What went wrong?

[RocketLauncher]

I published a story in Non Erotic for the first time on Literotica (Erotica is not my forte) and although the ratings aren't bad they were 'okay'. I've had other Non Erotic stories published on line and in print and the reception has always been well received. Would love some insight as to why this particular story received a lukewarm response. Writing style? Subject matter? Would love an opinion or two so I can decide whether to let it rest or go forward and send it out to other sources. I understand that the subject matter is not to everyone's taste, but is there some glaring mistakes I have overlooked? If anyone bothers to peruse it thank you in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-pink-gorilla-prostitute

 

[Jada59]

I published a story in Non Erotic for the first time on Literotica (Erotica is not my forte) and although the ratings aren't bad they were 'okay'. I've had other Non Erotic stories published on line and in print and the reception has always been well received. Would love some insight as to why this particular story received a lukewarm response. Writing style? Subject matter? Would love an opinion or two so I can decide whether to let it rest or go forward and send it out to other sources. I understand that the subject matter is not to everyone's taste, but is there some glaring mistakes I have overlooked? If anyone bothers to peruse it thank you in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-pink-gorrila-prostitute

Page not found.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Thanks messed up the link, needed coffee apparently. Fixed it. Sorry
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-pink-gorilla-prostitute

 

[Jada59]

Well... I read it but couldn't really see the point of it. A lot of the words were over my head but it could be because I'm in the US and that lingo isn't common here. I have no clue what a gorilla vest might be, or why all the mention of drugs. Sorry. Guess I wasn't much help.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Actually you were a lot of help. If the main article of clothing is unfamiliar to most it makes the title redundant. A Gorilla vest is a faux fur sleeveless jacket. Thank you.

 

[Emirus]

A Gorilla vest is a faux fur sleeveless jacket.

Very often I read the writer’s biography and the vast majority of the time it’s worthless. Its not as if the questions are asking for intimate details. But, for example, giving your sex, age and country can often help understanding a story better. But as for commenting on the story:

1. It was a long time before I found out the narrator was a woman. Possibly because I am a man and your pen name I assumed the narrator was a man. You read it differently when you know it’s a woman.

2. What is a gorilla vest? You had an opportunity in the 3rd paragraph to clarify this “and a pink faux fur gorilla vest.”

3. Similarly in the 5th paragraph. “animal prints, faux fur pink gorilla vest or whatever.”

However, in mitigation, the assumption that the reader knows what you are talking about is not limited to Australian writers.

 

[NotWise]

At the time of my reading your story only had 13 votes. That number may be too low to give a representative score.

The story is quite short, and shorter stories often earn lower ratings.

I had no problem with the vocabulary. You explained 'gorilla vest' before I read it, but I think I'd have figured it out by context.

Readability (or the difficulty thereof) is probably the story's biggest problem.

The story telling is interesting, but I think it's part of the reason for the reaction you seem to be getting. Ideas appear and disappear again. Characters come from nowhere at odd times. Events are disjointed. The story does come through if the reader wades in deep enough, but that could be too much to expect.

There are a couple other readability problems. Your paragraphs are large blocks of text which I found a little challenging to follow, and some of them include seemingly unrelated ideas that should have been in different paragraphs. Your sentences are often long and complex.

More dialogue would have helped break up the blocks of narration.

This is not a readability problem. This story seems to build up to announcing that the woman in the gorilla vest is a prostitute, as if that should be a surprise. That might have been a more effective reveal if her description hadn't already made it seem likely, and the title hadn't already made that clear.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I liked it. It may not be intentional, but the story has a bit of a Nathanael West feeling to it (I mean that in a good way). I'm also reminded of T.C. Boyle.

I liked that the gender of the narrator wasn't revealed immediately. It's a bit unconventional but that's okay. Possibly a revision of the title as suggested by the person above is worth considering.

I'm trying myself to get used to the idea that scoring isn't everything. Anyway, please keep going. Just curious, what other sites are you considering for publication?

 

[RocketLauncher]

Your insights are invaluable. I appreciate the time all of you have taken to discuss this with me.
My tale is based on actual events and is a character sketch that unfolded exactly as I had written it rather than a plot driven story. I was intrigued by the vulgarity of the protagonist. My information came from disjointed hearsay and my own observations. Her being a prostitute is fact and not a climactic reveal. What drove her to set a fire and endanger the lives of others was what I found fascinating.
Lol was definitively colloquial and in retrospect I could have handled it in a more literary manner, but at the time I was under the impression that it delivered an informal feel to the readership. My mistake, lol.
Life isn't linear but I understand that to a casual reader one expects continuity in a story.
So, overall it seems to be the general consensus is structural (paragraph, dialogue) and discontinuity. I will definitely try my hand at making a more formulaic story and work on my flow. It is but one chapter of a series of character sketches of the rather bizarre personalities that resided in my inner city apartment complex.
@ gunhilltrain you have paid me, perhaps inadvertently, one of the highest compliments I have received on any of my writings. T.C. Boyle is an author I hold in the highest of regards and any comparison to his literary genius, whether it be good or bad, is fine praise indeed. I've had two stories published in University Press editions many moons ago, nothing spectacular, I know, probably out of circulation years ago but inspirational nonetheless. Poetry Free for All ( more of a critiquing site) and Full Grown People are a couple of sites I've dabbled in.
Wonderful, insightful critiques. Again, my most heartfelt, sincere appreciation to have such experienced, esteemed author's opinions on my small literary contribution.

 

[gunhilltrain]

T.C. Boyle

I read his new The Relive Box and Other Stories about three weeks ago. I think I read all the stories in the book which I don't always do for collections.

 

[RocketLauncher]

I read his new The Relive Box and Other Stories about three weeks ago. I think I read all the stories in the book which I don't always do for collections.

Have you read The Descent of Man? My absolute favourite of his.Drop City runs a close second and Wild Child, If the River was Whiskey are good too. Descent of Man is hilarious, insightful, somewhat disturbing and highly bizarre. Picked it up and read it in one sitting. The Relive Box is next on my reading list.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Lol colloquial?

LOL, OMG, ♥ Added To The Oxford English Dictionary
Amy Lee The Huffington Post
The stalwart bastion of language, the Oxford English Dictionary, will now include ♥ and LOL as real words worthy of etymological recording.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There's a strange, curious energy to this piece of writing. It's certainly not traditional, it's not linear, there's no story, no plot. But it certainly paints a very vivid picture, it's like a crazy Fellini movie from the sixties, a mad kaleidoscope of a circus, crazy characters in the streets, vibrant colour, noise, movement.

Scores will mean nothing for this piece, and you'll get more head-scratcher comments (as you have already). I'd look at this more as an experimental piece that I think actually works. Indeed, the narrator comes across just as crazy mad as the world she's describing, the mad woman in her outrageous clothes and tottering heels.

The chopping and changing of the narrative, its disjointedness, was okay for me - it's madness - but I think it could have been broken up into shorter paragraphs to make it easier to actually follow the jumps.

Yes, it's curious strange. It's not the usual type of writing around here, but in my mind, that's a good thing. Nothing went "wrong" - unless you thought it was like all the rest. It's quite different. I liked it - it comes across as experimental writing, and there's nothing wrong with that.

EB.

 

[Alice_Rosaleen]

I agree with ElectricBlue and commented accordingly

 

[RocketLauncher]

There's a strange, curious energy to this piece of writing. It's certainly not traditional, it's not linear, there's no story, no plot. But it certainly paints a very vivid picture, it's like a crazy Fellini movie from the sixties, a mad kaleidoscope of a circus, crazy characters in the streets, vibrant colour, noise, movement.

Scores will mean nothing for this piece, and you'll get more head-scratcher comments (as you have already). I'd look at this more as an experimental piece that I think actually works. Indeed, the narrator comes across just as crazy mad as the world she's describing, the mad woman in her outrageous clothes and tottering heels.

The chopping and changing of the narrative, its disjointedness, was okay for me - it's madness - but I think it could have been broken up into shorter paragraphs to make it easier to actually follow the jumps.

Yes, it's curious strange. It's not the usual type of writing around here, but in my mind, that's a good thing. Nothing went "wrong" - unless you thought it was like all the rest. It's quite different. I liked it - it comes across as experimental writing, and there's nothing wrong with that.

EB.

I agree with ElectricBlue and commented accordingly

I love Fellini, John Waters, Herzog AND Boyle. My tastes are unconventional and I suppose it shows in my writing. Not everyone's cup of tea, apparently. Your opinions mean the world to me. Throw a truckload of negativity my way and it's all good if a few readers mention Boyle and Fellini when referencing my work. Makes the effort worthwhile and highly rewarding.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I thought it was a pretty badass piece of writing.

 

[MelissaBaby]

BTW, I think you always risk some degree of negative response when you include drug references in a story.

 

[gunhilltrain]

More on Boyle

The only novel I've read is Budding Prospects, which I see was made into a TV movie but I never knew about it. He had a couple of short stories in Harper's which I would guess were from another collection.

 

[RocketLauncher]

The only novel I've read is Budding Prospects, which I see was made into a TV movie but I never knew about it. He had a couple of short stories in Harper's which I would guess were from another collection.

I'm not fond of some of his novels but he is the master of the short story. Definitely check out Descent of Man, you'll be glad you did.
Didn't know they made Budding Prospects into a movie. Adding it to my list which is becoming quite expansive.

 

[RocketLauncher]

I thought it was a pretty badass piece of writing.

Your opinion means a lot to me. I pull snippets from my sordid past when writing Non Erotic. As I'm sure you're well aware, life is stranger than fiction.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Your opinion means a lot to me. I pull snippets from my sordid past when writing Non Erotic. As I'm sure you're well aware, life is stranger than fiction.

I mentioned in My Fall and Rise that my cellmate was rumored to have burned down a store because she was mad that they stopped carrying a brand of chocolate pudding she liked. I think I have a pretty good imagination, but I don't believe I'd have ever thought that up.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she told me that a family in our town was quite upset. It seems they buried a family member in a lovely spot by the river and planted a tree over the grave to remember him by. They went to visit the grave the other day and discovered that beavers had gnawed the tree down.

Life is indeed stranger than fiction.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I mentioned in My Fall and Rise that my cellmate was rumored to have burned down a store because she was mad that they stopped carrying a brand of chocolate pudding she liked. I think I have a pretty good imagination, but I don't believe I'd have ever thought that up.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she told me that a family in our town was quite upset. It seems they buried a family member in a lovely spot by the river and planted a tree over the grave to remember him by. They went to visit the grave the other day and discovered that beavers had gnawed the tree down.

Life is indeed stranger than fiction.

BTW, that beaver story is definitely going in the next chapter of Mary and Alvin.

 

[AwkwardMD]

One of my biggest influences was Joss Whedon. I watched every single episode of Buffy and Angel in which he did commentary, and one of the things that stood out to me the most was the way he wrote crazy. He had many characters who were mentally out to lunch, but they had an authenticity that others lacked.

Crazy always makes sense to itself. Just because it looks like madness from the outside doesn't mean it isn't orderly and purposeful.

I can't provide offsite links, but google "adam the artist the unticket" and listen to the interview. It's 11 minutes long, so not a super time drain. Adam knows what he's trying to say and he thinks he's explaining himself perfectly, but to this sports radio personality it sounds like completely meaningless drivel.

When writing non-linear narrative, the same rule applies. Don't just write chaotic word salad. I already have a whole shed full of octopus hats and I don't need any more. Figure out what story you want to tell and tell it.

 

[RocketLauncher]

I mentioned in My Fall and Rise that my cellmate was rumored to have burned down a store because she was mad that they stopped carrying a brand of chocolate pudding she liked. I think I have a pretty good imagination, but I don't believe I'd have ever thought that up.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she told me that a family in our town was quite upset. It seems they buried a family member in a lovely spot by the river and planted a tree over the grave to remember him by. They went to visit the grave the other day and discovered that beavers had gnawed the tree down.

Life is indeed stranger than fiction.

Even in death he remains altruistic. His passing has given shelter to a new generation of beavers. Perhaps reincarnation is not such a far fetched idea. From man to tree to renowned industrial mammal. Cause for celebration imo. I'd suggest planting a fruit tree as a replacement. Living and dying whilst maintaining a truly harmonious relationship with nature is my kind of Nirvana.

 

[AwkwardMD]

It's also worth watching the EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY with J.R.R. Tolkein and George R. R. Martin. Search for "ERB Tolkein Martin" on youtube. One of the big differences between the writers, present in the video, is the way they attempt to show "reality".

Martin kills characters constantly because it's true to life.
Tolkein writes fantasy, and protects his heroes.

Both styles have value, but the way they choose to present their reality is purposeful and intentional.