What is the difference?

[Hipshot1554]

I'm curious as to the difference between a submissive and someone that genuinely loves to please their partner.

I realize that submission must go beyond sex.

Enlighten me please?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I'm curious as to the difference between a submissive and someone that genuinely loves to please their partner.

I realize that submission must go beyond sex.

Enlighten me please?

Submission is sort of a catch all term, and there's no one definition. Honestly, I could accurately be described as someone who truly wants to please my partner. My partner is a dominant man who has specific wants and needs that I love to meet.

Submission can go beyond sex, sure. It doesn't have to, though. There's a huge continuum on which one can sort all things D/s.

ETA: to give my partner that much control, to give up my power to him, there's a great deal of trust involved. My safety is in his hands and I won't just give that to anyone. You should read the threads here, especially some of the older ones.

 

[Hipshot1554]

Submission is sort of a catch all term, and there's no one definition. Honestly, I could accurately be described as someone who truly wants to please my partner. My partner is a dominant man who has specific wants and needs that I love to meet.

Submission can go beyond sex, sure. It doesn't have to, though. There's a huge continuum on which one can sort all things D/s.

ETA: to give my partner that much control, to give up my power to him, there's a great deal of trust involved. My safety is in his hands and I won't just give that to anyone. You should read the threads here, especially some of the older ones.

I have read many of the threads, and what you say about submission meaning different things to different people is why I started this thread.

I have come to believe that some use their submission to be able to do things they wouldn't do on their own. "My D made me do it".

I would dearly love hearing the different perspectives on what it means to the folks here.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[SpunThings]

I have read may of the threads, and what you say about submission meaning different things to different people is why I started this thread.

I have come to believe that some use their submission to be able to do things they wouldn't do on their own. "My D made me do it".

I would dearly love hearing the different perspectives on what it means to the folks here.

Thank you for your reply.

The overarching thing that ties all different types of submissives together is that they want someone else in charge of certain aspects of their lives. It can be just in the sexual realm, it can be outside of sex in negotiated areas, it can be throughout ALL their lives. It's just about authority exchange, and each s-type does it for different motivations. Some are motivated to please, but some are not.

I personally am NOT motivated to please, and get really stressed and feel like there's pressure on me if the expectation is on pleasing. My behavior doesn't change, but somehow my own pleasure is lessened. I prefer to be submissive when it comes to sex because it allows me to be comfortable, uninhibited, and not stress about how things are going to go, what's going to happen, how we're both going to feel about it... All those thoughts mean my own sexual pleasure gets inhibited in favor of all those cognitive things. If he's in charge I just don't think about it, and I can also be assured that he'll get the pleasure he wants because he tells me what he wants.

This is something we built up over time, but these days he's the big boss of sex, when it happens, and how it happens. In the early days that dynamic did help me experience some things that I was uncomfortable with admitting that I wanted, but these days I'm totally comfortable in my sexuality.

The important thing to remember is that a submissive person in a relationship does not necessarily equate to submissive personality (certainly not in my case!). It just means they want someone else to be the leader of negotiated areas of their lives.

 

[SpunThings]

With that in mind, someone who prefers a dominant role could still be motivated to please their partner. They just want to be in charge while they do it. My husband is the pleaser type, and he's quite comfortable in the dominant role in the bedroom.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I have read may of the threads, and what you say about submission meaning different things to different people is why I started this thread.

I have come to believe that some use their submission to be able to do things they wouldn't do on their own. "My D made me do it".

I would dearly love hearing the different perspectives on what it means to the folks here.

Thank you for your reply.

I would take a subtly different perspective of this. I'm a "good" "respectable" person who wants to do some "slutty" things (excessive use of quotes, I know, but it seemed right). I am able to do things I would maybe not do otherwise, but I don't "blame it on my PYL" rather I am grateful to him, and I consent to the play.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I would take a subtly different perspective of this. I'm a "good" "respectable" person who wants to do some "slutty" things (excessive use of quotes, I know, but it seemed right). I am able to do things I would maybe not do otherwise, but I don't "blame it on my PYL" rather I am grateful to him, and I consent to the play.

Maybe I should have said my D enabled me to do things...

 

[submit4pleasure]

Spunthings stated it perfectly.

For me, being a sub means being able to relax, let go and play. I can do this because my Dom/me is watching out for my safety and pleasure. I tend to be so focused on pleasing my partner that i forget about myself. And there's no stress about making sure i'm doing what they like, because they tell me exactly what to do. It's very freeing for me!

 

[Hipshot1554]

For me, being a sub means being able to relax, let go and play. I can do this because my Dom/me is watching out for my safety and pleasure. I tend to be so focused on pleasing my partner that i forget about myself. And there's no stress about making sure i'm doing what they like, because they tell me exactly what to do. It's very freeing for me!

I have been confused when interacting with an admitted sub. Expectations can be very different.

Thank you...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[DaddyFrank]

I for one really love Elle and Gianbattista's writings. I sense such feelings and emotional connections.

As a Dom, I can't really answer the question the OP is asking since I can't see a relationship from that angle. What I can see is the look on my Babygurl's face when she does something that pleases me, anything at all. I admit that I don't understand it, but seeing the light in her eyes makes me feel magnificent as a man. Whether you are talking sex, or cooking, or her rubbing my feet at the end of a hard day, I want to please her, because she pleases me. I want to be a worthy man to her adoration.
Is she like that with everyone? NO WAY! Only with me. We have shared so many first time experiences that I feel she is truly a part of me.

 

[desertslave]

For me it is about surrendering control. I might be required to do things that I would enjoy anyway, I might be required to do things I'm neutral about, I might be required to do things that I don't want to do, but which are still within our mutual limits. He determines what I am allowed to do.

Now, that said, he is not into micromanagement, so I am allowed to decide what to wear, what to make for dinner, and many other daily tasks, because he allows me to make those decisions. But, when he says "jump" I do what he expects me to do. If he started telling me what to wear and exactly what temperature he wanted his coffee to be tomorrow, I would endeavor to do so.

I'm not perfect, and I'm not a doormat. I am almost always allowed to ask for clarification or modification, but again, he chooses beyond that.

Central to my own motivation is definitely my desire to please him. I also crave that sense of being controlled, knowing that someone is in charge of and caring about me and my well-being (because there are times when I'm not my best caretaker). It's a very symbiotic relationship.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[policywank]

Just my two cents.

Hopefully we all want to please our partner.

A submissive takes pleasure for themselves from the act of submitting. The point is to not have to think about what will please their partner but rather to simply obey. In many ways they are the receiver of pleasure because their greatest desire is to cede decision-making.

One of the interesting dynamic about pleasure is the degree to which we would rather give or receive. Most people take pleasure from both in varying degrees. Those that insist on always being the giver may in fact be selfishly hogging the role of giver and denying their partner the pleasure of being the giver.

Imagine for a moment a simple non-sexual example such as deciding where to go for dinner. Your partner has chosen the last 10 restaurants, half of which you did not enjoy (and he/she knew it no matter how hard you tried to pretend otherwise). It is quite possible that what they sincerely want is for you to choose the next restaurant. Refusing to express a preference may not be doing them any favours at all - not having to guess what you want or worry about disappointing you may be far more valuable to them than tonight's meal. The generous thing to do is tell them what you want and let them glean the pleasure of pleasing you.

I am dominant in my relationship with my husband. I make the dining choices both literally and metaphorically which is a relief to him. At the same time, when I ask what he likes or feels like eating that night I expect an honest and forthright answer. "Whatever you want dear" is not an acceptable answer and will in fact be punished. Meanwhile I make a point of frequently not automatically choosing his expressed preference. I ensure that we both get our fair share of our own preferences as well as the pleasure of facilitating the other person's preferences.

As my Sub his greatest pleasure is from handing that choice off to me so that he has absolute clarity and can simply focus on obeying. Whether I choose what he likes or what I like it is non-negotiable so he can get on with enjoying being the giver or the receiver without ever having to contemplate whether he "should" be the other.

There is, in my opinion, an incorrect perception that the Dom has carte blanche to be selfish. This may be the way it works in some relationships. But I prefer to think that the Dom has carte blanche to make the decisions. With that authority comes the responsibility to make decisions that are in the interests of both partners.

Once you understand the challenge of being responsible for other people, you start to see that the Dom is in the service of the Sub as much as the other way around.

 

[babslovesherdaddy]

I'm curious as to the difference between a submissive and someone that genuinely loves to please their partner.

I realize that submission must go beyond sex.

Enlighten me please?

I am not sure how to answer that. My Dominant genuinely loves to please me, and yet I am still His submissive.

 

[thelaughingcat]

There is, in my opinion, an incorrect perception that the Dom has carte blanche to be selfish. This may be the way it works in some relationships. But I prefer to think that the Dom has carte blanche to make the decisions. With that authority comes the responsibility to make decisions that are in the interests of both partners.

Once you understand the challenge of being responsible for other people, you start to see that the Dom is in the service of the Sub as much as the other way around.

Brilliantly put. As someone else said on here it is a symbiotic relationship, and each one is different. Personally our dynamic is purely sexual, as I tend to rule the roost outside of the bedroom, and while I have tried to make it work with someone who prefers to be pleased in all arenas, it never gelled with me - I soent a lot of time very frustrated. Of course, if the above had been true, then maybe I would have been far calmer.

I spent quite a long time feeling quite guilty about being submissive as I saw it as being selfish in its own right - because if I didn't want to take decisions in the bedroom then how could I possibly expect someone else to be happy taking on that responsibility? It honestly didn't occur to me for the longest time that maybe, just maybe someone else couldn't understand why I wouldn't want that authority *grins*