What should I do?

[SubmissiveDove5]

I need advice....again.

I did a really stupid thing. I tried explaining ds to my parents. My dad is open-minded, but not thrilled, and my mother is totally aposed to my even thinking about it.

Now, I know that learning about and someday living the lifestyle is totally my decision and not there's, but as I've posted in previous threads, my parents are extremely over-protective of me. Under the circumstances, I do understand why they are, but when it boils down to me acting the way I did tonight out of pure frustration, they are at the point of sufficating me.

I don't mean to digress, but this will tie into my problem eventually. There has been three murders in my city recently, and the bodies have all been dismembered. The crual, sadistical man who committed these uncomprehensible acts has been arrested, and he has admitted to them. This is where it ties into what happened tonight; I told my mother that my best friend, who works in my city, hadn't heard of these murders. My mother, being in a drunken state, started making me feel guilty by connecting the murderer with the man I met at the mall the other day. What I mean by this is that she started saying, "This murderer was a very nice and respected man in the community. He wanted to help people with there problems and guide them, and then he goes and does this. You could have been another dismembered victim." I hate it when she lays the guilt on me like that!

Finally I had had enough and I started yelling at her. She told me that the people I was communicating with and wanting to have relationships with were all just men who wanted to take advantage of me. Now I'm not arguing that perhaps the men I've been speaking to might have that in mind, but she meant it as everyone in the lifestyle wanted to take advantage without any care for me.

I went to my room, slammed the door, and just started crying and screaming. I felt like I was a prisoner, and no matter what I did to try and get out of any of my ruts, I would always be a prisoner. I threatened to get a lawyer and get restraining orders placed on them. I told them I was moving out and they couldn't stop me. I got nothing but questions thrown back at me: "Where will you go?" And then derogatory remarks like, "Go ahead and get a lawyer, we'll have you claimed incompetant."

Now I've researched d/s and I have printed out forty-five pages of information. I don't really want them to read it, but now that I have opened a can of worms, I think I should try and find some way to resolve it, or at the very least, douch it.

Yes, I know, my life is never boring!

 

[Guest]

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I agree that I need therapy, and during my temper tantrum tonight, I told my father that he and my mother need therapy as well. I told him that after I got sick twenty years ago, they never dealt with their feeling/questions etc.

Getting out of my house is something I will do as soon as I get the opportunity to do so. My mom told me that I wasn't going on the van Monday morning to go to my braille lesson because she wouldn't know if I was really going to the braille teacher or going to meet another man. Now, I take full responsibility for the lie I told last week. I shouldn't have done that. Now they don't trust me and it's understandable. She can't stop me from getting on the van though. I told her that she could call my rehab teacher and ask her if I were there or not.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I think I should have posted his in the cafe. MissT, if you think it should be there, plese move this thread. I meant for it to be about d/s, but it ay turn into another thread about my problems other than the main one I wrote about above.

I know I shouldn't be getting involved in any relationships. That's why I said "living the lifestyle someday." I think that's what I said anyway. If I didn't then I meant to make that clear.

 

[AvaAdore]

i think moving out may be a good idea too. but before you do, my suggestion is to get a part-time job of some kind (i think you said you were a uni student before?). you can save up some money while you're living at home.

a lot of parents feel they can keep control of their children by having financial control over them. the moment you have at least some financial independence, you are no longer under that control.

parents dont like sudden changes in their kids. you kind of have to ween them away from you over time and let them slowly get adjusted to the fact that you are an adult and can do whatever you bloody well want to WITHOUT their approval/permission.

 

[Kajira Callista]

ever stop ta think that SDs parents know her better then we all do?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I know I seem to write stories when I post on here instead of just getting to the main point in a few sentences, it's just how I communicate. I guess my point is; Now that I stupidly let them in on the whole d/s thing, how to I get their focus off of it?

 

[incubus'_sub]

Well said KC.

 

[simpleDARK]

Parents who have children with disabilities tend to become even more over protective than most normal. It seems clear to me that you seek to explore life and new sensations, both physically as well emotionally.

For the past twenty years they have grown to understand that your disability would probably lead to your remaining at home, where they vowed to give you the stability and safety that you needed.

So, from a parenting persepctive, they see you as dependent on them, and try to maintain that level of normalicy for your protection and own good.

You've grown older and matured more, but now you've run into a wall that for the past several years is stunting your growth and personal development.

Theropy is DEFINATELY a must, and not for just you. Your mother seems to like to maintain her hold on you via guilt and fear...which shows that she needs to attend Parenting Theropy 101

Your father seems more open to the idea of you exploring, but dissaproves of the D/S portion of that exporation. Nothing bad there.

What you need is family counceling, where you and your parents need to understand that while you have a disability, you need to be afforded more control over your own life and development. For you, your life skills and coping skills need developing. Throwing temper tantrams only reinforces your parent's belief that you're emotionally unready for independance. Your threats, were extreme and unrealistic. That certainly doesn't help them believe in your judgement abilities.

What you need is a slow progression into independance, where you can still rely on their assistance as a fallback, but where you can develope a sense of personal responsibility and self-reliance. Moving out, but still staying close would be a very good start depending on the full nature of your disabilities. With determination you can overcome almost any problems that make normal independant living difficult... but that's the nature of the game. You need sunshine to grow, so you need to get out from under their roof to get some (sunshine I mean...).

I would highly advise against entering into the BDSM lifestyle until you've truly developed and matured on your own, because as you are now, I suspect that you lack the ability to evaluate the right kind of partner for yourself. You can and will most likely end up in a very unhealthy relationship that might very well cause you more problems than you think you have now...

Of course my evaluation is based entirely on this one post of yours above, but I doubt it's far off....

I'm not discouraging you from lurking, watching or writing. I just believe that you have things that you need to work out on the homefront with yourself and your parents.

Good Luck,

simpleDARK


P.S. I took PsychoBabble 101, so I just SOUND like a stuffy know-it-all. I'm really rather dumb and uninsightful. So don't mind me.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Parents who have children with disabilities tend to become even more over protective than most normal. It seems clear to me that you seek to explore life and new sensations, both physically as well emotionally.

For the past twenty years they have grown to understand that your disability would probably lead to your remaining at home, where they vowed to give you the stability and safety that you needed.

So, from a parenting persepctive, they see you as dependent on them, and try to maintain that level of normalicy for your protection and own good.

You've grown older and matured more, but now you've run into a wall that for the past several years is stunting your growth and personal development.

Theropy is DEFINATELY a must, and not for just you. Your mother seems to like to maintain her hold on you via guilt and fear...which shows that she needs to attend Parenting Theropy 101

Your father seems more open to the idea of you exploring, but dissaproves of the D/S portion of that exporation. Nothing bad there.

What you need is family counceling, where you and your parents need to understand that while you have a disability, you need to be afforded more control over your own life and development. For you, your life skills and coping skills need developing. Throwing temper tantrams only reinforces your parent's belief that you're emotionally unready for independance. Your threats, were extreme and unrealistic. That certainly doesn't help them believe in your judgement abilities.

What you need is a slow progression into independance, where you can still rely on their assistance as a fallback, but where you can develope a sense of personal responsibility and self-reliance. Moving out, but still staying close would be a very good start depending on the full nature of your disabilities. With determination you can overcome almost any problems that make normal independant living difficult... but that's the nature of the game. You need sunshine to grow, so you need to get out from under their roof to get some (sunshine I mean...).

I would highly advise against entering into the BDSM lifestyle until you've truly developed and matured on your own, because as you are now, I suspect that you lack the ability to evaluate the right kind of partner for yourself. You can and will most likely end up in a very unhealthy relationship that might very well cause you more problems than you think you have now...

Of course my evaluation is based entirely on this one post of yours above, but I doubt it's far off....

I'm not discouraging you from lurking, watching or writing. I just believe that you have things that you need to work out on the homefront with yourself and your parents.

Good Luck,

simpleDARK


P.S. I took PsychoBabble 101, so I just SOUND like a stuffy know-it-all. I'm really rather dumb and uninsightful. So don't mind me.

Yes, I'd say your right on the money. I agree about the counseling 100% too. I'll start looking online for a counselor.

PS: Don't worry about the "Psycho babble," I do it too, lol

 

[heckle]

I guess my point is; Now that I stupidly let them in on the whole d/s thing, how to I get their focus off of it?

You don't! You opened that can of worms and now that it is opende, deal with it. With the issues that you have told us all about in the past, it seems that your father would be the best one to converse with abotu it in a calm manner. Then hopefully, he can speak with your mother abotu it.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Well,

You don't! You opened that can of worms and now that it is opende, deal with it.

It would be nice if you could get their attention off of it, but, for better or worse, they are parents, and even the very best parents would have at least a little trouble coping with and understanding D/s. Most nonparents don't get it.

Now that the dialogue is open between you, (at least with your dad,) you might try explaining/showing examples of how it isn't all about pain and leather and bondage- that the D/s dynamic is really just an expansion of the Dom/sub dynamic that exists between every human interaction in the world- it's just more honest, and more consentual. (Be careful though- this approach can be a terrific eye-opener, but it can also be a door-slammer. People often don't like to accept that the thing they hate/are afraid of is something they do themselves. Nobody chooses to be a hypocrite.)

Good luck, and be careful!

 

[heckle]

If you think that your father would be open to it, the Fetish Flea is being held this Saturday in Boston. Only cost $5 to get in and it might be an interestign trip for the two of you. Just a thought.

 

[shy slave]

ever stop ta think that SDs parents know her better then we all do?

I had to smile at this. My 15 yr old swears i know NOTHING about him.

The 17yr old swears I was NEVER young and could not possibly understand him.

I think I know both of them pretty well, but do I....?

Sometimes parents get stuck in a time warp and only see their own perspective of their child which can be an out of date perspective based on outdated fears/concerns/worries/past views.

Sometimes parents know us better than we know ourselves.

IMHO when someone comes to the 'net for advice its because they have no-one else to ask about that particular question.

Of course the problem with advice, is its always given from the advice givers prespective based on their personal experiences/morals/education/nurturing/personality which may not meet the needs of the person asking the question.

The other problem with taking someones advice and acting on it, is, if it all goes wrong the orginal person has someone to blame. Absolving themselves of responsibility (although I don't think this is why Dove is asking).


*goes off thinking that maybe no one knows anything about anyone.................*

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

If you think that your father would be open to it, the Fetish Flea is being held this Saturday in Boston. Only cost $5 to get in and it might be an interestign trip for the two of you. Just a thought.

Thank you Heckle, I will definitely think about it and possibly ask him if he'd like to go.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

This is correct. I don't have anyone to ask besides people who know something about this subject. My parents don't understand, they think it's all about abuse and negative manipulation, and they are so close-mined, they refuse to think otherwise. I can't believe I actually told Daddy that I am bi-sexual!

 

[heckle]

Have you thought about possibly getting some of the BDSM "intro" films? One of the ones I am talking about is "BDSM: Alternative Loving". You could always leave the film laying about where it may spark their curiosity and they may watch it while you "are out" or "sleeping".
http://www.bdsm-alternativeloving.com/

Or if he/they use the Internet, they could look through some of the educational sites such as sexuality.org
http://sexuality.org/bdsm.html

 

[AvaAdore]

talking to my parents about my sex life is probably one of the last things i would ever want to do.

 

[cellis]

At the risk of sounding cruel and unsympathetic, which I am not, I want to encourage you to seek professional health. While some of us are trained as professionals we are not your therapists nor are we family or friends.

Just saying you will look on line is a BS cop-out. Look in the phone book for your local AMI (the alliance for the mentally ill) or some other mental health advocate group. They provide both referrals and support, both of which you are in dire need.

This is not the place to solve your mental health issues.

I have read your threads from the beginning and realize that you are deeply troubled and have needs beyond what you can get on line.

Not one of us here can here can fix you or your problems...

Everytime you have started a thread the same advice has been offered... I am curious to see if you will take some of it or continue to complain about your life...

The real question becomes... are you a victim or a survivor?

 

[keikotied]

Here is a good resource:

http://www.bannon.com/kap/

I can tell you from personal experience that a therapist with no understanding of BDSM can do more harm than good.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

At the risk of sounding cruel and unsympathetic, which I am not, I want to encourage you to seek professional health. While some of us are trained as professionals we are not your therapists nor are we family or friends.

Just saying you will look on line is a BS cop-out. Look in the phone book for your local AMI (the alliance for the mentally ill) or some other mental health advocate group. They provide both referrals and support, both of which you are in dire need.

This is not the place to solve your mental health issues.

I have read your threads from the beginning and realize that you are deeply troubled and have needs beyond what you can get on line.

Not one of us here can here can fix you or your problems...

Everytime you have started a thread the same advice has been offered... I am curious to see if you will take some of it or continue to complain about your life...

The real question becomes... are you a victim or a survivor?

I looked in the phone book last night and found one in a neighboring town. I'm calling Tuesday to make an appointment. I just hope my parents agree to come with me on accasion.

As far as my threads are concerned, I am very aware that I cannot get the help I need via the web. I do happen to have a few friends from this site though. Yes, I know, send a private email to them, right? Believe me, I do!
I did look in the phone book.

 

[cellis]

I looked in the phone book last night and found one in a neighboring town. I'm calling Tuesday to make an appointment. I just hope my parents agree to come with me on accasion.

As far as my threads are concerned, I am very aware that I cannot get the help I need via the web. I do happen to have a few friends from this site though. Yes, I know, send a private email to them, right? Believe me, I do!
I did look in the phone book.

Good now all you have to do is follow through. As for your parents... this is about you... not them and the less expectations you have regarding them the better off you are.

 

[Marquis]

I casually told my father that I enjoyed watching "aggressive pornography" once while I was tripping on anti-depressants. It's hard to retreat from something like that.