What if he doesn't really like it?

Nope your not crazy..well if you are I am too. I feel the same way.
 
I'm in sort of the mirror of that situation - I'd love to find someone who would be turned on having me as their sub. My wife is game for most whatever I want but never really will admit to being turned on by things herself. Life gets one-sided when you can't enjoy pleasing someone else for a change.
 
april2000 said:
Problem is, I don't WANT a man to "tie me up and beat" me just because it turns me on. I want him to do it becasue it turns HIM on.

that's exactly how i feel, too. I had a great open minded boyfriend for years who would do just about anything exciting in bed, but if it wasn't his kink, i just couldn't get in to it.

which is why i've resorted to collarme for the last year to find new people to date, heh. which sucks, 'cause of the problem that 99% of the people on there are idiots, but i've made some good friends and had some fun.

you're not crazy. find something that works for you. i had this discussion with my boss when i started dating again, because i was so frustrated that i couldn't find a kinky boy. he said, find someone who's personality matches mine and they'll do anything i want in bed. i told him it wasn't the same, and he just couldn't understand. damnit, it's a necessity to me that THEY be dominant!

anyways rant over.

good luck.
 
If someone does it just because you want or need it, without actually enjoying or admitting to enjoying it for themselves, it leaves a feeling of obligation/guilt in a not so D/s nice way for me. If I want a puppy, I'll buy one from the pet shop who I know will have had all his shots. :D

Catalina :catroar:
 
Chicklet said:
that's exactly how i feel, too. I had a great open minded boyfriend for years who would do just about anything exciting in bed, but if it wasn't his kink, i just couldn't get in to it.

which is why i've resorted to collarme for the last year to find new people to date, heh. which sucks, 'cause of the problem that 99% of the people on there are idiots, but i've made some good friends and had some fun.

you're not crazy. find something that works for you. i had this discussion with my boss when i started dating again, because i was so frustrated that i couldn't find a kinky boy. he said, find someone who's personality matches mine and they'll do anything i want in bed. i told him it wasn't the same, and he just couldn't understand. damnit, it's a necessity to me that THEY be dominant!

anyways rant over.

good luck.

There are some dominant men here (who don't generally hang out in the BDSM forum)... and only 98% of the Lit men are idiots... (aside from those 0-post PM idiots... they don't count).
 
april2000 said:
I have zero experience with D/s, for reasons that I won't go into. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't intensely desire it. :) I've talked to a few friends about this....they're all men, and we're pretty open with the sex talk . It seems like the overwhelming consensous is "I'd do it if she was really interested. It would turn me on because it turns her on." Problem is, I don't WANT a man to "tie me up and beat" me just because it turns me on. I want him to do it becasue it turns HIM on. There is a difference, right? Am I crazy for wanting someone who wants to dominate me because it does something for HIM?

i understand this totally. Not sure though i can offer advice (?) so to speak as much as just an experience that maybe you can draw your own thoughts from. my Partner and i do not subscribe to any labels what-so-ever. It comes down to simply this: he's in control of everything, period. It is his nature, it is who he is from his job on down to everything else in his life. Having said that (there's always a but, isn't there?) i will say that anything S/M at all has come very slowly and is still developing. There are also some things i have experienced and enjoyed i know he will not ever be willing to venture into such as knife play. i have accepted that because the way he makes me feel is so overwhelming, some physical activities like that have just dimmed in their importance because i get so much from him in other ways. i was honest with him even before we started dating that i am submissive *in and out* of bed. It took a while to develop that trust sexually, that belief between us that a) he wanted to do those things with me and b) that i wanted him to do those things. At first it was very uncomfortable because i did feel he was doing things in bed because it was a turn on to me and not him. Given my nature, that was very unsatisfying to me. i felt insecure, like a failure, like i was doing something wrong. We talked about it and eventually what i have come to understand is the S/M we do do is because when i react the way i do to him when he does something, it is watching and feeling my reaction that turns him on even more. So not sure is it fair to say when he spanks me really hard, is he doing it for me? Or for him? If he's doing it because he knows i enjoy it and my reaction to it turns him on even more -- well not sure who he is doing it for so to speak but it works. :) Not sure i helped but good luck to you.
 
JFJ_sub said:
... what i have come to understand is the S/M we do do is because when i react the way i do to him when he does something, it is watching and feeling my reaction that turns him on even more. So not sure is it fair to say when he spanks me really hard, is he doing it for me? Or for him? If he's doing it because he knows i enjoy it and my reaction to it turns him on even more -- well not sure who he is doing it for so to speak but it works. :)

What you have described here is a classic case of positive feedback. He spanks you because he knows you like it; you like it and react in a positive manner; this turns him on, because he likes the reaction; he spanks you harder, which gets an even more positive reaction; ad infinitum. Positive feedback builds relationships. At this point, my advice would be to quit freakin' analyzing it and enjoy the hell out of it! :nana:
 
april2000 said:
...I don't WANT a man to "tie me up and beat" me just because it turns me on. I want him to do it becasue it turns HIM on. There is a difference, right? Am I crazy for wanting someone who wants to dominate me because it does something for HIM?
No, you're not crazy for wanting your partner to dominate you for HIS purposes.

april2000 said:
...I guess I feel that if he's just catering to my every desire, I'm the one running the show, right? Not really what I'm looking for.
Yes, you would be "running the show" if he's only doing it to please you.

april2000 said:
Now, just to find a man who wants it as much as I do. Sigh...
3) They are out there. If you're not in a relationship currently, check out area groups - educational and play - and start attending meetings, munches, etc. You'll find more baseball players at a baseball field than at a quilting bee; more fishermen near water than at an airport; and more Dominant men at activities designed/organized by and for D/s folks than at a tent revival. IMO, at least.
 
I understand COMPLETELY, I'm a Dom who's had this nasty trend of finding "subs" who only do it cus it turns me on....

Now I'll admit, since I'm the Dom, and i make it mostly about my needs anyway, not TOO much to complain about... or so I thought...

Then i met my current pyl, and I've realised how much difference the DESIRE to serve me compared to the willingness to serve me, can make. (gotta luv it when she'll actually beg to be-able to worship my cock :D ) but back on track. Now that I have her, i wouldn't trade one night with her for a year with any other sub who's jsut the "willing" side, not the desire side.

In short, you're not crazy, guys like me Do exist, and you just have to have patience (which I know is VERy hard to have when it comes to the world of sex lol) until you find Him
 
Interesting topic.

This has been an issue for me in the past. It can be extremely frustrating.
 
april2000 said:
I have zero experience with D/s, for reasons that I won't go into. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't intensely desire it. :) I've talked to a few friends about this....they're all men, and we're pretty open with the sex talk . It seems like the overwhelming consensous is "I'd do it if she was really interested. It would turn me on because it turns her on." Problem is, I don't WANT a man to "tie me up and beat" me just because it turns me on. I want him to do it becasue it turns HIM on. There is a difference, right? Am I crazy for wanting someone who wants to dominate me because it does something for HIM?

Oh no, you are not the least bit crazy and yes, there is a HUGE difference. I have a deep need to do what he wants because he wants it. In fact, some of our most satisfying experiences have been times when he pushed me to do something he knew I didn't want (not talking hard limits). Seeing how turned on he is by my obedience turns me on, which turns him on even more...with the end result being very satisfactory for both of us. ;) :devil:
 
april2000 said:
I have zero experience with D/s, for reasons that I won't go into. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't intensely desire it. :) I've talked to a few friends about this....they're all men, and we're pretty open with the sex talk . It seems like the overwhelming consensous is "I'd do it if she was really interested. It would turn me on because it turns her on." Problem is, I don't WANT a man to "tie me up and beat" me just because it turns me on. I want him to do it becasue it turns HIM on. There is a difference, right? Am I crazy for wanting someone who wants to dominate me because it does something for HIM?


Nope your not crazy at all April, I think being tied and beaten are basics of the life style so if that don't do something for your guy he is not really a Dom. . But don't discount a guy because he wants to find what makes you hot. Any dom worth a damn is going to take inventory of your likes dislikes before he goes to work.

And the really good ones will then start searching for those likes your embarrassed to talk about. There Is always some of those, and finding them is exciting as hell..

my point being ,to a Dom like myself,finding your limits and pushing them is the excitement.. not necessarily the act itself.
 
Stop thinking and fuck!!!!! My girl wanted to hear some things about my past so I shared some MM experiences with her. She exchanged some big cocks stories of her own. We both get really hot over these things. I hadn't considered sucking a man for 15 years but baby wants baby gets. And vice versa. She was opposed to cuckolding but I want to see her fucked well by a big boy and now she wants it too. Love what your partner does no matter the reason. Get outta your head and into the bed.
 
i'd love any kind of kink in the bedroom, but my current girlfriend is so straight down the line when it comes to that, that there is no point in even asking her (i don't think), it frustrates me endlessly as i'm totally into this girl (of 6 months) but it twists my stomache how much it frustrates me that she is so 'normal'..
 
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