What happens in an online D/s relationship?

[sb2009]

it's probably been answered a million times, so someone could just direct me to a thread from the past, that would be fine as well.

I'm totally curious...how does it work? How does it fit into both persons everyday lives...for example: if the dom expects something but the sub is at work or feeding her family or something...does that count as not complying?

It seems from reading some posts on here that it's not really about cybersex in a chat room, right? There seems to be deeper elements to it.

I ask a million questions, I know!

 

[Primalex]

it's probably been answered a million times, so someone could just direct me to a thread from the past, that would be fine as well.

I'm totally curious...how does it work?

Yes.




















Seriously, you can't decribe "online relationships" like tables - "has four legs and a slab". The common thing about online relationships is that they are online. The rest is up to the persons involved and more or less negotiated.

Whether it counts as not complying or not is determined by the dom obviously. Whether it's about more than cybersex in a chat room is determined by both parties. As you see, it takes for a(ny) relationship two persons who have the same basic thoughts about how it should work.

 

[ecstaticsub]

On-line relationships are as varied as those where the people are together in person. I don't use the term IRL --in real life--because for most of us who have mostly O/L or LDRs it is REAL life.

That is most..not all. There is some whose relationships are roleplays with or without cybersex. When they close the lid to their laptop any commitment is done for the day. There is nothing wrong or trivial about those relationships, they can be just as emotional as any other.

There has been a bit of discussion here and else where that on-line relationships aren't real, aren't as hard, aren't as emotional, aren't as honest as those in person. I say bullshit to that.

On-line and in person relationships are different. I will never say that they are the same. They each have there unique challenges. In my opinion a person has to be wired a certain way to really "get" online relationships. It's the same way I don't "get" some BDSM practices.

I can only speak of my own. Mine is mostly telephone. We add in on-line so we can turn on the cam. Not purely for sexual reasons but to see each others facial expressions. Though I admit seeing him makes me miss him even more.

Our relationship is a relationship first, just like any off-line in person relationship. Everyone has other responsibilities--kids, work, parents, house, yard, friends etc etc. I can only assume that my PYL is as understanding and realistic as any PYL in a in-person relationship.

I consider myself in a 24/7 relationship even though we live 300+ miles away from each other. He has certain expectations and requirements for my behavior 24 hours a day no matter where I am. Submission for me is a state of mind. My obedience to his wishes in all that I do is the basis of my submission.

Some will say that I could just lie about what I do and he would never know, that there is no accountability in LDRs or on-line. I have never lied to him. I have not been perfect, but I always confess and am honest with him. Why would I do otherwise? No one is forcing me to be a submissive. Why would I chose to be a submissive if I was just going to lie, mislead or pretend, or not submit?

I don't do self inflicted physical pain. There is no point in it for either me or him. Some people do.

To answer your specific question If my PYL wants to talk to me at 2am he has every right to call me then. If he calls I will answer and do as he wishes. But, like I said he is realistic. He knows I have to work and respects my need for sleep. Just as a PYL in a in-person relationship would be mindful of children in the house, so is my PYL.

Mine is a power exchange relationship between two people who have become the very best of friends and who share the same kinky sexual imagination who also are fortunate enough to get together once in a while for awesome adventous sex.

I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.

 

[sb2009]

I realize I asked a really broad question, thanks so much for taking the time to explain, probably for the 1000th time this year, I do appreciate it!

as far as not being "real" I have online friends that are more supportive and give me more fulfillment than those I can rouch out and physically touch. Mabye because we move every couple of years, mabye because I'm an introvert and writing is easier for me than talking, who knows.

 

[jenniferbaby]

On-line relationships are as varied as those where the people are together in person. I don't use the term IRL --in real life--because for most of us who have mostly O/L or LDRs it is REAL life.

<snip>

There has been a bit of discussion here and else where that on-line relationships aren't real, aren't as hard, aren't as emotional, aren't as honest as those in person. I say bullshit to that.

I agree with this completely. A relationship is a relationship, with its set of challenges, rewards, joys, and sorrows, regardless of the distance between the people. Many of my online relationships have felt more "real" than ones I've experienced offline.

I consider myself in a 24/7 relationship even though we live 300+ miles away from each other. He has certain expectations and requirements for my behavior 24 hours a day no matter where I am. Submission for me is a state of mind. My obedience to his wishes in all that I do is the basis of my submission.

Some will say that I could just lie about what I do and he would never know, that there is no accountability in LDRs or on-line. I have never lied to him. I have not been perfect, but I always confess and am honest with him. Why would I do otherwise? No one is forcing me to be a submissive. Why would I chose to be a submissive if I was just going to lie, mislead or pretend, or not submit?

I agree with this as well. When I first started talking to a Dom online and he started giving me assignments, I realized that I could do whatever I wanted and he would never know I wasn't doing what he said. We even talked about it. And at some point I realized that I wanted to listen, I wanted to obey, I wanted to be submissive. That state of mind isn't dependent on an online or an offline format, but rather the dynamic between the two people.

 

[CurlyKat]

On-line relationships are as varied as those where the people are together in person. I don't use the term IRL --in real life--because for most of us who have mostly O/L or LDRs it is REAL life.

That is most..not all. There is some whose relationships are roleplays with or without cybersex. When they close the lid to their laptop any commitment is done for the day. There is nothing wrong or trivial about those relationships, they can be just as emotional as any other.

There has been a bit of discussion here and else where that on-line relationships aren't real, aren't as hard, aren't as emotional, aren't as honest as those in person. I say bullshit to that.

On-line and in person relationships are different. I will never say that they are the same. They each have there unique challenges. In my opinion a person has to be wired a certain way to really "get" online relationships. It's the same way I don't "get" some BDSM practices.

I can only speak of my own. Mine is mostly telephone. We add in on-line so we can turn on the cam. Not purely for sexual reasons but to see each others facial expressions. Though I admit seeing him makes me miss him even more.

Our relationship is a relationship first, just like any off-line in person relationship. Everyone has other responsibilities--kids, work, parents, house, yard, friends etc etc. I can only assume that my PYL is as understanding and realistic as any PYL in a in-person relationship.

I consider myself in a 24/7 relationship even though we live 300+ miles away from each other. He has certain expectations and requirements for my behavior 24 hours a day no matter where I am. Submission for me is a state of mind. My obedience to his wishes in all that I do is the basis of my submission.

Some will say that I could just lie about what I do and he would never know, that there is no accountability in LDRs or on-line. I have never lied to him. I have not been perfect, but I always confess and am honest with him. Why would I do otherwise? No one is forcing me to be a submissive. Why would I chose to be a submissive if I was just going to lie, mislead or pretend, or not submit?

I don't do self inflicted physical pain. There is no point in it for either me or him. Some people do.

To answer your specific question If my PYL wants to talk to me at 2am he has every right to call me then. If he calls I will answer and do as he wishes. But, like I said he is realistic. He knows I have to work and respects my need for sleep. Just as a PYL in a in-person relationship would be mindful of children in the house, so is my PYL.

Mine is a power exchange relationship between two people who have become the very best of friends and who share the same kinky sexual imagination who also are fortunate enough to get together once in a while for awesome adventous sex.

I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.

Most awesome post ever! I'll come back tomorrow, after a little sleep, to post more.

 

[neci]

i probably never would have opened this thread, but He sent me a message asking me to take a look, and i am glad that i did. i love what i have read so far, and had to sleep on this as well, before getting ready to post.
When i first came back to Lit, it was mainly to blow off pent up sexual energy that had been accumulating in my life. i have always been drawn to the submissive side of my sexuality, and did not realize how deep the thread ran. When i first met Him, there was a connection from the beginning. i was not ready for any type of commitment, but continued to be drawn back to Him. It took a while for me to realize that the connection we had been forming was deeper than "online." It is a personal intimate connection, formed over a period of time that has it's own breath of life. Through communication, play, laughter, serious thought and patience, i find myself today in a relationship with a person who is more than just a Dom. Through the course of our communication online, i have come to discover that i have to intentionally push myself beyond my comfort level in communicating with Him at times. Miscommunication of expectations is very easy when you are not with that person. So much of communication is nonverbal, and that is the hard part of not being close. i have to let him know where i am at emotionally, physically and spiritually, in order for our relationship to work.

As far as tasks and assignments, i found that i have to take the initiative in getting to know His likes and dislikes just as much as He does mine. When we first started becoming involved, i sent him a BDSM check list, so i would have a better idea of how i could please Him, and also to get to know more about his sexual drive. In return, i sent him one that i filled out. Creativity is vital to our relationship. We send each other ideas of what we would like to do when we talk, and then he (with my input and thoughts) decides where to go with that. He gets me on a level that few have, and as a result, this works well for us. i let him know how my day has gone, and He has made changes to be considerate of where i am at. Sometimes i don't quite understand why, and after our communication, i give him feedback, if i need to. Not so i can sound bratty, but because if this is going to work in the long run, i don't want to leave things unsaid. i am still very new to the world of BDSM, and i hope that i will continue to learn more with Him. Life is a journey. Sharing that journey with someone you connect with on a soulful level is a gift. Just like any other relationship, it requires nourishment, communication, trust, understanding and passion. Thank you for the topic.