When a male dominant suffers from chronic impotency

[Mr Blonde]

What sort of issues arise (excuse the pun) from male impotency that are specific to BDSM? What do submissives think of a male dominant who has problems getting/staying erect and/or finishing? How do other dominants deal with these issues and what would be their thought process?

I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. My impotency is 2/3 physical factors and 1/3 mental factors. It goes in cycles but the problems can vary between mild and very serious. Simply put, the mind and imagination can be very willing but it is hard to enjoy being a dominant when you are experiencing significant impotency problems. How can you exert yourself over someone and dominate them while not even being able to control yourself?

I am working to resolve my problems so I don't want this to be a thread dedicated to troubleshooting my specific situation. I was just looking for general discussion about the repurcusions of male impotency on D/s relationships. Feel free to reverse pronouns and roles to suit your replies.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I would personally say that it really shouldn't matter all that much, since, at least in my mind, BDSM is mostly mental. By the logic that would allow you to feel less Domly because of erectile problems, we would also have to rate Dom/mes on their ability to hit harder than others, or by the number of toys they have. I can be a better Dom to my submissive over the phone than anyone she has had in real life. The penis, like everything else in BDSM IMO, is a tool to express Dominance, not what defines it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have to say that I agree with Johnny Mayberry. The penis is only a tool; there are many ways around impotence.

You could choose partners for your sub; you could use your fingers, your tongue, or a dildo whatever. It is basically replacing one tool for another.

Exerting yourself over someone and dominating them while having a physical disability is harder but if you succeed it makes the dominance taste sweeter.


Francisco.

 

[Pure]

//How can you exert yourself over someone and dominate them while not even being able to control yourself?//

I don't see impotence as related to control of oneself, or the lack thereof. Getting up isn't an act of will, it's just gotta 'happen.'
As you probably know, much of the 'treatment' is distracting the person from the issues, thoughts about performance, etc.

In that way maybe SM scenes could help; there's lots to focus on.
As the 'top' for instance. Whipping and 'torturing' several subs could be highly distracting; issuing directions about who's to fuck whom. Perhaps if the S got 'carried away' --even in giving a good whipping, something might just 'turn up.'

It's worth mentioning too that for many women, the issue is not a sharp one; some don't consider it 'unmanly' or shameful. Many will not make the inference; no erection; this is a weak or inadequate man. Many appreciate other signs of strength.

Overall, though, I do see how it would be hard to handle: the ideal dom/me is hyped as superstud; super equipment; super stamina--- this is the dom of stories, of course.

Lastly, it's possible [i.e., for the dom] to 'come' without an erection. That might be an interesting task to assign a sub!!
Though in the end, too, ejaculation is not an act of will, but happens.

Just a thought: if SM doesn't turn you on, maybe there's something *else* that would??

 

[InnerDarkness]

I actually agree with Johnny on this...

As a woman and a sub, I would not feel that my Sir were any less "Domly" if he could not get an erection during some times of play. It is just a tool, and for me, the BDSM experience is very mental...

I would also not see it as having anything to do with issues of control...you can dominate me, use me, control me, etc without ever penetrating me and certainly without ever using your penis.

I also like Pure's concept of perhaps giving the sub an assignment. If you can cum without an erection, then by all means....let her find out how to help you do that!

I know there are some people out there that would consider this a very big deal, but I for one do not. It is a natural occurence for many men at some point or other in their lives, and a willing and understanding partner should have no trouble working with you to find ways to continue making your BDSM experiences wonderful with or without an erection.

 

[WriterDom]

I see it as more of a relationship question rather than the bdsm side. Since you do have some function, and just don't hit on all cylinders all the time, I think it could be easily worked out.

As far as just finding someone to scene with, it could be an advantage. There are plenty of subs looking for non-sexual play.

 

[SexyChele]

I see it as more of a relationship question rather than the bdsm side. Since you do have some function, and just don't hit on all cylinders all the time, I think it could be easily worked out.

As far as just finding someone to scene with, it could be an advantage. There are plenty of subs looking for non-sexual play.

I agree with this.

For me, my "kink" is part of a relationship that I want to end in sexual activity, so impotence could present a problem for me. However, if the man I'm with is seeking out help I would be far more supportive than a man who denies he has a problem.

So, for me, it would be an issue - big or little, depends - but there are ways around it.

 

[Desdemona]

As long as we are able to talk about it and work on the problem, its a non-issue for me. There is much more to dominating someone than being able to achieve an erection.

 

[Native Alien]

Not to mention all the delightful play that can occur without the actual act of penetration by a penis. Sorry but I really thought that it needed to be said.

There are as Sexy Chele said many ways around this issue. Starting with a look at any medications that you might be taking daily including vitamins and dietary supplements. Then there is always Viagra that can help as well.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i have served quite a few Dominants with impotency problems. in my experience, those who had severe impotency, meaning they never ever got an erection, tended to be the most sadistic. to me it seemed almost as if they were trying to make up for not being able to hurt me with their cocks, by beating the blue blazes out of me. to me that was/is understandable. but i don't think a man needs a rock hard cock OR a sadistic streak in order to put and keep a submissive/slave in their place, so to speak. Dominance comes from within, and goes so far beyond the sexual realm that the sex really is not even necessary, imo.

 

[redelicious]

I knew a guy (not a Dom) who was totally impotent due to his diabetes. But guess what, he remains one of the most passionate lovers I have ever known.

I won't lie, I like cock, but the mind behind the cock is the sexual organ I'm truly interested in.

 

[bunny bondage]

i'm sad to say that this issue eventually ended an otherwise good relationship. there were other problems as well, but this was a biggie. it wasn't just that i couldn't take it, which i couldn't, but it frustrated him as well, and led to countless arguments. perhaps if we had been older and more experienced, it could have worked out.

 

[Pure]

owned sub gal,

/i have served quite a few Dominants with impotency problems. in my experience, those who had severe impotency, meaning they never ever got an erection, tended to be the most sadistic. /

A little historical note. The Marquis de Sade, while not impotent, had extreme difficulty reaching the point of ejaculation. Arguably it made him--at least in imagination--more savage.

 

[MissTaken]

As long as we are able to talk about it and work on the problem, its a non-issue for me. There is much more to dominating someone than being able to achieve an erection.

Yep

 

[ownedsubgal]

owned sub gal,

/i have served quite a few Dominants with impotency problems. in my experience, those who had severe impotency, meaning they never ever got an erection, tended to be the most sadistic. /

A little historical note. The Marquis de Sade, while not impotent, had extreme difficulty reaching the point of ejaculation. Arguably it made him--at least in imagination--more savage.

yes, i have read as much. and speaking with a few other slaves, i have learned that this is quite a common phenomenon, albeit rarely openly discussed.

 

[Justina123]

I have had this be a FAR bigger problem in a vanilla relationship than in a D/s one. In the vanilla relationship I am referring to, not being able to "finish" was a major problem because sex revolved around intercourse and failure to "finish" was regarded as catastrophic. With BDSM, there are SOooooo many other things that enter into play. Sometimes (esp. at play parties and public dungeons) we may play for hours without any actual intercourse or Sir cumming. Even at home, sometimes we have wonderful times together and, even if Sir does not "finish", we both feel very fulfilled afterwards. There's just not the same focus on a "goal" as in my previous vanillar relationships, thank goodness.

- justina

 

[Mr Blonde]

Thank you for the responses and I apologize for not replying sooner. I have been thinking. Perhaps I just need to type something up....although I am not sure how it will come out.

Here is how the impotency has negatively impacted me:

1. less natural in my interactions, a certain hesitation that was not there before

2. a loss of sexual enjoyment

3. a loss of desire to seek new relationships

4. a loss of adventureness

5. proliferation of a sadistic side (unwelcome)


Here are the negatives for (some of) my partners:

1. feelings of failure to please/serve me

2. concerns about my frustration

3. concerns about my lack of enthusiasm

4. feelings of inadequacy regarding appearance

5. dealing with my sadistic behavior (unwelcome)



I know some of these reasons do not seem like BDSM issues. I know they sound like generic insecurities not related directly to BDSM. But it is impacting my behavior, my creativity and my basic zest for being a dominant.

To answer some of the comments, I do not claim to be the greatest lover. I accept my physical imperfections. My dick could be bigger. My stomach could be more flat. Those things don't bother me; it is the impotence and the secondary preoccupation with the impotence.

I know how to please and satisfy women. Again, I do not make false claims but I have been complimented and I know I am at least a certain level. I try to be open (no false denials) and I try to work on it. So I am not compounding the problem by ignoring it or trying to wish it away. As for finishing not being everything, I agree; but it still counts for something. There are studies how women who receive male ejaculate are happy and not depressed. We cannot completely ignore nature and hormones.

I know I am pressing. I am usually in the sort of relationships that involve mental aspects of her submitting to me, bondage with some humiliation and discipline, plus a good dosage of flogging and spanking. I guess the simplest explanation is that I will try too hard. Sort of how women would complain of lack of lubrication after one hour of intercourse. Basically, if things are not working for me I will give up too soon or try for too long (or sadistcly too hard).

I agree that dominance is mental. To use more shitty analogies, I know that the captain of the team does not need to be the best player. You do not have to be the best at something in order to lead others but you do need to have a grasp of it. If I am very impotent, I almost feel I don't even deserve to be on the team....let alone be the captain.

I dunno...this is distressing to me because I really do need a constructive outlet to work out my dominant nature. I do not need to be the super-stud. But if I cannot do things the way I want (and with the panache and creativity I want), I almost lose interest in doing them at all. But, that said, I do not want to give up and very much want to work through these issues.

I am airing out a lot of bullshit here, but oh well....it is just a message board.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thank you for the responses and I apologize for not replying sooner. I have been thinking. Perhaps I just need to type something up....although I am not sure how it will come out.

Here is how the impotency has negatively impacted me:

1. less natural in my interactions, a certain hesitation that was not there before

2. a loss of sexual enjoyment

3. a loss of desire to seek new relationships

4. a loss of adventureness

5. proliferation of a sadistic side (unwelcome)


Here are the negatives for (some of) my partners:

1. feelings of failure to please/serve me

2. concerns about my frustration

3. concerns about my lack of enthusiasm

4. feelings of inadequacy regarding appearance

5. dealing with my sadistic behavior (unwelcome)



I know some of these reasons do not seem like BDSM issues. I know they sound like generic insecurities not related directly to BDSM. But it is impacting my behavior, my creativity and my basic zest for being a dominant.

To answer some of the comments, I do not claim to be the greatest lover. I accept my physical imperfections. My dick could be bigger. My stomach could be more flat. Those things don't bother me; it is the impotence and the secondary preoccupation with the impotence.

I know how to please and satisfy women. Again, I do not make false claims but I have been complimented and I know I am at least a certain level. I try to be open (no false denials) and I try to work on it. So I am not compounding the problem by ignoring it or trying to wish it away. As for finishing not being everything, I agree; but it still counts for something. There are studies how women who receive male ejaculate are happy and not depressed. We cannot completely ignore nature and hormones.

I know I am pressing. I am usually in the sort of relationships that involve mental aspects of her submitting to me, bondage with some humiliation and discipline, plus a good dosage of flogging and spanking. I guess the simplest explanation is that I will try too hard. Sort of how women would complain of lack of lubrication after one hour of intercourse. Basically, if things are not working for me I will give up too soon or try for too long (or sadistcly too hard).

I agree that dominance is mental. To use more shitty analogies, I know that the captain of the team does not need to be the best player. You do not have to be the best at something in order to lead others but you do need to have a grasp of it. If I am very impotent, I almost feel I don't even deserve to be on the team....let alone be the captain.

I dunno...this is distressing to me because I really do need a constructive outlet to work out my dominant nature. I do not need to be the super-stud. But if I cannot do things the way I want (and with the panache and creativity I want), I almost lose interest in doing them at all. But, that said, I do not want to give up and very much want to work through these issues.

I am airing out a lot of bullshit here, but oh well....it is just a message board.

I see the topic as relevant. As a female dominant, the issue can surface with male submissives too.

We spend a lot of time discussing the issues of females in this forum, it is high time some male issues were addressed. Keep posting, I find I am learning a lot. I appreciate Your openness.

 

[Desdemona]

I have to agree with Eb. I applaud your willingness to discuss a difficult subject. I hope you have consulted with a specialist to help you with the physical aspects of impotence. Often, there are ways to help, depending on the etiology of the problem.

 

[bunny bondage]

i was with a guy for five years who had this problem, and he tried many things to cure it. he went to several doctors and uroligists, all of whom did nothing for him. he continues to seek treatment, but as of now, we have no answers.

i wish i could be of more help, but all i can offer is the knowlege that you're not alone in this problem, and people are being made aware that it exists thanks to brave guys like you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Here is how the impotency has negatively impacted me:

1. less natural in my interactions, a certain hesitation that was not there before

2. a loss of sexual enjoyment

3. a loss of desire to seek new relationships

4. a loss of adventureness

5. proliferation of a sadistic side (unwelcome)

Hello Mr blonde I am going to say something you might not like hearing. What could have happened is that your sadistic side has been slowly awakened. There is a common problem for many sadists which could be related to yours. Certain sadist can not get any sexual arousal if the are not inflicting pain or exerting some kind of control.

Many try to suppress their sadist feelings with exactly the same effect as you are experiencing right now, a sense that the have become impotence, while in reality what is happening is actually the awaking of your sadistic side.

There is nothing wrong with being a sadist as long as you are aware of it and your partners are aware of it. I am a sadist and am very happy being one, however I have learned to accept who I am and have learned to incorporate my sadism in my playing in such a way that my partners finds it enjoyable.

Just my 2 cents and it might have absolutely nothing to do with your situation but think about.

Francisco.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

It does not matter to me.

There is much more to man and woman, male and female, Dominance and submission than a penis, and ejaculation. Dominance is about the mind, and your ability to control, titillate, torture, tease, dominate on the mental plane and other physical planes. It is not necessarily about sex. Much of my recent submissioin has been more mental than anything else, as this works for me.. I enjoy serving Him by performing tasks for Him, denying myself pleasure, engaging in small amounts of humiliation, etc... and during all of this, He loves me and watches over me. Sex is rarely ... very very rarely part of the equation.. and I love that about Him.

And I would think that many of the issues that a male Dom experiences due to impotency would be experienced by a male submissive, or even a vanilla male.

 

[Missconduct]

What sort of issues arise (excuse the pun) from male impotency that are specific to BDSM?

Okay, I'm gonna chime in because I actually did some extensive research on Erectile Dysfunction. First, when was your last checkup? Rule out the possibilty of prostate, urethral and other physiological diseases or infections. Second, are you on meds or antidepressants? These can impede sexual arousal and interest considerably. Third, have you suffered from any spinal injuries? and Fourth, as stated, are you diabetic? Also, Fifth, do you have a healthy and active masturbation relationship with yourself?

Once you've ruled out the possible physiological contributors, then most of it is most likely mental. The two main types of erectile dysfunction I found in my research were impotence and a rarer condition unappealingly called Retarded Ejaculation or more kindly Delayed Ejaculation.

What little I discovered is that expectation, pressure and disappointment make erectile dysfunction worse. So first, try and relax. Participate in play without the expectation or purpose of your orgasm or ejaculation being the ultimate goal. A lot of performance anxiety can enter the picture with the added mental demands of Dominance. I've met Doms who never get erect during a scene because they are so focused on what they are doing to the sub, it's like the "forget."

There are many potential mental contributing factors involved with erectile dysfunction ranging anywhere from a traumatic childhood masturbatory experience (getting 'caught' or being punished for getting caught or being discouraged from masturbating as within some very religious families) to fear of getting your partner pregnant. There are many other possible mental contributing factors. You might even be simply experiencing a slight mental block to wanting to 'hurt' somebody. This can certainly effect erections. Did somebody important to you make a comment or judgment of you which you may have forgotten but still effected you deeply? Maybe made you question your desires and interests? Get comfortable with and befriend your Dominance. You are okay and perfectly lovable the way you are. And it's true, you never have to achieve an erection again in order to be an excellent Dom.

Google is your friend - punch in - "erectile dysfunction" impotence - and read what you get. There is a lot of very helpful information and advice out there. First and foremost, see a doctor and establish that it's not a physical problem. If it's not, then practice relaxing during sex or a scene. And, I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry. Worrying makes it worse.

I'd say it's insignificant as everyone else says. However, if it's important enough for you to post about it, then it is clearly significant to you.

xx,

 

[Mr Blonde]

There are MANY things for me to respond to and I apologize for taking so long with my replies. I have also received PMs and still need to respond to those.

For now, let me just focus on the sadistic angle....

I do have a small to modest sadistic side. I have had two relationships where S/M was the central part of our activities.

The first relationship was extremely negative. She was a confirmed masochist when I met her and no matter what I could not keep up. It is hard to "know" such things, but I figure if I had a strong sadistic streak in me it would have materialized during this relationship.

The second was discovered by accident; it became clear the submissive was more of a masochist so I just went with it. The relationship was interesting and not a disaster like the first one. I am glad to have experimented, but I have not felt the urge to do it again.

So I was (guess still am?) open to the idea of being primarily a sadist. But I have had successful relationships where I am primarily a dominant (with only a small amount of cruelty) and that just seems to feel most natural to me. A couple of brief relationships is not exactly a full exploration, and it is possible for things to shift over time, but it just hasn't captured my attention yet. I described sadism as "unwelcome" in my above lists because recent submissives have matched my needs as a dominant but had trouble accepting the sadistic side.

Whew, if that makes any sense....

Anyway, I am not at all offended and will keep an open mind. I am just saying that based on limited experience, sadism does not feel as natural or satisfying as the style of dominance that I can enjoy.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Whew, if that makes any sense....

Anyway, I am not at all offended and will keep an open mind. I am just saying that based on limited experience, sadism does not feel as natural or satisfying as the style of dominance that I can enjoy.

It does makes sense. I am not primarily a sadist in my relationships with my boys. In fact, I inflict pain purely as a condiment to my activities. I have service subs, so that they do things for Me. Sometimes the discipline I mete out is to add flavor or spice.

It is amazing how a little pain makes certain activities that much more interesting. However as for getting sexual pleasure from inflicting pain, no, not My kink.