What men get wrong

[TxRad]

if a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear, is he still wrong?

We write erotica, not real life.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Dear Morons,

Everyone experiences sex differently. Its quite possible to feel orgasm in your toe or ear or breasts or virtually anyplace.

 

[litfan10]

if a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear, is he still wrong?

We write erotica, not real life.

suddenly I feel very wooden.

Does this mean I have a raging stalk of er.. timber?

 

[litfan10]

Okay this is a little off topic as it has nothing to do with sex, but my wife and I use the word {with very pained annoyance in the tone} "vanilla" whenever I or any member of the male species does something stupid and no woman even drunk or otherwise incapacitated would have done the same.
The word also represents to us women's innate ability to communicate very, very clear messages to men without actually using the words they are thinking, such as the woman says "Vanilla" when she is really saying "I can't believe you are such a stupid idiot, and I married you and still years later am still with you."
This word choice all came about one time when my wife and I were shopping in Sam's Club and while at the pizza counter we had a younger couple with three kids ahead of us. The kids were waaaaay past bed time, the wife looked ready to cry or scream in anger and the husband had a blank dazed look. She tells him to get the kids each a milk shake (which based on kids' behavior made us question the girl's sanity as well as wish to get the Hell out of there before the sugar hit the kids).
He orders and the counter girl asks him what kind of shakes. Well this baffled him so he turns to his wife "Uh what kind of shake?"
Dripping with enormous tone came "Vanilla!" with all the meaning of the above example. We had to laugh as we watched him flinch, duck his head and profusely apologize to his wife, kids, counter girl, us and the whole world in general.
Vanilla it is.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

No one in their sane mind pays any attention to females. Jesus!

Females bitch and cuss and sulk and nag regardless!

JIM JOHNSONS RULES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH FEMALES.

1. No always means Yes, except when it means No.
2. When a female asks a question it means one of two things: Its how they express what they prefer or its a demand that you better have a good lie ready.
3. A bachelor is really a man no female wants. If they wanted you they'd have you already.
4.You can never please a female cuz they always talk themselves out of whatever they like.
5. When a female smiles your way its the same as another boxer touching your gloves.
6.She's not really interested in you, she's a scout sent by her friends.
7.Females have no friends, what they have are confederates who are useful as witnesses and alibis.
8.Every female has in her head a checklist that requires more math than even Einstein could do. Size matters, so does your checking account. Fifteen minutes after she meets you she knows everything about you worth knowing, and knows how useful you are till someone better comes along.

 

[litfan10]

No one in their sane mind pays any attention to females. Jesus!

Females bitch and cuss and sulk and nag regardless!

JIM JOHNSONS RULES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH FEMALES.

1. No always means Yes, except when it means No.
2. When a female asks a question it means one of two things: Its how they express what they prefer or its a demand that you better have a good lie ready.
3. A bachelor is really a man no female wants. If they wanted you they'd have you already.
4.You can never please a female cuz they always talk themselves out of whatever they like.
5. When a female smiles your way its the same as another boxer touching your gloves.
6.She's not really interested in you, she's a scout sent by her friends.

you ah don't talk to girls much huh?

 

[djserani]

you ah don't talk to girls much huh?

Obviously not.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

you ah don't talk to girls much huh?

I have a PhD in girlz. I lived in a home with 5 sisters, mother, grandmother, and 2 aunts. I have 3 daughters. They never surprise me.

 

[litfan10]

I have a PhD in girlz. I lived in a home with 5 sisters, mother, grandmother, and 2 aunts. I have 3 daughters. They never surprise me.

let me rephrase my statement based on the above:

girls don't talk much to you unless necessary right?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My sisters dont talk to me. But women generally like my company cuz they think I'm dum and gullible.

 

[litfan10]

My sisters dont talk to me. But women generally like my company cuz they think I'm dum and gullible.

not touching this one!

 

[TxRad]

My sisters dont talk to me. But women generally like my company cuz they think I'm dum and gullible.

You only listen to the voices in your head but only when they agree with you.

 

[djserani]

not touching this one!

One of the message boards I've posted to for many years now used to have a figurative 10-foot-pole-of-non-touching.

I hereby add it to the Authors' Hangout.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The bargepole is a popular sex toy on this site.

 

[nerk]

Your story is the perfect example of what men get wrong.
There you are with your wife at Sam's Club. If I were going for cheap laughs I'd say that was the first thing you got wrong.
You observe a scene involving a young couple with 3 overtired kids. I assume the kids were screaming, whining demons, and the wife apparently was pretty close to joining them. The man, quite reasonably, looks a little shell shocked.

The wife tells the husband to get the demons milkshakes.

Now this is about as smart a move as deciding to put barbeque sauce on your head when being chased by zombies.

The husband, seeing that he could very easily wind up alone with 4 screaming demons, complies. Knowing that if he gets it wrong, he will be publicly castrated, he asks a simple question.
He is publicly castrated.



Yet you and your wife have made it a story about the man's stupidity.
That's just wrong.

Okay this is a little off topic as it has nothing to do with sex, but my wife and I use the word {with very pained annoyance in the tone} "vanilla" whenever I or any member of the male species does something stupid and no woman even drunk or otherwise incapacitated would have done the same.
The word also represents to us women's innate ability to communicate very, very clear messages to men without actually using the words they are thinking, such as the woman says "Vanilla" when she is really saying "I can't believe you are such a stupid idiot, and I married you and still years later am still with you."
This word choice all came about one time when my wife and I were shopping in Sam's Club and while at the pizza counter we had a younger couple with three kids ahead of us. The kids were waaaaay past bed time, the wife looked ready to cry or scream in anger and the husband had a blank dazed look. She tells him to get the kids each a milk shake (which based on kids' behavior made us question the girl's sanity as well as wish to get the Hell out of there before the sugar hit the kids).
He orders and the counter girl asks him what kind of shakes. Well this baffled him so he turns to his wife "Uh what kind of shake?"
Dripping with enormous tone came "Vanilla!" with all the meaning of the above example. We had to laugh as we watched him flinch, duck his head and profusely apologize to his wife, kids, counter girl, us and the whole world in general.
Vanilla it is.

 

[Athalia]

To the original post, my wife swears she can feel it when I ejaculate inside of her, but I've never written erotica from a female perspective so it hasn't come up.

I wasn't making myself clear. I can feel the spasms (sometimes) but I haven't felt the sensation of sudden warmth when a man ejaculates in me. (I often feel sudden warmth when I climax, but that's not the same thing.)

They dip the speculums in liquid nitrogen to disinfect them. Then they are stored in a special cryogenic chamber designed to lower the temperature further as they dry, just for fun.

I believe it. I really do. And I hear that the cryogenic chamber was invented by the same guy that invented the tit-squisher that they use for mammograms. It had to be a guy.

Athalia, may I ask...do you shave?

Ha, ha!

Gentlemen shouldn't ask ladies that question, at least on the first date.
But no, I don't. Tried it for a while, didn't like it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I can see that people are talking to our resident dog-poop eater, otherwise known as JAMESBJOHNSON.

Let me recommend the plugin in my signature; it allows precise control over who you do and don't see on the boards. You can ignore specific threads, and when you use it to ignore a user, they are completely gone. You won't see their quotes in other people's comments, either.

An invaluable tool for users of literotica's forums.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

But STELLA doesnt use it.

 

[PennLady]

Well, true to a point...

OK, bottom line, getting it clinically "right" isn't really the goal of good erotica. Clinically and technically, the physical sex act is pretty ridiculous. Erotica is all about building and delivering arousal and anticipation of orgasm. It's like the set of a stage play. Ever gone on stage and seen the set up close? Or the stage costumes? These are constructed to deliver an illusion as viewed from the audience. They aren't technically exact renderings. These wouldn't convey over the footlights.

There's a big glop of fantasy in good erotica. So what if the story doesn't get everything factually "right." Did it arouse and make the reader want to share the experience? If it worked in that vein, it's working. And, more often than not, to be working, it's got to deliver on a bigger scale than clinical correctness.

I'd agree here on some things. And of course, what constitutes erotica, what arouses people, works differently for every person, not just simply men or women. Fantasy is fine, but there's a point - for some readers -- where there's perhaps too much of it and it detracts from the story and the erotic content.

There are things that take me out a story, cliches that make me roll my eyes:
-- 5'0" women with DD+ chests
-- said women almost inevitably paired with 6'6"+ men
-- women with hair down to their waist/butt/thighs, especially if said woman is a cop/secret agent/ any other field where that would be a detriment
-- laundry list descriptions for men or women in a story
-- women who think semen is the next best thing to a protein shake, or chocolate (I have to admit, I made a small joke about this in my story Nothing Gets Through)
-- guys with 10-12" dicks that are -- as in one story -- as big a round as a soda can (um, ouch)

I can see reasons for having these characteristics, really. It could be humor, fetish, something else, but they so often show up in "regular" stories that it gets old.

 

[Liar]

There are things that take me out a story, cliches that make me roll my eyes:
-- 5'0" women with DD+ chests
-- said women almost inevitably paired with 6'6"+ men
-- women with hair down to their waist/butt/thighs, especially if said woman is a cop/secret agent/ any other field where that would be a detriment
-- laundry list descriptions for men or women in a story
-- women who think semen is the next best thing to a protein shake, or chocolate (I have to admit, I made a small joke about this in my story Nothing Gets Through)
-- guys with 10-12" dicks that are -- as in one story -- as big a round as a soda can (um, ouch)

Since I'm on the metric system, I rarely flinch when the measuments are waaaay unnatural in American smut stories.

But otherwise, the laundry list of trite clichés in this genre is longer than my 12" dick.

 

[Guest]

. . . .

 

[TxRad]

Pics, please?



(You can just email 'em.)

I just sent you three pictures of 4".

Greedy.

 

[Liar]

Pics, please?



(You can just email 'em.)

 

[bronzeage]

I'd agree here on some things. And of course, what constitutes erotica, what arouses people, works differently for every person, not just simply men or women. Fantasy is fine, but there's a point - for some readers -- where there's perhaps too much of it and it detracts from the story and the erotic content.

There are things that take me out a story, cliches that make me roll my eyes:
-- 5'0" women with DD+ chests
-- said women almost inevitably paired with 6'6"+ men
-- women with hair down to their waist/butt/thighs, especially if said woman is a cop/secret agent/ any other field where that would be a detriment
-- laundry list descriptions for men or women in a story
-- women who think semen is the next best thing to a protein shake, or chocolate (I have to admit, I made a small joke about this in my story Nothing Gets Through)
-- guys with 10-12" dicks that are -- as in one story -- as big a round as a soda can (um, ouch)

I can see reasons for having these characteristics, really. It could be humor, fetish, something else, but they so often show up in "regular" stories that it gets old.

What you have here is a list of how to write porn for men.

It's not really a matter of "getting it wrong", it's just the wrong audience.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Is that why all my favorite smut writers are women? Whodda thunk?