What is the Terminology for This?

[bridgeburner]

I'm doing some editing again but I thought I'd probably get a better/faster response here in the Author's Hangout --- and I'm sure someone here will know the answer to this.

In the piece I'm editing now there are multiple instances of a rather odd sentence pattern. It's bugging me a lot and I kept wanting to say it was Passive Voice, but that's not right. They're active verbs, but because of the way the sentences are constructed the action is sort of one step removed so even though they aren't passive verbs, the immediacy of the action is dulled.

Ex:

He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down.

Rather than unbuttoning her skirt and pushing down his boxers he moves his hands and then the hands do the work. See what I mean about being one step removed?

Is there a term for this?

I'm also wondering if it's because the people in the story never seem to do anything directly to one another. They move hands which then act or they push tongues which then part lips or a mouth will find something or a lip will go make a pot of coffee or.....well, no, that's not right, but it's kind of a strange anthropomorphism. Is that the right word?


Hell, I hate this. I know when things sound wrong but I can't remember any of the actual terms for any of those errors. Gaaaah! Somebody smack me.


-B

 

[lucky-E-leven]

I don't know, but I'd like to, so...

Bump (& Grind)

 

[Liar]

Projicerande besjälning.

If only I had a dictionary. I don't have the English term for it.

 

[Guest]

I almost hate to say this, but it just sounds like sub-standard writing to me. It's telling, pure and simple. There appears to be no emotion there, no pulling into the characters minds, at all, just a description of what the body parts are doing.

Robotic?

I really don't know the term, but I definitely see what you mean.

Lou

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

. . . Ex:

He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down.

Rather than unbuttoning her skirt and pushing down his boxers he moves his hands and then the hands do the work. See what I mean about being one step removed?

Is there a term for this?
... anthropomorphism. Is that the right word?

Anthropomorphism is the tendency of people to think of inanimate objects as having human-like characteristics.

Think of Walt Disney's ". . . Johnny Fedora loved Alice Blue Bonnet in the window of the department store . . . "

Your single sentence is too small of a sample to judge, but all on its own, it needs some connection between the physical actions of the hands to the emotional motives or responses of the hand's (or skirt's) possessor.

Perhaps that is in the previous or following sentence.


Does that help?

 

[pop_54]

Projicerande besjälning.

If only I had a dictionary. I don't have the English term for it.

Trust you

 

[pop_54]

I almost hate to say this, but it just sounds like sub-standard writing to me. It's telling, pure and simple. There appears to be no emotion there, no pulling into the characters minds, at all, just a description of what the body parts are doing.

Robotic?

I really don't know the term, but I definitely see what you mean.

Lou

Sorry Bridge, I've got to agree with Katie Lou, lacking emotion or true feeling, repetitive and unneeded descriptions of actions that should be flowing rather than jerking. Save the jerking until he gets his cock in her.

 

[Weird Harold]

In the peice I'm editing now there are multiple instances of a rather odd sentance pattern. It's bugging me a lot and I kept wanting to say it was Passive Voice, but that's not right. They're active verbs, but because of the way the sentences are constructed the action is sort of one step removed so even though they aren't passive verbs, the immediacy of the action is dulled.

Ex:

He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down.

I think "Indirect" is as good a technical term as any, but the problem you need to address is "over-controlling" the action.

There is a rather long discussion about this kind of problem from some time back that began with the question "how to make a cup of tea."

There's also a thread about a similar problem named "Almost" Banned that I started that was last active about two weeks ago.

 

[TheEarl]

I was just thinking, "I haven't seen Weird Harold in a while." Then someone asks a question and, miraculously, he appears.

Heya Bridgeburner, haven't seen you in a while either. IIRC, it's called indirect action. The hands don't unzip, they move to unzip. It's very insiduous and tends to creep in and take over a story in my experience. Best thing to do it to try and root out as many as you can, otherwise everyone's hands are going to be moving to and starting to and beginning to.

The Earl

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

. . . otherwise everyone's hands are going to be moving to and starting to and beginning to. The Earl

Are you almost finished?

 

[Weird Harold]

Are you almost finished?

Wrong thread VB. It's my thread on "Almost" Banned that you want for that remark.

 

[TheEarl]

Are you almost finished?

Starting to be.

The Earl

 

[Pure]

Hi bb,

He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down.


Rather than unbuttoning her skirt and pushing down his boxers he moves his hands and then the hands do the work. See what I mean about being one step removed?

I don't see 'hands doing the work'. The first sentence is equivalent to
He moved his hand to her skirt; he unbuttoned it. I see no problem, though the detail may be excessive.

In context: He ran his hands over her body, touching her breasts, grasping her ass. He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it.

I agree that most contexts don't need 'blow by blow'. //He put his right hand on her left shoulder. He eased his left onto her ass. Leaning toward he slightly, he exhaled a little before drawing close to her mouth. Then he brought his lips into contact with hers.//

Some novice writers believe--without good grounds-- in 'no gaps. It's never, //He heard the bell, and answered the door and kissed her. // There must be the steps to the door, the opening of it, etc.

 

[cantdog]

Pure's right, in the care of the example given. It is merely over-writing.

But if the writer goes on, as you say, to send body parts to do a man's job, that's metonymy.

 

[bridgeburner]

Gawd I love you guys! I knew you'd come through for me.

Yes, Lou! You and Pop nailed it --- I didn't want to post actual text from the story and was at a bit of a loss on how to reproduce what I was talking about in any length. I just don't think that way when I write.

Thanks, Harold for the thread recs, I'll definitely check them out. I'm trying to compile a list of links and resources that I can refer to and even recommend to authors. No sense in my trying to figure out a way to restate things that have already been laid out well some other place.

Good to see you as well, Earl. I hadn't realized how long I'd been away from the more literary crowd here. I'll try not to let it happen again. ;->


-B

 

[bridgeburner]

Hi bb,

I agree that most contexts don't need 'blow by blow'. //He put his right hand on her left shoulder. He eased his left onto her ass. Leaning toward he slightly, he exhaled a little before drawing close to her mouth. Then he brought his lips into contact with hers.//

Some novice writers believe--without good grounds-- in 'no gaps. It's never, //He heard the bell, and answered the door and kissed her. // There must be the steps to the door, the opening of it, etc.

Hiya Pure,

Yep, there's a lot of that overly precise explanation of every single movement and it seriously disrupts the flow of things especially when coupled with all of the indirect action.


Whew! Now I've got a way to express what I was seeing to my author. Tah-roo! Tah-ray! Oh happy day!


-B

 

[Huckleman2000]

I'm doing some editing again but I thought I'd probably get a better/faster response here in the Author's Hangout --- and I'm sure someone here will know the answer to this.

In the piece I'm editing now there are multiple instances of a rather odd sentence pattern. It's bugging me a lot and I kept wanting to say it was Passive Voice, but that's not right. They're active verbs, but because of the way the sentences are constructed the action is sort of one step removed so even though they aren't passive verbs, the immediacy of the action is dulled.

Ex:

He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down.

Rather than unbuttoning her skirt and pushing down his boxers he moves his hands and then the hands do the work. See what I mean about being one step removed?

Is there a term for this?

If it's truly in the sentence structure, I would say that there is excessive parallelism (?) in the writing. When the sentences echo each other to that degree, there has to be a reason for it. One reason would be, to break the pattern with a non-sequitur, so-
He moved his hand to her skirt and unbuttoned it. He moved his other hand to his boxers and tugged them down. His other hand grabbed his cock, and began pumping it. Aghast, he turned to see his sister, who smiled and put the finger of her other hand to his lips.

Without a conscious purpose to set the readers' expectations in a certain way, that sort of writing just sounds repetitive, and there's no payoff if the pattern isn't broken in some unexpected way.

It's creating tension, but with no corresponding release.

 

[cantdog]

No it isn't. It's just overwritten.