Whats a guy to do?

[atallthin1]

I am very interested to know if there is a place a guy can get a real "DATE" with a lady, you know- the face to face, look in their eyes type of meeting? I have been on several "Date" sites, and never seem to be able to get anyone to actually meet in person. Well, let me refraze that, anyone who I would be interested in. I can find lots of ones who I am not interested in, but the ones that I am looking for just don't seem to be out there anywhere. I am 52, widowed after a 18 year wonderful marriage, been rejected by E-Harmony for being too picky. I know what I want and that is a tall long legged lady with small breasts and long hair. But they all seem to be hiding?
I have been told that I have a great sence of humor, am a romantic, and I do believe in treating a lady like a lady. So any help or advice that you could offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[DrHappy]

You need persistence with the dating sites. It's a lot of work, and you'll get lots rejections, one after another. However, you can eventually meet someone. Even when you meet someone in person, it often doesn't work out after the first date. Regardless, online dating can result in more meaningful interaction with available single women than many other avenues. Some people hate online dating. I enjoyed meeting people, even when we weren't a great match in real life. I eventually married someone whom I met online.

What exactly happened with your eharmony experience? It might be useful to discuss this.

 

[SweetErika]

Your problem is that you're screening women out based on specific physical traits, rather than their whole profiles.

You should be willing to compromise on the long hair thing at least. Women in your age range are unlikely to have long hair for a variety of reasons (primarily, most feel it looks ridiculous at their age). However, maybe you could meet someone you are a great match with who just happens to have shorter hair, and down the road she just might be willing to grow her hair out some because longer is your preference. Or maybe you'll decide you really like/love her, regardless of what her hair is like.

Consider this: are YOU such a huge catch that you can afford to be super picky about specific physical traits? Are YOU in really good shape? Do YOU have an outstanding personality? Do YOU have the financial resources to make a woman feel really secure going into retirement? Are YOU free of addictions, habits and quirks that are relationship-killers?

 

[The Gimp]

Finding a date online is a learned skill but with a bit of trial and error it's not a difficult thing to do. By narrowing your search to tall long legged women with long hair and small breasts you just wiped out 98% of the dating pool. The numbers speak for themselves, there's no way around it. Without those standards there will be a huge pool of women to choose from. With the standards you'll have to get lucky to find any.

Your requirements are comparable to a woman saying that she is only interested in dating a doctor or a lawyer who doesn't have any kids. If the standards are that important to you then be prepared to spend a lot of time waiting.

 

[atallthin1]

answers

I will start at the top, I filled out the questionere on E-Harmony, and went thru all their menu's, and then was told that they would not be able to match me with anyone. I was not locked into tall/long hair ect. I do have an open mind, and would welcome other women, I normally put on type- slim, athletic, average. With an age range from 38-50, all ethnicities, with one of the only NO's being smoking.
I am far from being perfect, and know that I am not on the top of anyones catch list. But I also know that there are a lot of women that say that they want a nice guy who can show them respect, who treats them like a lady, and who also has a romantic side. Yet with all the "date" sites out there, I still have the same question of why is there no ladies willing to meet face to face?
I have been looking for several months, and have only had reply's from those who are at the far end of the spectrum.

 

[sunkissedblues]

Do you translate your personality and intentions correctly online?

You tell us all that you know how to treat a woman, want to treat her right, are a romantic looking for the right lady...but not all women respond to that "one size fits all" approach. Often when a person talks to another that way ("i'd love to take you to a dinner and open the car door for you", "I love buying women gifts and showing them appreciation") especially without having met them, it can feel as if they're being talked at, and not talked to. If a woman feels like you are giving her the same conversation and lines that you are giving other woman, she will not feel special, and will likely not be willing to meet you in person.

I have no experience with online dating, but have helped my roommate and mom navigate these websites and conversations with various men. I've seen men use this approach and it feels very impersonal and very insincere even if it is. Some things don't translate properly in text.

 

[DrHappy]

I've heard that after filling out the eharmony questionnaire, some people have gotten a message like "We don't think that you are ready for dating right now." That response was based upon the answers to the compatibility questionnaire. Did you get a message like this?

Or did eharmony say say something like "There are no matches at the moment, please logon again in a few days?" Or was there message more like: "We can't help you. We're giving you a refund."

Do you live near a large metropolitan area? or a small town?

I used Match.com (before I was married), too, but preferred eharmony. With Match, you might need to send out a message to 10 to 20 women before you'll get an acknowledgement, much less a date. The response rate will depend upon your local demographics, but it's very plausible to expect this. It can be a lot of work. Keep track of whom you've sent messages to. Persistance!

 

[Cattypuss]

The OP's spelling is terrible.

I spent a year or so on dating sites. I met my current partner more than three years ago on a dating site.

When I was on the dating sites I agreed to meet several men. All of them knew how to spell and how to string a sentence together. Online dating is, initially, an environment in which we are judged on how (as well as on what) we write.

The OP's attitude is also not doing him any favours, but other respondents have touched on that already. Sunkissedblues makes some VERY good points.

 

[atallthin1]

I've heard that after filling out the eharmony questionnaire, some people have gotten a message like "We don't think that you are ready for dating right now." That response was based upon the answers to the compatibility questionnaire. Did you get a message like this?

Or did eharmony say say something like "There are no matches at the moment, please logon again in a few days?" Or was there message more like: "We can't help you. We're giving you a refund."

Do you live near a large metropolitan area? or a small town?

I used Match.com (before I was married), too, but preferred eharmony. With Match, you might need to send out a message to 10 to 20 women before you'll get an acknowledgement, much less a date. The response rate will depend upon your local demographics, but it's very plausible to expect this. It can be a lot of work. Keep track of whom you've sent messages to. Persistance!

My reply from Eharmony was to the effect of I am uncompatible and there is nothing that they can offer me. I have kept trac of who i sent messages to, and at current it stands at 167 out/ 22 in/ 2 meetings in person- 1 not a match, and the other was in a relationship but wanted some friends.

 

[SweetErika]

I've heard of eharmony rejecting people for being bicurious and bisexual (even if they're monogamous) and having certain preferences that are incompatible with the type of people they want on their site.

That may or may not apply to you, but it could be a number of things, including your location. Maybe there really aren't any suitable eharmony matches for you in your part of OK.

There might be some info on how the software screens people so you can figure out if a certain thing got you booted from the system.

Anyway, if you're flexible, I'd suggest expanding your age range to 55. A LOT of women become single after 50 (often because they wait until after the kids have left/are full adults to divorce), and surely a woman who's a great match but has a few years on you won't make a difference.

As others have said, spelling, grammar and the way you present yourself make a huge difference to many women. After all, if you can't be bothered to proofread and run a spellcheck on your profile and posts, how serious are you? Likewise, it's clear people are more serious when they mention specifics, try to make connections and ask great questions (so you seem genuinely interested and the conversation has somewhere to go) when they send messages. I'd suggest taking a critical look at your stuff and editing it, then enlisting a female friend or two to give you outright honest feedback on your profile, and even the type of messages you're sending, so you can see where you might be losing your audience.

I'm always happy to meet I find intriguing and to be good matches for coffee or something similarly light in a safe place. Actually, if someone won't meet me in a reasonable amount of time (say, a month or 10 emails, TOPS), I move right along because I want an in-person relationship, not a virtual one, and an unwillingness to meet quickly almost always signals there's something up with them that I want nothing to do with. My main goal in meeting is to see if there's chemistry in person; if there is, I'm happy to move on to a date/longer involved activity. If there's not, I only spent an hour or two of my time meeting the person and I never fail to learn something from the experience. So, I don't think there's much to your assertion that women don't want to meet. There must be at least one good reason why they're not willing to meet you and/or you're seeking out women who don't have a positive attitude about meeting, aren't great matches, are on the site for the wrong reasons, etc.

 

[atallthin1]

information

Thank you for your womans insight, I will take a step back and examine various aspects of things and see where it goes next. Also, I did read your story, it was very interesting. I was expecting him to propose to her at the end till you mentioned that he was already her husband. Excellant!

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Do you translate your personality and intentions correctly online?

You tell us all that you know how to treat a woman, want to treat her right, are a romantic looking for the right lady...but not all women respond to that "one size fits all" approach. Often when a person talks to another that way ("i'd love to take you to a dinner and open the car door for you", "I love buying women gifts and showing them appreciation") especially without having met them, it can feel as if they're being talked at, and not talked to. If a woman feels like you are giving her the same conversation and lines that you are giving other woman, she will not feel special, and will likely not be willing to meet you in person.

I have no experience with online dating, but have helped my roommate and mom navigate these websites and conversations with various men. I've seen men use this approach and it feels very impersonal and very insincere even if it is. Some things don't translate properly in text.

I've heard of eharmony rejecting people for being bicurious and bisexual (even if they're monogamous) and having certain preferences that are incompatible with the type of people they want on their site.

That may or may not apply to you, but it could be a number of things, including your location. Maybe there really aren't any suitable eharmony matches for you in your part of OK.

There might be some info on how the software screens people so you can figure out if a certain thing got you booted from the system.

Anyway, if you're flexible, I'd suggest expanding your age range to 55. A LOT of women become single after 50 (often because they wait until after the kids have left/are full adults to divorce), and surely a woman who's a great match but has a few years on you won't make a difference.

As others have said, spelling, grammar and the way you present yourself make a huge difference to many women. After all, if you can't be bothered to proofread and run a spellcheck on your profile and posts, how serious are you? Likewise, it's clear people are more serious when they mention specifics, try to make connections and ask great questions (so you seem genuinely interested and the conversation has somewhere to go) when they send messages. I'd suggest taking a critical look at your stuff and editing it, then enlisting a female friend or two to give you outright honest feedback on your profile, and even the type of messages you're sending, so you can see where you might be losing your audience.

I'm always happy to meet I find intriguing and to be good matches for coffee or something similarly light in a safe place. Actually, if someone won't meet me in a reasonable amount of time (say, a month or 10 emails, TOPS), I move right along because I want an in-person relationship, not a virtual one, and an unwillingness to meet quickly almost always signals there's something up with them that I want nothing to do with. My main goal in meeting is to see if there's chemistry in person; if there is, I'm happy to move on to a date/longer involved activity. If there's not, I only spent an hour or two of my time meeting the person and I never fail to learn something from the experience. So, I don't think there's much to your assertion that women don't want to meet. There must be at least one good reason why they're not willing to meet you and/or you're seeking out women who don't have a positive attitude about meeting, aren't great matches, are on the site for the wrong reasons, etc.

Both of those are excellent responses. Listen to them.

I've had some success with the online dating sites, but I had a lot more failure with them. I think that's to be expected, though. Having tried different sites at different times over the past decade, and having seen the successes and failures that different friends have had with them, I endorse OkCupid.com. As long as you're honest, both with yourself and about yourself, I think it's the one that provides the most "tailored" matches. It's definitely what worked best for me, but I do have friends who've married people they met through eHarmony and others that are dating people they met on Match.

 

[DrHappy]

I think that someone may have mentioned this already, but I'd suggest that you have a friend look over your profile. They can proof read, but they may also notice things that might possibly be off-putting to others that you may have missed.

 

[Loverskitten]

I've been at the online thing for a while. It's extremely frustrating, most guys don't want to meet and I'm convinced they are on there purely for ego boosting attention. They will message and text but when it comes down to meeting, they get distant? Then there's the one's who want you to come to their house on a first date. I don't think so.

I've only tried the free sites so far. I've heard pay sites like match are better, as people are more serious about meeting. I think I'll give it a try.

 

[subwannabe]

You know, I can see a lot of things from your post that can be giving you trouble. Some things others have already pointed out so I'm going to try to avoid rehashing them. Finding someone is not easy but it seems to me like you are basically using only one basket - the internet. There's nothing wrong with that but why have you seemed to have given up on avenues other than the internet? Are you looking for a carbon copy of your previous wife? Have you tried counseling at all? Maybe EHarmony was doing you a favor by not wasting your time on trying to find someone they knew they didn't have. If so, congratulations to them. Other places may have continued taking your money when they knew they didn't have anyone you would be interested in. The more I think about it the more I think you are trying to find your first wife all over again and it is very unlikely that is going to happen. It is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime but that doesn't mean they have to be clones. It's kind of like when you have three kids. All of them can be very different but that doesn't mean you just love one and not the others. Somehow you have got to find a personality to love and see what the person looks like afterwards. If they are a complete turn off then you move on to possibility #2, etc. To be critical, you are passing up on a lot of good possibilities by weeding people out by breast size.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Perhaps you could post one of the messages you sent out to someone, so we can see how you approach people? I think it's crucial to come across the right way, and sometimes it can be hard to tell how you're projecting yourself, even though others can see it in a flash.