When a Scene Flops

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

I have a girl-girl scene that serves a few functions in an upcoming story. It shows a character trending toward greater experimentation, making up for not taking a shot at a relationship in the past, and it serves my own desire not to have 'unexplained' female bisexuality or bicuriousity in a story simply because that's the accepted trope.

I've written scenes like this before, but this one is important to me (even if only as a skill-building exercise or test). Having read all the guides and followed a lot of the advice, if not all of it, the scene still isn't 'working'. I've given it a lot of space, focused on the emotional connection, relied on dialogue and added novelty, but something is off... It doesn't make me feel like it's something a reader will enjoy. Admittedly, one of the characters involved has been giving me problems in all her sex scenes, but eventually I get them to work.

Having read a lot of lesbian stories, I can safely say I know what I like and what I don't. There's a vocabulary to them that's very effective and very erotic, and I can replicate that vocabulary, but I can't evoke the same feeling. To top it off, I'm writing in third person and I think some of the best girl-girl (and a majority of top rated lesbian stories) are in first person.

So, I'm asking for tips and tricks that don't often make it into the writer's resources. I think for this in particular but also for sex scenes more generally. What do you do when it doesn't work? Do you eventually give up, or what's a good strategy for reframing something like this? My feeling is that there must be one... A way to put the scene in a new context and get more from it.

 

[NotWise]

Why do you say it doesn't work? Without knowing why, it's hard to give relevant ideas.

I've deleted sex scenes that didn't work for me, I've moved them to different parts of stories, and I've rewritten them to use less explicit sex so their story-telling function came through.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

Why do you say it doesn't work? Without knowing why, it's hard to give relevant ideas.

I've deleted sex scenes that didn't work for me, I've moved them to different parts of stories, and I've rewritten them to use less explicit sex so their story-telling function came through.

Right now, it's a gut feeling more than anything else. Personally, I haven't found it arousing even though the concept behind it is something I've wanted to execute and find very erotic. It's simple: two women, fresh out of the swimming pool, feeling a little silly and fooling around.

Initially, I zeroed in on the one character involved as a problem in all her sex scenes. But this scene could actually help solve that problem if I pull it off. She's a little pushy and... Hold up, I had an idea while typing this. As the scene stands she's on top; maybe that should be flipped. Though, I'm not sure how much of a difference it will make.

Cutting the scene is a possibility. I'd love to keep it though.

 

[BiscuitHammer]

I'm with NW. I've deleted entire scenes and even concepts while writing a chapter because it ultimately wasn't working. Ultimately, it was because it was too clunky, or ponderous, or felt contrived. It was just out of place. So I'd junk the scene and just keep the notes from it for potential later use somewhere.

If you're concerned about it as a flop, find someone you trust to know what you're looking to accomplish and let them read just the lesbian sex scene as a stand alone. If you trust them to be objective, then you'll have your answer.

If it passes muster as a stand-alone scene, then it probably fits well with the larger story because you've let the larger concept run through it.

 

[SimonDoom]

and I've rewritten them to use less explicit sex so their story-telling function came through.

I think this is the key concept. The OP doesn't provide a lot of details, so it's hard to give good advice. But I gather from the OP's comments that this scene takes place early in the story, or perhaps at a point where a journey of experimentation has just begun. Presumably, some more definitive or climactic sexual scene occurs later in the story.

If so, there's no reason to feel an obligation to make this scene too "sexy." Focus instead on making it serve its purpose for the story. Focus on what the characters are thinking and feeling and on whatever element of transformation occurs during this scene.

To spice it up, concentrate on perhaps just one physical thing that happens during this scene -- something that crosses a boundary not previously crossed. A touch, a caress, an act, something someone says, a scent, disrobing -- it could be anything. But it doesn't have to be more than one thing.

Also, if the scene isn't quite working, cut it back. Make it shortly than you originally thought it would be. Make it serve its purpose for the story overall but don't worry about whether it's sexy enough.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Being a lesbian, you'd think I'd be an expert at it. I'm not, I have to write and rewrite lesbian sex scenes until it works. To be perfectly honest, I prefer to write first person for stories in general. However, often sex is better written in third person, the switching between Partner A and Partner B's emotions and actions paragraph to paragraph.

One thing that makes it easier, especially in gay male and lesbian sex is to have the top and bottom well defined. However, in lesbian, often it's really an equal position. That makes writing it so fucking much harder.

I feel for you, but think all you can do is read it, rewrite a bit, read it again, and keep reworking until it feels right. You've done it before, I bet you can do it again.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

So, I've ended up with two iterations of the scene, one of which I wrote shortly after making this thread. I'll give some more detail, though I think what's 'important' to the problem is kind of already outlined.

There's Lauren who's a pushy introvert and best friend Paige who's really extroverted and very experimental. At the time of the scene, Lauren had been experimenting more with sex after a near-death experience. A few months before, they'd gotten drunk and Paige (who is openly bisexual) misread the signs and tried to kiss her, which made Lauren flee. The scene follows some of Lauren's initial sexual experimentation, they've had some drinks, they're fresh out of a swimming pool, they're getting frisky...

The first draft of the scene wrote easy enough. It clocks in at a couple thousand words with long flowery paragraphs. I wasn't feeling that one at all!

The second draft works far better (up to a point). Lauren is now on the bottom; she's letting things happen. They're also talking a lot more throughout.

So, here's where I am in the troubleshooting: sitting at 600 words I quite like but can't get to the payoff. So far there have been a hundred gentle kisses and some oral sex, next I'm planning on making the sex more kinetic and heightened. In my mind, that's Plan A, which is basically to follow the flow of any sex scene (escalation until climax). However, I've already 'lost interest' at word 600, where they stop having sex for a minute to make out a little, talk and tease... I know I can leave it there, basically fading to black, but I want to prolong it — I want it to end with a bang.

Up to 600 words, the new draft works. So, maybe here there are two questions I think are important. The first is very general: how do you troubleshoot a sex scene? When something is wrong with a computer or a human being for that matter, we diagnose it. I'm struggling with that phase here. Like I've mentioned above, the character of Lauren has been a problem throughout, but it steadily resolved itself and now I'm happy with her other sex scenes.

The second question concerns lesbian scenes in particular. My current experience is they're more cyclical than heterosexual sex scenes which are quite linear. How do you keep the reader's buzz going though? My concern is that I'll write three 600 word segments that I like, but stitched together they'll fall flat.

 

[NotWise]

So, I've ended up with two iterations of the scene, one of which I wrote shortly after making this thread. I'll give some more detail, though I think what's 'important' to the problem is kind of already outlined.

There's Lauren who's a pushy introvert and best friend Paige who's really extroverted and very experimental. At the time of the scene, Lauren had been experimenting more with sex after a near-death experience. A few months before, they'd gotten drunk and Paige (who is openly bisexual) misread the signs and tried to kiss her, which made Lauren flee. The scene follows some of Lauren's initial sexual experimentation, they've had some drinks, they're fresh out of a swimming pool, they're getting frisky...

The first draft of the scene wrote easy enough. It clocks in at a couple thousand words with long flowery paragraphs. I wasn't feeling that one at all!

The second draft works far better (up to a point). Lauren is now on the bottom; she's letting things happen. They're also talking a lot more throughout.

So, here's where I am in the troubleshooting: sitting at 600 words I quite like but can't get to the payoff. So far there have been a hundred gentle kisses and some oral sex, next I'm planning on making the sex more kinetic and heightened. In my mind, that's Plan A, which is basically to follow the flow of any sex scene (escalation until climax). However, I've already 'lost interest' at word 600, where they stop having sex for a minute to make out a little, talk and tease... I know I can leave it there, basically fading to black, but I want to prolong it — I want it to end with a bang.

Up to 600 words, the new draft works. So, maybe here there are two questions I think are important. The first is very general: how do you troubleshoot a sex scene? When something is wrong with a computer or a human being for that matter, we diagnose it. I'm struggling with that phase here. Like I've mentioned above, the character of Lauren has been a problem throughout, but it steadily resolved itself and now I'm happy with her other sex scenes.

The second question concerns lesbian scenes in particular. My current experience is they're more cyclical than heterosexual sex scenes which are quite linear. How do you keep the reader's buzz going though? My concern is that I'll write three 600 word segments that I like, but stitched together they'll fall flat.

Your sex scenes might be longer than mine, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I checked three of my typical scenes. Not counting the mostly-verbal buildups and aftermaths the sex I write is usually around four hundred words. If it goes much longer than that, then it starts to feel repetitive to me. The buildup and aftermath can be longer than the sex itself.

That might change in the story I'm writing now.

"Pushy introvert" sounds like a combination of character traits that could be tough to pull off. Are you having Lauren perform acts that might be inconsistent with her character?

 

[ElectricBlue]

The first draft of the scene wrote easy enough. It clocks in at a couple thousand words with long flowery paragraphs. I wasn't feeling that one at all!

The second draft works far better (up to a point). Lauren is now on the bottom; she's letting things happen. They're also talking a lot more throughout. .

You're agonising too much. Write more of the story and come back to it.

I generally find if a sex scene won't working, it's because the characters aren't ready for it yet. Don't rush in, have them circle around each other slowly, go take a walk in the park, have a coffee, whatever. Are they emotionally ready for the scene yet, or still out of synch?

 

[SimonDoom]

So, I've ended up with two iterations of the scene, one of which I wrote shortly after making this thread. I'll give some more detail, though I think what's 'important' to the problem is kind of already outlined.

There's Lauren who's a pushy introvert and best friend Paige who's really extroverted and very experimental. At the time of the scene, Lauren had been experimenting more with sex after a near-death experience. A few months before, they'd gotten drunk and Paige (who is openly bisexual) misread the signs and tried to kiss her, which made Lauren flee. The scene follows some of Lauren's initial sexual experimentation, they've had some drinks, they're fresh out of a swimming pool, they're getting frisky...

The first draft of the scene wrote easy enough. It clocks in at a couple thousand words with long flowery paragraphs. I wasn't feeling that one at all!

The second draft works far better (up to a point). Lauren is now on the bottom; she's letting things happen. They're also talking a lot more throughout.

So, here's where I am in the troubleshooting: sitting at 600 words I quite like but can't get to the payoff. So far there have been a hundred gentle kisses and some oral sex, next I'm planning on making the sex more kinetic and heightened. In my mind, that's Plan A, which is basically to follow the flow of any sex scene (escalation until climax). However, I've already 'lost interest' at word 600, where they stop having sex for a minute to make out a little, talk and tease... I know I can leave it there, basically fading to black, but I want to prolong it — I want it to end with a bang.

Up to 600 words, the new draft works. So, maybe here there are two questions I think are important. The first is very general: how do you troubleshoot a sex scene? When something is wrong with a computer or a human being for that matter, we diagnose it. I'm struggling with that phase here. Like I've mentioned above, the character of Lauren has been a problem throughout, but it steadily resolved itself and now I'm happy with her other sex scenes.

The second question concerns lesbian scenes in particular. My current experience is they're more cyclical than heterosexual sex scenes which are quite linear. How do you keep the reader's buzz going though? My concern is that I'll write three 600 word segments that I like, but stitched together they'll fall flat.

I'm not trying to be difficult or unhelpful, but this still doesn't further clarify things.

Here's the main question: what is the story? I don't know, from what you've said about it. Forget the scene for the moment, and focus on the story. Condense the overall story to 1 to 3 sentences. Do this as an exercise, and say it out loud to yourself. The story dictates everything else. Everything not crucial to the story gets cut. Everything in the scene should be in service to the overall story.

You say it's in third-person POV, but is this third-person limited -- from Lauren's perspective, I assume? So the overriding question is, what purpose does this scene serve from the standpoint of Lauren's development? Focus on that. Wait until the end of the story to write a rip-roaring Lesbian scene. Don't expect too much out of this intermediate scene. Give the readers a taste. Move Lauren down her path of experimentation and self-realization. But don't expect too much out of it.

 

[nobodyridesforfree]

You're agonising too much. Write more of the story and come back to it.

This right here.

Take a break from it and come back later, or let it go entirely. The answer w/come to you either way.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

Replying on mobile, so stringing together quotes is a little tricky.

You've all been incredibly helpful and I appreciate the responses a lot. Putting down the parameters of the 'issue' in writing and expanding on that has been useful in and of itself. The specific advice is great and I'm definitely seeing a need to firm up the scene's place in the broader story. For Lauren, all it has to be is a happy memory of what can go right when you take risks. Later, she'll learn what can go wrong and the story's resolution is her finding a balance.

"Pushy introvert" has made sense on the page, surprisingly. I suppose 'poorly adjusted' is maybe a better way of putting it. Somewhat of a loner and set in her ways but able to function effectively in a small group. The scene offers her a chance to expand her world. In the initial draft she was on top, which I think was pushing it... She wouldn't be — not if it was her first time and her lover is more experienced.

More broadly, yeah, I can say a lot about what makes her 'tricky' as a character. I think the female characters I've written in the past have all been very energetic in bed while Lauren prefers to be more passive (which actually offers interesting opportunities). I think that's given me a unique challenge.

I think the best thing is to set it aside for a bit. It's definitely true that I've become a little stuck in my head about this whole thing.

 

[litfan10]

This might sound a bit strange but this always works for me when a scene fails.
First I apologize to my characters (really)
Then I sit back and clear my head and wait for my characters to tell me what they want to do.
They always do and sometimes they take me in very unchartered waters but over the years I've learned above all else to trust my characters.
Good luck and happy writing.

 

[LAHomedog]

I rewrite scenes all of the time. Mostly when I'm not true to the characters personality or voice.

With the story I just submitted, for the first time I actually rewrote the entire story three times. The female lead -- a Mrs. Robinson type -- was wrong in tone, voice, motivation. Just wrote her incorrectly.

In changing her character, since she was directing the narrative, that meant completely rewriting the story. I finally got it right on the third time.

I suggest putting it aside for a while and then go back with fresh eyes.

 

[lovecraft68]

Just because you don't think its working doesn't mean it isn't.

Often we're our own harshest critics. I can't tell you how many times I have written a story, sex scene, a fight scene an emotional conversation between characters and thought, what a pile of shit, this sucks.

then sent it to a few people who came back with enough praise to make me realize it did work, and the issue was I'd built it up in my mind to where I was not going to be satisfied.

Its like people say about editing, you can over do it and you need to reach the point of cutting it the fuck loose and get it published.

Only way to know for sure if its a 'flop' for real is post it and see what your feedback is.

 

[lovecraft68]

Meant add that I'm no pro when it comes to lesbian scenes, but if you want to send it to me in a PM I can tell you what I think.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

My advice is put it away for a few days, then come back to it with fresh eyes. It's a luxury of writing for fun rather than work. I find when I re-read, I'll see what runs smoothly, then it feels like a bump in the road when a character says or does something that doesn't work.

In between I hang out with my characters in my head, go down the pub with them, have a chat, get to know them better. Once I know them well, I can write them well - but writing some stuff that has to be pruned is often necessary to get to flesh them out.