What Just Irritates Me

[BlackShanglan]

I will admit to falling for that thing, but then when I rewrote the story, I reduced it down to this first sentence:

I was nineteen back then - and not necessarily your typical nineteen year old. I had sorta ear length black hair and black clothes - I guess I was a sort of ‛emo‛ type

I mention my height in the story at a later point, and then my weight in episode three.

I like how you did this because it ties the description into the personality of the character and, as you observe, supplies the reader with a few key images rather than a massive core dump. Of course, different readers want different things; I try to imitate what I like, which is getting just the most important elements of description that tell me some things about character as well. Nice job.

Yes, on reflection, I'm willing to accept that "hits gym, bulks up, get laid" bears every last hallmark of a cliche. Which forces me, very unwillingly, to examine the possibility that 40-somethings who give up 90 minutes of their valuable time every day to try to shift a higher tonnage than last week's effort might also be something of a cliche...

That's it: I'm dumping the wife, buying a Porsche and looking into Rogaine. If I'm already having a mid-life crisis, I might as well do it right...

Best,
H (staring intently at a mirror, wondering if any muscle groups need special attention today...)

*laugh* Well, a thing can be quite an excellent idea in real life (as I think that exercising at a gym is) without being gripping reading - which is why so many of us run for the hills when a story includes an introductory "This really happened to me!" line. However, if I might drag your own work into the discussion, I thought that of all stories I've read involving some mention of gyms, yours (in two parts) had one of the best reasons for going there and one of the best work-ins for mentioning it. Your character needed a physical outlet in more ways than one, and he craved control in many ways as well. Because you did such strong groundwork with his work/life situation, the inclusion of the gym didn't feel jarring or forced. It connected meaningfully to the rest of the story and was a great deal more than just a means to convey a taut body.

You even managed to look into a mirror without lingering adoringly over your cock and pecs or using the phrase "of a man X years younger." Clearly you are a force to be reckoned with.

 

[cloudy]

Sort of. The story is about Paris Hilton, it's called "Angel in Darkness", but my character in it dosn't like thinking of her as 'sexy' all that much even though she likes being 'sexy' for him (the character is basically me but better looking). But then Nicky is introduced to the story in episode two, and he's "enthusiastic" with her.

It's a first for lit: a celebrity/fan romance story basically.

you're the guy that got all pissy when we made fun of Paris Hilton.

I remember you.

 

[Handprints]

You even managed to look into a mirror without lingering adoringly over your cock and pecs or using the phrase "of a man X years younger." Clearly you are a force to be reckoned with.

Damn! Clearly there are conventions to this genre with which I need to come to grips. I'll pick up a copy of "Bridges of Madison County" immediately...

And thanks for the kind words,
H

 

[Stella_Omega]

you're the guy that got all pissy when we made fun of Paris Hilton.

I remember you.

I'm glad you didn't stop writing it, though. Seriously.

 

[cloudy]

I'm glad you didn't stop writing it, though. Seriously.

This brings up something, though, even if it is sort of off on a tangent to the OP.

There's been a rash of celeb stories recently in the Feedback Forum. I've looked over a couple of them, and offered some helpful critique, even if it is done in my own charming manner. I really have tried to be gentle, which is hard to believe, I know.

Anyway...I've noticed that most of the celeb stories that I've looked at are boring in the extreme. Its as if the sole fact that its about a celeb should make a reader interested, and the whole thing of character building is just...skipped.

Why do so many fledgling writers begin with a celebrity story? And why are they generally so horrible? (Not talking about yours, Fallen - haven't read it).

I think you've written some, Stella - maybe you could help us over there - or here, even.

 

[FallenMorgan]

I'm glad you didn't stop writing it, though. Seriously.

I like how you did this because it ties the description into the personality of the character and, as you observe, supplies the reader with a few key images rather than a massive core dump. Of course, different readers want different things; I try to imitate what I like, which is getting just the most important elements of description that tell me some things about character as well. Nice job.

Thank you very much, I've rewritten it several times, but now I have it good most likely, I've eliminated alot of the between-chapter continuity errors.

you're the guy that got all pissy when we made fun of Paris Hilton.

I remember you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

This brings up something, though, even if it is sort of off on a tangent to the OP.

There's been a rash of celeb stories recently in the Feedback Forum. I've looked over a couple of them, and offered some helpful critique, even if it is done in my own charming manner. I really have tried to be gentle, which is hard to believe, I know.

Anyway...I've noticed that most of the celeb stories that I've looked at are boring in the extreme. Its as if the sole fact that its about a celeb should make a reader interested, and the whole thing of character building is just...skipped.

Why do so many fledgling writers begin with a celebrity story? And why are they generally so horrible? (Not talking about yours, Fallen - haven't read it).

I think you've written some, Stella - maybe you could help us over there - or here, even.

Why? Because it's so easy to do. It's not easy to do well, of course, but that's something people figure out afterwards-- or not.

Omigod, I could write an essay!

Hey,Morgan, what made you want to write this story? DId you want to write stories forst-- and then decide to write about Paris? Or did you want to write about Paris because you've been into her for a while? (That's why I wrote my first celeb story)

 

[FallenMorgan]

This brings up something, though, even if it is sort of off on a tangent to the OP.

There's been a rash of celeb stories recently in the Feedback Forum. I've looked over a couple of them, and offered some helpful critique, even if it is done in my own charming manner. I really have tried to be gentle, which is hard to believe, I know.

Anyway...I've noticed that most of the celeb stories that I've looked at are boring in the extreme. Its as if the sole fact that its about a celeb should make a reader interested, and the whole thing of character building is just...skipped.

Why do so many fledgling writers begin with a celebrity story? And why are they generally so horrible? (Not talking about yours, Fallen - haven't read it).

I think you've written some, Stella - maybe you could help us over there - or here, even.

I don't think I made that mistake. In Angel in Darkness, many things develop about the character of Paris Hilton. She's lonely at the time of the story, even though when the story starts (January 26th, 2007) in our timeline she was with that fag Stavros, I think.

There's some character development, I believe, if you'd like, Cloudy, I can PM episode 1 to you.

Hey,Morgan, what made you want to write this story? DId you want to write stories forst-- and then decide to write about Paris? Or did you want to write about Paris because you've been into her for a while? (That's why I wrote my first celeb story)

It may seem odd, but you see, I'm a huge, HUGE fan of Paris, and not in a pure sexual way. I wanted to write the story because I her, and I wanted something to always remind myself of that, even though I bang her sister in it.

I don't want to simply just bend her over a table and bang her from behind, even though she has a cute butt.

 

[JamesSD]

This brings up something, though, even if it is sort of off on a tangent to the OP.

There's been a rash of celeb stories recently in the Feedback Forum. I've looked over a couple of them, and offered some helpful critique, even if it is done in my own charming manner. I really have tried to be gentle, which is hard to believe, I know.

Anyway...I've noticed that most of the celeb stories that I've looked at are boring in the extreme. Its as if the sole fact that its about a celeb should make a reader interested, and the whole thing of character building is just...skipped.

Why do so many fledgling writers begin with a celebrity story? And why are they generally so horrible? (Not talking about yours, Fallen - haven't read it).

I think you've written some, Stella - maybe you could help us over there - or here, even.

Many people are sexually inspired by celebrities, and fantasize about them. It does make sense that beginning writers would try to put to page what they fantasize about. And let's face it, a lot of first time authors aren't very good, and everyone gets better the more they do something.

Interestingly, I've read a handful of stories where a (usually female) character was clearly inspired by a celebrity based on name and physical appearance, but the author made the wise decision to not make their character actually be the celeb themselves. It works better then you think it might, as it gives the author some freedom to play with the character and develop them, but also gives them a starting off point.

 

[FallenMorgan]

Interestingly, I've read a handful of stories where a (usually female) character was clearly inspired by a celebrity based on name and physical appearance, but the author made the wise decision to not make their character actually be the celeb themselves. It works better then you think it might, as it gives the author some freedom to play with the character and develop them, but also gives them a starting off point.

I like that too, it gives me a better idea of what they look like, rather than "Hi I'm blonde with DD tits"

 

[cloudy]

I like that too, it gives me a better idea of what they look like, rather than "Hi I'm blonde with DD tits"

Mentioning bra size is a faux pas. Don't do it.