What's going on?

[tvashorny]

Hi all, I'm kinda new around here, but I seriously need some help.

I'm in a relationship just about to hit the 2 year mark in August. We started out pretty hot and heavy, but in the last couple months, it's cooled down significantly. I think the last time we had sex was in April, and the last time we slept in the same bed was June (which, for a 21 year old guy, is torture if we're both naked the entire night yet no release). She's been busy taking summer classes, but even recently, she's hardly kissed me at all. What's going on here? I've told her on occasion that I need more physical intimacy but her only responce has been that it'll have to wait. Not sure what to do anymore, so if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

 

[EJFan]

welcome to lit... i'm sure you'll get a number of excellent responses.

have you asked her WHY it'll have to wait? this is a pretty long drought and it sure sounds like something's up... it could be medical, physical, psychological... very hard to say. if there's any chance of getting beyond it, i thnk it has to start with you asking her that question and i think it has to be asked in a caring, non-sexual context with emphasis on the point that your intimacy together is important in the emotional sense.

 

[coolr]

i don't want to just blatantly say what i think is obvious but it sounds to me like the relationship isn't gonna last much longer

 

[SweetErika]

i don't want to just blatantly say what i think is obvious but it sounds to me like the relationship isn't gonna last much longer

That's a pretty big conclusion considering we don't know the people or situation at all. Just about every long-term relationship has at least one big drought, and plenty of couples make it through them, stronger even.


I'll echo EJ's welcome, TVA, and wait to comment for the moment.

 

[silverwhisper]

what changed a few months ago?

ed

 

[Eilan]

what changed a few months ago?

Good question. More details, please.

It's not uncommon for hot-and-heavy relationships to cool off a bit after a point, but if all the sex and affection has stopped, then you want to try to figure out why without being whiny and accusatory. A lot of folks around here tend to be of the opinion that sexual issues often--but not always--have their roots in out-of-the-bedroom issues.

Communication: It's not just fer yellabellies anymore.

 

[cplwhoplayzc2c]

Hey guys, while i may be newish here as well, i have to agree every relationship goes through this, you need to politely ask her what the deal is communication is everything hubby and myself went through this at our 2 1/2 year mark. I belive it may be as little as shes worried an focused on school or perhaps something else is bothering her but no need to jump to conclusions untill you sit her down and chat to her perhaps take her out to a romantic dinner an lightly approach the topic? or try surprising her with something to rekindal (sp) the love an romance? just my opinion hope it helps a little bit

 

[coolr]

That's a pretty big conclusion considering we don't know the people or situation at all. Just about every long-term relationship has at least one big drought, and plenty of couples make it through them, stronger even.


I'll echo EJ's welcome, TVA, and wait to comment for the moment.

i'm just speaking from my own experience here, everytime something like this has happened to me, the relationship ends from my side or theirs w/in a few months. i may be ignorant on the long term side of things since i've never made it through something like this

 

[tvashorny]

Hey guys, while i may be newish here as well, i have to agree every relationship goes through this, you need to politely ask her what the deal is communication is everything hubby and myself went through this at our 2 1/2 year mark. I belive it may be as little as shes worried an focused on school or perhaps something else is bothering her but no need to jump to conclusions untill you sit her down and chat to her perhaps take her out to a romantic dinner an lightly approach the topic? or try surprising her with something to rekindal (sp) the love an romance? just my opinion hope it helps a little bit

Hmm, thanks for the advice. Also, in regards to our relationship may be ending soon comments, I don't think that's quite the case yet. I still love her deeply, and I know that she loves me as well, it's mostly an intimacy thing. I'm just not sure what would make our relationship as intimate as it once was. If it's just a communication issue, I'll start working on that right away =)

 

[M's girl]

Intimacy is needed for sex, well, in my case it is, but sex is not always needed for intimacy. From my experience I'd have to say I can go a long time without sex before I start worrying about our relationship. Although that has changed a bit since my current relationship, where sex has always been a very important part. That has not changed eversince we met two years ago. But in my previous relationship sex almost completely ended after two years and then we were together for another 5 or so after that

It took me a long time before I realized that things were not going to change back (I believed it would for a long time), because the intimacy was still there for some time. When that finally ended too, and we were more like brother and sister, I started to worry and think this was not how I wanted "us" to be anymore.

Others have said before there can be so many issues and factors that influence this situation. I agree also that you two at least need to talk. Establish what it is. Sex and a relationship is all about chemistery between two people, in ánd outside the bedroom. And sometimes you are just not on the same level for a period of time. And that's OK too, you know. You are two different people with each your own feelings and issues. But you feel bad about it, obviously, so for your own peace of mind you need to have it cleared and talking will help, although you should not expect for it to turn things around (or back) imediately. Like with so many other things in life the not knowing (what is wrong?) in this case is probably worrying you more than the not having sex.

I also think that, up to a certain level, you owe your partner some. What I mean is: if you have a relationship where you agree to be monogamous, sex is the one thing you can only get from your partner. I'm not saying she should have sex with you just because you want it, but she needs to understand (and it would be the other way around too) that you have your needs too. If she expects you to NOT look for it somewhere else she should at least make an effort. But that is AFTER you two have talked and you have expressed your needs and that you only want and need this from her. That is, if you have agreed upon a monogamous relationship.