what is your motivation for bdsm?

[trojan_man_co]

Ok the main stream thread in the cafe section got me thinking… what are peoples motivations for the BDSM life style.. why do we engage in the play and kinks that we do?

While I would hope that we do it for ourselves and because it is what we want and desire... I have a sneaking suspicion that many (not necessarily you all but others) do it for the shock value... to be able to say… “This is what I do on my weekends what do YOU do?”
Others I think get into it because they are bored with their sex lives and to spice it up.. the only other thing they can think of the only other some what main stream kink, is BDSM or lesbian/gay play.

Basically what im asking is… what do you all think is the motivation behind the recent growing trends of BDSM behavior and how it is become more socially acceptable and becoming more and more a norm… obviously not to the extremes some of us go to, .. but the theory and principal behind it… why is it that so many more are engaging in it to the point that it seems in terms of sexuality you are either vanilla or BDSM of sorts.. there aren’t any other kinks really out there hitting main stream so hard.

Obviously I understand there are some (different fetishes)… but I mean none have drawn the popularity that BDSM has… why is that?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think there are many who are drawn to it for either shock and/or novelty factors more so than real desire to live it...IME, those people do not remain with it for more than the period of time it takes them to begin to get itchy feet again for something new and exciting. There are also those who like the thrill it can give, who have some attraction to it, but not enough to live it, or are limited by other circumstances from living it. Then there are some who get into it to please a partner.

For myself, I had fantasies which involved bondage, pain, humiliation, D/s from early childhood. My daughter also wrote stories at 9 which involved the same themes and predated my active participation or association with the lifestyle. For me it was a matter of finding that though I enjoyed my sex life, it was missing something to make it feel fulfilling. Once I realised this world existed in a place other than my head, I went for it 100% and didn't look back. F and I are both much the same in that we do not feel a need to be seen, do the club and party scene, preferring to live life fairly quietly and between ourselves and the occasional other we might invite to join our play. It isn't something either of us could contemplate turning our backs on as a way of life so we are with it to stay.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I do what I do because either I enjoy it or my husband does.

In no way am I motivated by the possibility of shocking someone. I tell no one that I am not sure will be at least tolerant of what I do.

I believe that media has been taking the "edge" they feel is attached to kink and using it to titillate in various forms. That has lead others to be perhaps more aware, more interested and less fearful of something they previously might not have known about.

It certainly didn't lead me to do what I do. Occasionally I enjoy the media a bit more though.



Most of the time I abhor it.

Fury

 

[BedtimeStories77]

Motivation? I don't have any, per se. I simply am submissive. All my life I have been a passive/subservient person. It's simply just who I am. If there was no terminology for "what" I am, or what I enjoy, I would still get off from pain sexually and would strive to please my partner, and so on.

I don't "do it" for shock value or to "gross out" someone. I don't do it to please someone else, as in "because they told me to even though I don't want to". I don't do it because it's "popular" or "cool". I don't do it to fit in.

It's just me.

 

[Ahugreycat]

I don't really have an exact answer

Psychologically speaking, I believe we who love BDSM may be categorized into somewhat pathological people. But generally speaking, lovemaking and interaction between humans just consists of domination and submission basically. Our whole life we are obedient to some, parents, teachers, friends, the law, supervisors, our boss, pressure of society etc. On the other hand we also have others 'below' us in the hierarchy. Even more so in personal relationships. Therefore it comes quite natural to me, that most human beings do have SM tendencies in theirlove life and relationships. These are just theories of mine, in my case, I have been drawn to BDSM, to submitting to a woman since very early in life. I think my first Domme was a girl about 2 years older than I was, at that time I was 6,7. We played a lot of doctor and dog games Which was a lot of fun In fact, observing children in their play these tendencies can be seen in a lot of children's play, much to the discomfort of their parents, I believe it is part of the socalled child sexuality, when small children develop a sense for their sexuality before reaching maturity. I'd like to hear your thoughts, this is a very interesting topic. Cheers Ahu

 

[Kailey_86]

i engage in BDSM because i enjoy it. i get turned on by SM and i am naturally submissive. i definately don't do it for shock value although i am sure there are those out there who do. i think a lot of people are into the BDSM lifestyle because it is taboo. It is a rush. It can be wild and exciting. It is different from the norm making the individual unique in some way.

 

[babiesmiles]

I started it by chance . Only some time after I understood it was the thing I had craved all my life without being able to name it.

I am not a conventional BDSM person , I still need to work hard on myself, my discipline and blah blah .... but I am quite happy with what I am now. For sure more pacified with my inner istincts than I was few years ago.

I would be useless apologetic if I said it was a medicine for me but it surely has been and it still continually is a source of enquiries about myself , my basic pulsions and a continue occasion to question about me , others and life in general.

I am quite far from a solution which can disclosure the sense of my life in shining letters , but... "the journey is the reward ".... isn't it ?

 

[trojan_man_co]

i agree with you all completly.. my question was more... do you feel this sudden maintream of BDSM is due to genuine feelings, or false.. is our society becomeing more and more BDSM oriented or is it just a fad?

 

[ammre]

...
I believe that media has been taking the "edge" they feel is attached to kink and using it to titillate in various forms. That has lead others to be more perhaps more aware, more interested and less fearful of something they previous might not have known about.
...
Fury

Well the recent embrace I can point toward the media and often toward women embracing sexuality more.
The media conditions a lot of women into enjoying a bit of the male dominated sex (If you don't believe me listen to Akon's "smack that") You rarely hear of a girl spanking a boy before sex in the mainstream media. Then women got on this kick where it's become hella popular to be like "I LIKE SEX HAH, I"M LIBERATED I SAID IT!" Then they find themelves saying "I like having my hair pulled and being spanked while having sex!" and it seems so taboo and therefor liberating to say, but really it's almost comfortable to say it becasue it's such a common thought and expierence due to the media conditioning.
Then there's the surge in alterna subcultures... rennies, RHPS, anime, sci-fi, they all sorta teeter ont he edge of eachother and they all seem to have some pull towards BDSM as well.



Now, as to why I like it. I find this very intersting to speculate with. Part of it is that i'm horribly insecure and i find pleasure in sacrifice for the benefit of others. I say benefit instead of enjoyment becasue i don't like jsut being "used".

it's like going to a party... If i'm invited Ill go out of my way to bring something to the party that's amazing and enjoyable, even if it costs me grocery money for the week. I won't go to a party that has only invited me becasue they know i bring good stuff.

If i know that someone wants me for ME (and i want them of course) not just for the sexual pleasure i could give them, then I'm willing and eager to sacrifice for them. I don't like pain but I have no problem with hurting for them. I have no problem kneeling by their chair as they read, waiting for a moment of affection.

Like the desire to be someone's most prescious toy. Of course like any prescious toy though, you don't treat it like crap.

 

[ammre]

also things like being tied up and imaginarially having no control (becasue i KNOW they would value my safeword) turn me on.

 

[Xelebes]

What else? To take over the entire world!

 

[Auraka6669]

I think BDSM is ingrained into everyone. Some more so than others.

If you look at vanilla relationships, someone is always in charge of something in some way. When you break it down... just about anything is "leader" and "follower". Some just embrace it more than others, and everything in between.

Why is it becoming more popular? IMO it's becoming more acceptable. So you can go out there and do something you'd never dream of before. There are a lot of people who are living out a fantasy as a result, but get snapped back to reality once they actually engage... others just keep the fantasy alive and play. To each their own.

Just the way I see it anyways. What do I know.

 

[TheDivineMsM]

For me personally I am motivated by many things, genuine desire and interest in continuing to experience my Domme side, but also in the dynamics of the power exchange, the psychology, the dramatics of the whole experience, the getting inside someone else’s mind and pushing their buttons, while mine are being simultaneously pushed from the other side. The technical aspects of being proficient in certain areas and being able to claim that as a skill. I don’t know, its not any one thing its all of it; the wardrobe, the shoes (I love my boots) the connections with the most amazing people, the clubs, the parties the memories, the equipment, the bonds and way my sub looks at me, the complete and utter trust he has in me and how I honor that in everything I do, the future, the fear and adrenaline, the unknown. I just like it all.

Oh and I do think increased awareness, movies, internet and the like are all responsible equally for the upsweep in popularity. Because so many millions like me found that finally they weren’t alone and maybe if they were lucky they could find someone to play with.

I must admit...when I find a good close friend and we discuss life experiences I do like the initial shock value, call it a guilty pleasure... I don't hide myself from my close friends because I like to inform, teach and guide people, who want to know. I asked and someone told me when I was uninformed and if I can be that font of information that helps someone experience even a quarter what I have; I would feel honored and that I had served a purpose.

Sorry for rambling but I am tired I guess.
Hope this made sense.
The Divine Ms M

 

[Sylvia2]

Yes Divine, it makes total sense, and I also agree with Auraka's attitude.

To get to the core of the origninal question, I think the popularity of BDSM activities is increasing because society is becoming more self-indulgent. We live in an age where many people are not ultimately satisfied by their careers; although we may work hard and be paid well, but don't always feel that our free time is spent in a rewarding way. We can reward ourselves with expensive treats and pastimes, but this is ultimately feeding the consumerist element of our lives further. Some look to spirituality to heal wounds and fill holes.

Alternatively, BDSM is a means of fulfilling our more basic needs for closeness and for control over our own pleasure, without necessarily involving anything from the outside world...uncontaminated thrills.

Sorry if this all comes across as being a bit of pseudo-sociology, just my thoughts really.

 

[liberatedslave]

Personally I think that the growth of the internet has had more to do with the growth of things like BDSM. Porn is now availaible to the masses without having to sidle up to the counter at your local video store with a copy of "whipped and assfucked subsluts" under your arm. Then there are forums like this one where kinksters can chat and swap thoughts and ideas in total anonymity. None of this was so easily available before Bill Gates. Kink has been around forever but until recently the majority of people had no outlet for it and so suppressed their desires and settled for a nice, normal, vanilla relationship.

In some ways I do think that the growth of kink to mainstream consciousness mirrors that of the GLBT community (not that we're about to have state recognized ownership ceremonies but there's always time).

Personally, like other posters I have always been submissive. I didn't realise until a few years ago that I wanted and needed it to be a much bigger part of my life and without forums like Lit, I for one would never have got as far along the road as I have. I have one close friend who knows about my kink (other than my Sir and my ex Sir of course) and that's ot outside of online acquaintances. I met my Sir here in the Lit chatroom. Even in this enlightened day and age I think that without the net I'd have ended up with a 'nice guy' and suppressed my kink as I did in my first sexual relationships and experiences.

That's my tuppence anyway

 

[FurryFury]

For me, this goes back to my belief that most people are kinky in some way. Yeah, I know a lot of people won't agree.

I suspect that many are ashamed of whatever kinks they may have. Therefore they, in the absence of information about how many others might have the same kinks and/or find them hot, many probably suppress these things to the best of their abilities. Well that's how it was for me in the past anyway.

Now with media throwing around kink as if it is the icing on the cake, and the Internet, people are able to embrace their own kinks quicker and easier.

Of course, with me it wasn't until I researched things for myself, that it all clicked for me. I'd had years of media hints. I was so pissed off when violence and sex were involved. Of course I'd been through all those non consent years so that was coloring my perceptions.

I had so many years too of buds telling me about what they were into. I was always all, "that's fine for you, I'm glad you're happy with it, but it's not for me." Well that was then. This is now.

LOL.

Fury

 

[leeroy jenkins]

I think Fury's title says it for me, Addicted to sensation. As a masochist its not just about pain but sensations. This maybe part of the reason I play with guys and gals. Both sexs play in different ways.

 

[nowgirl]

i think it's a fad. what's left to exploit? in the past 10 years, calvin klein had some controversial ads as well as abercrombie & fitch with nudity and group sex. in order to catch our attention or get a "rise" out of us, do advertisers, movie makers, authors, etc have to be more extreme? i think they think so.

there was a great "spread" in Esquire (i think January) magazine - it was supposed to be showing us men's suits but it was done in a very 40's style detective look with (what i thought was) a bdsm twist. a shady (but very hot) looking man grabs an innocent (but very hot) looking woman from behind, has one hand on her mouth, another on her neck... in the next picture, the only shot is of her very high heeled feet tied to a chair... i didn't really think about the men's suits they were showing! but i liked the pictures.

i still think that most vanilla people - including most of my friends & family - would describe bdsm as abuse, beating someone up, a power struggle vs a power exchange. the media and our society in general isn't embracing bdsm - rather, the media is using it to titillate.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Mini hijack..In light of mentioning the media and popular culture as a means of making the lifestyle and associated kinks more widely acceptable, I thought some might like this article about the new movie on Bettie Page.

Catalina

 

[Kailey_86]

i think that it is a lot of things. i think that it is a fad in a lot of ways, like nowgirl said. Companies want to get our attention to sell their products so they will use something that is shocking.

i know a lot of kids these days are wearing clothes that are BDSM-related like collars, corsets, leather and lace...all in black. i don't think the majority of these kids are into BDSM, it's just a new style.

Then there are those who really are into BDSM. They are finally able to find and embrace that side of themselves. The internet is a big help with this. i have always been submissive and i was experimenting with BDSM even as a kid but i had no idea what all of this was. If it weren't for the internet, i would still be in the dark. If i ever did figure out about this lifestyle without the internet, things would have moved a lot slower.

i think that a lot of these feelings and needs are normal and natural for humans in general. i have told a close friend about my lifestyle and she was shocked at first but then she started asking questions. i think that there are A LOT more people out there who are interested in BDSM but who are too afraid of it because of the lies and rumors they heard about it.

 

[the_pet]

I think partly the interest in BDSM is due to the media and the entertainment industry. Remember Britney was "a slave for you" and you've got Justin Timberlake saying, "i'll let you whip me if i misbehave", so hey, if Justin's doing it - it must be cool right?!

I personally have the "need" or addiction - call it what you like.


pet

 

[Penalt]

Well, in my case, the root cause of my desire for BDSM comes from my childhood and then came forward through my teens and into adulthood. My parents argued a lot and used my siblings and me as weapons in their war against each other. So, as I grew I began to have a deep seated need to control as much around me as I could.

I was also painfully shy and my religous upbringing had taught me that sex in anything other than for procreation was 'evil'. So, I had zero romantic contact with the opposite sex. So, I came to the conclusion the only way any woman would have me is if I was able to control her bodily. Happily, this desire to control a woman was also combined with a deep respect for women in general and so what occured was a need to control a woman who was willing to allow me to control and who loved me for it.

So, in a nutshell, my motivation for BDSM is a need to control as much around me as possible. What's surprising is that I am not a control freak!

 

[vtxxxr]

I too got into it strictly by chance, my wife was collared before, and introduced me to the whole thing! I gradually learned more and more about it and now have learned that its a total lifestyle change to what I was before. I enjoy it because there is always something to learn and your imagination is the limit (unless there limits already established) I enjoy the lifestyle and glad that there are others out there that enjoy it as much as I do!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I adore the control and the bond that I share with my rose. I love that she has the trust to place the care of her life in my hands.

I am also a bit of a sadist as I get off on inflicting pain on her. I love when I am pushing her, and I know that she is taking it becuase it pleases me... when she says "Ow shit that hurts" and I reply iwht a smile in my voice "Good, it is supposed to..."

I love that her prime desire is to serve me and to make me happy.

As far as the mainstream, they may give some homage to the kink as a way to grab attention or to titilate, I doubt they really get it. For me its about every minute of every day... in the bedroom or out shopping.. the power exchange...

 

[ahveel]

Loss of control

I'm very controlled with my everyday life. Always poise, calm and such. I appear very dominant to most people i know and I don't know why but they say I intimidate them.

What draws me to D/s is the thought of losing that control. I've always been a leader of sorts in school and out. I excelled in my academics and in running the orgs i joined. It's not to brag or anything as i myself don't consider those noteworthy yet. But what i consider noteworthy is the reason why i do those stuff that i did. It's not just to impress my parents and prove to myself that I can do it but as I've just realized, it's my way of preparing for my dom.

I've always admired strong women (which led my family to think I'm a lesbian) and I've always wanted to be like them. Independent, confident and with a persona that shouts "I can take on the world!" Why? I don't know. So that maybe it'll make it all the more sweeter for my dom to take control me. I like to think that if people see me with my dom in the future. Not blatantly collared or something. They'd say "That man must be really something to be able to control that woman or to make that woman submit to him." *sigh* I'd love to stoke their egos some more and let the tarzan in them come out. hahaha But that's just me with my girly fantasies.



Books, I learned through reading books about bdsm. Then there's the media and most importantly the internet, which introduced me to sites like these and people like you guys. So open. I could just shout out right now with joy! I'm not alone and never was actually.