What would you do?

[lightsaver]

If a loved one, shared with you, a turbulent experience from their past.
One that could, be classified as criminal. The kind of moment, that would change any person's life, because they survived it. Afterwards, you both discuss it and you both reach a point of feeling like you understand each other just a teeny, tiny bit better. Because you also had an eerily similar experience.
The feelings of sharing at that level, bring you both closer.

Fast forward>>>>two years later>>>your loved one, approaches you for a serious conversation and warns you that it is heavy. As you both agreed that heavier topics would be best suited to discussing only when mutually possible. As life steps in and a host of other issues can make anyone's ability to listen and comprehend, more challenging than usual, if under stress.

You agree, its a good time, you can listen and be available. And what you hear, is at its core, the recollection from two years ago.
Not exact, as you remember details not mentioned this time, from when you first heard it two years ago. What do you do in a situation like that?

Its obviously a quandary for me, input is appreciated.
Thank you in advance

 

[ReadyOne]

If a loved one, shared with you, a turbulent experience from their past.
One that could, be classified as criminal. The kind of moment, that would change any person's life, because they survived it. Afterwards, you both discuss it and you both reach a point of feeling like you understand each other just a teeny, tiny bit better. Because you also had an eerily similar experience.
The feelings of sharing at that level, bring you both closer.

Fast forward>>>>two years later>>>your loved one, approaches you for a serious conversation and warns you that it is heavy. As you both agreed that heavier topics would be best suited to discussing only when mutually possible. As life steps in and a host of other issues can make anyone's ability to listen and comprehend, more challenging than usual, if under stress.

You agree, its a good time, you can listen and be available. And what you hear, is at its core, the recollection from two years ago.
Not exact, as you remember details not mentioned this time, from when you first heard it two years ago. What do you do in a situation like that?

Its obviously a quandary for me, input is appreciated.
Thank you in advance

I fail to see the quandary. Is because details don't match or are inconstant?

Or is it because the loved one needs some kind os support that you can't identify or can't provide?

 

[playwithlezli]

I fail to see the quandary. Is because details don't match or are inconstant?

Or is it because the loved one needs some kind os support that you can't identify or can't provide?

That's what I was thinking too-sorry light-I am not quite clear on what you are asking.

But if it is because of lack of consistency in the story, well, I know that is frustrating, but traumatic events sometimes come back to haunt us with a different set of details or highlights at different times. Or they may trigger other memories but get all rolled together.

In very rare cases, people will just make shit up to get attention. But attention is a valid human need, right up there with food, air and water. So, while the method may not be appropriate the need is real.

Don't know that this has helped at all, so I will just send a hug (and sneak in a too!)

 

[iswallowloads]

What was the reason for talking about it again? Did they just need to unload, or not remember talking about it in the past?

As a previous poster said, details in traumatic situations are always sketchy at best. So it would depend on which details changed or what was added/subtracted to really know what's going on there. It really sounds as though some therapy may be needed.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Hello Dear light*hugs*
Sharing personal things is a compliment, it shows a trust. I have people approach me with things, I usually thank them for sharing because of the trust it indicates
I am not sure it is a quandary. You could gently tell her in the midst of sympathetic words if you feel like she needs to know. Was she seeking advice or reliving the painful event? Sometimes people will omit memories to help them better cope with past painful experience. So, I do not see a reason to remind her that she already revealed this story to you. If by some chance you reveal facts she disclosed in the earlier story and she notices you can explain that she shared the experience with you at an earlier date.

 

[lightsaver]

I fail to see the quandary. Is because details don't match or are inconstant?

Or is it because the loved one needs some kind os support that you can't identify or can't provide?

Ok, no problem. If you don't see a quandary, that helps me.
Because to me, to hear the story two years ago and then two years later, the person re-tells it to me, as if I never heard it before - is a bit off putting.
Should I mention I remember or no? I do not know. And yes, details from the first time I heard it have been inconsistent. I can have a faulty memory, the basics are there, but the approach is as if I was being told for the first time.
When I clearly remember hearing it 2 years ago.

In case I am wondering over nothing, I needed to know.

 

[lightsaver]

That's what I was thinking too-sorry light-I am not quite clear on what you are asking.

But if it is because of lack of consistency in the story, well, I know that is frustrating, but traumatic events sometimes come back to haunt us with a different set of details or highlights at different times. Or they may trigger other memories but get all rolled together.

In very rare cases, people will just make shit up to get attention. But attention is a valid human need, right up there with food, air and water. So, while the method may not be appropriate the need is real.

Don't know that this has helped at all, so I will just send a hug (and sneak in a too!)

Sorry for any lack of clarity. It is difficult for me to describe it all, think it stems from how odd it was to experience this...I thank you for the hug and smooch!
As far as your input goes, thank you.
I could not connect the dots, as to how come this person forgot they told me this before. And it felt odd. For lack of a better word. I do not doubt the story stems from truth. The oddity, for me was in not knowing how to place the fact that I seemed to remember the first time I heard it .....all on my own.....she made no reference to us having this conversation before.
For eg.:
Where I got an initial to represent a name this time around, I could remember the name from when I heard it for the first time..2 years ago.
Where I got a general location, this time around, I could remember the neighbourhood from when I heard it for the first time..2 years ago.
But what you said, does help.

 

[playwithlezli]

Ok, no problem. If you don't see a quandary, that helps me.
Because to me, to hear the story two years ago and then two years later, the person re-tells it to me, as if I never heard it before - is a bit off putting.
Should I mention I remember or no? I do not know. And yes, details from the first time I heard it have been inconsistent. I can have a faulty memory, the basics are there, but the approach is as if I was being told for the first time.
When I clearly remember hearing it 2 years ago.

In case I am wondering over nothing, I needed to know.

She may know that she told you the story, but it may sound like it is coming out for the first time if she is re-living it. Maybe something has happened to trigger those or other memories.

Earlier this year I went through several months of terrifying nightmares and daylight memories as if it (the previous abuse) had happened just that day. At different times I would remember things I had blocked out. And each time it was as if it were just happening for real, again or even for the first time.

I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

If I were you, I imagine I may feel slighted if my friend had forgotten she told me something so important, but in the end this is about her and for her, so it may be a good time to lay aside own's ego.

IMHO-

 

[lightsaver]

What was the reason for talking about it again? Did they just need to unload, or not remember talking about it in the past?

As a previous poster said, details in traumatic situations are always sketchy at best. So it would depend on which details changed or what was added/subtracted to really know what's going on there. It really sounds as though some therapy may be needed.

Thank you for your feedback.

Both are correct - Just needed to unload....AND does not seem to remember telling me about it 2 years ago.
Details did not change drastically. From my memory, which is not perfect, the basics of the story is not something anyone would soon forget.
This time around, effort was made to give less detail. Its kind of weird for me, and this is just my opinion, but its weird for me to hear about this all over again and when I am told (this time around) that "X" (initial only) did so and so and I remember "X's" name from the first time I was told this story - do I act as if I do not know "X's" real name from the first time I was told the story?

Or leave it be?

 

[LitJunkie]

If it was me I would openly talk to the other person about the situation. Although it is a little off-putting that the story is being retold like you've never heard it, my biggest reason for being upset would be questioning the bond of love and trust I felt had been built from the original conversation.

Not only were you there for this individual then, but you've probably shared a multitude of other thoughts and feelings because of this closeness that you've felt since.

If I am talking out of my rear-end here, please just ignore my virgin literotica ramblings.

 

[lightsaver]

Hello Dear light*hugs*
Sharing personal things is a compliment, it shows a trust. I have people approach me with things, I usually thank them for sharing because of the trust it indicates
I am not sure it is a quandary. You could gently tell her in the midst of sympathetic words if you feel like she needs to know. Was she seeking advice or reliving the painful event? Sometimes people will omit memories to help them better cope with past painful experience. So, I do not see a reason to remind her that she already revealed this story to you. If by some chance you reveal facts she disclosed in the earlier story and she notices you can explain that she shared the experience with you at an earlier date.

Thank you Gi
I did express gratitude. That much I was clear on doing. From the first time I heard it 2 years ago, to recently, I still believe it was about unloading grief. From what I have read from you and each person who generously contributed, it is not necessary to remind her that she already told me this story.
What I have learnt here, is that there is no quandary. It sometimes can occur with regards to traumatic events.
I did not know this. I knew a little about how details of one's traumatic past could come in bits and pieces or as a whole.....or hole for that matter. But I did not know that one could forget who they told their story to.
Thank you again my friend. I think now, it is best I continue to do as I did and act as if I heard the story for the first time.

 

[lightsaver]

ReadyOne thanks for trying to figure out what I was trying to say

iswallowloads - thanks again and commendable username. True, no doubt!

 

[lightsaver]

If it was me I would openly talk to the other person about the situation. Although it is a little off-putting that the story is being retold like you've never heard it, my biggest reason for being upset would be questioning the bond of love and trust I felt had been built from the original conversation.

Not only were you there for this individual then, but you've probably shared a multitude of other thoughts and feelings because of this closeness that you've felt since.

If I am talking out of my rear-end here, please just ignore my virgin literotica ramblings.

If you are talking out of your ass, then we make good company,
Because what you said, describes the mixed feelings I had about it better than I could have expressed myself. Thank you

Yes, aside from the off-putting effect, it did make me wonder....isn't that all in my ego though?

I went to therapy to deal with my eerily similar story waaay before this person ever told me about her incident for the first time. To settle the odd feeling I had from knowing she told me this two years ago, I needed a gauge of sorts to help determine if it was helpful or unhelpful to remind her that I heard it before.
From what I have read thus far, it seems as if it is okay to not say anything about it and that its really her call to seek counselling.

Although I could easily be speaking from my ass right now, without realising it.

 

[playwithlezli]

I think you have made the right choice light, just sit and listen and hug. There may be fewer details now, because they no longer need purged, or maybe she is going through a period of shame. I don't know, I am not there. But she is in good hands, and very lucky to have you as a friend.


Also, you are not talking out your ass, otherwise it would smell bad in here, and it doesn't, it smells like your pretty flower!

 

[lightsaver]

She may know that she told you the story, but it may sound like it is coming out for the first time if she is re-living it. Maybe something has happened to trigger those or other memories.

Earlier this year I went through several months of terrifying nightmares and daylight memories as if it (the previous abuse) had happened just that day. At different times I would remember things I had blocked out. And each time it was as if it were just happening for real, again or even for the first time.

I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

If I were you, I imagine I may feel slighted if my friend had forgotten she told me something so important, but in the end this is about her and for her, so it may be a good time to lay aside own's ego.

IMHO-

Thank you for your Insighful Humble Opinion (IHO)
I don't know how I missed it but it may have something to do with having to cook dinner and racing to tidy up the place for said dinner.

Yes, thank you for sharing lezli and when you say earlier this year.... we are at mid-Jan. 2009. so I am sorry for any raw memories I may have instilled in you with this thread. I know better, PTSD folks need disclaimers.
I am one of them, too.
Ultimately, I seek is advice in how to be helpful and not hurtful.
At the time of writing this thread I was without direction. You are right, I can place my ego aside. I just did not know, that was in fact the helpful thing to do. I do now, have a better comprehension as to why this is the better move to make as a friend.

 

[playwithlezli]

Thank you for your Insighful Humble Opinion (IHO)
I don't know how I missed it but it may have something to do with having to cook dinner and racing to tidy up the place for said dinner.

Yes, thank you for sharing lezli and when you say earlier this year.... we are at mid-Jan. 2009. so I am sorry for any raw memories I may have instilled in you with this thread. I know better, PTSD folks need disclaimers.
I am one of them, too.
Ultimately, I seek is advice in how to be helpful and not hurtful.
At the time of writing this thread I was without direction. You are right, I can place my ego aside. I just did not know, that was in fact the helpful thing to do. I do now, have a better comprehension as to why this is the better move to make as a friend.

ok i guess earlier last year, and I thought I was picky!

but now that you mention it, i saw a healer earlier THIS year, or wait no sorry, very end of last year. for a physical ailment, and not only did the pain die down a little, i had a series of dreams about the person who abused me, and in the last one I forgave him and told him so. the physical pain is still greatly reduced 2.5 weeks later

also what is for dinner, I am starved!

 

[lightsaver]

ok i guess earlier last year, and I thought I was picky!

but now that you mention it, i saw a healer earlier THIS year, or wait no sorry, very end of last year. for a physical ailment, and not only did the pain die down a little, i had a series of dreams about the person who abused me, and in the last one I forgave him and told him so. the physical pain is still greatly reduced 2.5 weeks later

also what is for dinner, I am starved!

lol, ahhh well even "raw" comes in variations. That is quite cool, the healer and patient dynamic. Powerful stuff there kiddo,
I had a lymphatic drainage massage whilst on vacation earlier last year, OUCH!
and I felt years of pain taken off me. Physically, it felt like speedbumps, and nothing about it was relaxing, in fact it hurt. But afterwards, I felt renewal. So on some small level, I can appreciate what you have shared. Thank you.
I'm happy to offer on tonight's vegetarian menu:
Stir fried veggies, mushrooms, broccoli, carrots, bamboo shoots, tofu and some other stuff I am too lazy to type out.
Fried rice with peas and carrots.
Simple tossed salad with Romaine, ice berg, chinese cabbage and some watercress.

Help yourself, there's Killian's on ice too

 

[playwithlezli]

lol, ahhh well even "raw" comes in variations. That is quite cool, the healer and patient dynamic. Powerful stuff there kiddo,
I had a lymphatic drainage massage whilst on vacation earlier last year, OUCH!
and I felt years of pain taken off me. Physically, it felt like speedbumps, and nothing about it was relaxing, in fact it hurt. But afterwards, I felt renewal. So on some small level, I can appreciate what you have shared. Thank you.
I'm happy to offer on tonight's vegetarian menu:
Stir fried veggies, mushrooms, broccoli, carrots, bamboo shoots, tofu and some other stuff I am too lazy to type out.
Fried rice with peas and carrots.
Simple tossed salad with Romaine, ice berg, chinese cabbage and some watercress.

Help yourself, there's Killian's on ice too

Have I told you lately that I love you?

 

[lightsaver]

Have I told you lately that I love you?

I shan't forget

 

[playwithlezli]

I shan't forget

derget

 

[iswallowloads]

ReadyOne thanks for trying to figure out what I was trying to say

iswallowloads - thanks again and commendable username. True, no doubt!

Thanks

Glad I could help. Your friend's very lucky to have someone like you.

Is that homemade fried rice? I've tried it myself at least a dozen times and always screw it up. What's the secret?

 

[lightsaver]

Thanks

Glad I could help. Your friend's very lucky to have someone like you.

Is that homemade fried rice? I've tried it myself at least a dozen times and always screw it up. What's the secret?

Oh goodness, thank you.

Yep, homemade. Well the recipe I use is for ovo-lacto vegetarians - a fancy way of saying no meat, no eggs but dairy. Makes it easier for me, as I don't have to figure out how to add eggs without getting the rice all mushy.

So I heat some peanut oil, a tsp. of minced garlic & ginger,
toss in the frozen peas and carrots. Stir fry for a few mins. Separate. Add a bit more oil to fry the already cooked rice.
After a few mins, add some aniseed powder, a dash of paprika, some salt and pepper to taste, re-introduce the peas and carrots, toss about until you hear it cracklin' and if you taste it and feel it may need some soy sauce, add a dash or two.
To be honest I taste before adding anything.
I think the aniseed makes the difference. Found at any local Chinese grocery.

 

[playwithlezli]

Thanks

Glad I could help. Your friend's very lucky to have someone like you.

Is that homemade fried rice? I've tried it myself at least a dozen times and always screw it up. What's the secret?

the secret is to keep it light

 

[lightsaver]

the secret is to keep it light

You're trying to get me to blush, aren't you?

 

[playwithlezli]

You're trying to get me to blush, aren't you?

busted