when is too much too much?

[FoxyForestFire]

if bound and gagged when do you know if too much is too much..... how bad do you let it get before you stop.....? i am new to this and was very very very sore after my first time.... any advice?

 

[WillowPuss]

Being new to this - do you know about safe words and signals.

Before playing (in my opinion, because some do play without them) it is essential to discuss with your Dom/me (or top) a series of words and signals that let them know how you are feeling at any given moment.

There are lots of threads on this subject already in the forum - but to give an example, many use green, yellow and red. Green being - I can take more of this; yellow meaning - I am reaching my limit and it is time to ease down a little or certainly go no harder; and red meaning STOP.

If the submissive is gagged obviously the words cannot spoken, a signal needs to be arranged. These vary - holding a small ball ... if it is dropped then it is red; or a napkin.


I would suggest that you arrange some safe words before you play next. Hope this helps

 

[lark sparrow]

You may find this interesting Limits

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

You might want to also do some reading at a good general site like www.castlerealm.com

~anelize

 

[Wizard]

You might want to also do some reading at a good general site like www.castlerealm.com

~anelize

A very good site.

 

[MasterCardTx]

Too much

Limits have to be discussed and understood between the Dom and sub well before anything commences. I always have safewords. If the submissive is gagged, then a safe signal is used.... in other words... drop the hankerchief that is in your hand if you need to stop for any reason.

I have to observe and study how a submissive reacts to certain things before "kicking things up a notch" and participating in the heavy play you described. I do enjoy heavy play, but I never do that on the first meeting. I build up. Yes, that is a conservative way to go about things, but I think it is also wise.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: Too much

Limits have to be discussed and understood between the Dom and sub well before anything commences. I always have safewords. If the submissive is gagged, then a safe signal is used.... in other words... drop the hankerchief that is in your hand if you need to stop for any reason.

I have to observe and study how a submissive reacts to certain things before "kicking things up a notch" and participating in the heavy play you described. I do enjoy heavy play, but I never do that on the first meeting. I build up. Yes, that is a conservative way to go about things, but I think it is also wise.

I'm with you on this one...and I wonder about someone being bound and gagged so early in thier experience with BDSM. I don't know that I would trust a new sub to understand their own limits well enough to participate in such rough play with them.

 

[MasterCardTx]

starting slow

well, you never start the very first time with rough stuff... you of course work up to it

 

[Richard49]

if bound and gagged when do you know if too much is too much..... how bad do you let it get before you stop.....? i am new to this and was very very very sore after my first time.... any advice?

I have read the other replies

The answer to your question is at lest in part
defined by

1) what your into
2) what you have agreed to
3) weather this is punishment or reward
(assuming you are into this part of BDSM)

Communications/trust

 

[psiberzerker]

Bondage was waay too far to go your first time, and any Dom/me worth he's salt should know better than to gag a newbie. Feedback is a neccisary part of all this, and the Top can't do hir job without it.
As for your limits, I'll just have to repeat myself, and others. Take your time, work your way up to the rough stuff, and enjoy the many levels between vanilla, and hardcore. Jumping straight into bondage, and gaging is potentially dangerous. Even if you don't "Go to far", at the very least, you'll get jaded quicker.
I also respectfully suggest finding a top who knows what the fuck he's doing untill you know the ropes.

 

[ownedsubgal]

at the point when you are very uncomfortable MENTALLY, and you are in a position to do so, then that is when you should stop/pause.

for me personally, i do not have that ability nor the option to stop anything even if i could.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

at the point when you are very uncomfortable MENTALLY, and you are in a position to do so, then that is when you should stop/pause.

for me personally, i do not have that ability nor the option to stop anything even if i could.

Stopping is harder when you are bound and gagged.


You can't stop? You sound nutty.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Stopping is harder when you are bound and gagged.


You can't stop? You sound nutty.

no not nutty, just very submissive.

but i'm a slave anyway, so it's not my place to stop anything even if i had that ability. "safewords" and "no" don't exist in my relationship.

 

[MissTaken]

no not nutty, just very submissive.

but i'm a slave anyway, so it's not my place to stop anything even if i had that ability. "safewords" and "no" don't exist in my relationship.

How long have you been with your Master?

Did you have limits and safewords in teh beginning?

At what point did you feel safe?

I do believe that as a relationship progresses things like safewords lose their importance in that He know you and can read your reactions.

I am just curious though.

Being a slave doesn't necessarily mean that one is without the ability to consent. A PSA for novices lurking and stopping by.

 

[ownedsubgal]

How long have you been with your Master?

Did you have limits and safewords in teh beginning?

At what point did you feel safe?

I do believe that as a relationship progresses things like safewords lose their importance in that He know you and can read your reactions.

I am just curious though.

Being a slave doesn't necessarily mean that one is without the ability to consent. A PSA for novices lurking and stopping by.

no, my Master and i never had any safewords or limits..and we've been together for about 3 years. although i do trust him completely now, of course when he first became my Master i did not have TOTAL trust in him. i do know of many D/s couples who had certain limits and safewords in the beginning of the relationship and then as time went on and they grew to know and understand one another better, those things were simply no longer necessary so they weren't used anymore. but that is not the case with us. i did not forfeit the right to limits and whatnot because i trust him....i forfeitted that right when i accepted his collar, when i said "yes, i will be your slave". it's not about him being able to read me so well that he would never cross some line...it's about the fact that i'm his property and he has the right to do whatever he chooses with me, and it's not my right as property to put a limit on anything. that's all.

 

[MissTaken]

Hmm

interesting and yes, I understand what you are saying. Thank you for responding so well as I am simply seeking clarity for anyone looking in.

So, if I may impose a bit further.
Was there trust there when you accepted that collar?
Were there understandings, perhaps even silent about how you viewed submission and growth?

What sorts of things mattered or were considered for you when accepting his collar?

Thanks again!

 

[JoseIsWild]

if bound and gagged when do you know if too much is too much.....

When I get tired of tormenting her.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Hmm

interesting and yes, I understand what you are saying. Thank you for responding so well as I am simply seeking clarity for anyone looking in.

So, if I may impose a bit further.
Was there trust there when you accepted that collar?
Were there understandings, perhaps even silent about how you viewed submission and growth?

What sorts of things mattered or were considered for you when accepting his collar?

Thanks again!

yes there was trust, just not complete and total trust. that is something that takes time to build, and we had only known one another well for a few months (we started off as friends, neither of us looking for anything, the best way). but because we knew each other well as friends, we both knew very clearly what the other wanted, needed and desired in a serious relationship. He knew the kind of man i craved and how i needed to be treated by that man, and i knew what sorts of things any woman of his would be expected to do and how he would treat her. we were extremely compatible in those areas, obviously. it wasn't this big difficult decision, becoming his slave...at that point, we had already fallen in love, and i knew that no matter who i would ever meet, there was just no way in heck i would ever find a more suitable man to be my Master. His question, "do you wish to be my property"...was not a surprise to me, and my "yes" flew out of my mouth with no thought or hesitation. i just knew it was right.

to return to the topics of limits and safewords and whatnot, he made clear long before i was his property that he did not believe in any of that within a serious, committed relationship...and i felt the same way. He knows the things that make me uncomfortable, simply because we have awesome communication...but i definitely don't have any limits. if something absolutely horrifies and repulses me, if i am told to do it by my Master, i will do it, and i will do it with no hesitation or question. that is my place. i know our relationship isn't politically correct in the current day of SSC, slaves who release themselves, and safewords and whatnot up the yin yang, but it is the only way we can live. hope that makes sense.

btw, your siggy is so cute.

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, owned sub.

We have a thread rolling around here about SSC, and you and a few others seem to have similar thoughts.

I really appreciate your taking the time to respond.

I worry sometimes about new people coming in and not understanding what the rest of us are saying, so plug away, asking personal questions and all that.

Communication.

That is where I was going. I do believe there is a point at which consent isn't as concrete as we may wish it were.

Certainly there have been times I have engaged in activities that would have otherwise repulsed me, but in doing so, I sought the fulfillment and pleasure of submission.

You are fortunate to have a relationship that meets all fo your needs and in which you feel safe and cared for.

 

[Funinacowboyhat]

Suggestion

you should always have a way to let your Dom know when enough is enough...seeing as you were gaged a safty word wouldnt work but perhaps a tap code like 3 taps on the headboard or something to that effect , but you should always make sure you have a way to let them know, for your own safty,
But would love to help you with your learning experence

 

[A Desert Rose]

if bound and gagged when do you know if too much is too much..... how bad do you let it get before you stop.....? i am new to this and was very very very sore after my first time.... any advice?

I can understand this very well. I have a high pain threshold and also I wanted to be "tough" the first time, so I tolerated much more than I should have before I said stop. I subsequently paid for it, just as you have.

Being the "tough" sub is not being the perfect sub. That was the mind set I had at the time.

You need to find a level next time that you know, and only you know, is pushing the limit and then say whatever you need to.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: when is too much too much?

I can understand this very well. I have a high pain threshold and also I wanted to be "tough" the first time, so I tolerated much more than I should have before I said stop. I subsequently paid for it, just as you have.

Being the "tough" sub is not being the perfect sub. That was the mind set I had at the time.

You need to find a level next time that you know, and only you know, is pushing the limit and then say whatever you need to.

Great post, ADR.
I have been trying to come up with a way to say this for some time.

You nailed it so well and clearly ! Being submissive isn't about how much you can take, how far you can go, being tough or being a better submissive than anyone else. It is about your kinks and pleasure matching his kinks and pleasure and having a good time with it.

For some submissives, the harsher it is the better it is for them. That is cool if they enjoy it and are safe.

But, rule of thumb. If it feels good do it. If it doesn't, rethink the situation and talk to your Dominant.

 

[Richard49]

Using red, green, yellow and blue cover a lot of sins
but when one is gaged there nees to be somekind of signal

What if you had a cramp, choked, heart attack etc. ?

 

[MissTaken]

Using red, green, yellow and blue cover a lot of sins
but when one is gaged there nees to be somekind of signal

What if you had a cramp, choked, heart attack etc. ?

If you are going to be gagged, that is when holding something or having a physical cue is effective.

If you are holding a ball and yoru grasp changes or you drop it, that is a good sign to the Dominant that something is amiss.

Certainly, communicating your health issues and all that is important...as you know Richard! (Just another PSA for readers. )

 

[Netzach]

In my own relationship, which is Top/bottom with some serious power shit sprinkled on...

I want to know if I am hurting M in some way he thinks I don't intend. IE a suspended wrist is hurting, or he's going to pass out if I don't stop, or his eye has an eyelash in it or whatever. I like to know those things because they can really spoil my intended plan for what we are doing and why.

Likewise I like to KNOW if he thinks he's at his threshold.

I like plain english communication. I don't find taking my submissive to his endurance to be something that needs a euphemism.
(supposedly the other purpose of the safeword is to let the Dominant off the hook in public, because it's a "code" word)

If he's verbally stunted because he's flying I can take hold of his jaw look him in the eye and pull him back up enough to tell me he wants one more. Or no more.

Whether I stop or continue at that point is at my discretion. What I think is best is what happens.

This is rarely if ever an issue of needing to push on, because M always *wants* to take the most I can possibly dish out, if he safewords on me it's for a damn good reason, not a slight amount of inconvenience. Actually, the vast majority of bottoms I've played with have been of such a calibre and an inclination to go the distance. If anything, they tire my arm out.