What Punishment Works Or Doesn't Work For You?

[SexyChele]

I'm going to throw this out mainly to subs, but I welcome any Doms input as well.

As I think we are all willing to admit, every person is an individual and we react to certain things differently. This is a good thing - life would be boring without it!

My experience has been limited in the lifestyle, but one thing that has been a constant among the Doms I've met, in regards to punishment, is this abandoning thing. I'm sure most know what I'm talking about, especially if you do not live with your Dominant. Something happens, misunderstanding, miscommunication, sub not doing something s/he should have and the Dom/me cuts off all contact - no phone calls, not seeing the sub, no email, etc. The effect, I think, is that the sub is supposed to be on pins and needles, biting his/her fingernails, wanting desperately to get back into the good graces of the Dominant.

This just don't work for me. When a Dom pulls this on me, I look at it as "breaktime" - and I enjoy the freedom to do as I please. I know the "game", and often laugh at the prospect that some guy is thinking I'm sweating over the fact that he is refusing to talk/see me. Therefore, when he is finally willing to "forgive" me, I'm usually nowhere to be found. I have learned to hide very well, and if I don't want to be "found", I can stay gone for weeks. (Of course, this doesn't work that easily when the guy lives right around the corner, but I have been known to take trips out of the country to play this "game".)

Now, I know some will say this behavior is "topping from the bottom" - especially since, in every instance when he does find me, he's usually desperate to know where I've been. (And if he disappears, I truly don't care) But I would disagree - this form of "punishment" is just something that doesn't work with me. Yes, I'm stubborn. Yes, I'm willfull. And, yes, I do require a Dominant who is more creative than this.

So, what works or doesn't work for you? Maybe I'll find something that will finally work, as most forms of "punishment" really don't have much effect on me. (Does make me wonder sometimes!)

 

[WriterDom]

The key to punishment is knowing the sub rather than pulling something from the standard punishment file. You should have enough time invested to know what she would hate.

 

[MissTaken]

If a Dom really wants to help me to change a behavior, his tone of voice and disappointment is more than sufficient.

Yes, I "punish" myself more than anyone else possibly coulc.

In scene, the threat of abandonment is effective and arousing. It plays on my mental state and heightens the experience as well as achieves for Him whatever it is He is seeking.

 

[A Desert Rose]

The worst.....

edited

 

[Quint]

Shadowsdream would be proud. I'm chaste. No body contact that could be contrued as erotic, pain or pleasure. It's mentally enforced, which makes it much harder to follow--I'm a girl, girls are soft and pettable, and so it's understandable if I slip, right? That doesn't make it any better on me. Initially, this WAS punishment for being bratty (and for awhile, I still thought it was worth it), and so the added tension and frustration with every word he gives me has driven me to the edge of insanity. Hence the whole "to all" thread yesterday.

At the same time, I don't think I'd have it any other way. As little as I can concentrate on anything, I'm having too much fun. (Then again, I'm still on the first week and I hold out hope that my suffering will be eased in a short amount of time. 40 days of this? Beyond my ken.)

So what really does work? Abstinence is a double-edged sword; like I just said, I kind of relish the maddening tension. I suppose abandonment would really suck. I don't like the thought of trying it at all, so that's probably a good indication. That's the best I can come up with until I actually meet with T and see what else he can do to make up for all the times I've been mouthy over the internet because it was safe. o) (And right now, I'm still thinking it's worth it. Mwa ha ha.)

 

[MsWorthy]

I don't think there is a method of punishment, training, or discipline that will work, especially online, if the sub doesn't take it seriously and want it to work.

 

[MissTaken]

I don't think there is a method of punishment, training, or discipline that will work, especially online, if the sub doesn't take it seriously and want it to work.

Or real time, as well?



As you said in another thread, if you don't take it seriously, don't bother.

 

[SexyChele]

Thanks all who responded! I think WD has it pretty much nailed for me - a Dominant must know what will and will not work with his submissive. Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?), the experiences that I've had in the past made assumptions that I was like probably the majority of subs out there.

I also agree with MsWorthy. Absolutely! For me this is true especially of online relationships - even if I think there is a chance of meeting IRL. I think it's the whole medium. Logging onto a computer, seeing a name pop up, and exchanging commands, pleasures, etc. Then you log off the computer, and it just sort of has a game-like quality to it. At least for me. I do take the person seriously, but not always what they say. If that makes any sense.

However, it is more difficult to do that in skin to skin contact. I'm a terrible liar - really! I give myself away immediately, so if a Dom were to ask me if I'd done or not done a certain thing in person, s/he would know immediately if I were lying. That's why skin to skin is a better for me. (Although I do understand that others can make a go of online and/or LDRs!)

 

[Guest]

It's never happened but...

 

[Desdemona]

Abandonment is a hard limit for me

For me, abandonment is not a good motivator. It feels like emotional abuse rather than correction or appropriate punishment. I lose trust, my feelings are hurt and I become extremely angry. It would take enormous effort to rebuild the relationship.
sorry, this is a very sore subject for me.


If a Dom wants me to change my behavior, quietly telling me he is disappointed in me is a far more effective motivation. While I'm not a people pleaser in general, when it comes to a D/s relationship, pleasing my Dom is what makes me tick. Finding out that I caused him disappointment will make me punish myself; probably more intensely than anything he would chose to punish me for the infraction.
But thats just me.

 

[artful]

MsW

I don't think there is a method of punishment, training, or discipline that will work, especially online, if the sub doesn't take it seriously and want it to work.

I tend to agree with you,...and I will add also:

1)~Punishment is a poor substitute for discipline.

2)~Emotional and physical pain are OVERUSED in most relationships.
3)~Teaching and correcting sometimes involves emotional, and/or physical pain, but it should be understood,...there IS a difference between punishment and discipline.

*Online, (LDR), training is the MOST difficult*

JMHO,...but it's mine,...and I own it!

 

[Desdemona]

Re: MsW

I tend to agree with you,...and I will add also:

1)~Punishment is a poor substitute for discipline.

2)~Emotional and physical pain are OVERUSED in most relationships.
3)~Teaching and correcting sometimes involves emotional, and/or physical pain, but it should be understood,...there IS a difference between punishment and discipline.

*Online, (LDR), training is the MOST difficult*

JMHO,...but it's mine,...and I own it!

I agree 100%!

 

[Ebonyfire]

If I have said it once,

I have said it thousand times, I do not punish, I dismiss.

I do not care to have my time wasted. I have never had to punish a sub of mine. If they make mistakes, I correct them. I only have to correct them once.

Ebonyfire

 

[Desdemona]

It is very good to see you posting here, Eb!

 

[SexyChele]

Eb, just want to second Desdemona's reply that it is good to see you here again.

 

[WillowPuss]

The key to punishment is knowing the sub rather than pulling something from the standard punishment file. You should have enough time invested to know what she would hate.

Robuck knows me so well that he knows just how to punnish.

With me ... the it is him withdrawing his affection/attention for a given period of time.

He has not had to use that yet, and I make sure that he will never have to use it.

Giving a spanking is no good as a punnishment ... I um enjoy it too much. We have got a home-made flogger that really stings - and he has used this once at the beginning of the relationship. It didn't take many hits to reduce me to tears. I knew I had failed in something and that I deserved some sort of punnishment, so endured it.
However, it didn't really work well as a punnishment once he saw just how much bad pain he had inflicted.

Thats when we came up with the 'neglect' type punnishment.
Not to have him speak to me, touch me or even look at me ... that would be agony and I make darn sure I will never have to be punnished in this manner.

 

[zipman]

The worst punishment

If I am truly displeased with a sub, I tie her up to the bed, on her back, with her legs high up in the air, spread wide open for me. Then I take out some of her favorite toys (plugs, crop and nipple clamps).

I make her think I am going to really punish the shit out of her.

Then I masturbate, very slowly with my cock right in front of her face. When I come, I do it in my hand, as I don't want her to even have the pleasure of my cum touching her. Then I go and do something in the other room for a while, leaving her bound and incredibly horny. I untie her to go to sleep, but don't touch her or allow her to masturbate!

This punishment has always worked, I find the sub's behavior improves dramatically!

 

[Persephone36]

Re: Abandonment is a hard limit for me

For me, abandonment is not a good motivator. It feels like emotional abuse rather than correction or appropriate punishment. I lose trust, my feelings are hurt and I become extremely angry. It would take enormous effort to rebuild the relationship.
sorry, this is a very sore subject for me.


If a Dom wants me to change my behavior, quietly telling me he is disappointed in me is a far more effective motivation. While I'm not a people pleaser in general, when it comes to a D/s relationship, pleasing my Dom is what makes me tick. Finding out that I caused him disappointment will make me punish myself; probably more intensely than anything he would chose to punish me for the infraction.
But thats just me.

Wow! Desdemona -- I completely agree with what you said above regarding abandonment. In fact, I'd say we might be sisters under the skin in all you said above (which is why I quoted it all, lol.)

In the past -- in a 'nilla relationship (and all my relationships have always been R/L -- I don't think a solely online D/s relationship would ever work for me...) if a guy used silent treatment, or abandoning tactics...it made me feel so deeply rejected, there was NO way I could continue things without my self-esteem being knocked to the ground. Eventually, that kind of emotional abuse for me -- would make me get so angry, and thankfully stand up for myself enough, that I'd walk away.

However, it *still* damaged my feelings of my self-worth.

And I'm intensely rejection sensitive as it is -- so none of that helped.

Nowadays, if I sense rejection -- and I'd treat a cutting off of communication as that -- it's my gut emotional reaction -- I'd emotionally pull away. And where does that leave you with a sense of trust in the relationship? For me, zero.

Maybe being a sub isn't really me. Or perhaps since I'm interested in being a sub sexually -- that the dynamic will work differently for me.

Besides, no form of physical punishment -- real physical punishment for pain's sake is acceptable to me. In fact -- punishment doesn't work with me at all -- discipline maybe. In fact, I've just generally wanted more discipline in my life, for my self -- so perhaps that's some of why I'm looking for it outside of me. Looking for someone else to take control.

Okay, I'm just rambling and thinking out loud here -- but perhaps once I'm sure I'm in better control of my own life -- being in control rather than being controlling -- then perhaps giving over control in the bedroom will be even a more satisfying experience to me. The more confidence I have in myself to run my life -- the more confidence I have in knowing that I won't *lose* myself in someone else -- even if I give him power over me sexually.

You know, I think WriterDom is just so on the mark. I would think if you want to make your D/s relationship work -- it's got to be specific to the two people involved. Otherwise, you're not fully respecting the individual you're with.

 

[SexyChele]

Re: The worst punishment

If I am truly displeased with a sub, I tie her up to the bed, on her back, with her legs high up in the air, spread wide open for me. Then I take out some of her favorite toys (plugs, crop and nipple clamps).

I make her think I am going to really punish the shit out of her.

Then I masturbate, very slowly with my cock right in front of her face. When I come, I do it in my hand, as I don't want her to even have the pleasure of my cum touching her. Then I go and do something in the other room for a while, leaving her bound and incredibly horny. I untie her to go to sleep, but don't touch her or allow her to masturbate!

This punishment has always worked, I find the sub's behavior improves dramatically!

Now, this is a type of punishment that would probably work with me. There would be no way for me to "bluff" my way out of it, or play head games with the Dominant.

Of course, I do gotta admit, the first part really had me going! With the second part, I could really feel the let down and disappointment!

Thank you, Zipman, for providing a bit of originality and creativity for me to think on!

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: The worst punishment

Now, this is a type of punishment that would probably work with me. There would be no way for me to "bluff" my way out of it, or play head games with the Dominant.

Of course, I do gotta admit, the first part really had me going! With the second part, I could really feel the let down and disappointment!

Thank you, Zipman, for providing a bit of originality and creativity for me to think on!

You are most welcome SexyChele,

Please bear in mind that this is punishment, not play. I often do tease my sub until I think she is ready for me, or just squirming with desire. I would never withhold sexual gratification lightly, I only od it when I am really displeased and ampunishing her as I love to provide my subs with multiple orgasms.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: Abandonment is a hard limit for me

Wow! Desdemona -- I completely agree with what you said above regarding abandonment. In fact, I'd say we might be sisters under the skin in all you said above (which is why I quoted it all, lol.)

In the past -- in a 'nilla relationship (and all my relationships have always been R/L -- I don't think a solely online D/s relationship would ever work for me...) if a guy used silent treatment, or abandoning tactics...it made me feel so deeply rejected, there was NO way I could continue things without my self-esteem being knocked to the ground. Eventually, that kind of emotional abuse for me -- would make me get so angry, and thankfully stand up for myself enough, that I'd walk away.

However, it *still* damaged my feelings of my self-worth.

And I'm intensely rejection sensitive as it is -- so none of that helped.

Nowadays, if I sense rejection -- and I'd treat a cutting off of communication as that -- it's my gut emotional reaction -- I'd emotionally pull away. And where does that leave you with a sense of trust in the relationship? For me, zero.

Maybe being a sub isn't really me. Or perhaps since I'm interested in being a sub sexually -- that the dynamic will work differently for me.

Besides, no form of physical punishment -- real physical punishment for pain's sake is acceptable to me. In fact -- punishment doesn't work with me at all -- discipline maybe. In fact, I've just generally wanted more discipline in my life, for my self -- so perhaps that's some of why I'm looking for it outside of me. Looking for someone else to take control.

Okay, I'm just rambling and thinking out loud here -- but perhaps once I'm sure I'm in better control of my own life -- being in control rather than being controlling -- then perhaps giving over control in the bedroom will be even a more satisfying experience to me. The more confidence I have in myself to run my life -- the more confidence I have in knowing that I won't *lose* myself in someone else -- even if I give him power over me sexually.

You know, I think WriterDom is just so on the mark. I would think if you want to make your D/s relationship work -- it's got to be specific to the two people involved. Otherwise, you're not fully respecting the individual you're with.

Since we apparently are sisters under the skin, I wish you'd call me Des. We have way too much in common. I agree with almost everything you just said.

 

[Desdemona]

Eb, just want to second Desdemona's reply that it is good to see you here again.

Chele, please call me des. Its so much shorter and easier to type. LOL

 

[Persephone36]

Re: Re: Re: Abandonment is a hard limit for me

Since we apparently are sisters under the skin, I wish you'd call me Des. We have way too much in common. I agree with almost everything you just said.

You got it Des -- call me Perse.

Lol, I like having way too much in common with people.

P.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Male vs. Female?

Do you think the abandonment issue is one faced more by female subs?

My boys do not seem to concern themselves with this issue. That is why I asked.

Ebony

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Male vs. Female?

Do you think the abandonment issue is one faced more by female subs?

My boys do not seem to concern themselves with this issue. That is why I asked.

Ebony

To tell the truth, I've never thought of it in those terms. Of course, I don't know that many sub men, either. But it could be. From what I've gathered about relationships between Dommes and sub men (and I could be off base here), there is a certain amount of caring, even liking, but little in the way of emotional attactment. Whereas I think with most female subs, they become emotionally attached to their Doms. (Well, most do, anyway) And I think that abandonment plays on the emotional aspects of the sub.

Now I'm really wondering. If abandonment really doesn't do it for me, am I not emotionally attached? Gawd, I could self-anaylize myself into insanity!

Thanks for the thought, Eb.