What would you do if you were in my position?

[lilsubangel]

Not sure this even belongs here, but I feel more comfortable posting it here. I am in a dilemma and here is my situation….

I was married many years and divorced four years ago because my husband was unfaithful. Two years later he married the “other woman.” Although I divorced him, he has since apologized for his part in our divorce, but I still have not accepted that. We also have four grown children and a grandchild.

After our divorce I remained in the area where we lived and the ex moved across the country. The children remained with me.

Due to family situations, I needed to move back home to be with my parents and siblings and my children decided they did not want to move across state with me, so they decided to move in with their father across the country, with the promise from my ex that he would send them home for Christmas. Well, lo and behold he’s changed his mind. (I should have known better.) Instead, he’s offered to pay for my airfare and has invited me to spend Christmas with him and our children in “HIS” home, with his wife. I have already told my children that I would not be visiting. The other thing is that my grandchild will be there as well, celebrating her first birthday over the Christmas visit.

I don’t want to spend Christmas with my ex. I hate him for what he’s done to our family. And even though my kids want me there---the idea of spending Christmas with him, in his home, along with his wife just makes me cringe. After all, my ex cheated on me with her, and now he’s asking me to live in THEIR house for a week?

Today I received a letter from my ex asking me to reconsider because our children want me to be there. My ex stated that what happened in the past needs to remain in the past and that I should put that part of our lives behind me for the sake of the children. Problem is…I’m not ready to do that yet.

Now...“IF” I do decide to do this, I now have another problem…I just started a new job and will not have any vacation time to take, and even if the new company were to give me the time off, they won’t pay me for that week, and I can not afford to go an entire week without a paycheck.

So...think you can help me?….What would you do if you were in my position? Would you reconsider?

 

[nh23]

This is just me..but I wouldn't let anything stop me from seeing my kids. I would suck it up and go anyway.

 

[EmpressFi]

I dont have any kids..but .. I'd go and see them.. fuck him and the cow he rode in on.. but your grandchild isnt going to have a first birthday again..

 

[HottieMama]

i'm with Nicole on this one. Fuck him. This is about your kids.

 

[Bandit58]

I would feel uncomfortable too, and expecting you to stay in the same house with him and his new wife is a bit much.

Is there any way you could stay in a hotel/motel for a week and just visit your kids during the day? Or have them come visit you? When I went back to NZ I stayed with friends and went and got the kids in a borrowed car and spent the day with them away from the ex.

 

[intothewoods]

I'd also go for the kids. The single most determinative factor in the emotional health and well-being of kids of divorced parents is that each parent gives thei kids permission to love the other.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Nothing at all would keep me from my kids. I'd be wherever they are come hell or high water.

 

[minx1]

I thought exactly the same as bandit......

To be honest I think he is expecting a little too much of you to stay in the same house as him and his partner. He is right its in the past, but thats a pretty easy outlook to have as the one in the comfortable position of being in a new relationship and having the children fulltime.

Staying in a hotel and visiting for the day might be an 'easier' option. Personally I would be able to bite my tongue and be civil for a day....a week may on the other hand, might be asking a little too much!
At the end of the day, if you can't manage it and the atmosphere will be tense and loaded...it will make for a pretty miserable time all round, especially the kids who may feel torn.
I would stay a few days, in a hotel. Visit them at home one day and go out for a meal/days out with the kids another time.

Hope it works out...I don't envy you at all!

 

[h_i_s]

I'd say HELL no to a holiday with the new happy couple.. .:*barf ... gag.. puke*:.

We also have four grown children and a grandchild.

They are grown. For me, that is key in how I would decide how I would get through this whole awkward situation.

I would not feel obligated to spend any time with him and his new wife at all.
It's clear that you are not nearly able to forgive your exhusband. If I were you, I expect I would be dealing with anger and pain, still. Kids are not stupid. Kids who are grown are not only not stupid but are also pretty good at tuning in to the BS, and tension in the air. I wouldn't try to fake my way through some sort of perfect holiday for them with the ex and his new wife. The tension and raw emotions are still too new and would be an ingredient for more hurt added to the recipe. It would not make for a happy time for anyone.

What I would attempt to arrange:

1)Grown kids can be in on the issue to some degree. While I am all for not dragging them into the issues between mom and dad... I absolutely also do not support grown children being entirely sheltered from reality. While it should be handled carefully and in no way that should speak poorly of the dad.... open and honest communication is best and important, for all. If they are grown, I would treat them as the adults they are and talk with them. I would not bad mouth at all... I would simply give them the facts.. something like:

Mom has a new job ... can't get that much time off. Dad has a new wife and wishes time with all of you too. We all love you kids to the moon and back, and your Dad is a great Dad and now that I am no longer his wife, I am far too uncomfortable spending time with him .... and if his new wife were added to the mix, it would not bring about emotions for me which will lead to a happy holiday experience for anyone.

2) Grown kids can drive or hop on a plane.. whichever the case may be. I would suggest to them that arrangments be made for a halfway meeting spot between his home and your's. Meet with the kids at a family type restaurant for just an afternoon (or more if you can manage) ...and do a birthday thing with the grandbaby... plus all in one dinner and holiday gift exchange thing.

3) If #2 is not an option....... 1 year old grandbabies do not read calendars. I would try doing the birthday thing after Christmas. Invite the kids to your home during that week following Christmas....... or for New Year's. Do the entire holiday thing all rolled into one on New Year's Eve... and the next day do the grandbabies party thing.

Either way, I really feel for you...You are in a very delicate and sensative , complicated situation. I hope you find a solution that works well for everyone.

I understand the need to be with your kids very well, I've been there done all that (except the new wife crap....... I WISH and PRAY that my ex's would marry because then maybe they would not be such pains in the asses for me..... ).
I can only imagine how you would feel having to spend time with the happy new couple... and in just imagining I know that for me... if it were me, it could never happen. I could not be civil in your shoes. I would want to fucking kill them both..... slowly.. withgout anyone ever knowing.. err .. or proving that I did them both in. That's just honesty though.. that's just me. I feel no need to be the bigger person. The bigger person doesn't cheat and then marry the mistress... in my perfect fantasy.

 

[WriterDom]

I wouldn't go. Instead I'd shit in a big peanutbutter jar and spring load it, wrap it in foil and overnight it to him as a present.

 

[h_i_s]

I wouldn't go. Instead I'd shit in a big peanutbutter jar and spring load it, wrap it in foil and overnight it to him as a present.

I like this idea too.
Yay! @ you, WD.

 

[intothewoods]

You know, I answered a bit too quickly, because I sort of assumed we were talking about younger kids. You said they had decided to live with their father - so I was assuming they weren't of age.

If we're talking about grown kids, I more or less agree with sinn's approach. Speak honestly without bad mouthing. Make concrete plans to see them at a different time. They'll appreciate that.

As to staying at the house, I don't think you have to do that, no matter what the age of the kids.

I don't know - kids just want their parents - and they don't really care about the rest. To the extent you can make that happen without being so miserable that the whole trip is a disaster anyway, I say go. If not, I would speak with each of them, and make plans to have a family visit at another time. Maybe you go see them for Easter, for example.

Best wishes.

 

[LittleJade]

I'd go. He's right- he was a rat in the past, but that's the past, and your kids are more important than he is...

Go. If you can't stay in his home, articulate that to him, and see if y'all can work out a hotel or something. You have grown kids- are they all still living at home, or can you stay with one of them?

As to work- your kids are your kids... soemtimes you need to make sacrifices for them. I know that's tough- going a week without pay does suck, when money's tight.. but where there's a will, there's a way.

 

[callinectes]

I think Sinn has given you brilliant advice, I agree with her 100%

IMHO, a major consideration is your job. You have just started a new job..taking a week off during the holidays when you are new usually isn't a good idea. You also sais you couldn't afford to go without a paycheck for a week. It seems to me that is your answer..you have to do what is best for you in the long run...and being gainfully employed is pretty darn important. Yes, that is awfully pragmatic thinking, but we are talking about adult children, not 7-year-olds.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wouldn't go, and I would also without malice but clearly let your children know why, how you feel, and that you are a little disappointed they would even consider it possible and for their own reasons tey and persuade you to comply. They are grown, and perhaps a little to comfortable with what they get from Dad? After all, they didn't want to bother moving across state to be with you, but they could up and move across the country to be nearer their father and new wife?!! Wouldn't that have entailed a lot more moving and organising? Sounds a little like too many excuses and not enough consideration of your emotions and position, not to mention respect for you.

You could counter offer them the opportunity to visit with you either before, during, or after Christmas, or at worst take the plane ticket and fly over but arrange a separate Christmas dinner elsewhere to which your former husband and wife were not invited, and definately not stay with them, even if it means you basically fly in, have dinner and soon after fly back home. I see it as emotional blackmail and manipulation of you, if not blatent disregard for your feelings just as he did when he thought it OK to have an affair. He says he is sorry? Well as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words, which can be very cheap...his actions speak louder in terms of his not being sorry and quite pleased with all he has and has done to you and the former marriage, not to mention his still breaking his word by not sending them back to you for Christmas as he promised....what has changed?...nothing. Take back your power and don't let yourself be manipulated by the pulling on your heartstrings and basically saying you have no right to feel the way you do. It won't be easy, but far easier than being sat at his table surrounded by his new life with your family and his former mistress basically taking your place, while you are left feeling like the black sheep who is expected to be grateful to be included.

Catalina

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I couldn't do it

The children are grown. It doesn't seem like anyone is taking your feelings into consideration. Catalina said all the things I wanted to say, much better than I could have...so read it again and act like I wrote it please.

Luna

 

[callinectes]

Heh, Catalina said what I was thinking about the kids. I just couldn't think of a way to say it as nicely as she did.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh well, being such a cad, it would not surprise me if he already has another mistress on the go and perhaps his idea of you staying with them was so there might be enough distraction for him to slip away for some Christmas cheer with her. Let's face it, statistics show that those who cheat will do it again, even with a new partner in the mix. He certainly doesn't sound like someone who has learned the error of his ways, paid for it in any form, or has any regrets.

Catalina

 

[lilsubangel]

Thank you all for your responses. I have some personal issues to take care of today, but I will address all your responses once I've finished with those. Thank you again.

 

[h_i_s]

I wouldn't go, and I would also without malice but clearly let your children know why, how you feel, and that you are a little disappointed they would even consider it possible and for their own reasons tey and persuade you to comply. They are grown, and perhaps a little to comfortable with what they get from Dad? After all, they didn't want to bother moving across state to be with you, but they could up and move across the country to be nearer their father and new wife?!! Wouldn't that have entailed a lot more moving and organising? Sounds a little like too many excuses and not enough consideration of your emotions and position, not to mention respect for you.

You could counter offer them the opportunity to visit with you either before, during, or after Christmas, or at worst take the plane ticket and fly over but arrange a separate Christmas dinner elsewhere to which your former husband and wife were not invited, and definately not stay with them, even if it means you basically fly in, have dinner and soon after fly back home. I see it as emotional blackmail and manipulation of you, if not blatent disregard for your feelings just as he did when he thought it OK to have an affair. He says he is sorry? Well as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words, which can be very cheap...his actions speak louder in terms of his not being sorry and quite pleased with all he has and has done to you and the former marriage, not to mention his still breaking his word by not sending them back to you for Christmas as he promised....what has changed?...nothing. Take back your power and don't let yourself be manipulated by the pulling on your heartstrings and basically saying you have no right to feel the way you do. It won't be easy, but far easier than being sat at his table surrounded by his new life with your family and his former mistress basically taking your place, while you are left feeling like the black sheep who is expected to be grateful to be included.

Catalina

Right on, Cat'.
Exactly what i am thinking... and you phrased it so much more nicely than I would have were this my life (and ex and kids and new wifey-broad..) that we are talking about. Big nod of agreeemnt and huge thumbs up to your post........

I'm cleaning cupboards and posting on my short breaks from the bleach fumes.
I only touched the surface on this subject. ... dealing with what I feel is the main idea and most important... etc.. blah blah blah.

I didn't have time nor energy today to go into it as you have...
and your post says exactly what I would add.

 

[h_i_s]

The only other thing I would add is directed at some of the replies here.

It is very easy to say, "Oh I would be fine. Oh I could deal with that. Oh I would be ok. Oh I'd be so mature and adult about this. I could do it for the kids.".

And suddenly if it all becomes real and it's YOUR LIFE we are talking about......
the reality of it will change your tune real quick.

It is easy to picture yourself in someone else's shoes until they are your shoes and you HAVE to walk in them.

All the nay sayers who think they would handle it all so perfectly and saintly are spouting a crock of shit.

It's easy to say "I would this and I would that" when speaking of divorce and kids. It doesn't seem so OK, and so easy when it is YOUR divorce and your kids.
People are so quick to step up and proclaim that they would do differently and that they will be different. Everyone wants to beat the statistics.
The reality is that as much as we all want to do what is best and be different..... the majority of couples dealing with divorce DO NOT handle it well.
Those who do the right thing regarding divorce are a rarity at best.

If people were as understanding and willing to accept and deal as perfect adults as those posting on this thread claim........... our probate courts wouldn't be so constantly jammed with divorced and separated adult couples who need the courts to jump in and order what is best for the kids.



Talk is so frigging cheap.

 

[EmpressFi]

I never said I'd handle it perfectly. I never said I'd handle it well. I know it's difficult, I know it's more tension than family events should have. Even in the "best" divorces.. when the new people come around.. or.. when the ex husband (my brother) brings the new wife (former mistress) to birthday parties where the ex wife and her family are in attendance... yeah.. things gets.. weird.. and yeah.. the kids are grown and yeah..they were pretty crappy to their mother.. but the grandchild is 1 year old and honestly.. my intention was not to say "suck it up" but more .. thinking about the regret that might be felt down the road.. and THAT.. I do know about... I live with it almost every day... Almost 21 years ago.. I had the opportunity to allow my mother to present my high school diploma to me .. in front of my entire home town..and because .. in my stupidity (because we kids do stupid, mean, inconsiderate things to our parents sometimes).. in my stupidity, I was ashamed of my hick mother..and I told her no, she couldnt do it... almost every day I relive that scene.. her looking at me from the stage, asking if she could.. mouthing "please"..and in slow motion, the shake of my head..and the look of defeat as she gave in and stopped asking. Things were never the same after that between us.. and if I could travel back.. I'd change things..

The title was "what would you do if you were in my position"... and I answered with what *I* would do..because I know what it's like to live regretting missing a once in a lifetime event... and wouldnt.. couldnt.. go through that again.

Find a hotel room someplace else in town.. but that baby is only going to turn 1 once... sure, there are videos and pictures..but it still would have been missed... and once it passes by.. it's gone..

 

[somberReality]

If I were you I'd go, even if it kills you to do it. Seeing the kids and grandchild will help with whatever you feel negatively while you are there. And you might regret it if you don't go.

*hugs*

 

[catalina_francisco]

Personally I think she has done more sucking up than she should have been expected to do...continuing the pattern only encourages further abuse from all corners, most of all her former husband. And yes, everyone only turns 1 once in their lifetime, but once again, as a grandmother and mother, they are 1 for awhile and apart from the sentimentality our society pushes us into thinking is the ultimate, they only turn 2, 3 10, 13, 15, 21, 25 etc once too and it is not always possible to be there for that one day, but possible to let them know you are there for them always no matter whether it is their birthday or not. In this situation, the child is not going to remember, the occasion of their being loved is more important than sacrificing one's emotional health to be there for just that one day...it can be celebrated in an environment that is less hostile and which would also be of greater benefit to the child and it's pleasure also.

I do not see submission as being a doormat, especially to a man who makes no effort to be considerate and continues to lie and steal those emotional ties so easily. I also think it foolhardy to advise risking her income and financial independence just so she can say she was there for that day...once again, you can bet it isn't going to cost him anything.


Catalina

 

[EmpressFi]

again.. the title was "what would you do if you were in my position?"

consider it asked and answered

and I dont believe anyone has brought in being a submissive into this.. I know I didnt..

yeah.. maybe I am too sentimental.. but that's me..and again.. I was supposed to answer with what I would do... and I couldnt add more regret to what I already have...