When Did You Settle?

[Felix_Jones]

Always a fan of a good Fight Club reference.

Nothing wrong with a little cynicism, I could probably use some. I am an optimist and a romantic so getting dragged back to earth occasionally is a good thing for me.

So Mr. Jones, are you thinking seriously about settling?

Oh yeah, after an old guy at work admonished me about growing old alone it got me thinking. I also read some article somewhere, how everyone settles eventually. So then, what to do? Lower the bar I guess. As long as she's not fully insane or some sort of sociopath then what the hell, right?

 

[xXMorticiaXx]

i settled in my first serious reltionship, age 17-18 and a half...i was tpoo young to realize i was. he was pretty much the first guy that looked my way (to summarize A LOT. dont wanna bore ya to death).we lost our virginities to one another...it wasnt until i was on a family vacation in hawaii, and older, handsome, and sexy guys started looking my way.

I did a lot of thinking. and ever since we parted, i have strived to not "settle". it took me until i met my fiance to understand that there is a difference between settling, and settling down. And if you are smart, you'll know that you don't have to "settle down" when you settle down.

Does that make sense?

 

[tenderlily]

As long as she's not fully insane or some sort of sociopath then what the hell, right?

See you're a romantic too . I love the idea of you writing a personal ad with that sentence.

Good luck in your search for someone and I hope she shatters your expectations.

 

[Hhot]

If ever, did you settle. Something along the lines of "this person sitting in front of me seems nice enough...meh, whatever let's kep dating".

When I was so lonely and 26 and wanted to get my life moving on. I married a guy that I figured out later I didn't completely love. He adored me. Turned out to be the worst decision of my life except that I had a beautiful child out of it - which became the best thing I've ever experienced as a gift in my life if I were to even live it 100 times over.

And please, I'm sure all of the above have settled. Maybe their not understanding your question, OP. I'm sure they dated at least one person they were not completely passionate and extremely satisfied with... please...

 

[conversant]

Settle?

Surely you don't mean "Have you made relationship mistakes?"

Because that's a different cup of tea, to which I answer "yes! who doesn't make relationship mistakes?"


The queston isn't IF we've made mistakes, the implication of "settle" is IF we've made mistakes that we'll defend, due to some other factor (see my frying pan reference later on).

I learned about settling when I was 6.

I was born to parents who settled due to cultural pressure, it's a long story and I won't bore/torture you with the details.

Settling is a fiction... In the following slightly incoherent ramblings I'll attempt
to explain that statement.

Even if you "settle", even though you think you're settling, all you'll really have done is deferred pain and suffering for another day, either to be repaid by you, or if you have children, then perhaps it will be repaid by them.

I'm no stranger to that couch you speak of. Me and the couch, we go way back.

Spent 15 years alone, friendless and depressed, "on the couch", back then
I hadn't figured out how to modulate consciousness though, you live and you learn.

Even during the depths of depression I would flat out reject anyone who didn't
pass the core tests of "Are you like me on the 'true self' level?" those tests are different for each person but the essential gist of it is, "Look out that window/At that corpse/At that porno/At that chocolate cake/At that elderly couple/etc! What do you see?" and the answer must be congruent with what you (the questioner) see.

I'v been blessed with involuntarily having front row seats to a relationship implosion
caused by two people not seeing eye to eye and let's just say solitude ain't the worse thing that could happen to you. You know it's fucked up when the kids are telling the parents to "just get a divorce for the love of god, just separate already!"

Settle? Settling is a fiction, created by people who cannot let go of expectations.

You've settled already, settled on deciding who you are, striking a bargain with the elephant in your room so that it will become invisible, that is a metaphor for something painfully slow and agonizingly detail-based called "developing a self out of undecided brain-mush" it's also called "growing up".

What nobody seems to mention (perhaps because they've forgotten) is that you can also "grow down", and then "regrow up".

There's a difference between your unmediated "true self" and the self you think of as having "expectations and preconceived notions", the former lives in the body's unconscious reaches and the latter lives in the head and tends to talk a lot.

If you ever meet the elephant, "grow down" to it's level and duke it out, you might discover that life is much stranger than previously thought. Life tends to rocks after such a bout with the mystical elephant. ;-P

As if that weren't enough....

Contrary to the much repeated mantra of "Life is too short", I'll venture to say:

"Life isn't short at all!" in fact "Life is this obstinate and swirling vortex of 'things happening one after the other' with no end, ever". Life IS time, and it's also un-beholden to time, life is a paradox.

How could life possibly be short? It doesn't end, life insists on happening whether you want it to or not. Life has a mind of it's own.

If you've studied genetics at all, you may know how dominant and recessive genes work. I fully expect to see powerful aspects of my own parents in my children (if and when I do have them), powerfully similar to the extent that they activate memories of them.

Not only doesn't life end, but I'll have to both deal with being um... raised by AND raising my parents in the form of my own kids.

The vedics hit the nail on the head with their notion of the "Wheel of samsara".
In short, "There's no way out, and even death won't save you, you're fucked and the only way to improve your lot is to pay attention."

By that reasoning, some re-iteratative likeness of me will sprout up in their (my hypothetical kid's) own children, and so the dough mixer of DNA will echo our actions and inherent drives for at least a few generations, several lifetimes of joy and sadness, perhaps insanity if life lessons are ignored.

Life is short? Bullshit!

Life is nothing to mess with, life goes on and on, with a vengeance.

Settle? That's a fiction, settling is impossible, life will find a way to torture you
if you deviate from your true purpose (whatever that purpose may be for you, and it's different for every person).

Life, in the form of "the world" already does a pretty good job of torturing us even when we're not engaged in considering "settling" in a romantic relationship, it's called the "art of war".

Perhaps what you really feel and thus subliminally mean by "settling" is, "getting the hell out of this particular frying pan, due to the sheer boredom/dread/pain/<something> of the routine".

I'd say spend some time getting back to basics, getting crazy, droppin' acid, pot, whatever your poison happens to be, do what you gotta do, take that vision quest, slay those expectations and get back in touch with your real self.

Find the elephant....

With everyday that passes, I'm ever more grateful for pain and suffering, 'cause I suspect that without these beacons of "wake the f*ck up!" I might also be worried about "making it" and "meeting the one who's going to make me happy".

In any case, Life definitely isn't short, don't let people fool you into thinking it's short. Life is the the most wonderful, horrible, scariest, funniest, weirdest thing there is.... Though it definitely isn't short.

Life eats chickens, vomits them back up, looks at me with a smile and then proceeds to lap up the vomited chicken remains again...

Life is nothing to mess with.

 

[Felix_Jones]

See you're a romantic too . I love the idea of you writing a personal ad with that sentence.

Good luck in your search for someone and I hope she shatters your expectations.

*laugh* That's what constitutes a romantic now? Okay, maybe this hypothetical someone can be insane or a sociopath, as long as she's heavily medicated.

 

[Felix_Jones]

i settled in my first serious reltionship, age 17-18 and a half...i was tpoo young to realize i was. he was pretty much the first guy that looked my way (to summarize A LOT. dont wanna bore ya to death).we lost our virginities to one another...it wasnt until i was on a family vacation in hawaii, and older, handsome, and sexy guys started looking my way.

I did a lot of thinking. and ever since we parted, i have strived to not "settle". it took me until i met my fiance to understand that there is a difference between settling, and settling down. And if you are smart, you'll know that you don't have to "settle down" when you settle down.

Does that make sense?

Settle down to me means doing the whole family thing. Marriage, kids, house, etc. Settling is when you marry/or date long term someone who's not the most appealing person, but likes you and is kind of nice so you stay with them anyway. I guess this falls into the, you can't always get what you want category. I guess I've realized that being the person I am my options for the women who will date me are a bit limited. I guess if I want to couple then I'm gonna have to abandon any notions of being impressed and settle on what I can get.

 

[conversant]

You know, I spent 30 mins dissecting the structure of expectations in fine detail.

It was wonderful and I loved every second of it.

Then the forum timed out my session and none of it was posted to this thread.

Thanks for opening this thread if only for playing a role in my having those thoughts.
Good luck to you.

 

[xXMorticiaXx]

for example, i have a son with my fiance, we were engaged before we got pregnant, and we are to marry this fall. i adore him. and i mainly adore him because he is a wonderful man, a wonderful father, and i once referred to him as "the grabby bartender"...he is passionate and openminded, and we have explored much together. and we plan on exploring more.

i think some people think that in order to "grow up" you have to settle, i think there are plenty of folks on here who would agree that the right person will come one day, and theres a differnence between settling down and settling....and once you find the right one to settle down with, you shouldnt simmer down...you should have the house, the kids, the marriage, fuck even a picket fence (actually mine is chainlink...its black and more badass<3) and not "simmer" if you are with the one thats your missing puzzle piece.

one should never settle, because one deserves the best for oneself.

 

[fuckmeat]

You know, I spent 30 mins dissecting the structure of expectations in fine detail.

It was wonderful and I loved every second of it.

Then the forum timed out my session and none of it was posted to this thread.

Thanks for opening this thread if only for playing a role in my having those thoughts.
Good luck to you.

Sorry to hear that.

Notepad is your friend. Or failing that, select and cut your reply before you post it, so if the post fails you can just paste it back in and try submitting again. I long ago stopped writing lengthy replies straight into the posting form. Every now and again Lit just eats stuff.

 

[Lasciel]

I settled when I was 18 and luckily I was young enough to realize my mistake and get out after only a couple years. He was my first sexual relationship and I was his so I assumed that the sex would get better with time. 4 years later I realized that I was settling by being with him (there were more problems than just the sex, but it was a factor). The next guy I was with was a lot more experienced and when he pulled out the handcuffs I never looked back