What should I do?

[Astrum]

I want to first say that I have made mistakes, I know I've made them and I regret making them.

It all started three months ago when my girlfriend of nearly three years broke up with me. After failing her chemistry course and nearly failing another course (at college) she decided it was best if we broke up so she could get her life straight. At the time I was in complete shock and didn't know what to think. I still loved her so much and all I could do was cry and try to remain coherent.

These past three months have been pretty difficult on me and my grades are slipping because of it. Since we broke up I've had plenty of time to think about everything and things just don't add up. She said she didn't want any "distractions" when we broke up, but the previous semester I was never a distraction. I would study and see her when I had free time, she would never study and ended up failing a course. She also wanted to become friends when we broke up. She contacted me a couple times but never to be friends, only for things like me helping her fix her computer (which I reluctantly did). So I was having some real doubts.

Now here is where I did something very wrong and I hate myself so much for doing it. I logged into her e-mail account today. I don't know why and it doesn't matter, I want to make it clear that I feel terrible for doing this. I found a message that struck me pretty hard. I'm not going to post the entire message, but here is the relevant bit:

By the way, I was definatley used by that dude that I made out with last week. He never called me but, thats okay because he wasn't that cute anyway.

This e-mail was dated a month and a half ago. It was so wrong of me to do this, but now that I've done it I just can't shake it off. I ended up calling her a while ago to talk to her. I asked her why she really broke up with me and she said the same thing she said when we broke up. I told her about all the doubts I have (with the exception of the e-mail). I even asked her if she had gone out with anyone since we broke up to which she answered she hadn't and she didn't have time to have a relationship, nor was she ready for one. I didn't bring up the e-mail or even hint towards it.

I told her I wasn't mad at her anymore (and I'm not). She told me that the only reason she never really called me was because I was fairly mad at her. I was mad at her and a little mean, so I apologised for being a jerk. We're going to have dinner on Wednesday (as friends obviously).

Now I have more doubts and more questions. I want to bring up the e-mail, ask why she lied. I want to know what else she lied about, atleast for my own sanity. I wouldn't mind being friends with her (although it would be akward), but if I bring up this I know I will never see her again.

I know everyone here now thinks I am a horrible person, and I won't even deny that. I don't know what to do though and I'm having serious trouble coping with this. It hurt so much without reading that e-mail. Maybe I'm taking it out of context, but I doubt it.

My ex is such a wonderful person and I never thought she would do anything like this. I'm hoping I'm blowing everything out of proportion. My world is upside down and I feel physically ill right now.

Anything you can suggest will be a help me. Thank you for anything you have to say.

 

[corkie2]

One of the problem's with snooping though other people's stuff when you are trying to find out something about someone is that sometimes you find out something you don't want to. I have had the same problem in the past when I was married and looked through my husband's stuff trying to find out if he was messing around on me. I found out that he was. Then I had to decide what to do with what I had found out.

I never did confront him with the knowledge I had. Instead I wound up divorcing him because I could no longer trust him. When I did ask him if he was seeing another woman he lied and said no. I have found out since our divorce that he has admitted to our son that he had messed around on me but he never had admitted it to me.

You did something you regret but do you really regret it. If you had not been suspicious about her you would not have done it. From the information you have shared she sound's to me like she just wanted to end the relationship and do it without hurting you. She has made her choice and you have to live with it. It is up to you if you let her know she is lying and confront her with what you know. But like you said...if you do she will definitely not get back with you.

Ask yourself if you will truly ever be able to trust her again. If you can't then a relationship with her will not work because a relationship has to be based on trust. She blames you for not passing her class when it was her lack of studying that was to blame. She was seeing someone behind your back and lies to you about it. Is this the kind of girl you want?

 

[sheath]

Now I have more doubts and more questions. I want to bring up the e-mail, ask why she lied. I want to know what else she lied about, atleast for my own sanity. I wouldn't mind being friends with her (although it would be akward), but if I bring up this I know I will never see her again.

I know everyone here now thinks I am a horrible person, and I won't even deny that. I don't know what to do though and I'm having serious trouble coping with this. It hurt so much without reading that e-mail. Maybe I'm taking it out of context, but I doubt it.

My ex is such a wonderful person and I never thought she would do anything like this. I'm hoping I'm blowing everything out of proportion. My world is upside down and I feel physically ill right now.

Okay. First of all, I'm not going to be blasting you for logging into her email account. It seems you are dragging yourself over the coals yourself, you don't need any more blame thrown at you for that one. But do NOT do it again.

Secondly...that gut instinct that told you something wasn't right? That same instinct that made you log into her email? Well, it is on target, darlin'. ALWAYS trust your intuition. You know something is up, you know she lied. You knew it before you logged into her account...otherwise, why would you have done it?

She lied. She broke it off with you. She might seem wonderful, but that is the MEMORY, not the reality. The reality is what you feel in your gut, that 'how could I have let her pull the wool over my eyes' feeling that is making you physically ill right now.

My advice? Don't go to that dinner. Call her up, tell her what you found, demand the truth (knowing she likely won't give it), and then let her go. I mean, let her GO. Walk away from it, all of it, and start fresh with someone who will give you the respect you deserve.

S.

 

[ChromeCollar]

I agree with Corkie. Sometimes you really dont want to know the truth, and occasionally, Ignorance IS BLISS. Move on, find someone more worthy... but drop the snooping habit. That will drive a girl away quicker than you can say privacy.

 

[Noor]

I know many might not agree with me on this but do not tell her you snooped.

Once she broke up with you, it is not your concern. You were together 3 yrs, and you broke up 3 months ago, the email was from after you broke up and it was about a casual act as well.

She is failing courses, you could have very well been a distraction. I noticed you went to her when you had time and she didn't study, not that she went to you. A serious relationship can be a big distraction, really. Looking for a cute guy to kiss/whatever is a lot different than a 3 yr relationship.

You invaded her privacy at a time when you had no right to even complain about her behavior. "No one else" probably means no one like you, no one serious. You have no idea what she will do when she is doing better in school, if you want to keep her in your life and possibly date her ever in the future, do not tell her. I can not see anything but needless hurt for both of you.

Noor

 

[warrior queen]

right.............. well................. here goes my $65 (definately MORE than 2 cents!) -

you snooped her email?
are you completely stupid???????

we women value one thing as highly as our relationships - OUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY!!!

you deserve to knock yourself around because of this - how dare you look into her private mail!
i hope your conscience is KILLING you, mate..... if anyone ever did that to me, they'd be on the out forever.
no forgivness, no second chances.

what you have forgotten in your 'poor me' post, is that you violated your ex's right to have a private life - separate from you.

personally, i hope this girl has enough sense to stay away from you and your paranoia.

you know what?
even if you DO, by some miracle, manage to get together again despite your snooping -
i believe your relationship would be doomed anyway.
eventually either your mistrust of her (if you don't tell her), or her mistrust of you (if you end up telling her) will destroy whatever might have been.

 

[fgarvb1]

What is done is done. You can't change the past.

When I trust a woman, I trust them. When I get to not trusting them all bets are off. e-mail is the least of it. I have had the misfortune to be fucked over very bad a couple of times in the past.

I can tell you right now that that the females of our species regard that privacy thing as a one way thing, no matter what they say.

A person has the right to protect themselves. If you get caught doing something against the law you pay for it.


My advise is to start saturating her with your absence.

Move on brother that train has left the station.

Sometimes relationships work out like that.

You don't have to like it, only live with it. That will probably be better than living with her, judging by what has already happened.

Onward through the fog!

 

[Astrum]

Like I said, I know I was wrong. Thank you for your input.

I took your advice, sheath and called her. I told her what I did and what I saw. She told me she was drunk at a party and someone was making out with her, I left it at that as I felt terrible enough already. She said she wasn't very mad and she still wanted to be friends. I told her I would send her instructions on how to change her password. We're still going to go to dinner on Wednesday and I feel very relieved. I still care for her and even if we're not dating, I would still like to be her friend.

Thanks again for your posts.

 

[phoenix1224]

I agree with fgarvb1... If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have snooped too...

And what's with the 'someone was making out with HER'?... Last time I checked making out was a two person activity... She's still lying to you...

Hell... I'm pretty much in the same situation... I was dating a woman I thought was 'the one'... Everything was going great... She had all the qualities I was looking for in a woman... We were talking about our future together... Then, out of nowhere, she broke up with me...

She told me her life was 'too hectic to have a boyfreind right now', but, she 'still wanted to be freinds'... Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen... It usually never does...

We'd run into each other at the bar we first met at and not speak to one another, as if we were total strangers... So, when I saw her making out with another guy on Valentine's Day (of all days), I said nothing...

But two weeks ago, we ran into each other and she wants to joke around with me as if we're buddies... I went along with it (to be civil) until, yet again, I see her making out with yet another guy...

Well, when he left, I confronted her... I thanked her for lying to me, told her what I saw, and then told her to have a nice life...

Dude, do you really want someone in your life that doen't show you enough respect to be truthful to you?... I know I sure as hell don't...

 

[Astrum]

I don't know phoenix. Noor is right, it's her life and has nothing to do with me. She was completely honest with me during the relationship which is what counts. She can do whatever she wants and thats her business, not mine. I'll just be happy to be her friend.

 

[warrior queen]

I agree with fgarvb1... If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have snooped too...

And what's with the 'someone was making out with HER'?... Last time I checked making out was a two person activity... She's still lying to you...

Hell... I'm pretty much in the same situation... I was dating a woman I thought was 'the one'... Everything was going great... She had all the qualities I was looking for in a woman... We were talking about our future together... Then, out of nowhere, she broke up with me...

She told me her life was 'too hectic to have a boyfreind right now', but, she 'still wanted to be freinds'... Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen... It usually never does...

We'd run into each other at the bar we first met at and not speak to one another, as if we were total strangers... So, when I saw her making out with another guy on Valentine's Day (of all days), I said nothing...

But two weeks ago, we ran into each other and she wants to joke around with me as if we're buddies... I went along with it (to be civil) until, yet again, I see her making out with yet another guy...

Well, when he left, I confronted her... I thanked her for lying to me, told her what I saw, and then told her to have a nice life...

Dude, do you really want someone in your life that doen't show you enough respect to be truthful to you?... I know I sure as hell don't...

uuuummmmmm............ hang on a second.............

they broke up 3 months ago -
she apparently had a bit of a play 1 1/2 months ago -

by my math, that means she had this experience well after they broke up, and therfore it is absolutely none of his business!!!

it all happened when they were no longer dating!

the only time it will, or should, be an issue, is if they get back together - in which case they're probably doomed anyway.
once the trust has been dented, there's almost never a 'going back'.

and believe me, no matter how OK she is with the email snoop right now (when they're NOT together), it will be an entirely different story if they get back together.

(and for the record - i have personal experience with this issue.... once a snoop, always a snoop! the temptation to 'just have a look' is too great.)

 

[warrior queen]

I agree with fgarvb1... If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have snooped too...

just a little note for this snippet -

i have never, ever snooped into my partner's email (or any other mail, for that matter!)
nor do i know any woman who has.

 

[Astrum]

(and for the record - i have personal experience with this issue.... once a snoop, always a snoop! the temptation to 'just have a look' is too great.)

This is the first time I've ever done something like this and the emotions it stirred were so unpleasant I will never do it again. I don't care if you believe me or not, but please don't generalize things like this.

 

[Cenobite]

Well with my last girlfriend it was going ok... apart from the whole living in the same house thing.

Anyway, after she provoked me enough that I broke it off with her she had the nerve to invade my privacy and open my mail. Not once, not twice, repeatedly.

I confronted her about it and she admitted it. I mentioned that it was illegal, and she said she didn't care.

Suffice to say I was never getting back into a relationship with her due to her behaviour. In fact I somehow doubt I'll ever see her anywhere ever again, I moved nearly 2 hours drive away.

 

[warrior queen]

This is the first time I've ever done something like this and the emotions it stirred were so unpleasant I will never do it again. I don't care if you believe me or not, but please don't generalize things like this.

you may think i'm generalising, but every person i know who has ever done this kind of thing (and those i've heard about 2nd and 3rd hand as well!) - has done it again, even after professing to 'feel so bad they'd never do it again'.

you might be one that doesn't ever do it again, but come back and tell me that in 20 years.

(and by the way - in my opinion, by doing it once , you've already shown what you really are.)

 

[phoenix1224]

I agree with fgarvb1... If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have snooped too...

just a little note for this snippet -

i have never, ever snooped into my partner's email (or any other mail, for that matter!)
nor do i know any woman who has.

Well then, you're one in a million... Because, just about every woman I know HAS...

 

[warrior queen]

Well then, you're one in a million... Because, just about every woman I know HAS...

then you're not going out with the right women!!!



believe me, there's more than a few of us 'honourables' out there.

 

[phoenix1224]

then you're not going out with the right women!!!



believe me, there's more than a few of us 'honourables' out there.

It's not just women I've DATED... Women FRIENDS of mine have proudly admitted snooping through their men's stuff...

 

[warrior queen]

It's not just women I've DATED... Women FRIENDS of mine have proudly admitted snooping through their men's stuff...

jesu!
maybe i'm more sheltered than i thought!!!

i have no concept of actually being proud to admit a terrible thing like that!

 

[phoenix1224]

jesu!
maybe i'm more sheltered than i thought!!!

i have no concept of actually being proud to admit a terrible thing like that!

I know... It really sucks when you have to sleep with your wallet under the pillow...

 

[ABN_Ranger]

She told me she was drunk at a party and someone was making out with her

Oh good god... If I hada dollar for everytime I used that line when I was single and easy, I'd be really rich, but I probably woulda spent it all on beer and plane tickets to Aruba. If she wasn't pissed that ya read her e-mail... I dunno my gut would be throwing out all sorts of warning signs. But hell... I'm just a paranoid little nut job who thinks all the squirrels are stalking me to get at my nuts. Just my opinion... but like I said... my little internal Robbie the Robot would be screaming "DANGER... Danger Will Robinson... Danger!"


J

 

[Noor]

okay, I can be pretty paranoid too. I have been stalked a few times by guys who were very computer literate back in the pre www days. I cover my tracks. I also trace potential lovers pretty well, but I have never snooped in anyone's email, their private letters, listen to phone messages, ect... to me it is just wrong. The only time I needed to do that, the police did it.

By reading your ex's mail you are also snooping on her interaction with another person. Unfortunately, I know what it feels like to have someone else look at something that is private between you and someone else. It makes you feel violated. In my case it cause a lot of problems for all involved, and may have changed things permanently.

I hope she really does forgive you and you guys can move on in some fashion.

Noor

 

[sheath]

(and by the way - in my opinion, by doing it once , you've already shown what you really are.)

Okay. *deep breath*

warrior queen, I respect you. Highly respect you. You know that by now, I'm sure.

But I feel as though I have to say this: with this post, you just went too fucking far.

So he did it. It's done. He has reiterated, over and over, that he feels like shit for it. But the truth is, his actions were not the problem, they were the SYMPTOM of the problem. He felt as though she was not truthful with him. If she had been upfront and honest about it all, he would never have felt the need to snoop. He would have been at peace with it.

Another point:

I have snooped in email before. My ex-boyfriend's email. And I am SO fucking glad I did it. If I hadn't, I never would have known that he fucked around on me with at least four people...it was right there, on my screen, in his email account, while he was lying through his teeth and professing his love to me. I never would have known I should be checked for STDs. (He's LUCKY as fuck that I turned up clean.) And I never would have known he was dipping into my mutual fund account until I got the quarterly statement that said I was broke.

I did it. And if a man gave me a reason? I would do it again. That's why trust and honesty in a relationship are important. You can say I'm a horrible person, that I revealed what I 'really am' for snooping in his email. But you know what? When that 'gut feeling' is there, it's there for a REASON.

Show me one person who would not act, in some form or fashion on that intuition. You might not snoop in email. But you WOULD do something else. If you say you would not, you are fooling yourself. And that does not make you a saint. It just makes you a clueless mark for the next person who tries to fuck with you.

My hundred bucks,

S.

 

[Lynnezertorte]

I think we all have the capacity to do things at certain points in our lives that we would never expect ourselves to do. And sometimes "love" is the cause.

Personally, the fact that she wasn't mad leaves me to believe that maybe she knew you had the capacity to get into her email and wasn't surprised that you did it. I know that I'd be pretty pissed if an ex invaded my privacy like that. I find it very odd that she wasn't at least annoyed.

I give you kudos for admitting to her what you did. You could have just continued to spy on her and that would have been really slimy. I think that shows you are a good person after all.

 

[warrior queen]

Okay. *deep breath*

warrior queen, I respect you. Highly respect you. You know that by now, I'm sure.

But I feel as though I have to say this: with this post, you just went too fucking far.

So he did it. It's done. He has reiterated, over and over, that he feels like shit for it. But the truth is, his actions were not the problem, they were the SYMPTOM of the problem. He felt as though she was not truthful with him. If she had been upfront and honest about it all, he would never have felt the need to snoop. He would have been at peace with it.

in my opinion (and i have stated before that this is just my personal opinion), she had no reason to have to tell this guy anything - THEY WERE SEPARATED AT THE TIME SHE HAD THE DATE/FLING!!!!!!!
whatever she chose to do when NOT in a relationship with him, is her business and hers alone.

Another point:

I have snooped in email before. My ex-boyfriend's email. And I am SO fucking glad I did it. If I hadn't, I never would have known that he fucked around on me with at least four people...it was right there, on my screen, in his email account, while he was lying through his teeth and professing his love to me. I never would have known I should be checked for STDs. (He's LUCKY as fuck that I turned up clean.) And I never would have known he was dipping into my mutual fund account until I got the quarterly statement that said I was broke.

I did it. And if a man gave me a reason? I would do it again. That's why trust and honesty in a relationship are important. You can say I'm a horrible person, that I revealed what I 'really am' for snooping in his email. But you know what? When that 'gut feeling' is there, it's there for a REASON.

the difference here is, that you and he were still together.
i still do not condone going through his personal email, mail, or anything else....... but in your case, i guess this was the ONLY way for you to find out, right?
i don't sanction it, but i can certainly understand why people do it.

Show me one person who would not act, in some form or fashion on that intuition. You might not snoop in email. But you WOULD do something else. If you say you would not, you are fooling yourself. And that does not make you a saint. It just makes you a clueless mark for the next person who tries to fuck with you.

My hundred bucks,

S.

and of course, you are entitled to your own opinion here as much as i.
if the poster doesn't want to hear the views of other people, then posting into a public board was pretty darn silly.

regardless of whether you think i went too far with my responses here, the fact of the situation is - that should aomeone do that to me, i would feel violated in the worst possible way, and it would be extremely difficult for me to regain any form of trust with a person who made a deliberate decision to access my personal life in that way.
(indeed, when it did kind of happen to me some years ago, i was shocked and horrified, and i never was able to invest as much trust again - leading to the breakdown of the relationship.)