What does this mean?

[SusanWetnWild]

I am 18 and a half year old girl from San Francisco. I shifted out with my current bf, who is 21, 2 months ago.

Yesterday he just casually asked me if I would like to be a Sub and he my Dom. I did not know the exact or even vague meaning of these words and immediately said "why not". Later I did som google search and thought that it involved much more than I thought.

In a real relationship, what would Sub and Dom mean in practical terms? Should I change my decision?

 

[h_i_s]

The meaning can be quite varied from one person to the other and/or from one relationship to the other. You should ask him what each means to HIM.

You could browse through many of the threads here, as well as do some reading in the LIBRARY here as well, to develope some understanding of what each may mean for many who are dominant or submissive.

i'd also agree though, that Google is a good place to start in researching and defining what they each mean to YOU.

 

[CutieMouse]

I am 18 and a half year old girl from San Francisco. I shifted out with my current bf, who is 21, 2 months ago.

Yesterday he just casually asked me if I would like to be a Sub and he my Dom. I did not know the exact or even vague meaning of these words and immediately said "why not". Later I did som google search and thought that it involved much more than I thought.

In a real relationship, what would Sub and Dom mean in practical terms? Should I change my decision?

Not to sound trite, but it means what it means for YOUR relationship.

Does he want "kinky" sex and that is as far as the control goes?

Does he want the ability to mircomanage your life?

Have ya'll actually discussed what BDSM/SM means to each of youa dn if there is an equal interest and desire?

 

[DVS]

Exactly! Both of these replies are very correct. Being a sub and Dom couple is very different, depending on what you want it to be.

There is no set way it must be, so you need to read up on some of the lingo, the terms and the possible ways it can go, then talk it over with your boyfriend with a little more knowledge.

A conversation takes two people, and they both should be aware of what they are talking about for the conversation to work. You/ve already found that out, the hard way by agreeing to something you knew nothing about.

Now, learn about being a sub, and what it can mean. Decide what you want it to mean to you, and then go tell your boyfirend what it will mean to him. Keep in mind, you are in charge. What you say goes, no matter what he says.

If he wants you to do something you don't like, tell him no. It sounds like you are both pretty new to this so make sure you educate yourself on this before you go too far. Once you know about what's possible, it can be a lot of fun, and you both can learn more, together.

But, I can't say it any clearer...you are in charge. I know it sounds strange, if you are the submissive the Dom should be in charge. But, you are allowing him to be in charge. Be your own person. Don't let him push you around, unless you enjoy it. Check out SS&C. Remember it and be sure your boyfirend is aware of it, too.

Have fun learning all about this lifestyle. Experimentation is fun.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

The meaning can be quite varied from one person to the other and/or from one relationship to the other. You should ask him what each means to HIM.

You could browse through many of the threads here, as well as do some reading in the LIBRARY here as well, to develope some understanding of what each may mean for many who are dominant or submissive.

i'd also agree though, that Google is a good place to start in researching and defining what they each mean to YOU.

Thank you so much. I did some more reading on Google, and lets see how things pan out.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Not to sound trite, but it means what it means for YOUR relationship.

Does he want "kinky" sex and that is as far as the control goes?

Does he want the ability to mircomanage your life?

Have ya'll actually discussed what BDSM/SM means to each of youa dn if there is an equal interest and desire?

I will need to talk to him on these points. I really would not want anyone micromanaging my life. He just mentioned it and I, just not wanting to show my ignorance said " why not". What he actually has in mind, I dont know. Lets see how things move hereon.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Exactly! Both of these replies are very correct. Being a sub and Dom couple is very different, depending on what you want it to be.

There is no set way it must be, so you need to read up on some of the lingo, the terms and the possible ways it can go, then talk it over with your boyfriend with a little more knowledge.

A conversation takes two people, and they both should be aware of what they are talking about for the conversation to work. You/ve already found that out, the hard way by agreeing to something you knew nothing about.

Now, learn about being a sub, and what it can mean. Decide what you want it to mean to you, and then go tell your boyfirend what it will mean to him. Keep in mind, you are in charge. What you say goes, no matter what he says.

If he wants you to do something you don't like, tell him no. It sounds like you are both pretty new to this so make sure you educate yourself on this before you go too far. Once you know about what's possible, it can be a lot of fun, and you both can learn more, together.

But, I can't say it any clearer...you are in charge. I know it sounds strange, if you are the submissive the Dom should be in charge. But, you are allowing him to be in charge. Be your own person. Don't let him push you around, unless you enjoy it. Check out SS&C. Remember it and be sure your boyfirend is aware of it, too.

Have fun learning all about this lifestyle. Experimentation is fun.

Thanks for your elaborate reply. I will talk to him as to what he has in mind. Can one adopt this lifestyle on a periodic basis, say one day a week, or something like that. I figured that something like that may be interesting. On a permanenet basis, I would not know at this point in time. Anyways, thanks so much for the work you put in.

Shall keep all of you posted of any further developments.

 

[RJMasters]

The casualness in the way in which he brought this up would give me a moments pause.

Chances are even with the little research you have done, you might be surprise to find you may even know more than him.

One does not simply suggest begining a Dom/Submissive relationship like one would take up golf.

Please learn all you can and be in a position where you can see where you two are going. One of you should be looking before you leap causually into a possible life changing decision.

Good luck

 

[Party Girl]

Ah ... go read some of the Lit stories about D/s ... it might give you a better idea. Make sure you are completely comfortable with that if you're going to say yes. It is a BAD thing to suddenly realize you're not cool with something right in the middle ...

 

[SusanWetnWild]

Ah ... go read some of the Lit stories about D/s ... it might give you a better idea. Make sure you are completely comfortable with that if you're going to say yes. It is a BAD thing to suddenly realize you're not cool with something right in the middle ...

You are so very right. I in fact read some stories in the BDSM section of Lit. I would try to learn more and then talk to him. Even I wouldnt wanna get into something and then realise that I made a mistake. Thanks so much for your suggestions.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

The casualness in the way in which he brought this up would give me a moments pause.

Chances are even with the little research you have done, you might be surprise to find you may even know more than him.

One does not simply suggest begining a Dom/Submissive relationship like one would take up golf.

Please learn all you can and be in a position where you can see where you two are going. One of you should be looking before you leap causually into a possible life changing decision.

Good luck

Absolutely true. I never thought of it seriously, but now I realise that it can indeed be a life changing decision. I shall definitely be considering everything and only then deciding. I think I also need to ask him as to what exactly he has in mind. From what I could gather, it can be a very strict relationship, or a very very loose one. I wonder if it could be a part time one too, like may be 4 days in a month kind of a thing. Anyways, I shall keep you posted of any fresh developments.

 

[SusanWetnWild]

I was also wondering if at 18 1/2 I was too young for that kind of a relationship. Just wondering.

 

[chris9]

I don't see why it shouldn't be possible to be only part-time D/s. It actually sounds sensible for a couple that young. That way you can both figure out if this is the relationship you want, or if you are more happy with a vanilla one you lead the other days.
If you are too young depends on various things. How fast you're taking this. How responsible you are. How much self-confidence you have. If you have learned to overcome embarrassment when talking about sex.
You should work on your communication though. (Can't be said often enough) Like if you don't know what something is, don't agree but inquire. If you want the other to do something, don't only ask but explain.

 

[His_pita]

I was also wondering if at 18 1/2 I was too young for that kind of a relationship. Just wondering.

Yes I think you might be too young. I know for me I wouldn't have been ready for this lifestyle at your age. You have so much still to learn and explore about yourself. Which isn't to say you wouldn't love being a submissive. Like everyone said do a lot of reading on your own and talk to your boyfriend and get him to do some reading too.

If he is just wanting to have some kinky sex then you two just need to decide what you want to do, be safe and have fun. If you are looking for more where power exchange is involved then I think you better find out if you really are a submissive.

This is my favorite site. I would suggest reading the articles under Dominate and Submissive first. http://www.submissiveloving.com/index.html

 

[mrmadman]

The play's the thing

susan, it CAN be all heavy and lifestyley and serious and stuff.... but it doesn't HAVE to be. If you guys are close and care for each other, and know how to have fun, there's nothing wrong with dipping a toe in the waters, just easing in and seeing what develops. That was what I liked most about the bible of beginners' BDSM, "Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns." (Which you guys should get ASAP and read together, or to each other.) Aside from being informative and explaining the concepts, it was lighthearted and fun.

When people take themselves or their cause too seriously, I head for the exits. If it can't be fun, it's not right. Doesn't mean grin like an idiot all the time, I just don't want to feel like I'm in church when I'm fucking. Or playing by some earnest rulebook of How it Should be Done. That's what "work" is for.

It's a blank canvas. Try watercolor, charcoal, fingerpaint, oils.... no, wait... it's an improv theatre exercise. Try being "slavegirl" and get into the role, see if you like it. Turn the tables one day and get a glimpse of the view from the top. Sometimes when you don't expect it, you get that tingle that says, WOW, this is something good! Play.

Just one madman's opinion here too, but no numerical age is "too young" -- within the law of course. 18-1/2 can be perfect, or 30 can be not ready, for whatever it is. Go with your feeling and your instincts and your heart.

I wish I'd had a clue at 18-1/2; would have saved me a lot of wasted time and confusion. Hey, it's just another thing to try, another course at the banquet. You're at a great age to experiment with whatever you feel curious about. It's not like you're risking your life or health. Worst that could happen is, what, you might find something you don't like. At least you tried it.

So: Bon appetit! Bon voyage! Revel loud and long. Try and send us a postcard, OK? You got a little fan club here, rooting for ya.

 

[mrmadman]

language help anyone?

Susan said "shifted out," and DVS said "SS&C," and I'm all like, what's that mean?

Gotta get out more...

 

[DVS]

Everbody here is giving you very good advice. And, this is a good place to come ask questions. You can learn a lot here. This is a realtime classroom.

If you don't think you can do it full time, that's OK. I know many people who don't do it 24/7. With a lot of people, it's just kinky sex and nothing more. The rest of their life has nothing to do with BDSM. But, with a lot of people it is 24/7 and a major part of their life.

There are no set rules that you have to stick to. You can mold this to be what you want it to be. You might start off with Saturday nights or Sunday afternoons for a while. It could stay that way or it could get to be something you like so much, you make it your 24/7 life changing choice.

It is also possible you could find you enjoy being the dominant and your boyfriend would enjoy being the submissive. Or, either of you or both of you could be a switch. There is so much about this that I don't think either of you really know enough about, right now.

And, if you find out that you don't want to do this, and your boyfriend still does, don't think you are abnormal or that he is. There are a lot of couples with only one partner wanting this sort of thing. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. If it turns out he wants it but you don't, be sure you tell him. But, if you don't mind giving him a little of this kinky stuff every once in a while, that might be all he wants, too.

Read, and make him read, too. Understand what is possible and what of it you want to be a part of. Start off slow and experiment. If you find you don't like something at first, put it aside to try again later. After a while, you might change your mind about it.

Oh, and just so you know, this is NOT the same as Goth. Goth is putting on a personality and wearing it, because it's "in" or stylish among a group of friends. It is just a trend. I don't think there are that many people in their 50s that are into Goth. There is nothing wronge with Goth, and it has come to include a few aspects of BDSM style dress and mannerisms. But, that's all.

And let us know how things are going. It's always interesting to hear how people feel about this when they are just learning and finding out about it. Truly, it's not for everybody. BDSM can be a life changing choice. Just don't think you must make that choice all at once.

 

[CutieMouse]

... He just mentioned it and I, just not wanting to show my ignorance said " why not"....

I'm going to take a second to give some advice [unasked]. Work on this. The part of you that doesn't want to appear ignorant so you nod and smile and agree without having any idea what you are nodding on about. Ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who looks down upon or laughs at you due to your honest ignorance of a subject is the one showing the mind of an idiot. Anyone who gives a damn about you as a human being and the potential you have in Life will graciously discuss whatever it is they know and you don't. Personally, I believe in distancing myself from people who would rather hold me back (focus on my lack of knowledge rather than assist my education in Life). Life is too short to feel bad about what I don't know instead of feeing great about what knowledge lies ahead.

You will be amazed what wonderful things you can learn from an honest acceptance of your lack of knowledge in any area of Life. It isn't anything to be ashamed of; it is, however, the first step one must take to truly learn.

 

[h_i_s]

I'm going to take a second to give some advice [unasked]. Work on this. The part of you that doesn't want to appear ignorant so you nod and smile and agree without having any idea what you are nodding on about. Ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who looks down upon or laughs at you due to your honest ignorance of a subject is the one showing the mind of an idiot. Anyone who gives a damn about you as a human being and the potential you have in Life will graciously discuss whatever it is they know and you don't. Personally, I believe in distancing myself from people who would rather hold me back (focus on my lack of knowledge rather than assist my education in Life). Life is too short to feel bad about what I don't know instead of feeing great about what knowledge lies ahead.

You will be amazed what wonderful things you can learn from an honest acceptance of your lack of knowledge in any area of Life. It isn't anything to be ashamed of; it is, however, the first step one must take to truly learn.

Good advice.
This post reminded me of a bit of wisdom that was shared with me a long time ago:
"The only stupidity to be found in questioning, is the failure to find courage enough to ASK the question.".

 

[mrmadman]

Yo, DVS!

I like your style, DVS. I don't want to have to hurt you.

So make it easy and tell me: What's "SS&C?"

 

[CutieMouse]

I like your style, DVS. I don't want to have to hurt you.

So make it easy and tell me: What's "SS&C?"

Safe
Sane
&
Consentual

 

[DVS]

Safe
Sane
&
Consentual

You beat me to it, huh? So, how you you like me to beat you then? Oh, it will be SS&C. But it will still hurt and make your ass hot and red and you will whimper and shake and pout and ...

But, I digress.

Thanks for answering his question, sweetie.

 

[mrmadman]

So many acronyms, so little time... Thanks guys! "Safe & Sane" always makes me think of municipal fireworks displays though.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

.... It's not like you're risking your life or health. Worst that could happen is, what, you might find something you don't like. At least you tried it.

....

Here I will have to bring up a point of disagreement with mrmadman. In some instances you might very well be risking your life or health. Which is why we are all advocating that you educate yourself. What do I mean that you might be risking your life or health? Some examples:

1) You and your bf decide to try some rope bondage. He doesn't have a clue what he's doing though, ties you up too tight, ties your arm up in the wrong place, leaves it tied up too long, you end up with some nerve damage and are in pain or lose some functionality in your arm. Think "instant carpal tunnel syndrome" if he screws it up bad enough.

2) You and your bf decide to get your freak on and want to try a bisexual encounter or a threesome. You find an agreeable partner but neither of you check on their sexual history, and since you are on the pill anyway, don't bother with a condom. 6 - 8 months from now you go to give blood, you get the word back from the Red Cross "sorry, can't use your blood, you've got AIDS..." or some other STD.

3) Hey... that latex hood with the breathing tube looks HOT! Let's try that! Since he's learned ropes, and is good at that you trust him to tie you down safely, and getting tied up turns you on and it's part of your regular play. But you add that latex hood and Wow! Controlling your breathing like that just really gets your motor running. He cuts off the air flow.... slips off the bed... and you can't breathe. Cool... this is realy exciting! But you're in trouble after a minute or so... where is he? You start thrashing, trying to get his attention... but he's off in the other room on the phone with his Mom... You pass out...

How bad THIS scenario gets depends on how quickly he gets back to you.

Am I trying to scare you? Certainly, but just a little. Am I trying to scare you away from BDSM? Absolutely not. I'm trying to scare you enough to make you think about safety BEFORE you play.

BDSM play DOES have risks involved. Some risks are greater than others. Some carry risks of disease, like unprotected sex or doing things that break the skin like piercing and cutting. Others carry risks of accidental injury, like suspensions or bondage. Some carry a significant risk of death, like breathplay. Don't EVER take the attitude that you can't be hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have to approach your play with deadly seriousness. This IS supposed to be fun after all. If you are not enjoying it, why do it? But having a cavalier "What, me worry?" attitude is a good way to insure that you will sustain harm yourself, or, if your partner has that attitude, he will harm somoene, at some point. Educating yourself and your partner about the risks involved, about the ways to _minimize_ the risks, and what to do if an accident happens, is the smart (and right!) way to proceed.

And at 18-1/2, you are an adult and responsible for your own education and safety. Asking questions here is a great first step! Keep asking questions, keep your eyes, ears, and mind open. You'll learn a lot, and grow a lot. If this is for you, you'll stick with it, if not, it will go by the wayside. But in the meantime you will have broadened your horizons and had some interesting and hopefully fun experiences.

Welcome to the community!
- Geoff

 

[DVS]

So many acronyms, so little time... Thanks guys! "Safe & Sane" always makes me think of municipal fireworks displays though.

Well, yes this is true. And, SS&C means, you don't insert any of those firecrackers and light the fuse.