What's wrong with it?

[sxylilslut]

Hello, I know I am very new to this part of the forum and didn't comment on a lot of stories yet but the ratings on that story are so disappointing I wanted to know what was wrong with it? My guess is it was submitted in the wrong category...what do you think?
It's called Private Tutoring.
Thank you!

 

[Boratus]

I'd like to know if a girl such as this exists. She's at a school where guys demand blowjobs and she watches strippers, and yet she seems INCREDIBLY naive when it comes to sex and giggles at "cock" and "pussy", but at the same time she shaves her bush! wtf? I couldn't figure out if such a girl not have stronger inner conflict about sucking her teacher's cock being her first intimate action with him or it's ok as long as she used words like "penis" and "vagina".

Also, you gave great descriptions of the spanking and the blow job but briefed over her own experience when she got licked which I would think would be the most vivid.

Overall I liked it, especially the twist in the bathroom where you thought Tom was going to give her her first taste. I would like to see where this story goes from here. I think you just need to better define your main character.

 

[sxylilslut]

Thanks Boratus I didn't realize she was so all over the place.

 

[Adam Rightmann]

I can see this as more of a nonconsensual story than a first time, you might have gotten a better response there.

It's still a good story, though you might want to explain the bald pussy.

Thanks,

Adam

 

[kbate]

I didn't have a problem with the "shaved" or with the non-consent and category choice aspects; those do not make a whit of difference to me. I did have a slight problem with the "underage/highschool" connotation, which may not account for poor reception of your work but in my opinion lowers the value of the story.

I also had some difficulty with a few grammar problems and poor word choices, but these are easily overlooked as they are few.

 

[Angelique Bouchette]

Comments on Private Tutoring

Hello, I know I am very new to this part of the forum and didn't comment on a lot of stories yet but the ratings on that story are so disappointing I wanted to know what was wrong with it? My guess is it was submitted in the wrong category...what do you think?
It's called Private Tutoring.
Thank you!

The basic story was quite good, but a shy beginner like the girl in this story, would NEVER go to school bra-less and she would NEVER shave her mons. Your vocabulary seemed a little limited, when describing the oral sex? Have you tried using a Thesaurus (there's one built into most word processor software) to broaden your word range? The description of the teacher bringing the girl to orgasm was strangely brief?

Also, your brief story description:
'Professor teaches a young virgin.'
is not going to attract many Literotica readers. Try changing it to something like:
'Schoolgirl virgin discovers oral sex, while in detention!'
This should increase your reader base. Whatever you do, don't give up! Your writing style will improve with practice.

 

[sxylilslut]

Thank you for the comments.
Feel free to give me examples of my poor word choices; I can imagine what they are but I would appreciate if you could point them out to me, and the word you would have chosen instead.
And for the record, English is the third language I learned

 

[kbate]

came to him >>>>> went to him
had a moment of >>>> had in a moment...
to get some much >>>> to do, to perform, to complete...
very apparent >>> apparent (ok but somewhat redundant)
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Contractions - hadn't, there's, wasn't, Don't use them except in dialogue.
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In the dialogue, you do not need to make a new paragraph for every comment as well as the actual dialogue. This distracts as one is looking for more dialogue.

tripled punctuation...does not... really...help....the...story flow. a comma works as well as ... in most places.

You got away with the typo "chocked" for "choked"

A Sample of things I would change were I editing... not all, but some.

I still keep coming to my own university days and thinking that in 9 years of assorted classes, I never had to take a pop quiz, thus the underage connotation.

 

[sxylilslut]

Thanks
Yes originally, in my mind, it was a high school girl but I'm sure a lot of girls, myself included, finished high school well into their eighteenth year. Funny my editor overlooked those things.

 

[an1rishman]

Learning to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde

I have just registered on this site after hearing ur audio file. My God girl that was awesome and so HOT. R u going to make some more and if so please let it be asap.
Love ur accent too - where r u from if u dont mind me asking

 

[SportyAnna]

Well i liked the story and the idea.
I don't see anything wrong with your story! Keep writing em!