what happens in unusual circumstancess

[Kirabeth]

how do you define limits , what are some limits that you face in your relationships and what happens if something comes up that has not been discussed or agreed upon as a limit between Dom and sub how do you handle it?
and what are the rights of the sub in a case like that


What is the right way to handle a situation where something comes up that is outside of the scope and boundaries and limits originally agreed to by a dominant and his/her submissive?


I think I may have just asked the same question twice here but I think you can see what I am trying to ask.

Thank you kira.

 

[Lancecastor]

I think...

....the SSC sticky is a good start at the top of the board.

And there's lots in my favorite book on the subject in terms of balance, limits, communication, practises, etc... "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren, Ph.D.


Cheers;
Lance

 

[Verypowerful]

In my book, communication and honesty is everything. If you build the relationship on that then you also have the tools to handle unexpected situations.

VP

 

[BlackWolfe]

For me, limits are pretty situational. My limits are defined as the point at which I say "NO. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL, NO. IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER, I WILL BREAK YOUR ARM."

This is why I'm not a submissive, much as Kestral would try to convince me otherwise. (She stopped trying quite some time ago, but I make it a point never to let her forget she ever tried.)

Limits can and do change, however. That is why we have a differentiation between "hard" and "soft" limits.

My soft limits tend to turn into hard limits in a BIG damn hurry.

Of course, limits apply to everything, not just the lifestyle. I have work related limits, social limits, very few conversational limits (only one of which is a hard limit)...

Oh, we need a sociatal standard for conversational limits. Imagine being at a social gathering with a bunch of vanilla people and being able to safeword a conversation away from a particular topic! "TMI" doesn't seem to work all that often...

 

[Shadowsdream]

Been there done that

Having a long term live in relationship with clear hard limits can often put both parties into a too comfortable position as far as to where emotional safety is concerned.

When limits are discussed it is to simple to expect the answers to cover the norm and not to seek deep into the mind for the unexpected triggers that can have a safe word pouring out of the lips as the tears run down the cheeks in humiliation and dispair.

I found Myself in this position when a Domme friend was visiting. She had known My slave longer than I had and had even had a short relationship with him at one time and also been left in charge of him and the key to the chastity belt while I spent a month in Canada.

She came for this visit with a little humiliation play in mind..props and all. Simple silly little entertainment but it involved one of his passions. Music. he was instructed to perform as a singer that he did not have artistic respect for. A very big singer. he wanted badly to make Me proud. he stood awkwardly in the middle of the room with the offending CD playing in the background and without warning dropped to his knees in tears and gasping out the safeword. All three of us were stunned!

I took his head onto My knee and told him I was proud of him for having the courage to safeword. I told him that I did not understand what had caused him to use it but that he was safe and the play would end. I let him cry as I stroked his hair and held him with My other firm hand. One soft for comforting one firm for safety. This was not the time for a deep conversation on the whys. That needed to be done in privacy.

I did not make him even more uncomfortable by discussing the issue with the other Dominant but resumed a casual conversation with Her.

When we were alone he began to cry again. apologizing for embarrassing Me in front of My friend. his biggest concern was My embarrassment ( which there was none) My biggest concern was his emotional well being ( which was in jeopardy) My biggest pain was his pain and not understanding where it had come from. When he explained that it was his intellectual and artistic integrity that had caused the safe word I understood. I could then deal with it in a manner that could comfort him. I now know not to ask anything of him that involves his artistic soul unless I have spoken with him indepth prior to the scene.

My point is it can and will happen unexpectedly. It can be avoided to a certain degree by asking the unexpected hard limit question about what humiliation would send you over the edge. I have received the most unexpected answers here and have found this one question to be the most valuable on My list of questions.

 

[Kirabeth]

Thank you all for your replies and input.


Shadow again you have come through for me and gave me something to think about.

thanks kira

 

[Shadowsdream]

kira


It will always be as simple as asking the question of Me if My input can give you food for thought.

 

[BlackWolfe]

WTG Shadow!

Very concise, very clear, and very informative!

A good example, there Shadow, and a point I intended to make, but somehow forgot:

That's one of the reasons we have safewords. Except in punishment, the safeword is sacrosanct. Inviolable. If someone safewords, they'd better mean it, and it had better be respected.

I commend you on recognizing that -- I know, I know, you're probably looking at me funny, saying "what the hell ELSE was I supposed to do?" -- and acting on it immediately.

I know that answered your question, kira, and I'm kicking myself for not having mentioned it first. Stupid, stupid competetive streak...

 

[Kirabeth]

BlackWolfe,

Thank you fo rall your replies they did help in someway so don't go kicking yourself come mere let me do it (joking)

Thank you all for your help
kira

 

[catalina_francisco]

Good bump I think though energy denies me the way to formulate a response right now that would do the topic justice.

Catalina

 

[wicked woman]

Thanks Catalina, I agree a great bump....great question and I particularly learned from Shadowsdream's response.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

how do you define limits , what are some limits that you face in your relationships and what happens if something comes up that has not been discussed or agreed upon as a limit between Dom and sub how do you handle it?
and what are the rights of the sub in a case like that


What is the right way to handle a situation where something comes up that is outside of the scope and boundaries and limits originally agreed to by a dominant and his/her submissive?


I think I may have just asked the same question twice here but I think you can see what I am trying to ask.

Thank you kira.

i use two definitions for my limits, one would be comfort limit, and the other would be hard limit.

now my comfort limits coincide with my two Domme's for the moment, so if something came up outside of what we agreed upon, we'd all pause, and talk it over, They would reassure themselves that i was ok with what was happening, and during after care W/we would talk it over and say what worked and what didn't work for any of U/us


Hard limits...these are the limits i'd never cross, and if pushed to do so, would walk away from the relationship. Again my hard limits match both of my Domme's and this should never be an issue for U/us.


Now for your question about a submissive's rights....you have the right to stop any and all play you feel uncomfortable with, and any Dom/me should respect your decision.

imho the right way to handle a situation that comes up that you're unprepared for is to simply pause the scene and talk it over with your Dom.

It's been stated many times, by many different people here that good communication is mandatory in any type of relationship, but in a D/s, or BDSM relationship, it's top priority, along with trust, and i'd like to add my vote to those who preach good communication.