What's the WORST porn you've ever read?

[mrmgp]

It can be an online story or an adult paperback. What porn have you read that you want to nominate for the worst piece of erotica you've ever encountered?

My nominee is a paperback I read in the 70s titled: He Fucked Mom and Daughter. With a title like that, you just know you're reading high-caliber stuff. The book is beyond horrible. Lousy story that feels like a few pages here and there were left out during printing, shitty dialogue, poor sentence structure, goofy plot, asinine ending. I would actually like to find a copy (if any exist intact instead of having been burned or thrown in the trash) to read again to see if it's as bad as I remember.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I used to have quite a collection of porn paperbacks. I used to get them for like three for a buck with their covers torn off. The worst was probably a gem called "Stockbroker's Secretary". You can guess what the story was about.

The author had a thing about people "driving their fingers". Someone was always driving their fingers against someone else's woman- or manhood, and when they weren't, they were crying, "Drive those fingers, baby! Oh, drive them! Don't stop driving those fingers!"

For the life of me, I can't understand what the author found sexy about driven fingers.

 

[mrmgp]

I used to have quite a collection of porn paperbacks. I used to get them for like three for a buck with their covers torn off. The worst was probably a gem called "Stockbroker's Secretary". You can guess what the story was about.

The author had a thing about people "driving their fingers". Someone was always driving their fingers against someone else's woman- or manhood, and when they weren't, they were crying, "Drive those fingers, baby! Oh, drive them! Don't stop driving those fingers!"

For the life of me, I can't understand what the author found sexy about driven fingers.

Just gotta love the dialogue in some of those old novels.

 

[xanadus]

Worst Porn

Back before porn became more literate, the paperback books were there and they were terrible. They did what they were meant to do, and that is get the reader off. One in particular that I remember was one called "Trailer Trash". It seemed like everyone was just waiting for someone to "fuck" them. Absolutely no dialogue at all.

So, that would have to be my vote on the worst porn ever.

x

 

[Brinnie]

the first one I ever read.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

I can't remember the name of it, but the "plot" was a woman who fantasized about her neighbor coming over, tieing her up, and making her do things. Then lo and behold! He did. The dialogue was horrible.

As she was being told what to do, she would ask the guys three or four times and he would keep repeating, "Yes."

"You want me to suck your cock?" she asked.

"Yes."

"You want me to lick your rod?" she asked.

"Yes."

... and on and on.

 

[tintarron]

Definitely the wrestling fic at wowefa.com. It used to be a guilty pleasure of mine but its total vacuity soon drove me insane. That and the fact that more and more of the posted stories were clearly written by 14 year olds. Here's a snippet:

'As she runs at of breath then she quickly starts to breathe much faster then
Randy takes his 14 inch cock in hand a jerks it a little then he aims and
slowly puts in Torrie's lovely pussy he could feel her pussy walls tighten
so he shoves his cock all the way in then starts to thrusts faster and faster
then he starts to go as fast as he could as Torrie and him moan in pear
pleasure.

Randy: OHHH GOD TORRIE! OHH I LOVE YOUR SWEET PUSSY OHH GOD UHH OHH!

Torrie: YES RANDY OHH GOD YOU RE GOING TO KILL ME WITH YOUR BIG ASS DICK!
OHHHH GGGGOOOOODDDD!!!!!!!!'


-t

 

[Sigmund_Freud]

Torrie: YES RANDY OHH GOD YOU RE GOING TO KILL ME WITH YOUR BIG ASS DICK!
OHHHH GGGGOOOOODDDD!!!!!!!!'

How do you say "gggooooddd" - what does that sound like? Porky Pig having an orgasm?

"Oh- g, oh-g, oh-g, oh-g, D-d-d-daffy drive those fingers!"

 

[tintarron]

How do you say "gggooooddd" - what does that sound like? Porky Pig having an orgasm?

"Oh- g, oh-g, oh-g, oh-g, D-d-d-daffy drive those fingers!"

Haha - ahhh, my first guffaw on the board. Unfortunately, also a very disturbing mental image...

 

[Boxlicker101]

Depending on how you define "worst porn" some of the smut I write could qualify. There is no plot; there is no character development and there is no tension or conflict of any kind. A woman calls the narrator. He goes to her house and eats her pussy and they fuck until they both cum. Then he leaves. By literary standards, that's terrible but by stroke standards, I think it's usually pretty good. Some of them have a little more to them than that but that pretty much describes most of them.

 

[lizzybit26]

How do you say "gggooooddd" - what does that sound like? Porky Pig having an orgasm?

"Oh- g, oh-g, oh-g, oh-g, D-d-d-daffy drive those fingers!"

.... wiping the diet coke off the monitor.....thanks

 

[mrmgp]

How do you say "gggooooddd" - what does that sound like? Porky Pig having an orgasm?

"Oh- g, oh-g, oh-g, oh-g, D-d-d-daffy drive those fingers!"

And let's not forget the attempts at writing out the sounds people make during orgasm.

"Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Long John Silver busting a nut?
"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Now who the fuck born on this planet would make this sound? A purple-skinned, four-breasted nympho on Rhycon Cantera IV perhaps, but certainly no Earth woman.

 

[Munachi]

some of the stories in the german board are funny if not even sad... wouldn't help much to quote them here though... ah and one example comes to my mind where someone obviously took an english story and just let it go through an online translator and posted it. now, if you know anything about online translators you will realize taht it was impossible to even understand the story...

 

[Guest]

And let's not forget the attempts at writing out the sounds people make during orgasm.

"Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Long John Silver busting a nut?
"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Now who the fuck born on this planet would make this sound? A purple-skinned, four-breasted nympho on Rhycon Cantera IV perhaps, but certainly no Earth woman.

I remember "Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! Macha! Macha!" from Cave Man, that cult classic starring Ringo Starr and Shelley Long.

But it isn't porn, however. And to be palatable it needs to be taken with alcohol.

Much like many of these so-called literary works, I suppose.

My least favorite is always the "I'MMMMMMMM CUMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!"

If she can say it for that length of time, the sex must not be any good.

 

[tintarron]

I remember "Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! Macha! Macha!" from Cave Man, that cult classic starring Ringo Starr and Shelley Long.

But it isn't porn, however. And to be palatable it needs to be taken with alcohol.

Much like many of these so-called literary works, I suppose.

My least favorite is always the "I'MMMMMMMM CUMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!"

If she can say it for that length of time, the sex must not be any good.

Absolutely. But it also spooks me because it codes a little image of the author in the text, holding down M then I then N then G with masturbatory relish. Because isn't one reason for the awfulness of a lot of this stuff that the stroking is going on actually during composition? I read one story where 'he' transformed into 'I' halfway through.

-t

 

[Guest]

Absolutely. But it also spooks me because it codes a little image of the author in the text, holding down M then I then N then G with masturbatory relish. Because isn't one reason for the awfulness of a lot of this stuff that the stroking is going on actually during composition? I read one story where 'he' transformed into 'I' halfway through.

-t

Laughing -

OK - that evokes an image I'm not too certain I wish to have!

 

[tintarron]

Laughing -

OK - that evokes an image I'm not too certain I wish to have!

It depends on the author though. Perhaps sometimes the image is far more exciting than anything in their lazy fiction.

-t

 

[Guest]

It depends on the author though. Perhaps sometimes the image is far more exciting than anything in their lazy fiction.

-t

We can always hope.

It doesn't make up for an 800-word story with only two paragraphs and three adjectives throughout, however.

 

[shiresa]

My worst? sadly it is probably something I wrote.

I have a problem writing erotic fiction. My plots take off and I forget to write the erotic part.

So i decided to write a short story that started with sex and didnt go anywhere else.

After reading what I had wrote, I found that I could actually hear the cheap 70s music in the background. The Dialog was dead. The situtaion was cheesy. The sex was forced sounding and uninviting. All in all it felt to me like a cheap porn that had hired braindead hookers because they couldn't afford actors

 

[Boxlicker101]

My worst? sadly it is probably something I wrote.

I have a problem writing erotic fiction. My plots take off and I forget to write the erotic part.

So i decided to write a short story that started with sex and didnt go anywhere else.

After reading what I had wrote, I found that I could actually hear the cheap 70s music in the background. The Dialog was dead. The situtaion was cheesy. The sex was forced sounding and uninviting. All in all it felt to me like a cheap porn that had hired braindead hookers because they couldn't afford actors

Actually, that doesn't sound all that different from most of my stories. I compare them to a porno loop, with strictly sex and no plot, except that I do have some dialogue and I do somewhat set the stage first.

 

[shiresa]

Actually, that doesn't sound all that different from most of my stories. I compare them to a porno loop, with strictly sex and no plot, except that I do have some dialogue and I do somewhat set the stage first.

But from the little red H's on your story list I assume you do it much better than i did

 

[ZfrkS62]

easily the Gundam Wing fanfic some of my female friends were writing in high school.

i could never get through the first paragraph for two reasons:

a) they put themselves into their stories/episodes and i could never imagine them with the anime style faces

b) the stories always started off with the sex, and it didn't include the girls, which horribly enough, was not the main problem, it was the act that they tried to hide the fact that it was sex with little metaphors and crap like "making music" and "ending thier song in unison".

I much rather would have watched one of Cinemax's horrible late night movies

 

[TxRad]

On another site I browse through occasionally I came across a story that was one long half a screen page paragraph, no punctuation at all, and about the grade level of..... I really don't want to guess.... What it was about I really couldn't figure out and the parts that I could figure out were anatomically impossible.....

I've seen better stories written with smilies........ At least they weren't misspelled....

 

[jason999]

I can't remember the name of it, but the "plot" was a woman who fantasized about her neighbor coming over, tieing her up, and making her do things. Then lo and behold! He did. The dialogue was horrible.

Bwah! That was hilarious. Picture that Dom Delouise character from "the Simpsons" saying that:

"You want me to suck your cock?" she asked.

Ye-eeeeeessssss...

"You want me to lick your rod?" she asked.

Yee-EEEESSSSSSSSS!

Hee.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Actually, that doesn't sound all that different from most of my stories. I compare them to a porno loop, with strictly sex and no plot, except that I do have some dialogue and I do somewhat set the stage first.

Dammit! That's my, erm... 'style' too.