What's wrong with me?

[PrettyPosie]

I hate sex. There. I said it. I fucking hate having sex. It's the most time-consuming, boring, useless activity I could ever be involved in with another person. Not even the intimacy is fulfilling to me.

Now, any of you Litsters reading this, do not misunderstand - I love the IDEA of sex. I get horny and aroused. I like writing erotica, I like reading it. I like watching porn. I like masturbating - more than once a day preferably. I even like drawing porn. But the act itself - don't touch me, don't look at me, asshole.

There's just something about the whole situation that inspires my unbridled rage. Even from the first nipple stroke, pussy grope or ass grab, I just tense up and want to bite someone's fucking face off. EVEN when I've just been watching porn and I'm more than "ready" for such an act, any attention, other than the kind I regularly give myself, feels like an intrusion, a violation, an interruption of what is supposed to happen.

I do not get anything out of the exchange, you see. And any intimacy shared with my husband or any pride that I might take out of sharing my body with him and making him feel good is lost when I'm made to degrade myself and forced to be uncomfortable for 10-20 minutes. It's a mess. It's uncomfortable to the point of painful. It's humiliating being the object of such loathsome desire. Whether I'm on my back, or with my face in the pillow, all I can think during the whole entire thing - from when he first enters - is, "Just fucking cum already!" and the longer he goes without doing so, the more I grind my teeth, seething with hate.

I have never climaxed from penetration. EVER. In three years of having sex. I've gotten to what some may consider "close" but honestly, it is my personal opinion that 1. either all women through the centuries are fucking liars and there is no such thing as female climax from penetration(granted it's unlikely, but my rage tends to lash outward, sorry) or 2. it's something that I'm just not capable of.

Maybe I watch too much porn and I've gotten the wrong idea about the "point" of sexual intercourse. There doesn't seem to me to be a reason for it at all except to try and reach together with someone else a goal which I could reach on my own half a dozen times within 1 hour. I guess I just make my personal connections with my husband outside of the bedroom and focus on that rather than what he could - but really CAN'T - do for my body.

Maybe I'm really a lesbian or something? I am attracted to both men and women. But since there is at least some plausible logic in climax with hetero intercourse - the whole mythological g-spot and crap - then I seriously doubt sex with another woman - where the missing organ makes the act incomprehensibly complicated to the point of impossibility - would soothe my wrath at all.

[/rant]

I put this in this section, hoping to get some - if any - advice/input on my particular problem.

 

[superchicken69]

hey

well i was reading what you were writing there and it rang a few bells for me i dont like the invasion of my personal space for one and the fact it alwatys feels like we have to go to completion i get damb tired

 

[scotsmitch1959]

An interesting rant. AS for myself, I enjoyed the act of making love...the aftermath? that was a diffrent matter i couldnt wait to "clean" myself, to go away and be by myself.
I have always put that down to being told, when i was young, that sex was a dirty thing that shouldnt be indulged in at all>
Where you told that when you were younger?

 

[silverwhisper]

prettyposie quoth:
any intimacy shared with my husband or any pride that i might take out of sharing my body with him and making him feel good is lost when i'm made to degrade myself and forced to be uncomfortable for 10-20 minutes. it's a mess. it's uncomfortable to the point of painful. it's humiliating being the object of such loathsome desire.

first things first.

1. does your husband have any inkling that you dislike having sex with him? because i'm seeing a real need here for honest communication.

2. what precisely is taking place that you are left feeling degraded? is he insisting on roleplaying things you find degrading, or something else?

ed

 

[FloridaCouple]

What to describe is not normal. You do have some intimacy issues and you really do need to see a therapist.

 

[blade_rocknut]

What to describe is not normal. You do have some intimacy issues and you really do need to see a therapist.

WORD. A therapist definitely needs to hear this- you're asking a group of people who , by and large, love sex. It sounds like something turned you on ear regarding the act. Do you feel the same about sex with women? Maybe you're onto something there. By the way, the climax thing- not just a rumor, although not all ( or even most) women can climax from penetration. Regardless of how you achieve your orgasm, it's just not going to happen if you're seething with rage during the act Hope there's a magic bullet for ya, your situation sounds sad

 

[VelvetSin]

I suspect you've fallen in lust with the idea of the variety of sex in written erotica and porn, and that is normal I think. In erotica, there's rarely a wet spot someone has to sleep in and other possible discomforts are conveniently ignored or skimmed past, partners instantly know the magic buttons of each other so who needs communication when their partner knows exactly what they need, and there's magical connection that has to be worked for in reality. Real sex can be very lust-driven and deliciously rough, sensual and soft, loving and nurturing, or any other brand, but it never will be if both partners aren't on the same page as far as what each other needs and how you're both wired.

Does he know that you cannot climax from penetration? That doesn't make you odd, that makes you normal. Many, many women cannot climax from penetration (some can, but like you I think they are the exception, not the rule), and many, many men don't know that because many women think like you said, something is wrong with them and keep their mouths shut rather than talk it out, or think someone else must have told him before. If he hasn't been told what does and doesn't "do it" for you, it's not his failure that he's not hitting those magic spots with the right pressure or length of time that you need. Some women faking the big O just makes it worse for all of us, in my opinion. It's the same as a lie because it leaves her frustrated and makes him think he hit her buttons when he didn't.

You need to communicate with him openly and honestly. If this has been going for a while he will probably be hurt, but unless you want to continue to hate the act forever, it's a must. He needs to know what works for you, what doesn't, how your body works because every woman's body is different, and you may need a lesson in his body for similar reasons.

Pleasurable sex is two-sided. It's very (veeeery x 10) possible, but it takes a lot more work and communication than is ever represented in porn or erotica. It sounds to me as if you've let a bit of frustration that reality differs so much grow to a dangerous point. Maybe you are onto something with the lesbian thoughts and you shouldn't discount it, but I'd put more money on a misconception of how that perfect pleasure is achieved. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it just means you need to work it out with your partner before it hurts either of you more than it already has.

"You had the same opportunity I did, you should have taken advantage of it," may sound like a chauvinistic comment (my fiance makes me quivery for that sort of thing, but that's for another thread and forum), but it's true. You can hate sex or love and crave it, but the difference lies in how you approach it, communicate about it, and carry it out.

 

[blade_rocknut]

All good points by velvet- here's another, along the communications line- does he know HOW you masturbate? seriously, there may be no better learning tool than a little mutual educational masturbation! And it brings a little kink factor to the table ( or bed, or washing machine, or wherever you do it) I have not had sex with many people; but a good deal of sex nonetheless. One partner though; poor thing; had 2 kids- 28 yrs old, and I don't think had ever had an orgasm I was a rather accomplished ( or so it seemed) oral artist at the time and spent nearly an hour on her one night. Every time she got close ( you can tell- breathing, squirming) she would push my head away, as though she feared the feelings she was having. Weird thing is, she couldn't get enough sex, even without orgasm We're certainly not all porn stars- men and women both have trouble living up to the scenarios in porn. It is for fantasy value, not a standard against which to measure you own worth.

 

[cathrynb]

.....

 

[infinity706]

Ok, the first thing, the vast majority of women don't climax from a penis in their vagina. The vagina isn't technically even a sex organ and other than an area called the G-spot, is pretty much dead to the touch, once you really get up inside it. Once you realize that, it makes perfect sense why women aren't gettting these orgasms. I'm sure you know about the clitoris, which is the major sex organ and a miniature penis. Now, if you use your fingers, a vibrator, or something on the clit during penetration, you just might have that magical orgasm you're looking for.

Honestly, though, sex with another woman might help, if she's a skilled lover. The thing is, people focus way too much on the idea of sex = penis in vagina. That's only a tiny part of the sex out there. If you ask a lesbian, most of them don't even make vaginal penetration a major part of their sex lives unless they really love G-spot play. Real lesbians are far more likely to not only go down on each other, but do things like grinding their pussies on thier partner's bodies. For example, a thigh between the legs is quite popular. (of course, it's really the same way with gay guys, who don't actually have anal sex anymore than straight couples do) The point is, you have a lot body parts and they can all be included in great sex. You just have to redefine what "sex" is.

 

[unregistered]

 

[sunandshadow]

Some excellent advice here already. I'll just second some of it:
- Anyone seething with rage and feeling discomfort is not going to be able to come. That's not normal. Do think about whether you actually desire your husband, and do see a therapist. The only time I've ever felt like sex was an invasion was when it was with a guy I wasn't attracted to. Do you like non-sexual cuddling and being touched? Some people just don't like being touched. Also, does your husband give you oral sex, and if so do you feel the same about that as other kinds of sex?
- It is possible for a woman to orgasm from penetration, I've done it a few times, but it's not really common.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

rage

I wholeheartedly second the recommendation to get a highly skilled therapist to help. Your rage is easy to understand rage during the act of sex but only due to some pretty bad stuff. So, there is nothing wrong with you except that you learned some unfortunate things. Without more information about the anger you experience, it's pretty hard to make some recommendations other than to get help.
I salute you for having the courage to remain married in the face of such strong feelings involved in intimacy. You must have very strong will power. You are also to be commended for asking the question and being willing to seek help. Keep asking for help. we hope you'll be glad you did.
Here's a website that lists counselors:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
N

 

[poisonedLust]

there may be a few reasons your not enjoying sex with someone else..
*you are highly selfconscious..maybe your not happy with your body,or with yourself..
*your over thinking and not letting yourself enjoy the moment..
*not enough forplay..
*you are masterbating way to much! you know you have that option so you dont take advantage when your with him.
Another thing I wanted to say is the fact that a very few percent of women orgasm from just penetration...try closing your eyes and playing with your clit while he's in you then open them and take everything in slowly.try watching porn together...


**btw** Lesbians make up for not having a penis simply by being female..women know what women want..and there are tons of toys.

 

[tenchikoi]

Sex, or making love, is a VERY important, healthy thing that's vital to a successful romantic relationship, such as marriage.

Ideally, you would make love with your husband because you love him and want to be with him. If that idea repulses you, then there's definitely something not right going on on your end.

Porn is so unrealistic it's laughable. If in your mind that's what you think sex should be then you've allowed yourself to be badly misled.

Porn is not loving or respectful to women. It's mostly to satisfy a mans lust.

Having a fulfilling sexual relationship takes a LOT of work and communication.

If your husband isn't pleasing you in bed it's not entirely his fault. You have to show him what makes you feel good and how to please you.

I would highly suggest laying off the masturbation by yourself and do it together.

Sex should be fun and enjoyable with the person you love. There should be no negative feelings about it if the relationship is healthy.

 

[Kenneth19]

Well, I like oral and other stuff, but I hate actual sex myself. It just basically suck, in my opinion.

 

[fuckmeat]

Hi PrettyPosie

I think your issues are more complex than simply a lack of sexual fulfillment. How happy is your marriage outside the bedroom? People don't usually 'seethe with rage' when they are intimate with someone they love. Is it purely jealousy and resentment that he's getting his rocks off or is there something else going on there? Are you faking orgasms? If so you really must stop doing that because he'll never learn what actually pleases you unless you give him accurate feedback.

Bit of a weird question perhaps but... do you have any kind of neurological health issue?

Do you mastubate with a vibrator? I ask because those toys can pack a punch and over time they'll make your clitoris less responsive to gentler stimulation like figers or oral sex. Does your guy spend time on you with foreplay? If not that should be addressed somehow.

You don't have to sit him down and announce you hate sex with him. If you do that the man may never get an erection again. Think through the points people have made on this thread and accept responsibility for the ways in which you have failed to communicate your needs and how unhappy you are during sex. As someone else pointed out, if you're 'seething with rage' even if he was doing everything right you wouldn't be relaxed enough to orgasm. I know people have seized on the 'seething with rage' but those are very strong words and it's distressing to think of any woman suffering through sex like that. If your bloke is a decent man I'm sure he would be devastated to know how you feel about sex with him.

If your husband the only guy you've had sex with? Have you had a bad experience of sex with a previous partner?

There should be nothing wrong with you masturbating during sex. Rather than be on your back or face down, why not go on top and take control of your pleasure? You can then masturbate while you have sex with him.

If you were both virgins when you slept together, you need to keep in mind that you didn't come with a manual. Even if your husband watches porn, it's not going to teach him much about pleasing a woman. Somehow you are going to have to start giving him lessons on how your body works. Porn gives lots of people a wildly unrealistic view of sex. The women in porn use lubricants, they fake multiple clitoral and penetrative orgasms, they bounce up and down on gigantic cocks gleefully for hours at a time without getting sore, tired or simply bored shitless. If your guy's only frames of reference are porn films and you letting him think his technique is fine, you really do need to address that somehow.

If their are deeper issues with your marriage than sex and intimacy, you really need to consider therapy or whether you should even be married to this guy at all.

Do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? What are your options if you don't?

 

[Luces]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned looking into the asexual lifestyle. I don't know much about it and it may not apply, but it's something to consider. http://www.asexuality.org is a great resource.

I suppose my only question would be does any physical contact, like a hug or holding hands, upset you as well or just sexual contact?

 

[susanr33]

Maybe you need to take control of the intimacy with your man a little more. And he needs to be more sensitive to your feelings. COMUNICATE! What happened to foreplay? I wouldn't spread my legs 'til I was ready but it sounds like you just allow him to hop on just to get it over with. If you can't get him to slow down and treat you right then you both need some sort of therapy. IMHO

 

[infinity706]

Hi PrettyPosie

I think your issues are more complex than simply a lack of sexual fulfillment. How happy is your marriage outside the bedroom? People don't usually 'seethe with rage' when they are intimate with someone they love. Is it purely jealousy and resentment that he's getting his rocks off or is there something else going on there? Are you faking orgasms? If so you really must stop doing that because he'll never learn what actually pleases you unless you give him accurate feedback.

Bit of a weird question perhaps but... do you have any kind of neurological health issue?

Do you mastubate with a vibrator? I ask because those toys can pack a punch and over time they'll make your clitoris less responsive to gentler stimulation like figers or oral sex. Does your guy spend time on you with foreplay? If not that should be addressed somehow.

You don't have to sit him down and announce you hate sex with him. If you do that the man may never get an erection again. Think through the points people have made on this thread and accept responsibility for the ways in which you have failed to communicate your needs and how unhappy you are during sex. As someone else pointed out, if you're 'seething with rage' even if he was doing everything right you wouldn't be relaxed enough to orgasm. I know people have seized on the 'seething with rage' but those are very strong words and it's distressing to think of any woman suffering through sex like that. If your bloke is a decent man I'm sure he would be devastated to know how you feel about sex with him.

If your husband the only guy you've had sex with? Have you had a bad experience of sex with a previous partner?

There should be nothing wrong with you masturbating during sex. Rather than be on your back or face down, why not go on top and take control of your pleasure? You can then masturbate while you have sex with him.

If you were both virgins when you slept together, you need to keep in mind that you didn't come with a manual. Even if your husband watches porn, it's not going to teach him much about pleasing a woman. Somehow you are going to have to start giving him lessons on how your body works. Porn gives lots of people a wildly unrealistic view of sex. The women in porn use lubricants, they fake multiple clitoral and penetrative orgasms, they bounce up and down on gigantic cocks gleefully for hours at a time without getting sore, tired or simply bored shitless. If your guy's only frames of reference are porn films and you letting him think his technique is fine, you really do need to address that somehow.

If their are deeper issues with your marriage than sex and intimacy, you really need to consider therapy or whether you should even be married to this guy at all.

Do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? What are your options if you don't?

Yeah, but that 30 minute sex session in porn is also shot over the course of a day. It doesn't matter how stupid and unrealistic a position is. It can't be that bad to do it for 2 minutes at a time, with half a tube of lube. Seriously, porn is as fake as a horror movie, except you actually get to see the characters fuck. They cheat on cumshots with a mixture of egg whites. They fake squirting with a bottle of water up the chick's cunt or else, they have her drink a ton of water all day so she'll piss clear and have her play with herself while she's peeing so it'll go everywhere. Tons of pornstars have fake tits, fingernails, plastic surgery, labiaplasty (pussy plastic surgery), anal bleaching,... Especially with things like bondage porn, they fake a lot of shit with makeup and sound editing.

 

[Epmd607]

I hate sex. There. I said it. I fucking hate having sex. It's the most time-consuming, boring, useless activity I could ever be involved in with another person. Not even the intimacy is fulfilling to me.

Now, any of you Litsters reading this, do not misunderstand - I love the IDEA of sex. I get horny and aroused. I like writing erotica, I like reading it. I like watching porn. I like masturbating - more than once a day preferably. I even like drawing porn. But the act itself - don't touch me, don't look at me, asshole.

There's just something about the whole situation that inspires my unbridled rage. Even from the first nipple stroke, pussy grope or ass grab, I just tense up and want to bite someone's fucking face off. EVEN when I've just been watching porn and I'm more than "ready" for such an act, any attention, other than the kind I regularly give myself, feels like an intrusion, a violation, an interruption of what is supposed to happen.

I do not get anything out of the exchange, you see. And any intimacy shared with my husband or any pride that I might take out of sharing my body with him and making him feel good is lost when I'm made to degrade myself and forced to be uncomfortable for 10-20 minutes. It's a mess. It's uncomfortable to the point of painful. It's humiliating being the object of such loathsome desire. Whether I'm on my back, or with my face in the pillow, all I can think during the whole entire thing - from when he first enters - is, "Just fucking cum already!" and the longer he goes without doing so, the more I grind my teeth, seething with hate.

I have never climaxed from penetration. EVER. In three years of having sex. I've gotten to what some may consider "close" but honestly, it is my personal opinion that 1. either all women through the centuries are fucking liars and there is no such thing as female climax from penetration(granted it's unlikely, but my rage tends to lash outward, sorry) or 2. it's something that I'm just not capable of.

Maybe I watch too much porn and I've gotten the wrong idea about the "point" of sexual intercourse. There doesn't seem to me to be a reason for it at all except to try and reach together with someone else a goal which I could reach on my own half a dozen times within 1 hour. I guess I just make my personal connections with my husband outside of the bedroom and focus on that rather than what he could - but really CAN'T - do for my body.

Maybe I'm really a lesbian or something? I am attracted to both men and women. But since there is at least some plausible logic in climax with hetero intercourse - the whole mythological g-spot and crap - then I seriously doubt sex with another woman - where the missing organ makes the act incomprehensibly complicated to the point of impossibility - would soothe my wrath at all.

[/rant]

I put this in this section, hoping to get some - if any - advice/input on my particular problem.

You might just be asexual. Asexuality is a broader category than most people think. You can have and want marriage, companionship, friendship etc. but not physically desire sexual intimacy. IE your head likes the idea, your body is repulsed. Many asexuals fantasize about sex but are incapable of actually performing due to the feeling of violation and horror at the actual act. I think something like 1/100 people are categorically asexual.

 

[fgarvb1]

As with all people and especially females, the state of mind they are in is the most important thing followed by a reasonable and willing partner.

I related how I met this woman whom was convinced she was frigid. Yes, her boyfriend had convinced here of that. Between her own insecurities and his mental abuse hell, she didn't stand a chance.

She did not believe me when I explained to her that she wasn't frigid ( She was so frigging passionate just talking to a decent looking guy made her nipples hard.) So I arraigned for us to met in semi-private place for an hour or so.

Hell, she came so hard so many times I was surprised she could still walk!

Relaxed and lustful with someone you trust and feel safe with goes a long way with a woman and her orgasms.

Simply put, it's damned difficult for a woman to cum fucking someone you hate !

 

[BertrandRussell]

I hate sex. There. I said it. I fucking hate having sex....

How many men have you had sex with? If it is just one, then you don't hate sex, you just hate sex with your husband.
It could be that he is the world's most incompetent lover. You have had sex for three years, it fills you with rage, and he hasn't noticed??? That puts him in the bottom quintile, at least.

EDIT: That firt sentence should read: "How many men have you had sex with voluntarily?

 

[The Gimp]

A woman that I previously dated told me that she was unable to orgasm via vaginal sex. I responded by trying to make sure she came through a combination of oral sex and manual stimulation before we had intercourse. That way she was fully satisfied, and any contact that she had after she came was like icing on the cake.

 

[kevinkox]

Try to stop masturbating and see if it helps - it did for me.