what to do...

[lovechild27]

This is a little more somber than some threads on here I guess...

Im 22 and I just found out my parents are divorcing. Im very upset...maybe I shouldnt be...they always seemed like they had a good marriage. I can tell my dad is so scared that me and my younger brothers will abondon him...my mom is having some sort of midlife crisis breakdown...I just dont know what to do for them. I dont know how to talk to them now. There is so much damn tension....

 

[Parklife]

no easy answers, but the best thing I can suggest is just to let both of your parents know that you love them and will do your best to be there for them if/when they need you.

Also, be sure to give them the space they need to figure this thing out.

Tension will probably be there until things get finalized. But letting them both know that you won't abandon them will certainly help to reassure them.

 

[Missingmeds]

The other thing is to steer clear of them putting you in the middle and using you to fight with one another.

No carrying messages back and forth between them and no telling one of them anything about the other.

That way there can be no he said, she said thing going on.

 

[lovechild27]

well...this seems to be a peaceful thing so far. No fighting leading up to it...no cheating...everything was great until my mom had soem sort of nervous breakdown. I dont think either one of them really have a grasp of whats going on....

 

[wishfulthinking]

Big hug.

My parents never fought in front of me or my brother, so it was a total surprise too! Sometimes I felt this made it harder.

As parklife said, you are there for both of them. this means you're not taking sides, and you are not going to sit and listen while one parents bitches about the other.

I think the hardest part is the guilt - now that you father is alone, you might come to feel obligated to make him happy and cheer him up. Don't! It took me a long time to realise that the only person that can make my dad happy is himself.

Another thing I learnt is that my parents are happier apart, and that I want them to be happy. They are both now is long-term relationships with lovely partners (mum over 10 years, dad over 7 years).

I doubt this will help you, but I hope you have friends and family around you that can help you with this.

WT

 

[lovechild27]

wishful, that helped a lot. I do feel obligated to make my dad happy right now. We havent had a good relationship for a while...and in the past few weeks he turned into this super nice mr. rodgers guy...I can already feel both of my parents leaning on us completely for support. I can already feel my emotional energy draining....

 

[BlueSugar]

My SO is a year older then you , and this happened to him a couple of years ago.

And as of now, his parents live in different places, but get along so so much better. They even go out on little dates from time to time. His father missed his dog, so he bought one. They have a better relationship then when they were married.

It took him a long time to get used to it all, but hes happy for his parents, and now he supports them, shows he cares and they love him.

Just hold the family together and love, and everything will be fine in the end.

 

[Bobmi357]

Try to be supportive, but whatever you do, do not take sides. From personal experience I can tell you that when you divorce, you already feel like a failure and don't need one of the kids coming at you from the other side.

Just be there for them both. Don't be judgemental, in fact, if a parent tries to get you to take their side, firmly tell them to stop it and grow up. This isn't some sandbox fight at the playground. Be neutral in your dealings with your parents.

 

[ldlarry52]

You've gotten a lot of good advice. There is no easy path for any party to a divorce. I can only echo be supportative of both, don't get in the middle, make sure you continue your relationships with both, even if you have to do most of the work.
Respectfully, make sure they have explored counselling. If mom has had a breakdown or going through some stuff good counselling may get them through this.
Remember, this will end, too. LDLarry52

 

[wildwinds]

The other thing is to steer clear of them putting you in the middle and using you to fight with one another.

No carrying messages back and forth between them and no telling one of them anything about the other.

That way there can be no he said, she said thing going on.

This is excellent advice. I'm going through this myself, I'm feeling very abandoned, misunderstood and as if everyone is talking about me behind my back.
You feel like you are a failure, that you're letting everyone down and ruining their lives. Offering unconditional support and love is pretty much priceless.

I'm sorry for your family, and you.

 

[English Lady]

hi there lovechild27,your post really speaks to me as I am 25 and only just over a year ago my mum and dad seperated. It was terrible, my dad was making a new life for himself with a lovely lady and my mum was left to pick up alot of pieces. She got close to breaking down completely and she wasn't herself for a long while...BUT she is much more herself now and she is getting to like her new single life and is dealing with the emotions caused by dad leaving.

I know it's not exactly the same sitiuation but I am sure your mum and your dad will adapt well eventually, all it needs is time. I know that isn't what you really want to hear but there is no quick fix.

All you can do is be supportive, don't try and be your parents counsillor,in fact i would suggest you actually propose to them both the idea of seeing a profesional. I know my mum has found it very helpful talking to a trained therapist about her issiues..telling someone who is totally impartial is a good thing in this type of situation i think.


Please feel free to contact me more if you want to discuss anything in more detail,I know how hard dealing with this can be!

 

[lovechild27]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. My parents are both seeing counsellors. My mom seems to be doing ok. I dont think they are jumping into legally separating for a while. Everything seems civil so far. I hope it stays that way. Its so nice to know I am not alone and its ok to be affected like this.