what happens when you lose faith

[thisismysock]

***this is a sock. i am a regular poster that wants to keep my real name private.***

i have lost faith in my master. he has made a series of bad decisions lately. i do not trust his judgement anymore. i do not believe he is able to control me anymore.

what happens now? has anyone ever gone from being a slave to not being a slave & still staying with their master?

i do not want to lose him. i also do not want to be a slave to someone i do not trust. can you regroup from something like this?

 

[Essene]

***this is a sock. i am a regular poster that wants to keep my real name private.***

i have lost faith in my master. he has made a series of bad decisions lately. i do not trust his judgement anymore. i do not believe he is able to control me anymore.

what happens now? has anyone ever gone from being a slave to not being a slave & still staying with their master?

i do not want to lose him. i also do not want to be a slave to someone i do not trust. can you regroup from something like this?

What happened that made you lose trust? I'm sure under certain circumstances things can be resolved, but can you give a clearer picture of what is going on?

Ultimately I would think you'd need to speak with your M in order to find out what is salvageable and what is not.

Are you safe? Do you feel safe around him in that you think you could talk to him?

If you'd feel more comfortable talking over pm, feel free to ping me.

 

[thisismysock]

What happened that made you lose trust? I'm sure under certain circumstances things can be resolved, but can you give a clearer picture of what is going on?

Ultimately I would think you'd need to speak with your M in order to find out what is salvageable and what is not.

Are you safe? Do you feel safe around him in that you think you could talk to him?

alot of things happened. i do not want to say too much & give myself away.

i am safe with him. he has just dropped the ball so many times that i doubt him now it is nothing abusive. i could prob talk to him but i know it will hurt him. he will be hurt & blame himself.

what i want is to step back & start over from scracth. dunno if we can but i wondered if anybody else had ever done it before.

 

[Essene]

alot of things happened. i do not want to say too much & give myself away.

i am safe with him. he has just dropped the ball so many times that i doubt him now it is nothing abusive. i could prob talk to him but i know it will hurt him. he will be hurt & blame himself.

what i want is to step back & start over from scracth. dunno if we can but i wondered if anybody else had ever done it before.

I've known people who have survived something like this, I also know people who have not.

Ultimately you know your own heart, and if it's putting up a big red flag, I think you are right in wanting to take a step back.

You will need to broach this with him.

I'm checking my pms now.

 

[rida]

It all depends whether the value of the relationship for both of you is 100% tied up with the M/s dynamic or not, how serious the loss of faith in his ability to control you is, and why you do not trust him anymore.

Whatever is that happens, I think it is important for you to bring it in the open and talk it out with him. And depending on what's the reason why you do not trust him or his judgment anymore, you should not feel any guilt in cutting your M/s ties for the time being.

 

[YourCaptor]

You could be upfront about it. Tell him he is loosing your trust.

 

[fuckmeat]

You could be upfront about it. Tell him he is loosing your trust.

Yep.

You can do this without being too combative or judgemental if you're careful about how you say things. If you don't feel safe though, it has to be said. He must be aware in his own heart that things are less than great right now.

 

[WriterDom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=298nld4Yfds

 

[eastern sun]

I'm going to play my card and say that in our world, you don't get to decide to stop being a slave. Otherwise it's not slavery.

I've had my trust shaken more than a few times. Sometimes for very good reasons. People don't always do the right thing by each other. Since, for me, there is no way out of the relationship, I took it as a sign that I needed to do what I could to insure my own well-being.

We've had a number of frank and honest discussions about ways in which we both profoundly threaten each other. Sometimes he agrees with me about the issues I raise. Sometimes he doesn't.

When I've become shrewish in response to my fear and distrust, he tends to pull away - which actually gives us a chance to regroup. Sometimes what I need is a chance to step back from whatever edge he was pushing me too close to, in order to see the dangers more clearly.

But giving power to another person doesn't insure that they will use that power to suit you. Nor does it insure that they will be "good" at what they do.

Did you know your master well before entering into this relationship? Could you have predicted his shortcomings?

 

[JMohegan]

alot of things happened. i do not want to say too much & give myself away.

i am safe with him. he has just dropped the ball so many times that i doubt him now it is nothing abusive. i could prob talk to him but i know it will hurt him. he will be hurt & blame himself.

what i want is to step back & start over from scracth. dunno if we can but i wondered if anybody else had ever done it before.

There is no betrayal more significant than dishonesty. Even if it means he will be hurt, you owe him your candor.

In any case, trying to keep this to yourself will be pointless. There's just no way to hide this type of feeling over the long haul.

 

[IrisAlthea]

There is no betrayal more significant than dishonesty. Even if it means he will be hurt, you owe him your candor.

In any case, trying to keep this to yourself will be pointless. There's just no way to hide this type of feeling over the long haul.

QFT

What does he think about those bad decisions? He might perhaps even welcome more input from you before making major decisions.
Being the one who has the final call doesn´t mean you can´t listen a lot to others opinions before making that call.

 

[shamegirl]

I'm sure he'd rather know he was doing something wrong than continue to hurt you. Talk to him, yeah he'll be hurt at first but if he cares about you he'll look to fix it somehow. It might not end in him doing exactly what you want, but if you don't tell him you're in danger of resenting him for something he doesn't know he's doing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

has anyone ever gone from being a slave to not being a slave & still staying with their master?

i do not want to lose him. . .

If you go "from being a slave to not being a slave", and remain in a relationship with this person, you are NOT staying with your master. You might be staying with your boyfriend/husband/lover/primary significant other/vanilla FWB/whatever. But if you reject your slavery, he's not your master.

As others have said, you NEED to talk to him about this. And HE has to fish or cut bait. If you, as his property, have needs (not wants or desires, but actual NEEDS) that are not being addressed, they need to be brought up and discussed. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broke.

On the other hand, if he's just a chronic goof-off, a lazy ass, dropping the ball because he is majorly absent minded (ie forgets to pay bills on time), or just plain incompetent (making piss poor decisions on a regular basis and doing nothing to correct the decision making process to change the outcome is a REAL BIG indicator to me anyway), you might want to look long and hard at whether continuing this relationship is truly what YOU need.

People get so wrapped up in the idea of "THE ONE" <insert angelic choir singing "Aaaaahhhhhhh!" here> they forget to keep it real. Sometimes "The One" is just "The One right now". NOT "The One Forever and ever, amen."

Your dude needs to man up and take care of his property. Think of the difference between the guy who mows the grass and works in the yard at least 2 - 4 times a month, keeps the house in shape, etc. versus the guy who maybe mows the grass once a month or just a couple of times over the summer, who's yard is slap overrun with weeds and vines, hasn't painted the place in a decade...

They are both owners. But we all know who's doing a better, more responsible job of ownership.

Capisce?

 

[zarngash]

I'd want to find out why these things you perceive and judge as being not worthy of trust are going on in the first place.

Here is a conversation starter I like to use in many different situations (and I probably should use more):

I am confused when. . .
this happens
you say this and do that
when we plan this and then


It is non-judgmental conversation starter for both you and the listener. How many times have we all assumed one thing, only to go through a long tedious process of finding out something else was the cause, reason or whatever - and our judgment and assumptions are misplaced.

 

[eastern sun]

If you go "from being a slave to not being a slave", and remain in a relationship with this person, you are NOT staying with your master. You might be staying with your boyfriend/husband/lover/primary significant other/vanilla FWB/whatever. But if you reject your slavery, he's not your master.

As others have said, you NEED to talk to him about this. And HE has to fish or cut bait. If you, as his property, have needs (not wants or desires, but actual NEEDS) that are not being addressed, they need to be brought up and discussed. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broke.

On the other hand, if he's just a chronic goof-off, a lazy ass, dropping the ball because he is majorly absent minded (ie forgets to pay bills on time), or just plain incompetent (making piss poor decisions on a regular basis and doing nothing to correct the decision making process to change the outcome is a REAL BIG indicator to me anyway), you might want to look long and hard at whether continuing this relationship is truly what YOU need.

People get so wrapped up in the idea of "THE ONE" <insert angelic choir singing "Aaaaahhhhhhh!" here> they forget to keep it real. Sometimes "The One" is just "The One right now". NOT "The One Forever and ever, amen."

Your dude needs to man up and take care of his property. Think of the difference between the guy who mows the grass and works in the yard at least 2 - 4 times a month, keeps the house in shape, etc. versus the guy who maybe mows the grass once a month or just a couple of times over the summer, who's yard is slap overrun with weeds and vines, hasn't painted the place in a decade...

They are both owners. But we all know who's doing a better, more responsible job of ownership.

Capisce?

Solid advice. And it's still within the master's right to give responsibility for the upkeep of his property to someone else (which could even be the slave him/herself), especially in those areas where the master recognizes his/her own limitations.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

You owe it to him to tell him your concerns. Not telling him is indulging your fears; it's disrespectful to him and to the relationship.

 

[Netzach]

What is the duration of this relationship?

 

[FungiUg]

There is no betrayal more significant than dishonesty. Even if it means he will be hurt, you owe him your candor.

Wot 'e sed.

Relationships require communication to work, no matter the type of relationship. No one is a mind reader, the only way you're going to be able to deal with an issue that effects you both is by talking about it.

 

[C Stephen]

***this is a sock. i am a regular poster that wants to keep my real name private.***

i have lost faith in my master. he has made a series of bad decisions lately. i do not trust his judgement anymore. i do not believe he is able to control me anymore.

what happens now? has anyone ever gone from being a slave to not being a slave & still staying with their master?

i do not want to lose him. i also do not want to be a slave to someone i do not trust. can you regroup from something like this?

For some reason you are not getting what you want or need. Chances are that your Master is not either. The best thing that you can do is to have a calm respectful discussion with your Master that is honest about your concerns and wants. Chances are that he knows something isn't working for you but not what or why. The series of "bad decisions"could well be uninformed attempts to please you that are shaking your trust in him.
Feeling that someone else would know what you need if they just care enough is selfish and abusive as well as ensuring that things will end badly for both of you.
If you can have an open honest exchnge you may be amazed by what both of you learn about each other. Remember that the best lifestyle for the two of you is what works for both of you no mater what that may be. Let what is most importan to you be your guide.

 

[thisismysock]

I'm going to play my card and say that in our world, you don't get to decide to stop being a slave. Otherwise it's not slavery.

I've had my trust shaken more than a few times. Sometimes for very good reasons. People don't always do the right thing by each other. Since, for me, there is no way out of the relationship, I took it as a sign that I needed to do what I could to insure my own well-being.

We've had a number of frank and honest discussions about ways in which we both profoundly threaten each other. Sometimes he agrees with me about the issues I raise. Sometimes he doesn't.

When I've become shrewish in response to my fear and distrust, he tends to pull away - which actually gives us a chance to regroup. Sometimes what I need is a chance to step back from whatever edge he was pushing me too close to, in order to see the dangers more clearly.

But giving power to another person doesn't insure that they will use that power to suit you. Nor does it insure that they will be "good" at what they do.

Did you know your master well before entering into this relationship? Could you have predicted his shortcomings?

you and evil geoff are right. by stepping away from the relationship i will no longer be a slave. i understand that. just forgot to say so in my original post.

i knew him well and did not see this coming.

If you go "from being a slave to not being a slave", and remain in a relationship with this person, you are NOT staying with your master. You might be staying with your boyfriend/husband/lover/primary significant other/vanilla FWB/whatever. But if you reject your slavery, he's not your master.

As others have said, you NEED to talk to him about this. And HE has to fish or cut bait. If you, as his property, have needs (not wants or desires, but actual NEEDS) that are not being addressed, they need to be brought up and discussed. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broke.

On the other hand, if he's just a chronic goof-off, a lazy ass, dropping the ball because he is majorly absent minded (ie forgets to pay bills on time), or just plain incompetent (making piss poor decisions on a regular basis and doing nothing to correct the decision making process to change the outcome is a REAL BIG indicator to me anyway), you might want to look long and hard at whether continuing this relationship is truly what YOU need.

People get so wrapped up in the idea of "THE ONE" <insert angelic choir singing "Aaaaahhhhhhh!" here> they forget to keep it real. Sometimes "The One" is just "The One right now". NOT "The One Forever and ever, amen."

Your dude needs to man up and take care of his property. Think of the difference between the guy who mows the grass and works in the yard at least 2 - 4 times a month, keeps the house in shape, etc. versus the guy who maybe mows the grass once a month or just a couple of times over the summer, who's yard is slap overrun with weeds and vines, hasn't painted the place in a decade...

They are both owners. But we all know who's doing a better, more responsible job of ownership.

Capisce?

yes. thank you. i would call him lazy instead of incompetent. or maybe it is actually neither but it feels that way now.

What is the duration of this relationship?

several years.

For some reason you are not getting what you want or need. Chances are that your Master is not either. The best thing that you can do is to have a calm respectful discussion with your Master that is honest about your concerns and wants. Chances are that he knows something isn't working for you but not what or why. The series of "bad decisions"could well be uninformed attempts to please you that are shaking your trust in him.
Feeling that someone else would know what you need if they just care enough is selfish and abusive as well as ensuring that things will end badly for both of you.
If you can have an open honest exchnge you may be amazed by what both of you learn about each other. Remember that the best lifestyle for the two of you is what works for both of you no mater what that may be. Let what is most importan to you be your guide.

this is more serious than a slave being angry she is not getting her way. i just do not want to splash it all over the board.

thank you everyone. i hope i have answered some of your ?s.

 

[JMohegan]

The problem with an unkempt yard and house is that it has a negative impact on the neighbors. Eyesore, reduced property values, etc.

But property kept for the owner's personal use, out of sight and with no bearing on the welfare of others, is the owner's business. Period. I'm not gonna start clucking at some guy who doesn't cater to the maintenance needs of his car or furnace or whatever. Because, you know, it's his property. His choice. His business.

 

[rosco rathbone]

The problem with an unkempt yard and house is that it has a negative impact on the neighbors. Eyesore, reduced property values, etc.

But property kept for the owner's personal use, out of sight and with no bearing on the welfare of others, is the owner's business. Period. I'm not gonna start clucking at some guy who doesn't cater to the maintenance needs of his car or furnace or whatever. Because, you know, it's his property. His choice. His business.

I didn't read the rest of the thread, but I like the idea of this.

"I saw your female at the store again in sweats with no makeup. You trying to bring down values around here?"

 

[JMohegan]

I didn't read the rest of the thread, but I like the idea of this.

"I saw your female at the store again in sweats with no makeup. You trying to bring down values around here?"

Yeah, this is off topic. But funny! Mostly because it reminds me of a guy I used to know, who would routinely say shit like this to one of our mutual friends. "Dude, you can NOT bring that chick when we go out as a group. I've got a rep to protect, what the fuck!!!"

 

[Evil_Geoff]

The problem with an unkempt yard and house is that it has a negative impact on the neighbors. Eyesore, reduced property values, etc.

But property kept for the owner's personal use, out of sight and with no bearing on the welfare of others, is the owner's business. Period. I'm not gonna start clucking at some guy who doesn't cater to the maintenance needs of his car or furnace or whatever. Because, you know, it's his property. His choice. His business.

I'm not "clucking" about how he cares for it. You are right, it IS his business. But when the car starts making funny noises and I tell him "Hey, dude, sounds like your right front wheel bearing is going out. You need to get that looked at." and 3 months later the car breaks down and stops working because he's a lazy, cheap bastard adn does nothing, I'm not going to go out of my way to help him either.

In this case however, our sock doesn't have to put up with the non-maintenance. I don't know what their agreement at the time Ownership was established but if said Owner is in violation of the agreement, with multiple opportunities to return to compliance with the agreement, said agreement could be terminated by the property. sock can either kick Owner to the curb, or voluntarily vacate the premises or negotiate a new agreement to get the maintenance done elsewhere and re-define the relationship.

Our sock has options the yard and car don't have.

Just sayin'...

 

[rosco rathbone]

Yeah, this is off topic. But funny! Mostly because it reminds me of a guy I used to know, who would routinely say shit like this to one of our mutual friends. "Dude, you can NOT bring that chick when we go out as a group. I've got a rep to protect, what the fuck!!!"

Kind of a tangent, but did you ever see "In The Company Of Men"?