressed nicely, like ladies, or like the sweet girl next door type, more ofthen than not though, they're dressed like a floozie. (He likes women a lil on the trashy side). He says, almost verbatim every time, "You'd look good in that hun."

He's thinking "my wife dressed like a cheap slut... SPROINGGGGGGG!!"

I'm thinking "he'd rather be with her cause I'm such a freaking guy!!!! WAaaahahahahahaaaaaaahhhhh I'm gonna rip her eyes out and shove a drive shaft up her... She'd better have a gooooooddd gyno!" And on and on like that for hours.

Somehow it never occurs to me until I've bawled a few hours and he's explained a thousand times that he wasn't even noticing her at all, just her clothes. He gets tired of pointing this out to me. However, the man thinks my pouting is cute. Probably cause it's a silent endeavour...

Jealousy hurts those it involves, but you probably can't stop it from occasionally rearing it's ugly head any more than you can stop yourself from occasionally getting angry. Me and the ratfink have a good relationship, good enough that when these situations arise, we manage to forgive and forget. Usually.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Carl... buddy I know what you are going through... Um I will try and email you with something more useful before I accedintally reveal something to the board.

Da chef

 

[Guest]

jeal·ous [jéll?ss] adjective

1. envious: feeling bitter and unhappy because of another's advantages, possessions, or luck

I try to be happy for that person and not dwell on how they cheated. lied and stole their way into their position.

2. suspicious of rivals: feeling suspicious about a rival's or competitor's influence, especially in regard to a loved one

Hire a private detective. But seriously, I usually handle this all wrong. I drop hints that something is bothering me. If she doesn't catch on I let the pressure build until I rant and rave. Then I sleep on the couch.

3. watchful: possessively watchful of something o keeps a jealous watch on his research

I don't share my things unless I'm sure that I will get them back in the same condition as when it left.

4. demanding loyalty: demanding exclusive loyalty or adherence (archaic) o a jealous god.

I'm not very demanding. Loyalty is something given. If someone is not loyal then they are probably only loyal when it suits their needs. I just don't expect much from.

[13th century. Via Old French gelos from Latin zelosus, from, ultimately, Greek zelos "jealousy," also "enthusiasm" (source of English zeal ).]

 

[Carl East]

I can see by all the posts that jealousy is a fairly common thing, and that you all have your own ways of dealing with it. Thank you all for the advice, I am now at least aware that other's go through the exact same things.

I allowed something innocent to corrupt my thoughts, and will think long and hard before allowing that to happen again.

By the way Isabella, that wouldn't have made me jealous.LOL


Carl.


____________________________________

Loving you was easy, finding you was hard.